Editorials and Comments

Welcome to the Columns section of the site. Here you'll find columns that interested me, even email letters that came my way. There are a few columns not related to South Park, but they will give you food for thought.

Date	Topic	Columnists
May 4, 2000	A little history lesson from your cousin Vinnie	Vinnie Mannino; Chaos, The Dark One
	The 4th Grade Years Commercial	Comedy Central
	Is One Of The Kids Leaving?	Yahoo
December 10, 2000	A Testimonial	TimmySP8
November 23, 2000	Helen Keller and Thanksgiving	Willie Westwood
November 10, 2000	New South Park DVDs	Mark Dujsik
2000	Introduction to the Mad Bathroom Companion	Trey Parker
September 14, 2001	Are you ready for war?	Dr. Tony Kern, Lt Col, USAF (Ret)
January 29, 2002	What The Hell Kind Of Geek Is This???	Willie Westwood
February 21, 2002	Common Drivel And Useless Information	Motorbeak
February 22, 2002	Some FAQs	Charles Song
March 7, 2002	Reactions to "Jared Has Aides"	Various
March 4, 2002	Out Of Order	Charles Song
March 8, 2002	A plug for the site	Sarah Lavis
March 18, 2002	Butters' Ascendancy	Willie Westwood
September 11, 2002	9/11: Patriot Day	Willie Westwood
October 3, 2002	Divine Humor	From The Onion
October 24, 2002	TIMMAAAAH	Chris O
December 15, 2002	Kenny Returns!	Willie Westwood
December 16, 2002	Jesus is Dead!	Willie Westwood
December 23, 2002	The Steven Spielberg Interview	from About.com
February 27, 2003	Is the Writing on the Show getting Worse?	Willie Westwood
Summer, 2002	Similarities by Airdate	Magicfan89
August 30, 2003	A Home-Schooled Student Speaks Out	Vivian
November 9, 2003	Winning the Culture War	Brian C. Anderson
Undated	Matt Stone Interview	Michael Moore

Letter from Dr. Tony Kern, Lt Col, USAF (Ret), Former Director of Military History, USAF Academy

from an email going around...

14 September, 2001

To my Dear friends and fellow Americans:

Like everyone else in this great country, I am reeling from last week's attack on our sovereignty. But unlike some, I am not reeling from surprise. As a career soldier and a student and teacher of military history, I have a different perspective and I think you should hear it. This war will be won or lost by the American citizens, not diplomats, politicians or soldiers.

Let me briefly explain.

In spite of what the media, and even our own government is telling us, this act was not committed by a group of mentally deranged fanatics. To dismiss them as such would be among the gravest of mistakes. This attack was committed by a ferocious, intelligent and dedicated adversary. Don't take this the wrong way. I don't admire these men and I deplore their tactics, but I respect their capabilities. The many parallels that have been made with the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor are apropos. Not only because it was a brilliant sneak attack against a complacent America, but also because we may well be pulling our new adversaries out of caves 30 years after we think this war is over, just like my father's generation had to do with the formidable Japanese in the years following WW II.

These men hate the United States with all of their being, and we must not underestimate the power of their moral commitment. Napoleon, perhaps the world's greatest combination of soldier and statesman, stated "the moral is to the physical as three is to one." Patton thought the Frenchman underestimated its importance and said moral conviction was five times more important in battle than physical strength. Our enemies are willing -- better said anxious -- to give their lives for their cause. How committed are we America? And for how long?

In addition to demonstrating great moral conviction, the recent attack demonstrated a mastery of some of the basic fundamentals of warfare taught to most military officers worldwide, namely simplicity, security and surprise.

When I first heard rumors that some of these men may have been trained at our own Air War College, it made perfect sense to me. This was not a random act of violence, and we can expect the same sort of military competence to be displayed in the battle to come. This war will escalate, with a good portion of it happening right here in the good ol' U.S. of A.

These men will not go easily into the night. They do not fear us. We must not fear them.

In spite of our overwhelming conventional strength as the world's only "superpower" (a truly silly term), we are the underdog in this fight. As you listen to the carefully scripted rhetoric designed to prepare us for the march for war, please realize that America is not equipped or seriously trained for the battle ahead. To be certain, our soldiers are much better than the enemy, and we have some excellent "counter-terrorist" organizations, but they are mostly trained for hostage rescues, airfield seizures, or the occasional "body snatch," (which may come in handy). We will be fighting a war of annihilation, because if their early efforts are any indication, our enemy is ready and willing to die to the last man.

Eradicating the enemy will be costly and time consuming. They have already deployed their forces in as many as 20 countries, and are likely living the lives of everyday citizens. Simply put, our soldiers will be tasked with a search and destroy mission on multiple foreign landscapes, and the public must be patient and supportive until the strategy and tactics can be worked out.

For the most part, our military is still in the process of redefining itself and presided over by men and women who grew up with - and were promoted because they excelled in - Cold War doctrine, strategy and tactics. This will not be linear warfare, there will be no clear "centers of gravity" to strike with high technology weapons. Our vast technological edge will certainly be helpful, but it will not be decisive. Perhaps the perfect metaphor for the coming battle was introduced by the terrorists themselves aboard the hijacked aircraft -- this will be a knife fight, and it will be won or lost by the ingenuity and will of citizens and soldiers, not by software or smart bombs. We must also be patient with our military leaders.

Unlike Americans who are eager to put this messy time behind us, our adversaries have time on their side, and they will use it. They plan to fight a battle of attrition, hoping to drag the battle out until the American public loses its will to fight. This might be difficult to believe in this euphoric time of flag waving and patriotism, but it is generally acknowledged that America lacks the stomach for a long fight. We need only look as far back as Vietnam, when North Vietnamese General Vo Nguyen Giap (also a military history teacher) defeated the United States of America without ever winning a major tactical battle. American soldiers who marched to war cheered on by flag waving Americans in 1965 were reviled and spat upon less than three years later when they returned. Although we hope that Usama Bin Laden is no Giap, he is certain to understand and employ the concept.

We can expect not only large doses of pain like the recent attacks, but also less audacious "sand in the gears" tactics, ranging from livestock infestations to attacks at water supplies and power distribution facilities. These attacks are designed to hit us in our "comfort zone" forcing the average American to "pay more and play less" and eventually eroding our resolve. But it can only work if we let it.

It is clear to me that the will of the American citizenry - you and I - is the center of gravity the enemy has targeted. It will be the fulcrum upon which victory or defeat will turn. He believes us to be soft, impatient, and self-centered. He may be right, but if so, we must change. The Prussian general Carl von Clausewitz, (the most often quoted and least read military theorist in history), says that there is a "remarkable trinity of war" that is composed of the (1) will of the people, (2) the political leadership of the government, and (3) the chance and probability that plays out on the field of battle, in that order. Every American citizen was in the crosshairs of last Tuesday's attack, not just those that were unfortunate enough to be in the World Trade Center or Pentagon. The will of the American people will decide this war. If we are to win, it will be because we have what it takes to persevere through a few more hits, learn from our mistakes, improvise, and adapt. If we can do that, we will eventually prevail.

Everyone I've talked to in the past few days has shared a common frustration, saying in one form or another "I just wish I could do something!" You are already doing it. Just keep faith in America, and continue to support your President and military, and the outcome is certain. If we fail to do so, the outcome is equally certain.

God Bless America
Dr. Tony Kern, Lt Col, USAF (Ret)
Former Director of Military History, USAF Academy

A little history lesson from your cousin Vinnie

Author: Vinnie Mannino, Moderator

May 4, 2000 02:56 PM --- My oh my. Here we go again, eh? Round... hell, I've lost count...

Back in da day (and I mean like Feb of '98), the biggest message board was at this now-crummy-everyonewithhalfabrainhatesit-site. I'll give you a hint. Rhymes with sister cat's bellbowl. It was located on a server called aphrodisiac.net and run by this swell guy named Anthony Piejerov. It was wwwboard version 2.0. I think that thing is up to 4.0, now. mmm history. A lot of cool shit went down on that forum. It came around about when the 2nd part of season 1 started with the Damien episode. The biggest and most fun topic was easily "Who is Eric Cartman's father?" Boy we tore that one to BITS!

Well eventually, Anthony found he would need help administrating it. Enter the 3rd shift geek of the world: Vinnie.

Another hugely kickass thing that happened over on that neck of the woods was the fact that many of the regulars were interviewed by Time Magazine and Oskar Hoyrd actually was in the article! We miss him greatly.

Ok, if I put that much history into each item, this thing is gonna be LONG!

Well eventually, Anthony had to move on to other things. So ... hrm ... Gin Fasale (heh) got a forum on a site called toldyouso.com. HOLY CRAP THAT THING SUCKED! Slow as crap, even if you could access it.

Round 3 was on disc.server.com. Remember the little Ikes?

Round 4 was on southparkworld.com simply because the previous one got h4X0red.

Round 5 was on disc.server.com (had to put it somewhere.)

Round 6 put us on the bellbowl's server directly. But man did it suck.

Round 7 is when things started to get better. www.BEEF-CAKE.com/spboard

We were h4X0red. But the thing is, Taison started a cool idea when we were on beef-cake. Basically, a larger fonted thread about the latest episode where we could post comments on it in reply to that one. Pretty slick idea.

