|Kyle:||Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice. [a dog walks up to the boys]|
|Kyle:||[looking] Who's that?|
|Stan:||That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.|
|Stan:||Good dog, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?|
|Cartman:||Eh. You're making me sick, dude.|
|Stan:||He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.|
|Cartman:||No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.|
|Stan:||He's not meaner than Sparky.|
|Cartman:||Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester. [he comes over]|
|Stan:||Sparky'll kick his ass.|
|Cartman:||I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.|
|Kyle:||You're on, dude. [Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl]|
|Stan:||That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass! [Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggresive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked]|
|Cartman:||Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.|
|Stan:||Sparky, bad dog!|
|Kenny:||(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)|
|Cartman:||Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.|
|Stan:||What do you mean?|
|Cartman:||That dog is a gay homosexual.|
|Stan:||[looks back to study the situation, then …] He's just confused.|
|Kyle:||I think the other dog's the one that's confused.|
|Kenny:||(No, check his penis) [Kyle smiles]|
|Stan:||Sick, shut up dude. [Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away]|
|Cartman:||Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo. [the bus pulls up]|
|[Football Field, sideline]|
|Chef:||Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park.|
|Kyle:||Who's Middle Park?|
|Chef:||But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [Silence] Now, let's start practice. [blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field]|
|Pip:||Uh, Mr. Chef sir?|
|Chef:||Yes Pip, what is it?|
|Pip:||Well, I still don't have a helmet.|
|Chef:||I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.|
|Pip:||Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?|
|Chef:||Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does.|
|Chef:||Sorry son, now get your ass in there.|
|[On the playing field]|
|Stan:||Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.|
|Chef:||[impatiently] Hike the damn ball! [Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.]|
|Jimbo:||[arriving with Ned] Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?|
|Chef:||[distracted] Huh? Oh fine, fine.|
|Jimbo:||I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni.|
|Chef:||Elementary school alumni?|
|Jimbo:||That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?|
|Chef:||I don't know. Wwha, what's the spread?|
|Jimbo:||Middle Park by 70 points.|
|Chef:||Hmmm. [looks towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball] I don't think we have a chance.|
|Jimbo:||Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley?|
|Stan:||[turning to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes] Huh? [the ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle]|
|Chef:||Great pass Stan.|
|Jimbo:||Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie.|
|[On sideline after practice]|
|Chef:||Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.|
|Kyle:||Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?|
|Stan:||Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.|
|Clyde:||Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.|
|Stan:||Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- [Sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down!|
|Clyde:||Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?|
|Cartman:||There he goes again.|
|Stan:||Get down Sparky! Down!|
|Cartman:||Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.|
|Clyde:||Make him stop!|
|Rex:||[moving away with his tail between his legs] Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!|
|Fosse:||[passes by laughing, with Bill] I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.|
|Bill:||Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.|
|Fosse:||Gay dog. [The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting]|
|[Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Football practice must have been in the morning]|
|Cartman:||…And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.|
|Mr. Garrison:||Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a "D-".|
|Mr. Garrison:||Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?|
|Mr. Hat:||Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?|
|Mr. Garrison:||Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.|
|Stan:||Um, I'm not really prepared either.|
|Mr. Garrison:||Well, just make something up, like Eric did.|
|Stan:||Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-|
|Mr. Garrison:||Excellent. "A-".|
|Cartman:||Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"?|
|Mr. Garrison:||Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people.|
|Cartman:||That's not fair!|
|Mr. Hat:||Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it.|
|Cartman:||Stupid puppet. [Dismissal bell rings]|
|Mr. Garrison:||Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.|
|Stan:||[as everyone leaves] Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?|
|Mr. Garrison:||Well of course Stanley, what is it?|
|Stan:||What's a - homosexual?|
|Mr. Garrison:||Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down. [Stan sits] Stanley, gay people…well- gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?|
|Mr. Garrison:||Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.|
|[Bus stop. The kids get off the bus]|
|Cartman:||You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass.|
|Kyle:||You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.|
|Cartman:||Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.|
|Stan:||Shut up dude! [Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on] Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?|
|Cartman:||Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen.|
|Stan:||He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky. [Sparky sits] Good boy, now shake. [Sparky shakes.] Goood boy. Now, don't be gay. [waiting for the comand to sink in] Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay. [Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls]|
|Kyle:||Did it work?|
|Stan:||I don't know.|
|Cartman:||He still looks pretty gay to me.|
|Fosse:||Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?|
|Bill:||Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. [They laugh] Stupid little gay dog.|
|Stan:||Come on you guys, I have an idea.|
|[Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well]|
|Jimbo:||I want $500 on the South Park Cows.|
|Bookie:||Are you crazy?|
|Jimbo:||No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.|
|Gambler 1:||I want to put all my money on the Cows.|
|Gambler 2:||Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too.|
|Gambler 3:||Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.|
|Lady Gambler 1:||I got 500 on the Cows.|
|Lady Gambler 2:||Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.|
|Jimbo:||Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now, Iiii.|
|Gambler 4:||You better be right about this Jimbo.|
|Jimbo:||Hehe, yeah. Don't, don't worry yourself.|
|Ned:||Are you sure Stan is that good?|
|Jimbo:||Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha, what's the halftime show gonna be?|
|Bookie:||You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing Loving You.|
|Ned:||I love that song.|
