Episode 112 - Mecha Streisand

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Kenny
Cartman
Mr. Garrison
Barbra Streisand / Mecha Barbura Sturaisanda
Leonard Maltin / Lenardu Marutin
Sidney Poitier / Mecha Poatia
Tiny twin Japanese princesses
Robert Smith / Rabartu Smitu
Dave, the anchor
Reporter
Quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony
Anthropologist
Ike
Milo
Japanese Singer
Sheila Broflovski
Chef
Director
Sally Struthers
Cameo: Mr. Hankey


[Southwest Colorado, Site B. The kids are on a field trip]
Anthropologist:…And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month.
Cartman:Boooriing. [the class laughs]
Mr. Garrison:Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [under the morning edition of the ROCKY MTN. NEWS, with Mr. Hankey as the lead story]
Anthropologist:Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?
Stan:Isn't that your job?
Anthropologist:Wu… yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.
Stan:Oooh.
Anthropologist:Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes - that were handed out and we wuh dig for our very own Indian arrowheads. [The class cheers, scatters, get some pickaxes and start picking away at the site]
Cartman:Day is never finished, Massa got me working
Someday Massa set me free…
Stan:Dude. Shut up, Cartman.
Pip:Oh! Oh I think I found one! [reaching down for an arrowhead]
Cartman:[seeing this] No, I found it.
Pip:Oh. I do believe I found it first.
Cartman:No, I did, Pip.
Pip:Oh dear.
Cartman:Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it.
Pip:What do you mean?
Cartman:Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead.
Pip:Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must.
Cartman:Okay, ready? I'll go first. [back up, then runs at Pip, and kicks him in the nuts. Pip goes down in pain. The other kids laugh]
Pip:Well-uh I, I guess you win.
Cartman:Huh I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it. [tosses it back to Pip. The kids resume digging]

Day is never finished, Massa got me working

Oh, look, I found another one [looks it over, then] Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle! [tosses that one away, and it lands before Kyle]

Kyle:Whoa. Check it out, dude. [picks it ap] It's got little drawings on it.
Stan:[coming over] What is it?
Kyle:I don't know. [it flickers, then glows for a moment]
Stan:Whoa!
Kyle:That was cool!
Cartman:[rushing over] Eeyy! Give me that back!
Kyle:You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now.
Cartman:We'll roshambo for it!
Kyle:No way, fatty, it's mine!
Cartman:ANTHROPOLOGIST!
Anthropologist:[strolling over] How's it going, boys?
Cartman:I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!
Kyle:You threw it away, fatso!
Anthropologist:Hm, let me see that. [examines it] Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!
Cartman:[to Kyle] Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it! [Kyle takes the triangle from the anthropologist and walks away]
NEWS 4
SPECIAL REPORT
Anchor:…and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony.
Quadraplegic Swiss man:Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.
Kyle:Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'
Cartman:…and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!
Kyle:[off camera] You liar, Cartman!
Cartman:Screw you, triangle thief!
Quadraplegic Swiss man:And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science… mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.
Dave:Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.
Cartman:[popping up before the camera] Eeyy!
[Kyle' house. The boys have returned from their trip]
Stan:What are you going to do with it, dude?
Kyle:I'm going to put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it.
Cartman:Oh I'll find it, don't worry! [Kyle enters his room and closes the door. Cartman rushes up to it and jumps on the door knob] God - dammit, give me my triangle, Kyle, seriously.
Stan:You did throw it away, Cartman.
Cartman:I was just setting it aside.
Stan:Well, you might as well let it go.
Cartman:Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!
[School cafeteria. Chef is preparing a dish]
Chef:Give me a little bit of that pepper
Give me a little bit of that salt
put it in the skillet and cook it…
Leonard Maltin:Excuse me, sir…
Chef:Can I help-ey, you're that movie critic - guy on TV.
Leonard Maltin:Leonard Maltin, yes.
Chef:Well, I'll be a teenage girl backstage at am Aerosmith concert. Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef.
Leonard Maltin:I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?
Chef:Barbra Streisand? You mean like, the Barbra Streisand?
Leonard Maltin:Have you seen her?!
Chef:No. Not since Yentl.
Leonard Maltin:Thank God. Then I'm not too late.
Chef:Too late for what?
Leonard Maltin:Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.
Chef:Why do you care?
[The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are working on a snowman as Cartman and Kenny watch]
Stan:I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny:(Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)
Kyle:What would we use a marble sack for?
Cartman:Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it.
Kyle:I didn't steal anything.
Cartman:[looking away so as to not see Kyle] Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?
Kyle:Good! [he looks back as helicopter blades are heard]
Cartman:What's that noise? [a pink helicopter descends]
Kyle:Whoa!
Cartman:Aaah! Aliens! [covers his butt. The helicopter lands, the door opens, and Barbra Streisand appears]
Barbra Streisand:Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight? [Stan and Kenny point at Kyle] Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?
Kyle:No.
Barbra Streisand:Ugh. I bet you do.