Round 8: Back to disc.server. This particular board remains as the Message Board Archives with posts on it dating back to the COW DAYS premiere. mmm nostalgia.

Anyway, while using that system, I discovered boardhost. Boardhost 0wned over all other boards at the time so I made the South Park Message Board CLUB board there. Eventually, Taison wanted me to set a boardhost board as the main board with the disc.server board as the archives. That would be round 9.

Round 10 put us back over on southparkworld. Why? I don't even remember.

That was back before the big stretch of downtime beef-cake encountered. When beef-cake went back up, the board was back to boardhost. (round 11). Sweeet.talk hit sometime that time

Well, that makes THIS latest incarnation round 12! (i'd go up to the top and write that in, but I'm too lazy.

This will prove to be very interesting and a lot of fun. Plus, it's all for charity! So not only do I get paid to view it myself, but I'm putting money in the pockets of a charity. Now that's just cool.

You'll get a 404 for that one link up there to b-c.com/spboard. Like I said, it was hacked. The Archives board that had them has expired.

May 6, 2000, 03:39 PM --- Someone said the shit hole's forum and site used to be good. Well yeah. It did. Something I didn't mention was that when the forum finally got on beef-cake.com, it was a SHARED forum between thh and beef-cake where THH ran a shared chat room. Well that whole thing got screwed up, mostly cuz of Vin being a little bitch. He put his own forum up, breaking the agreement. It wasn't the fact that the forum was on THH that ever made it good. It was the people who used it who MOVED to beef-cake when the time came and stuck there.

Chaos the Dark One Contributes

Author: Chaos the Dark One, Senior Member

May 24, 2000 04:19 AM --- We were relatively new to Boardhost, as BH itself was relatively new.

The Lovely Founder of BH Jeremy Gallager(?) was always stopping by to check up on us, not to mention you had e-mailed him on many occasions. Hell he even took part in some conversations...

But good ole Aaron/Enlightened One/Whatever the fuck was there to cause havoc, impersonating you, (for some odd reason, no one EVER impersonated me...) and even Jeremy. As well as posting less than desireable things.

Jeremy didn't appreciate the fact he was being impersonated, and insisted that we ban the imposter. Unknowing that you CAN'T ban Aaron.

He eventually took the board from us, and after a while spent over at the Club Board, we went to SP world.

At SP world, the following fun stuff happened...

We got into a little scoff with SPanswerman, in which Vinnie and I made a little "adjustment" to his background...hell, he shouldn't have used our pic for his link...

Another Nazi bastard took our BH beef-cake board... Fortunately Vinnie e-mailed Jeremy, and we got possession back, but still, we had no reason to move...yet...

Vinnie changes the old BH beef-cake board to the Star Wars Message Board... It lasts...a little bit...

SPworld takes adminship from Vinnie and myself...for whatever reason... and the board begins to fester with spam, as no one was taking care of it.

Suddenly out of the blue, adminship was given to Kane and Mankind. Vinnie sets up the old board again at BH. The SPworld eventually dies, due to constant attacks by spammers, and Nancy Drew Spencer...heh heh heh...

We'd been at BH until now.

Notes

Author: Vinnie Mannino, Moderator

May 24, 2000 06:13 AM --- Chaos, you only failed to mention (or were perhaps not even aware of) him posting on the official board for boardhost and causing havoc. That was essentially the straw that broke the... why isn't there a better cliche for something like this?

Jan 6, 2001, 12:40 AM --- I guess going back to boardhost may be potentially round 13, eh?

Addendum

Author: Willie Westwood, Webmaster

Shortly after South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut came out, Beef-Cake decided to consolidate its three parts to become Beef-Cake.com. It took two months to do it, and so the downtime Vinnie referred to before Round 11.

October 7, 2000 --- Sweeenet.com closed, but GTG and other sites continued on new hosts. For three months, GTG is on Stomped, which made for a faster host and brought on a new board layout.

January 2, 2001 --- Juz announced the last month of Go Timmy Go on Stomped. By this point he had lost his job and so couldn't afford to pay for the sites much longer, as he began looking for work anew. The board closed down at 11 a.m. PST on January 31. Round 12 thus lasted nine months.

January 31, 2001 --- Round 13 began on Boardhost. Juz got a new job and looked for a new home for his sites in February, and by the 12th he found a home for his main sites (Sweeet, for one), with the lesser ones coming online bit by bit.

March 4, 2001 --- Go Timmy Go shows signs of life: A page appears announcing its return.

March 8, 2001 --- Go Timmy Go reopens, under new administration. This marks Round 14, which is still going as of July 2001. But the Boardhost site remains open, making it Round 15 if ever that time should come.

April 17, 2001 --- Elvis and Taison begin work at the South Park Studios, for Kung Fu Designs. Beef-Cake closes. A month later Elvis is let go for a few reasons which he's promised to share with the fans... someday. He reopens Beef-Cake a little, posting a few updates as the site gets a new design and layout with Juz's help.

May 10, 2001 --- Catpoo captures the Trey and Matt chat done by South Park Studios and transcribes it for GTG, then posts it... with one hidden warning and one oblique one. I ignore the warning and reformat it to post on this site. I get banned, then unbanned after I redirect the link to GTG's thread on the chat.

June 19, 2001 --- Beef-Cake reopens, with Elvis putting his screen grabs on Sweeet for the first joint venture outside of Go Timmy Go.

September, 2001 --- Various crashes mean new incarnations of GTG and the demise of Beef-Cake.

October 31, 2001 --- Beef-Cake closes down, this time for good.

November, 2001 --- The thread to the chat disappears and I restore the chat to this site.

February, 2002 --- I get banned, again, for restoring the May 10, 2001 chat to this site, without a credit to Catpoo.

July 2, 2002 --- Taison gets his PhD in Chemical Engineering and says he might bring Beef-Cake back, but it would be smaller and different, not the site it once was.

September 17, 2002 --- Justin Trevena announces the closure of Sweeet and its sister sites, eSweeet and GoTimmyGo. Questions about GTG's fate follow.

September 25, 2002 --- Sam at South Park X posts a letter he received from NetShelter advising him that it was going private, business to business. All fan sites were to be closed on October 1, so both SPX and Sweeet are affected.

October 1, 2002 --- GTG stays open a few days longer as Jesus takes over for Juz and plans to transfer all files to a new server. A week later it disappears.

October 13, 2002 --- GTG reopens with the same staff as before. The threads could not be saved, so it's a new incarnation. All bans lifted as well.

October 24, 2002 --- SPX and GTG lose their connection, but not their data. The connection is restored on October 30.

Do send corrections/addenda if you like.

The 4th Grade Years Commercial

A trasncript of the commercial covering the Fall season of the 4th series from Michael Price, on the South Park Digest:.

BELL RINGS

Announcer: "This season on South Park, there's no going back"

All four boys are standing there, looking up at the door. Kenny pulls his hood tighter, and the door opens.

Kyle: "Whoa Dude"

Stan: "Everything is written in some strange foreign language"

Then it fades to Timmy, who is being chased by a Triceratops

Cartman: "OK, That's cool"

Then it fades to some kind of space craft and then it fades to Kyle, who says "You have to open the pod bay doors"

Then it fades to Mr. Garrison (a much older one, next to a woman with glasses with a book on her head)�

Mrs. Choksondik: "I'm not afraid"

Mr. Garrison: "You better be"

Announcer: "PLAY TIME IS OVER" (with a words on the screen to match), and then it fades to all four kids and a another older guy next to a Tetherball (in order from left to right: Kenny, Cartman (who gets knocked out by the tetherball), the man, Stan, and Kyle.

Then it goes to the woman who was in the scene with Mr. Garrison (must be the new teacher), climbing a mountain.

Then it fades to Mr. Hankey and his family of poo (December 20)

Then fades to a scence with Cartman taking over driving Officer Barbrady's car, and from left to right in the back seat is Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. The car veers to the left quickly but Stan is there. (Trapper Keeper)

Then it does a real fast flip through of all the scenes shown already, and then the announcer says (along with the words on the screen) "South Park, the 4th Grade Years. The new season premieres Wednesday November 8th only on Comedy Central" and during this it shows pictures of Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny on the top, and then the commercial fades out.

Is One Of The Kids Leaving?

A Shocking South Park Cliffhanger! One of the Kids�

It's not exactly "Who Killed J.R.?" but there's a cliffhanger coming to Comedy Central's South Park.

One of the foul-mouthed 2-D kids from Colorado is rumored to be leaving cozy South Park.

Next season, one of the kids will ... move away!

Will it be Cartman, Kenny, Kyle or Stan? No one knows for sure. But co-creator Matt Stone told me at the Friars Club roast on Friday night that it's a certainty that one kid will move, and that the others will go somewhere Bart Simpson has never gone before.

"The kids will advance to fourth grade," Stone said. "They won't actually age, but they'll have new problems."

Stone has also news about the team's live action series for Comedy Central: it's a "go" for this winter.

Stone told me that even though the series with Trey Parker will start airing in February, they still have no idea who will star, or what it's really about.

"I know, it's hard to believe in October that we don't know more, but we don't. We have some ideas, but we're not ready to share them," Stone said. "We do have a soundstage and a show runner, but other than that, not much."

"The great thing is, we have a commitment for ten episodes, so we have the luxury of knowing in advance that we won't get canceled after two shows," Stone added. "That's what would have happened if we'd been on a regular network. So there's no pressure on us. If it doesn't work out, we just go back to South Park."