|Jimbo:||Loving You? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.|
|[In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.]|
|Stan:||Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't- [notices a pink scarf on Sparky] Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?! [grabs the scarf] No pink bandanas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi. [the crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out]|
|Kyle:||Oolala [Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her]|
|Cartman:||There he goes.|
|Stan:||Atta boy Spark, get her. [Sparky goes for it] Yes! [Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck.] Ah crap! Now what do I do?|
|Kyle:||Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.|
|Cartman:||No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France.|
|Kenny:||(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck)|
|Stan:||I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.|
|Kyle:||Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.|
|[Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV]|
|TV Announcer:||And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.|
|Jesus:||Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions … Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep]|
|Robert:||Yeah, is, is this Jesus?|
|Jesus:||Yes my son.|
|Robert:||This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.|
|Jesus:||Of course Robert. How are things now?|
|Robert:||Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.|
|Jesus:||Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. [Beep]|
|Stan:||Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a, he's a homosexual.|
|Jesus:||My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-|
|TV Announcer:||[the station's logo pops up] That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.|
|Kyle:||What'd he say?|
|Stan:||I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.|
|Cartman:||Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kiick ass!|
|Stan:||Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?|
|Kyle:||Come on dude, we have to get to practice.|
|Stan:||No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog! [outside, Sparky overhears this] I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin! [Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone]|
|[On the sideline at practice]|
|Chef:||Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts] Gently…yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.]|
Just like makin' sweet love to the football.
|Chef:||Spank it, ever so gently.|
|Chef:||Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.|
|Pip:||Uh, Mr. Chef sir?|
|Chef:||No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.|
|Pip:||Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?|
|Chef:||That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?|
|Pip:||No um, I guess not.|
|Jimbo:||What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.|
|Carl:||What moment would that be?|
|Jimbo:||Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.|
|Carl:||What high F?|
|Jimbo:||You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo…Aaaaah|
|Carl:||Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo.|
|Jimbo:||No, damnit! The Aaaaah.|
|Carl:||Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.|
|Jimbo:||You got it…|
|Ned:||aaa - dooo|
|Carl:||Alright, yeah, okay…|
|[On the sideline at practice]|
|Chef:||What's the matter Stan, you seem down.|
|Stan:||I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.|
|Chef:||Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.|
|Mr. Garrison:||[coming up to see what's the matter] Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.|
|Chef:||Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.|
|Mr. Garrison:||What do you mean?|
|Chef:||Well, you're gay aren't you?|
|Mr. Garrison:||What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.|
|Chef:||Well, you sure do act like it.|
|Mr. Garrison:||I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass. [Chef looks puzzled, wondering]|
|[On the field]|
|Kyle:||[running up from behind] What's the matter dude?|
|Stan:||I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.|
|Cartman:||Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him] Ow!|
|[Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking throught the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him]|
|Big Gay Al:||Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al. [Sparky looks at him] Have you been outcast? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.|
|[Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up]
||Stan:||Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
||Kyle:||Wow, it's been like two days.
||Stan:||I think he might've run away.
||Cartman:||Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow!
||Kyle:||We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.
||Stan:||I'm not playing.
||Stan:||I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. [leaves]
|Jimbo:||[Whisper] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
||Ned:||[Louder] Okay [They climb over the fence and go to…]
|Jimbo:||Hello there, Enrique.
||Ned:||What are we doing here?
||Jimbo:||Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in Loving You, Boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble]
||Jimbo:||[laughs] God damn, I love football!
||Stan:||Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?
||[South Park Elementary.]
||Cowboys:||[exiting the bus] Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
||[South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.]
||Frank Hammond:||Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's matchup between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows. [pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines] Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.
||Chef:||[between his teeth] Oohh, come on Stan.
||Pip:||Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
||Chef:||No Pip, I'm sorry!
||[South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin]
||Chef:||You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.
||Kyle:||But I never practiced quarterback.
||Chef:||It's a little late for that bullcrap now.
||Frank:||Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski.
||Mr. Garrison:||Heyhey, where is little Stanley?
||Mr. Hat:||Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
||Jimbo:||Ned, look. [Middle Park's mascot is shown] They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.
||[Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
||Big Gay Al:||Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
||Stan:||Fine, how are you?
||Big Gay Al:||I'm super, thanks for asking.
||Stan:||My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here.
||Big Gay Al:||Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. [they enter]
||Stan:||D'you have lots of gay dogs here?
||Big Gay Al:||We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion. [and three gay bunnies]
||Big Gay Al:||And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
||Stan:||Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
||Big Gay Al:||Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance? [They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail]
||Vocalist:||Oww, we can both be gay!
||[In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss]
||Kyle:||Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!
||[At the line of scrimmage]
||Cowboy 1:||You guys are toast.
||Cowboy 2:||Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.
||Cartman:||We'll just see about that.