Matt also told me that he and Trey were overwhelmed by the attention they got for the South Park movie last year. "Between the Oscar nomination and the New York Film Critics Award, we really felt legitimized. Robin Williams did a great job on the Oscars with 'Blame Canada,' considering the material and the restrictions."

Nevertheless, don't look for a new South Park movie anytime soon. "We've done it," he said. "Now we're going to concentrate on the shows."

A Testimonial

From TimmySP8

I watch the show ever day its on!

10:00 on Wednesday

1:00A.M. on Wednesday

9:30 on Friday (sometimes)

2:30 A.M. on saturday

12:00 A.M. on Suday

I have never missed an episiode me and my best buddy are obsessed! My screen name TimmySP8 stands for Timmy the retarded kid SP stands for south park and the 8 stand for my favorite volume of the SP movies. The mexican staring frog from southern sri lanka! And conjoined twin dyslexia!

The show is the best show I ever saw! I keep the Bigger Longer and Uncut movie going almost constantly when I'm home I have watched it over 100 times no lie!

This show is great! So is Cannibal! the Musical!

Helen Keller and Thanksgiving

Willie Westwood writes,

I like Eric trying to communicate with the spirit of Helen Keller: "Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!"

I liked Timmy's role evolving in ways I didn't think the creators would take it, including the tender moments in bed and Timmy's efforts to train Gobbles to do tricks. And finally, the hard choice Timmy had to make about Gobbles until he learned he didn't have to make that choice at all!

I liked Gobbles and his crazy way of walking around.

I liked the way the creators moved from Timmy releasing his Gobbles to a public service announcement: "Have you done the right things in your life?" So sincere it was hilarious! .

I was a bit upset that Butters egged his class on to make a smashing play under the pretense that the Kindergartners were making a far better one, and it turns out the Kindergartners had a really short skit, a joke, really. But it spurred the fourth graders on.

Still, the episode had less than its usual share of laughs.

New South Park DVD's

Mark Dujsik writes,

First of all, I'd like to voice my protest about the new wave of 2 South Park DVDs. First, there's only 6 actual episodes on these two, which is half of the other two waves of three. Second, there not in chronological order anymore. It was so convenient to get the episodes in the order they were televised, especially since I've missed many episodes, and some that I really wanted to own would be on this wave if they continued the order. I know this is because Warner Bros. took over for Rhino, but a letter of some sort should be put together to protest this newest wave so it doesn't happen for the rest of the releases.

Oh, now for an actual correction, the "Chef's Mama" or "Succubus" episode is also included on The Chef Experience DVD.

Thanks for the great work on the site.

Mark

Introduction to the Mad Bathroom Companion

Trey Parker, for Mad Books

I was thrilled when MAD Magazine, one of the most important magazines of the twentieth century, asked me to write the introduction to their Bathroom Companion. It seems like more and more that when people think of poo, they think of me.

I started reading MAD when I was eight years old. I was an impressionable child, with a mind that was pure like morning snow. I had dreams of growing up to be an astronaut or a scientist. Reading MAD changed all that, however, and now I make cartoons with anal probes and Barbra Steissand monsters.

What I learned from MAD, is that anything that becomes too "cool" or too popular in our culture must be destroyed. Usually while everyone was singing something's praises, MAD was knocking it down. When I was a kid and everyone loved Star Wars, they made fun of Star Wars. When everyone started liking Jordache jeans, they made fun of that too. Anything that became too cool in the country's eye was an open target for MAD Magazine, and that's what made it so great then -- and what still makes it so great today. Why, I even opened a MAD Magazine last year and saw that they were making fun of South Park. But this, of course, was not great; it was juvenile, thoughtless, mindless crap, and if the MAD people ever do it again I will kick all their asses.

But enough about MAD, and enough about me. It is time to focus on your task at hand.

This book was meant to be used as a companion to pooping, and if you are using this book as it was intended, you are now seated on the toilet, as you have been countless other times. But did you know that right now, as you are pooping, an estimated 2.3 million people around the world are pooping too? That's right, from Japan to Germany, Israel to Canada, people of all races and ethnicity's are doing exactly what you're doing right now. Isn't that beautiful? Pooping is the common bond that unites us all; it is what makes us one.

Even more wonderful than the fact that people all around the world poop, is the fact that nobody can go without pooping. No matter how rich somebody is, or how famous or how sexy or beautiful, everyone has to put time on the porcelain. Even Jennifer Lopez poops. Think about that. Go on, visualize Jennifer Lopez pooping for one second. That's it...Good.

What still puzzles me, though, is that if pooping is such a world-uniting, culture-crossing, and wonderful thing, why is it still so shrouded in silence and embarrassment? Why don't people talk more freely about their various bathroom habits and pleasures?

For example, most women do not realize that men often like to pretend they are giving birth when they poop. That's right. The truth is, we men are somewhat jealous that we can't have babies, and our potty time is the only time for us to fantasize. Men will try to deny it, but the fact remains that almost all men, at some point in their lives, have sat on the toilet, doing some breathing exercises, and waiting for the joyous moment to arrive so they can shout, "It's a girl!" and then name their something cute before flushing her away forever.

And most men would be surprised to know that women usually like to play a game called Bombs Away in the bathroom. They fill the toilet bowl with small cardboard ships that they have spent hours beforehand creating. Then, instead of sitting on the toilet, they stand on the rim, and the fun begins as they see how many Japanese D-42s they can sink.

Pooping is not about nastiness or vulgarity; pooping is about fun. Toilet time is precious time, no only for birthing fantasies and war games, but also for reading fine books like this one, or for reflecting on memories past, or even...for pondering our own reality and deep metaphysical inner self. And so, as you dive deeper into this eloquent collection, and continue with your toilet time, do not ask yourself what the nutritionist would ask: "What am I pooping?" Ask yourself the question the Zen Buddhist would ask: "What is it that is pooping?"

Howdy Ho!

--Trey Parker

What The Hell Kind Of Geek Is This???

compiled by Willie Westwood, with commentary

I've been reading with some interest what people have had to say about the Geek selected to represent South Park on Beat the Geeks, noting how disappointing she's been to see. Some of the comments about her performance are simply vicious. What I post below is probably better for no one mentioning her name, so she can be roasted in anonimity. Read on. :)

From: Gjlightfoot
Subject: Beat the Geeks

Did you see that chick get her ass whooped on Beat the Geeks? Somebody needs to go back on there as a South Park representative and save some face.

From: Daniel Lins
Subject: Was the SP Geek an idiot?

Hey all,

Watched "Beat the Geeks" on Comedy Central Thursday, because the "guest geek" was a SOUTH PARK GEEK! I thought it would be hella kewl. But where did they get their geek? She was an idiot! She lost her medal right away. It was SO lame. And the info that she DID give wasn't even right! The first question they asked her... they showed a picture of "The Nuggets" and asked the names of the characters. She managed to say that it was from last year's Christmas episode, and that one was retarded because he had a nut in his head... but that was it. She said the name of the episode was "Mrs. Hankey and the Nuggets" which is WRONG. (It was "A Very Crappy Christmas") And she couldn't remember ONE of the three names. I admit, I couldn't remember ALL three either, but who could forget Cornwallis? Sheesh! And the South Park Geek was never challenged again, so we didn't get to hear ANY other South PArk questions. Damn. That really sucked. I think they need a new SP Geek, and they need to be on more often. I mean, Beat the Geeks is on CC, and so is SP, so it's almost like self-advertising, right? Makes sense to me. Oh well..

Gotta go. Enough rambling...

Shpadoinkle!
Sir Dan

Posted by: OriginalChocolateHound @ 01-25-2002 11:49

I am in outrage! I am protesting the episode of "Beat The Geeks" that aired on Comedy Central on Jan. 24th of this year.

The "Special Guest Geek" was the South Park Geek. What a travesty!

She lost her medal in the Challenge Round because she couldn't name the Nuggets, Cornwallis, Amber and Simon. In fact, she got the name of the episode where they appeared "A Very Crappy Christmas" wrong! The only fact that she got correct was that it was the Christmas Special of 1991. The challenger won the medal even though he couldn't name Mr. Hankey's Wife, Autumn, simply due to the fact that the South Park Geek got her question wrong.

Doesn't that show test their Guest Geeks before they name them as the Guest Geek? My 6 year old could have beat the geek that they had on there.

I think that in the new season I would like to see Kenny come back and kill the South Park Geek for not being a True South Park Geek.She should hang her head in shame and sell all her Plushies on e-Bay.

Posted by: MinionofHell @ 01-25-2002 12:08

Yeah, I agree, that chick sucked really bad as a South Park geek. I just happened to be flipping through channels and landed on that, I was like, cool, a SP geek, lets see how smart she is, but man she sucked royally bad. But I hate that show anyway, so I couldn't really expect too much from it.

MINION OF HELL

Posted by: Kenny_McCormick_69 @ 01-25-2002 09:30

Dude! i saw that one!! that geek sucked ass! not only because she got the 1st ad easit question wrong but also because the last time she was on BTG she lost to the 1st question she was asked as well. (she had to name all of the Super Best Friends). She totally shouldn't have come back if she couldn't do it the 1st time. Dude she dosen't have good putdowns for the chalangers!!!!!! and she dares to take the title of the SP Geek! Just b/c you have the South Park wrist pad, mouse pad, wall paper and whatever other crap she claimed she had in her office dosen't make you a true Souh Park Geek! if you are reading this 'South Park Geek' i just want to say "YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!"

-K

I really don't have anything to say about all that, as I don't have cable to watch the show with, but I tried out for the show early last October, with Taison Tan as my credential. All prospective Geeks need to live in Los Angeles, as the show is taped there. The audition lasted 15 minutes, and then I was out the door. I didn't get a callback. But I don't have much presence on camera, which is why I probably wasn't called back.

As you can see by some of the comments, that Geek needs to be replaced. May some other knowledgeable SP fan living in Los Angeles replace her. :D

Common Drivel And Useless Information

by Motorbeak, Feb 21, 2002, South Park Digest

There are so many references to South Park on TV and radio anymore that I usually don't pay much attention to them, but last night I heard several. They were all on different radio stations. (I work nights and I listen to several stations and change to find the music I want.)

Anyhoo, one of the DJ's was ending his shift and said "Screw you guys, I'm going home".

On another station, a traffic guy was giving a report of a minor accident and congestion caused by curiousity and said "Move along now folks, nothing to see here, you lookie lou's".

On still another station, a newsman had just finished and said "Well, that's my tree-fiddy".

Some FAQs

by Charles Song, from the DTISFU message board, February 22, 2002
Interview format by Willie Westwood

nobby: Why is Eric Stough called Butters - at least according to David Goodman - before the character of Butters was on the show?
Charles Song: Eric was nicknamed Butters because he was all soft and gooey when he first came to L.A. David recounts this story in one of his Salon pieces.

nobby: Why did Trey only spend 1 semester (or year?) at Berkely School of Music?
Charles: He got homesick, even though David was nearby at UMass

nobby: Did he really live in Japan and go to school there?
Charles: Yes he did. He met jun at u of colorado. it was a tutoring exchange. they both wanted to be paired up with chicks. trey didn't know jun was a guys name, and jun didn't know trey was a guy's name either. they were bummed, but they became friends. Trey stayed with jun's family the next year.

nobby: Did Eric really work (or intern?) at Jim Henson Studios?
Charles: Yes, for three months in New York. he was paid 300 bucks.

nobby: Does Matt have rhythm??
Charles: damn straight he does. he doesn't play drums or bass for nothing. he switched to bass because the drums were starting to cramp up his hands and he had a hard time playing a full set.

nobby: What are Shelley and Rachel doing these days?
Charles: I can't go there.

nobby: And more PICTURES AND V-V-V-VIDEOS!!!!
Charles: I hear you. Everything we post has to get okayed. I admit that i was slacking off for the past few months. We KNOW what's going on, we just aren't allowed (not by Matt and Trey, by the way) to post until someone else does sometimes. I know, it doesn't make sense. [DTISFU] is a great site with lots of news, but you wouldn't believe how much it misses. Like what happened at our valentine's party, etc...

Out Of Order

by Charles Song at South Park Studios, March 4, 2002

There are a variety of reasons why certain episodes air out of order.

An entirely unique look. Sometimes they're extremely complicated and require extra time, like #405 "Pip" which aired after #414. Everything in "Pip" had to be built from scratch, including the new mouths with rotted out teeth that were used for most of the characters. Since Trey and Matt were looking for an entirely new look for Pip's England (in the same way that Terrance and Phillip's Canada had its own, unique look), everything had to go through a laborious approval process. In addition,

Live-action sequences. "Pip" had live action sequences with the actor Malcolm McDowell, which involved casting, scheduling, additional planning, and post-production. These things take time, something we didn't have that summer. South Park had a run of consecutive episodes ending with #411 "Probably," and a hiatus for cast and crew. When a new run of episodes, "The Fourth Grade," began in September, there was time to finish the remainder of work on "Pip" in between the new episodes.

Special effects are another reason why certain episodes are delayed, like #310 "Chinpokomon" (which aired after #312) and #311 "Starvin' Marvin in Space" (which aired after #313).

Holidays. Other times holiday scheduling is a factor, as when #110 "Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo" delayed #108 "Damien" from airing for several months. #312 "Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery" is a unique example where work on the episode began near the beginning of the season, but wasn't given an episode number because of it's late air date (Halloween).

Guest Stars. And lastly, certain episodes include the participation of special guest stars, as with #501 and Radiohead, whose busy schedules require careful planning.

Reactions to "Jared Has Aides"

by Various People, March 7, 2002

My editorial, March 7, 2002

The show wasn't a referendum about Subway sandwiches after all, though the subplots about Jared and Butters doing things to promote their sponsors were pretty funny. No, it was all about AIDS. Seeing as how AIDS is much more manageable now than it was when the first case was reported on June 5, 1981, I suppose it was okay to laugh at it. Magic Johnson has managed his AIDS magnificently, for one. But the early date indicates that we still have a year and half more to go before we can really laugh at it (22.3 years, huh?).
Kenny's death is still being felt in South Park. He wasn't in this ep, and the boys' use of Butters in Kenny's place just didn't work for me, especially if Cartman is to be partnered with him � they'll have to treat him differently than they did Kenny. Butters will have to change as well for the foursome to work. We'll see that just putting Butters in Kenny's place isn't enough.
Also, some fans have threatened to stop watching the show if Kenny doesn't come back. Understandable. Without him, the show just isn't the same. But I suppose Trey and Matt have kept him out indefinitely because fans have come to expect Kenny to die every week, and that can get stale after four years. Butters has replaced Kenny in the foursome, but only time, and the creators, will tell if things will stay this way. Now, if it's gonna take the boys 22.3 years to get over Kenny's death, we'll never see him again, 'cause the show will be gone long before that tiem comes.
...oh, and those globs of fat you see under Butters' chin? The ones that look like testicles? They're fat deposits like those you find hanging from the chins of big men like Alfred Hitchcock (think Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor). :)

From Legion1979, March 7, 2002

Very well thought out editorial there. I was hoping you'd make a mention about the fact that Butters is pretty much replacing Kenny yet it is Timmy that get's Kenny's spot in the theme song. Where was Timmy tonight? And where was Timmy during the entire second half of last season. Timmy is a tired, one joke character who's time has passed. If Butters is going to replace Kenny, so be it. But it's silly to keep acting like Timmy is such a major character when all it does is remind us all of how much we miss Kenny. I think if Trey and Matt are actually going to go out of their way to totally eliminate Kenny from the theme song then I also think they're serious about Kenny being gone. March 6, 2002 will forever be the day when South Park jumped the shark.

From Beeb, March 8, 2002

March 6, 2002 was not the day Kenny died but actually back in Season 5, when Kenny had his very own Episode = "Kenny Dies" was the end of an era.
Although Kenny was an original part of South Park he role was never expected to reach such magnitude. Change is good and in the long run, this will be another milestone.
Look at it this way; What does Kenny stand for? Death? Killings? Being killed? Sure he was the grown-up one and knew a few things as if he had been around the block, but come on, a character based on death? The idea itself is....er....well, DEAD!!!
Maybe some US Companies should take on the "Kenny Attitude", if you get knocked down, just get back up anew, as if you never died in the first place.
Hey, that's just my opinion & it may be right!
Beeb - "Mmph mmvf Memmff!" (Long live Kenny)

Poppy Z. Brite had this reaction:

I think I recall a couple of interviews where they talked about how they were really sick of having to come up with new deaths for Kenny. This would seem to be borne out by increasingly lackluster deaths, after which the other boys would say "Oh my God -- they killed Kenny" and "You bastards" in really bored voices. Also, they seemed to take a lot of pleasure in killing him off for good (?) in "Kenny Dies." Certainly people will miss Kenny, but it can be almost impossible to keep coming up with fresh ideas for characters you're thoroughly sick of ...
PZB

And Subway had this reaction on March 7:

Last night, South Park on Comedy Central, ran a spoof about Jared Fogle, who lost 245 pounds eating Subway sandwiches.
Unfortunately, Subway cannot control nor censor the content of television shows. While we respect South Park's right to poke fun at Jared and the success of his weight-loss program, we are offended at the distasteful nature of the content. We want to assure the public that Subway does not find it humorous to make light of AIDS, and the tragic impact it has had on millions of lives.
The premise of this South Park episode is erroneous, and we feel confident the viewing public understands the difference between satire and reality. If you have concerns, we encourage you to voice your concerns about the show's plot to the Comedy Central network.