||Kyle:||Set, set. [Cartman farts long and nasty. Kyle quickly retreats] Damn it Cartman!
||Chef:||What's the matter?
||Cartman:||No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
||Chef:||Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty.
||Kyle:||No way dude!
||Chef:||Hike the ball.
||Kyle:||[back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.] Ah, dude, weak.
||Cartman:||That's right, you get back there.
||Frank:||The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes. [Screaming as Kyle is tackled] Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball…they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.
||Frank:||Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.
||Phil:||[quickly covers the mike] Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
||Frank:||Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
||Townsman 1:||We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.
||Jimbo:||Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe.
||[Big Gay Al's dance floor]
||Vocalist:||…both be gay.|
[Stan is gettin' down with a monkey, then sees Sparky]
|Stan:||Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
||Stan:||I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
||Stan:||Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game. [Sparky follows Stan] We can work on making you not gay together. [Sparky stops and sits] Sparky?
||Big Gay Al:||Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
||Stan:||What don't I understand?
||Big Gay Al:||Come this way, I have to show you something.
||[South Park Football Field, second quarter]
||Frank:||With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
||Kyle:||Hut, hut. [Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball]
||Frank:||Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.
||Phil:||[muffling Frank] Dude! Now that is not cool.
||[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]
||Big Gay Al:||Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride. [Stan looks at the boat] Step aboard, Stanley. [does so, with Sparky] Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.
||[South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show]
||Frank:||And the South Park Cows are set to receive… [Cowboys kick off] There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick. [weaves through the special teams] He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.
||Cowboys:||Hold him, hold him! [Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms] Hold him, hold him!
||Cowboy:||Yaaah! [A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.]
||Frank:||The running back is down. I think he's… [Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.] Yes, he's been decapitated.
||Kyle:||Wha-? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!
||Phil:||That's gotta hurt, Frank.
||Chef:||Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field.
||Frank:||Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.
||[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]
||Big Gay Al:||You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan. [they cross swords] Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my! [fires off a shot with his revolver] Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely. [Doors open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World.']
||Boat Ride Singers:||
We're all gay, and it's okay|
'cause gay means happy and happy means gay.
We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door.
It's okay, hey, to be gay!
|Big Gay Al:||Sooo, what do you think Stan? [It's okay to be gay…]
||Stan:||This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand. [It's okay to be gay. Shalala Waylaylay Shalala Waylaylay It's okay to be gay.]
||Big Gay Al:||Isn't this precious?
||[South Park Football Field. Halftime]
||Frank:||And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother…
||Richard:||[Music starts up]|
is easy cause you're beautiful
Aaaaa [his voice cracks and the music stops] Aaaaa
|Jimbo:||What the hell?!
||Richard:||Aaaaa [his voice wavers]
||Jimbo:||He didn't sing the high F.
||Mr. Garrison:||Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this
||Jimbo:||Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked.
||Mr. Garrison:||It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
||[Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
||Stan:||Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
||Big Gay Al:||No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
||Stan:||No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy! [they start to walk off]
||Big Gay Al:||Oh Stan? [they halt] When you get back to town, [earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
||Stan:||I will Big Gay Al, I will. [they depart]
||Big Gay Al:||Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside]
||[South Park Football Field, fourth quarter]
||Frank:||And these South Park Cows are being absolutely [thump] molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since…
||Mr. Garrison:||I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo.
||Mr. Hat:||Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game
||Townsman:||You're a dead man Jimbo [A hail of food products is thrown at uncle Jimbo.]
||Frank:||Well, this should just about wrap it up for- [Stan and Sparky come on to the field.] Wait a minute, what's this?
||Frank:||It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
||Chef:||Where the hell have you been Stan?!
||Stan:||I've been getting my best friend back.
||Chef:||Just get in there boy!
||Jimbo:||Give 'em hell Stanley! [Stan takes his place] Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
||Jesus:||[in the first row] Leave me alone.
||Frank:||Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
||Kyle:||Hey Stan, Ah-I'm open, I think.
||Frank:||And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.
||Kyle:||Oof. [runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.]
||Frank:||Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
||Phil:||Dude! [Frank recoils. The crowd cheers as Kyle scores]
||Frank:||The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread! [swats his mike away]
||[Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard]
||Frank:||Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
||Stan:||Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.
||Stan:||And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!
||Stan:||And it's okay to be gay! [The crowd falls silent]
||Stan:||Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.
||Mr. Garrison:||What the hell is he talking about?!
||Frank:||Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?
||Stan:||I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety. [The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief] It's true, I'll show you.
||[At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
||Stan:||But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club.
||Cartman:||Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man. [missing animals suddenly appear]
||Townswoman:||Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago.
||Big Gay Al:||[suddenly at Stanley's side] I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
||Stan:||Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
||Big Gay Al:||I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done. [pops his suitcase open and climbs into it] Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you. [presses a button, and the suitcase closes]
||Stan:||Wow! [The suitcase flies off. Al really was a fairy.]
||Richard:||You guys, you guys! I can do it.
||Mr. Garrison:||Do what?
is easy cause you're beautiful
||[End of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]