A Plug for the Site

by Sarah Lavis, March 8, 2002

Hello,
My name's Sarah, I am a researcher for Chrysalis Television. I am working on a programme, due for broadcast on a prime time show on Channel 4 in the UK. We are currently doing a feature on South Park, specifically Cartman and are looking for UK fans that would be interested on doing an interview based on his character. Do you know of any massive Cartman fans in the UK who might be interested in this?
Please feel free to get in contact
Many Thanks
Sarah

Seems Sarah visited the #spschat members page and emailed all the members there. Tibby wrote back to Sarah asking for some confirmation, and this is the answer he got

Hi Anthony,

Thank you for your reply, In answer to your questions I have been searching South Park related websites in search of fan's that could help us on our feature. David Hartl who has designed his own South Park website gave me the address for spscriptorium and I found loads of South Park enthusiast's there, including yourself. I have the company name in my email address as proof of genuinity, you can check out the firms website at www.chrysalis.com to see we are a production company based in the U.K under the name of Chrysalis Television Ltd.
Thank you for your time
Sarah

Butters' Ascendancy

by Willie Westwood, Marsh 18, 2002

The South Park world has lost Kenny and gained Butters. It took a long time for Butters to make it as one of the four, but Kenny's death of a terminal disease and Butter's very own episode made it clear that Butters had finally made it to the big time. Here's how he got there:

Kenny

Kenny was with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman in the first short Trey and Matt made in 1992, but he didn't have a name yet. The boy who became Cartman was called Kenny then, and he was the first boy to die, being tossed aside by Frosty. The boy who became Kenny was the second. In the second short, in 1996, he got the name Kenny, and he died again, of decapitation. He also died in each of the first four episodes, and Trey and Matt made it a habit for Kenny to die in almost every episode, just 'casue it was fun to do. A few incidents concerning kids who wanted to imitate Kenny got on the news and scandalized Kenny's deaths for a while. Whenever Kenny died, Matt and Trey would have Stan and Kyle say,

Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastards!

Kenny was also able to say things no other character would say, even if what he said existed only in our minds, simply because we'd strain our ears to hear what he had to say, and the context he spoke in would lend itself to naughtier deductions. Other than that, he'd just hang around with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman as these three interacted with each other. Kenny became a substitute for the viewer, as he and we would watch events unfold without saying much to the other three characters. Eventually, Kenny was paired off with Cartman, as Kyle was with Stan, and storylines concerning Cartman and Kenny began to appear. The limits to Kenny's interactions with the other three began to show while we got used to his deaths.

Butters

Butters has been around since the show began, being one of the 12 or so other kids in Mr. Garrison's class who didn't say anything. He fell from the jungle gym when Damien was destroying the playground and was one of the two dodgeball replacement players Stan called in to help his team. He seemed to me the most interesting of the background characters to find out about. And lo!

The Transition

Things began to change for both these characters in the Meteor Shower Trilogy, in the middle of Season Three, soon after SP:BLU came out, when Butters got his first speaking role on the show, as a Melvin. Meanwhile, Kenny got to suffer a death almost as selfless as the one he suffered in the movie. But I knew from the start that Butters couldn't stay a Melvin for long. Matt and Trey have introduced characters before and after Butters, but none of them took quite the way he has.

Wendy was there for the first season as Stan's sort-of-love interest, but that didn't last long. Once in a while a reference will be made to it, but Stan didn't once vomit when Wendy was in Fingerbang with him. This shows that Stan sees her as just a friend now. But I feel her character development was shot when she was made to get rid of Ms. Ellen. She certainly got her wish: no one's fucked with her since then, and so she quickly disappeared.

She's come back in a few instances. She got a big part in SP:BLU, where she's with Gregory for most of the film, only because she's attracted to politically active fellows, something Stan is not. Mary Kay Bergman commited suicide four months after the movie reached theaters, so Wendy's voice was silent for a while.

Wendy's been back for a few more episode, with a new actress voicing her. She's been in "Chef Goes Nanners" as one of Cartman's debate partners. They got attracted to each other over a plate of Oreo cookies, and Wendy began dreaming of Cartman. She came to her senses eventually. She was next in the boys' band Fingerbang as the fifth boy. She was last in "Proper Condom Use" again as Stan's love interest - there was interest there, but it was in the context of STDs, so it was more practical than emotional.

Tweek was introduced in "Gnomes," but a jittery character doped on coffee just didn't work. And his voice must be murder on the vocal chords.

Timmy was introduced in "Timmy 2000" though he was seen in "Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000," but his vocabulary and speaking ability were severely limited, and he was meant to be a one-time character.

Jimmy was an improvement over Timmy, but he too does best as a side character.

Token seems to me too bland to be a lead character even though he too got his own episode, "Here Comes The Neighborhood." If this were a show other than South Park, he'd make a fine lead.

But on to the transition. Butters was seated with the other three boys when they were asked to evaluate candidates for the next Big Thing once Chinpokomon swept over the land. He was a Confederate soldier in "Red Badge of Gayness" and one of the boys who dealt with Mark for being such a know-it-all in "Hooked On Monkey Phonics." It was in those two latter episodes that his character was fleshed out. He had lines in most of Season Four's episodes and got bigger roles in Season Five, leading up to his lead status in Season Six. Meanwhile, Kenny got less and less explicit, as he was once known for his knowledge of sexual matters. Stan and Kyle stopped saying their signature lines after Kenny's deaths while other characters delivered variations of those lines. Pretty soon, Kenny's deaths were taken for granted ("Well, who didn't see that coming?"), used for other purposes (Stan looking for Kyle amid the Blainetologists), and anticipated (The Earth Day coordinators chopping Kenny apart bit by bit - Kenny was still alive at the end). Finally, Kenny was made to die in a Movie-Of-The-Week episode from a terminal disease that might have been countered with stem cells if they had been permitted for use in time.

There's one more thing that binds Butters to the other three, and that's his parents' friendship with their parents. Because Kenny just hung around with the other boys until he died, only speaking on occasion, and because he was poor, his parents didn't interact with the other parents all that often. But Butters' parents have appeared more involved with the other parents in the first run of Season Six episodes and in "Proper Condom Use." Indeed, that episode foreshadows Butters' place among the four because his parents were in the book club at the Marsh house, not Kenny's. And Butters' parents took the others' families and Butters to Aspen.

A Few Comments - March 13, 2002

I like Butters a lot, really I do, but he's got to make some adjustmments if he's gonna hang with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. The first thing is his voice. While he was a side character his unique accent was fine in small doses, but in larger doses it gets irritating. And then you compare his voice to his parents' and you see that he didn't pick that accent up from them. No, he's got to stammer less and get his accent to match those of his parents if he's gonna hang with the other three.

The second is his naivet�. He's incredibly innocent, even though he's already seen his father in a gay bath house, suffered his mom's breakdown and attempts to drown him, and been punished on several occasions, even to the point of being whipped with a belt. The danger he faces with this kind of experience is that he may become a scapegoat for the other boys. Cartman already set him up for a beating in "Jared Has Aides," and this could get quite sadistic if it continues in that direction. At least with Kenny things just happened to him, without much feeling for him after his death. No, Butters has to lose much of his naivet�.

Still, as Kenny is dead, and Butters has been groomed to fill his spot since the middle of the third season, I say let Butters enjoy his new role as a lead character for this season, and even to the end of the series if Kenny stays dead. Long live Butters!

Epilogue - April 10, 2002

Turns out the boys didn't like Butters all that much. They found him too stupid, too naive, for their taste, and I don't blame them. It was a good thing they let him go. They went casting for another boy, starting with 20 and ending with one, a boy they had met earlier in the series. A boy named Tweek Tweek. Time to move him into the boys' page and watch the series end with him, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. Butters remains my favorite side character, though.

9/11: Patriot Day

assembled by Willie Westwood

September 11, 2002 - Patriot Day - About 3000 people perished on September 11, 2001, in these two towers, and a couple hundred more elsewhere, when four planes were used to attack American symbols of commerce and military might. Let us remember the victims on this day, and find ways to prevent such attacks from happening again.

� Will

Now, an e-mail message...

This has not been broken since 9/11/01, please keep it going...
This has been kept alive and moving since 9/11.
In memory of all those who perished this morning; the passengers and the pilots on the United Air and AA flights, the workers in the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and all the innocent bystanders.
Our prayers go out to the friends and families of the deceased.

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

Send this to at least 10 people to show your support.

PLEASE DON'T BREAK IT!!!!!!
PLEASE DON'T BREAK IT!!!!!!

Divine Humor

From The Onion. Go there to see the artwork. God will do things His way. :D

GOD RE-FLOODS MIDDLE EAST

JERUSALEM�In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.

The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were rejected Monday night.

"The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away from Him," read a press statement from God, delivered by seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. "Prepare now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and live together as God's children, prepare to face your doom under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord's retribution."

As of press time, a torrential rain continues to fall on Israel and the West Bank, with the downpour expected to continue for another 39 days and 39 nights. Thus far, flood waters have risen more than 200 feet, drowning most of the humans and animals in the vicinity. The few remaining survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the raging waters.

Though regretful over the severity of God's punishment, Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing crisis.

"Yahweh, or Allah, depending on what name you choose to call Him, has finally brought to bear upon this place a direct route to peace," said former president Jimmy Carter, who in 1978 brokered the Camp David Accords, one of the region's many short-lived peace agreements. "Lord knows that I and many others before and since Camp David have done our best to find a way for these two peoples to stop the killing and hatred, to no avail. But God, in His infinite wisdom, realized that it just isn't worth it anymore, and that the best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside."

In spite of repeated warnings from God, the flood came as a major surprise to Israeli and Palestinian leaders, who believed He would keep the promise He made following the Great Flood of Noah never to drown the planet again. Confident that God would honor the "Rainbow Covenant," Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat rejected the 11th-hour peace deal proposed by the joint U.S. and Saudi delegation.

"I believe Arafat and Sharon thought the Lord was bluffing and wrongly assumed they could call His bluff rather than make peace with each other," said Timothy Uselmann, a professor at Harvard's Center For Middle Eastern Studies. "Evidently, they were wrong. God has sent a strong message here: Obey His commands, or face certain peril at His hand."

Speaking on behalf of the Lord, an unnamed, non-denominational representative of Heaven said: "God only promised humanity that He would never again flood the entire Earth. He never said He wouldn't flood specific areas."

The most recent, clearest sign of the Second Deluge came last Thursday, when a tersely worded press statement from God's angelic hosts ominously stated, "If there are any species native to the area that you would prefer not to see go extinct, we strongly suggest you begin gathering them two by two."

In spite of this and other such warnings, Palestinian suicide bombings and the Israeli military's West Bank tank assault continued after God's April 21 cease-fire deadline passed.

"For too long, thou hast ignored the entreaties of thy Lord to let go of your wickedness and hatred and live together in peace, My children," God said. "Thou hast refused the lion to lie down with the lamb, and My rod and staff have been of no comfort to you. Instead, you have continued to kill each other without ceasing. The time has come for that to stop. You want to keep running each other over with tanks and strapping dynamite to yourselves, killing women and children in pursuit of your extremist political positions, that's just fine. Let's see how well you carry out your murderous agendas under 800 feet of water."

TIMMAAAAH

"Chris O" writes in alt.tv.southpark...

I sent out the following text in an email to my friends, and thought it might be sutiable to share here. Enjoy.

So, I'm in Target the other day, and for some reason, I had Timmy! from South Park in my mind. Now, just hearing Timmy's voice in my head is enough to get me giggling pretty hard. But for some reason, Timmy just wouldn't leave my head. As it turns out, there was apparently a reason that I started thinking about Tim-may in the first place.

Before I go any further though, have you ever been in a situation where you knew it was wrong to laugh, but you just couldn't help yourself? Now picture *me* in that type of situation.

As I was browsing through the men's clearance, as I am prone to do, I hear some kid voice mumbling away, and screaming maniacally. At first I was just annoyed that some parent was letting their kid carry on like that. But it didn't stop, and well, the voice didn't change in its' pitch or tone, and actually, the voice sounded really familiar. Then, it hit me....some young kid is doing an impression of Timmy....I had to see it! I sought out the non-stop babbling kid to see who had so mastered the fine art of Timmah. The closer I got, the better the impression became. I began snickering as I got closer to the sound near the shoe aisle. The snicker then began to turn into a more out loud laugh as I began to chime in, whispering, with my own "Livin a lie Timmy!"

No sooner than I turned a corner, there sat the spitting image, real life, Timmy. I shit you not, this kid was 8-10 years old, big ol' floppy head, bug eyes, arms a-flailin', in a motorized wheelchair, doing a Timmy impression for sure - but not on purpose. Now, at first I thought, "man, this poor retarded kid trapped in a wheelchair...."

....but then I thought about the wheelchair going through the time travel episode with Timmy freaking out, and just about that time the kid busted out something fast like, "Wanna buy buy Mommy!!!" That was close enough to "Livin a lie lie Timmy" for me. I had to quickly run to women's lingerie to avoid shitting myself right there in the shoe department. I wasn't laughing really loudly, but I was certain that others had to know I was laughing at something as I stood there in front of the Cherokee DDD bras. I was on the verge of crying, as I tried to hold back noticeable laughter. I could still hear the kid, and I couldn't help but giggle as tears began to well up in my eyes. I had to get as far away from that voice as humanly possible, lest I piss somebody off.

I gathered myself long enough to wander to the other side of the store in electronics. So there I stand, looking at video games, when I hear the whirr of an electric chair. Dammit.

"Arrrgh!! Duu-uuhhh!!! Tim-timmy!"

Oh man. Here I am trying to be a responsible prick by relocating my sick mind elsewhere, only to be found by the retard and his mom. As he rambled on, a la Timmy, I kept doing that "silent internal laugh" - you know, like you do when you cut a quiet fart on a crowded elevator.

So, giggling somewhat out loud by now, I moved to the men's razor section, and began perusing mens products.

Whirrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

(What the fuck? Do they have "Timmy radar" locked on to me on something?)

"Duuuh. Gobbles! Gobbllllees!"

This time I didn't even wait to see the kid. If I had, I would have bust out for sure at this point. My bottom lip was beginning to hurt from having to bite it to keep from laughing out loud....

I carry my ass back across the store, and am looking at sweaters for the little lady. Guess what?

"Timm-ah. Timmy! Timtimtimtimmmmayyyy!!! Yeeaaahhh....urghhhh....glurg...."

Sonuva.... By now, it's all I can do to keep from losing my mind and falling and the floor, holding my tummy, and rolling around laughing like a lunatic right there in the middle of Tar-jay. This time I got a full facial view of the kid. Man, I know who the South Park guys modeled Timmy after. Seriously. This was *THE* Timmy.

By the time I go to check out, I have a permanent shit eating grin on my face. I can't stop smiling. I am on the verge of cackling non stop for three or four days if I get triggered again. Even the cashier asked me what I was so happy about. "Please God don't let me see the kid again," I prayed. Funny stuff. My being on the verge of laughter was toned down by a lengthy price check, and I didn't hear Timmy anymore. Calm, collected. Whew. Time to go to the car.

I get to my car without incident, and have fully gathered my composure. I go to start the car, when...well, guess who is parked next to me in a "Lord of the Underworlds" mini van?

"Livin a lie....livin a lie....derrrr....duhh-uhhh."

My window is rolled all the way down, and I completely lost it. I think you've each seen me when that happens. It's very noticeable, to the point of "Jesus Christ, is he okay?" I was shaking, twitching, crying, cackling hysterically, holding my stomach, tossing myself about in my car, accidentally honking the horn a coupla times. All the while, the more I laughed, the more Timmy rambled on more loudly than ever, which fed into me laughing even more. I'm crying hard, I can't breathe, snot is running down my face, and I can't stop my insane hysteria.

I slammed the car into drive and somehow made it to the other side of the lot. I rolled up my windows, and sat in a Target parking lot for 45 minutes, laughing my fucking ass off. It simply wasn't safe for me to drive. Every time I'd get ready to go, I'd hear the kid in my mind, and then see Cartman spraying him with a wacky water weasel to baptize him.

It's a good thing I was alone and not with one of you guys - we would have lost our minds VERY quickly. We would have been detained by the authorities for sure, and probably had one pissed off mother of a retard on our hands.

Who knew I'd actually meet Tim-may in Tar-jay?

Even as I type this I can't help but giggle a lot. I hope you got some laughs outta this, and if you didn't well, TIMM-MAAHH!!!!!

�

Chris O.

Kenny Returns!

Willie Westwood

"I feel like things are finally back to normal."

Stan said this on December 11, 2002, after Kenny showed up for Christmas and started talking to the boys. And maybe all is back to normal in South Park; it certainly is in the fandom of the show. For, you see, this past year was a strange year for South Park indeed, with the boys searching for someone to replace Kenny and coming up empty. It was also a contentious one, with heated arguments all over the South Park Studios BBS. But Kenny has returned. I suppose it was about time. Kenny had been away for over a year, at least in bodily form, and man, were people relieved to see him back. A trip down memory lane:

Kenny Dies

One can notice that Matt and Trey had gotten bored with Kenny's death in seasons 4 and 5, as Stan and Kyle had stopped saying the trademark lines that followed Kenny's deaths and started saying different things, as if to distract themselves somehow from the monotony of it all. Matt and Trey decided to kill Kenny off for good on December 5, 2001, in a dramatic episode in which Kenny died slowly from a terminal muscular disease. The other boys had time to absorb the possibility of Kenny's passing before he died, so an impact was possible. And the impact was great, as future events would show..

Butters Fills In

Butters had been a filler for Kenny ever since the middle of the third season, even getting lines in seasons 4 and 5 as a filler. After Kenny died, Butters got his own episode, in which fans of the show had 22 minutes to get to know him and consider him as a fourth friend. The reaction was decidedly mixed, and many fans protested that Kenny had been killed off the show. This protest would last the whole year. Butters was the fourth friend for the first six episodes of season 6, but fans begged for Kenny to return. Some fans suggested that Tweek would be the better replacement, as Butters seemed too dimwitted to keep up with the boys, and his stuttering was a definite turn-off. The boys themselves tried to mold Butters into Kenny, but Butters just wasn't gonna be like Kenny. He was made to suffer humiliation and punishment, such as wearing fake testicles on his chin and being punished for looking at his parents funny. He rebelled at the idea of being Kenny, and the boys eventually dismissed him. They considered him too lame to hang with them, and so a new fourth friend had to be found.

Tweek Fills In

The boys gathered the other fourth grade boys and began a series of events designed to screen out boys (and a few girls, and a towel). In the end, Tweek was chosen to be the new fourth friend. Butters, having been rejected by the boys, decided to turn to the dark side, as no other kids would be his friend. He found a kindred spirit in Dougie, one of the kids who was with Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement the night of the meteor shower. They became Professor Chaos and General Disarray and tried their best to bring chaos to everyone's lives. Their efforts fell short, proving just how lame Butters was. It came to the point that anything Butters tried had been done already by the Simpsons. Butters then faded from the forefront as Tweek took his place. Tweek only lasted four episodes to Butters' eight, as less was found for Tweek to do. His most memorable contributions were as a lookout for the other boys as they dug around in Ms. Choksondik's body for Cartman's sea men, and as a bazooka-toting boy on a mission to destroy Steven Spielberg's new copy of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But fans resisted Tweek as the fourth friend as much as they resisted Butters in that role. Arguments over who would be the next fourth friend or who should have stayed as the fourth friend brewed for weeks on the South Park Studios BBS. And all the while there were calls for Kenny's return. Petitions started popping up calling for Kenny to return, and the BBS's Webmaster, Breayle Riess, was overwhelmed with the passion of it all. She was hoping the fans would just shut up about Kenny coming back and let things play out as Matt and Trey would want.

Kenny Returns... in Cartman

The third part of season 6 began with the boys looking for a winning candy shopping spree ticket. They were under the impression that Kenny could be reached if they could build a ladder to heaven and talk to him up there. Cartman made a milk drink out of Kenny's ashes and drank it up, and soon Kenny began to speak and act through Cartman. Eventually, Cartman had to go to Scotland so Chef's parents could exorcise Kenny's spirit out of Cartman. Unfortunately, there was no body for the spirit to possess, and it was trapped in a pot roast. Tweek didn't play much of a role in this part of the series, and Butters had two memorable roles: one as Gollum searching for the One True Tape, and another as a boy with a future self like Stan had. He and Stan had to find out the truth about their future selves and debunk their parents' efforts at keeping them away from marijuana. By this time, there were fewer threads about Kenny, Butters, and Tweek, but the call for Kenny's return was still heard.

Kenny Returns

On Christmas Eve, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle get their gifts from Santa himself. All of them get the Haibo robot doll, which Cartman wanted. As Cartman didn't want a gift anyone else was getting, he kicked his Haibo robot doll away. Soon after, Kenny walks up and starts talking with the other boys. The boys walk off with Kenny, telling him of their just-completed Christmas adventure. Stan ends the episode with this line: "I feel like things are finally back to normal." Kenny agrees. An explanation as to why Kenny came back may never be given, but the boys aren't gonna worry about it. Life goes on in the town of South Park, and the reasons for Kenny's absence just don't matter anymore. Kenny is back, and all is right with the world.

Or is it? Jesus is dead, and Kenny's appearance in this Christmas episode doesn't guarantee he'll be in the first few eps of season 7.

Jesus is Dead!

Willie Westwood

Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.

With this, Santa puts Jesus back where he should be: in the middle of the Christmas season. But the emphasis now is Jesus' deaath so that Santa will comtinue his yearly Christmas deliveries, rather than his birth. In all truthfulness, Christmas shouldn't be on the calendar at all.

No one knows what time of year Jesus was born. Two theories do exist though. The more popular theory is that Jesus was born in March, the less popular one is that he was born on the Day of Atonement, the day the Israelites are one with God. One of Jesus' names is Emmanuel, God is With His People.

The day Christmas itself comes from Christ's Mass, the Mass of the Christ Child. This day isn't Jesus' actual birthday. It was a day set by the Church to celebrate Jesus' birth, a day created to keep the faithful from observing the feasts already in existence, chief among them being the Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, the Birthday of the Invincible Sun.

Now, substitute Sun with Son and you get a quick Christianization of a pagan holiday. This sort of reinterpretation allowed the Church to give a Christian meaning to every pagan gesture, and thus allowed Gentiles and other pagans to enter the Church more easily. The Church's reason for this is that God created man, and man created these beliefs. Some Christians consider men's beliefs to not be worth a Christian's attention, as those beliefs are not found in the Bible and thus lead to Satan, so anything having to do with Christmas is evil. Thus, Christmas trees, candy canes, presents, Christmas tree lights, Yule logs, Santa, Rudolph, the elves, all these things are pagan in origin, and so should have nothing to do with Christmas. But the Catholic Church feels that since man is still God's creation, man's beliefs can still serve God's purpose, and for that are pagan custons reinterpreted as Christian ones. God is in control, and nothing man can believe should remain pagan under a Christian light.

The core of Church observance concerning Christmas remains scriptural, as it concentrates on the Gospel readings about Jesus' birth, so all these pagan aspects can be removed and we'd still have Christmas. But there's no Scriptural or historical grounding for Jesus' birth on this day, so there should be no Church observances on that day. The reason the Church does observe it is the same reason the Twelve Days of Christmas exist. Christmas was originally observed in Egypt on January 6 as part of a New Year's festival and it spread to cover the whole of the Eastern Church. The Western Church didn't observe Christmas, but as the Western Church was having problems with its members on December 25, it had to find a solution. A Syrian writer, whose name is lost to us, wrote:

The reason why the fathers transferred the celebration of the sixth January to the twenty-fifth of December was this. It was a custom of the heathen to celebrate on the same twenty-fifth of December the birthday of the Sun, at which they kindled lights in token of festivity. In these solemnities and festivities the Christians also took part. Accordingly when the doctors of the Church perceived that the Christians had a leaning to this festival, they took counsel and resolved that the true Nativity should be solemnized on that day and the festival of the Epiphany on the sixth January. Accordingly, along with this custom, the practice has prevailed of kindling fires till the sixth.

Augustine, and Leo the Great after him, had to tell the Christians not to celebrate Christmas the way the pagans do, in honor of the Sun. They had to celebrate Christmas in honor of the Son, which is the way it's celebrated today. Here's a list of pagan holidays, and the days the Church turned them into.

Then	Now
Dies Natalis Solis Invicti	Christmas
Attis festival	Orthodox Easter
Aprilia	St. George
Midsummer Water Festival	St. John the Baptist
Samhain	Halloween
Festival of the Dead	All Souls

As you can see, that "nothing man can believe should remain pagan under a Christian light" has been practised over the centuries by the Church, so that even if a Christian belief is of pagan origin, it is no longer pagan once the Church has assimilated it. But pagan origins remain, so many pagan aspects of Christmas are being celebrated more now than before (with a big push from commercialism), and the Christian roots of Christmas have been dying off. Considering Christmas' pagan origins and Santa's speech up there, is it wise to celebrate Christmas at all?

But back to the title of this commentary: Jesus is dead. Jesus has returned once more, three days after his death. He can surely come back again. Maybe for Easter, as that holiday hasn't been touched by Matt and Trey. :)

The Steven Spielberg Interview

from About.com

Did you happen to see the South Park episode where they spoofed you?

I loved it. It was so great. George Lucas sent it to me. George says, "You've got to see this. It's amazing." He sent it to me and I saw it. I watched it with my kids and my kids loved it. And I called George back and said, "George, they got one thing wrong." And George said, "What's that?" And I said, "It's usually you saying to me, 'Stop Steven, turn around, do what I say.' And they gave me the power over you. Man, I love that so much. I never had the power over you." I wrote a letter to them, to the boys, and said, "Gee it was great, and I really enjoyed it. It was really funny. And thanks for the great idea of re-mastering and changing Raiders of the Lost Ark. Without that show, I never would have thought [of it] and now George and I are busy at work, remaking Raiders of the Lost Ark. We appreciate the suggestions."

Is the Writing on the Show getting Worse?

by Willie Westwood, February 27

Some people feel season 6 is the best season so far for South Park, others feel it's the worst. Some that feel it's the worst say it's the addition of new writers that diluted Matt and Trey's humor. So, let's have a look at the writers. You can find them at the end of every episode, so I'll point out their tenures.

Matt used to cowrite with Trey, but the last episode he has a writing credit on is 402 - The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000.
David Goodman came on in 107 - Pink Eye, and last wrote for 617 - Red Sleigh Down. Word is 617 was his last episode as a writer, but we'll see in three weeks.
Nancy M. Pimental came on in 205 - Jakovasaurs and last wrote for 514 - Butters' Very Own Episode.
Kyle McCullouch came on in 312 - Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery and last wrote for 617 - Red Sleigh Down. He'll be back this coming season.
Erica Rivinoja came on in 505 - Terrance & Phillip: Behind the Blow and last wrote for 606 - Professor Chaos.
Tim Talbott came on in 512 - Here Comes The Neighborhood and last wrote for 611 - Child Abduction Is Not Funny.
Glasgow Phillips came on in 602 - Jared Gets Aides and last wrote for 611 - Child Abduction Is Not Funny.
Karey Dornetto is the newest writer, coming in on 614 - The Death Camp of Tolerance.

So, if anything, it's Nancy M. Pimental's departure, rather than the addition of any new writers, that saw the show's writing suffer. But that's up for debate. I, for one, liked the writing in season 6, apart from Butters getting in trouble or being abused by the boys. Tweek could have used a lot of fleshing out, though.

Similarities by Airdate

by Magicfan89

Epsiodes 505 and 604 - In 505 Terrance and Phillip are brough together by a "Behind The Blow" special after fighting and parting ways. In 604 a commercial for their next film, "Asses of Fire 2," is shown at the end of Russell Crowe's show. (both were fifth to show in their respective seasons).

Episodes 506 and 606 - in 506 Cartman buys North Park Funland for a while, but is forced to share it with everyone just to make the park profitable. He sells it because he can't enjoy it. In 606 Cartman returns to North Park Funland with Stan and Kyle, and many of the fourth graders, to begin weeding out the contestants for fourth friend.

A Home-Schooled Student Speaks Out

by Vivian

I noticed you mentioned South Park homeschooling on your site and I wanted to contribute some kinda funny information about my experience with homeschooling.

I am a former home-schooled high schooler. I'm sixteen and I graduated with a GED last June and am starting college in a few days. (I only did my schooling at home in 7th, 9th, and 10th grade.)

I just want to say, for the record, that I am not from a liberal, hippie, "unschooling" family, nor am I from a Protestant family with a handful of little homeschoolers, strictly Christian curriculum, and no secular music allowed in the house.

I am a huge South Park/Matt and Trey fan. I'm a devout Catholic (oxymoron?). I chose to be homeschooled and I learned all by myself with books and really no teaching from my parents. I have a brother who would not be caught dead learning at home.

I probably studied for about three hours a day when I was homeschooled. I watched South Park dvds and ate or slept the rest of the time. Through all my school time, I listened to South Park sound clips and songs I downloaded from the internet.

And, when I saw the monkey phonics South Park episode, I laughed my ass off!

They drew homeschoolers (Mark and Rebecca) so realistically. I didn't know they even HAD a stereotypical look until I saw that show! "The personalities of a wet dishcloth--" brilliant! I was not the least bit offended, probably because none of these stereotypes applied to me.

But the thing that got me laughing the most was my realization that my homeschooling was IDENTICAL to Cartman's! It was supposed to be a joke: not about real homeschoolers, but about the laziness that would ensue if Cartman had the chance to be taught at home by his mom. My mom is a lot like Cartman's, but I'm exactly like Kyle in many respects. In the homeschooling respect, I guess I wasn't.

I just want to say that I learned like Cartman. I woke up at noon and worked until three. And I turned out just fine, if I do say so myself. I thought you may be interested in hearing this story. If not, phooey on you! And I am studying, Mom, I'm learning with the Phonics Monkey.

~Vivian

Winning the Culture War, South Park excerpt

By Brian C. Anderson, City Journal, November 3, 2003

Many conservatives have attacked South Park for its exuberant vulgarity, calling it �twisted,� �vile trash,� a �threat to our youth.� Such denunciations are misguided. Conservative critics should pay closer attention to what South Park so irreverently jeers at and mocks. As the show�s co-creator, 32-year-old Matt Stone, sums it up: �I hate conservatives, but I really fucking hate liberals.�

Not for nothing has blogger and former New Republic editor Andrew Sullivan praised the show for being �the best antidote to PC culture we have.� South Park sharpens the iconoclastic, anti-PC edge of earlier cartoon shows like The Simpsons and King of the Hill, and spares no sensitivity. The show�s single black kid is called Token. One episode, �Cripple Fight,� concludes with a slugfest between the boys� wheelchair-bound, cerebral-palsy-stricken friend Timmy and the obnoxious Jimmy, who wants to be South Park�s Number One �handi-capable� citizen (in his cringe-making PC locution). In another, �Rainforest Schmainforest,� the boys� school sends them on a field trip to Costa Rica, led by an activist choir group, �Getting Gay with Kids,� which wants to raise youth awareness about �our vanishing rain forests.� Shown San Jos�, Costa Rica�s capital, the boys are unimpressed:

Cartman: [holding his nose] Oh my God, it smells like ass out here!

Choir teacher: All right, that does it! Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant.

Cartman: I wasn�t saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.

But if the city is unpleasant, the rain forest itself is a nightmare: the boys get lost, wilt from the infernal heat, face deadly assaults from monstrous insects and a giant snake, run afoul of revolutionary banditos, and�worst of all�must endure the choir teacher�s New-Agey gushing: �Shhh! Children! Let�s try to listen to what the rain forest tells us, and if we use our ears, she can tell us so many things.� By the horrifying trip�s end, the boys are desperate for civilization, and the choir teacher herself has come to despise the rain forest she once worshiped: �You go right ahead and plow down this whole fuckin� thing,� she tells a construction worker.

The episode concludes with the choir�s new song:

Doo doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo wa.
There�s a place called the rain forest that truly sucks ass.
Let�s knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
You say �save the rain forest� but what do you know?
You�ve never been to the rainforest before.
Getting Gay with Kids is here
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes �cause caring sells.
All you activists can go fuck yourselves.

As the disclaimer before each episode states, the show is so offensive �it should not be viewed by anyone.�

One of the contemporary Left�s most extreme (and, to conservatives, objectionable) strategies is its effort to draw the mantle of civil liberties over behavior once deemed criminal, pathological, or immoral, as a brilliant South Park episode featuring a visit to town by the North American Man-Boy Love Association�the ultra-radical activist group advocating gay sex with minors�satirizes:

NAMBLA leader: [outside South Park Inn, under arrest] Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I�ve learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because they believed in an idea. An idea called �freedom.� They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn�t be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we�re different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don�t understand. And sometimes it�s easier to persecute than to understand.

Kyle: Dude. You have sex with children.

NAMBLA leader: We are human. Most of us didn�t even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can�t help the way we are, and if you all can�t understand that, well, then, I guess you�ll just have to put us away.

Kyle: [slowly, for emphasis] Dude. You have sex with children.

Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.

Another episode��Cherokee Hair Tampons��ridicules multiculti sentimentality about holistic medicine and the �wisdom� of native cultures. Kyle suffers a potentially fatal kidney disorder, and his clueless parents try to cure it with �natural� Native American methods, leaving their son vomiting violently and approaching death�s door:

Sheila: [Kyle's Mom] Everything is going to be fine, Stan; we�re bringing in Kyle tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally.

Stan: Isn�t it possible that these Indians don�t know what they�re talking about?

Sharon: [Stan's Mom] You watch your mouth, Stanley. The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources by white people like us.

Stan: And that has something to do with their medicines because . . . ?

Sharon: Enough, Stanley!

South Park regularly mocks left-wing celebrities who feel entitled to pontificate on how the nation should be run. In one of the most brutal parodies, made in just several days during the 2000 Florida recount fiasco, loudmouth Rosie O�Donnell sweeps into town to weigh in on a kindergarten election dispute involving her nephew. The boys� teacher dresses her down: �People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to middle America, you think we�re all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment. Just because you�re on TV doesn�t mean you know crap about the government.�

South Park has satirized the sixties counterculture (Cartman has feverish nightmares about hippies, who �want to save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad�); anti-big-business zealots (a �Harbucks� coffee chain opens in South Park, to initial resistance but eventual acclaim as everyone�including the local coffee house�s owners�admits its bean beats anything previously on offer in the town); sex ed in school (featuring �the Sexual Harassment Panda,� an outrageous classroom mascot); pro-choice extremists (Cartman�s mother decides she wants to abort him, despite the fact that he�s eight years old, relying on the �it�s my body� argument); hate-crime legislation, anti-discrimination lawsuits, gay scout leaders, and much more. Conservatives do not escape the show�s satirical sword�gun-toting rednecks and phony patriots have been among those slashed. But there should be no mistaking the deepest thrust of South Park�s politics.

Matt Stone Interview, Bowling for Columbine

by Michael Moore

Stone: Well like, when they have their convention in Colorado, a week or whatever the month out in Columbine-

Moore: The NRA

Stone: Yeah, that was just rid-yeah, that was just stupid. You just don't do tha- I mean, of course you have the right to, but what are you doin'? You know? That's just upsetting a whole city full of people. Why would you do that?

[Moore introduces Matt in a voiceover]

Stone: Yeah, Columbine is like a, you know, crappy school in the middle of a bunch of crappy houses

[Moore inroduces SP:BLU and a clip of it is shown, noting that the anger Trey and Matt harbor has been directed into making the show and movie rather than making carnage]

Moore: Columbine is a normal high school in a normal suburb, you know, basically.

Stone: Yep. Painfully painfully painfully normal. Just absolutely painfully ordinary average, you know. Littleton in general is, um-. I remember being in sixth grade ..and ...I had to take the the the math test to get into Honors Math in seventh grade. And they were like "Don't screw this up, because if you screw this up you won't get into Honors Math in seventh grade" and of course, if you don't get into Honors Math in seventh grade you won't get into Honors Math in eighth grade, and then in not ninth grade, and then in not tenth grade, eleventh grade, and then you'll just die poor and lonely. And that's it, you know, I mean it's like eight- you- I I uh, you know, you believe in high school and the t-you know and a lot of it is kids, but the teachers and counselors and principals don't help things. They scare you into doing int-into con- conforming and doing good in school by saying "if you're a loser now, you're gonna be a loser forever" so that when Eric and Dylan right? You can call them fag; they're like, "You know what, if I'm a fag now, I'm a fag forever" and you wish someone just could've grabbed them and gone "Dude, high school is not the end of-" In the year and a half or year was it? I don't even know. A year you just move out, and then, you don't care...

Moore: Nono, they, they were two weeks, they were weeks away from graduation.

Stone: Yeah, you're done. You you you know what, ih it's amazing how fast you lose touch with all those people. They just, just beat it in your head as early as sixth grade.

Moore: Right.

Stone: "Don't fuck up, because if you do you're gonna die poor and loenly. You don't wanna do that." You're like, "Fuck, whatever I am now, I'm that forever." And of course it's completely opposite: all the dorks in high school go on to do great things and all the really cool guys are all like living back in Littleton as insurance agents. Completely and almost person to person, it's it's completely that way. And you see that if someone could've told them that, maybe they wouldn't have done it but... yeah.