I'm going-

Kyle:Aagh! Stop that!
Barbra Streisand:-where there's lucky clovers in the f-
Stan:Ow, that sucks, dude!
Barbra Streisand:I'm Barbra Streisand!
Stan:…so?
Barbra Streisand:So?! Uh muh, so I'm a very famous and vey important individual.
Stan:Like John Elway important?
Barbra Streisand:What?!
Stan:D'you know John Elway?
Barbra Streisand:No!
Stan:Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!
Barbra Streisand:Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?
Kyle:Yyeeaahh.
Cartman:No! I found it, he stole it!
Kyle:You threw it away, Cartman!
Cartman:I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.
Barbra Streisand:Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?
Kyle:Yeah. How'd you know?
Barbra Streisand:Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?
Kyle:Triangle of Zinthar?
Stan:Why do you wanta know, lady?!
Barbra Streisand:I'm not talking to you, you piss-ant little hick!
Stan:Whoa, dude!
Barbra Streisand:Where is the triangle, dammit?! [picks up Kyle by the throat]
Kyle:AAAAAA!
Officer Barbrady:[Barbra drops Kyle on seeing him] What seems to be the problemo here?
Barbra Streisand:Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.
Cartman:Na-ah! She's being a total bitch!
Officer Barbrady:Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
Stan:It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady:No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers! [the boys leave. Kyle lucked out]
Barbra Streisand:[faces Officer Barbrady] …Well?!
Officer Barbrady:Well what?
Barbra Streisand:You know who I am, don't you?
Officer Barbrady:Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand:Waaaaaaah! [leaves in a huff]
Officer Barbrady:Hoh, what a bitch!
[Kyle's house. Chef and Maltin are at the door]
Chef:[rings the bell and knocks] I gues he's not home, Leonard Maltin.
Leonard Maltin:Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.
Chef:Come on, man. What is this all about?
Leonard Maltin:If Barbra Streisand saw the same report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?
Chef:Hmmm. [a picture of Tom's Rhinoplasty pops into his head]
Leonard Maltin:Nono! I mean, where would she be staying?
Chef:Oh. Uh, well, I always heard that Ms. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium - up near the ski slope.
Leonard Maltin:Where?
Chef:Uh I don't know. Ih-ih it was just a runor.
Leonard Maltin:Dammit man, where's your car?!
BARBRA STREISAND'S
FOUR MILLION DOLLAR CONDO
IN THE MOUNTAINS
Barbra Streisand:He has it, Milo. That little bastard has the triangle.
Milo:Are you sure?
Barbra Streisand:I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krewluck!
Milo:Then why don't we go get it?
Barbra Streisand:A cop showed up - he's a clever one - I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully. [she goes to some bookshelves and pulls on a book, on the top of which is a secret button. She presses the button and the shelf rotates to reveal a pedestal with two holders. One triangle is already in one holder, the other one is still alone] How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle, and now I am so close. The Dawn of Zinthar is close at hand! [she laughs rather hysterically]
[Kyle's bedroom. He's asleep. A model of the solar system, a picture of him and his elephant, and the Triangle of Zinthar can be seen on his dresser. The camera pans up to see a saw cutting through the ceiling. The hole is made and the cut piece is pushed unto the floor. Kyle flinches and turns around, now facing the wall. A rope comes down and footfalls are heard. Kyle adjusts himself. A pair of eyes looks around and sees the triangle, then Kyle, then back to the triangle. The eyes approach and two hands reach out to grab the triangle]
Ike:Cokeshen. [Cartman is distracted, knocking down the picture]
Kyle:[waking up] Cartman?
Cartman:[revealing himself] You scared the crap out of me, Ike!
Kyle:What the hell are you doing??
Cartman:I'm trying to get my tri- wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?
Ike:Rear trohtru badt.
Kyle:Well, Ike. You can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!
Ike:Cookeh monter
Cartman:Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty goddam son of a bitch!!
Ike:Ahtoahtahneurah.
Kyle:[leaving his bed] Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!
Cartman:Huh?!
Kyle:If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damned thing! Here! [hands him the triangle] There. Now, get out of my house! And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself!
Cartman:[looking at the triangle] Hell, yeah I do, I got the triangle.
I got the triangle, I got the triangle, dee dun dee dun
[backs up and goes out the door. Kyle goes back to sleep]
[Chef's Town and Country. He and Maltin are driving around]
Leonard Maltin:Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?
Chef:It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.
Leonard Maltin:Then we've got to keep looking.
Chef:[braking hard] Alright. Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile until you tell me what this is all about!
Leonard Maltin:Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?
Chef:Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but-.
Leonard Maltin:More than a bitch! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.
Chef:Woohoohoohoo. An insurance salesman?
Leonard Maltin:When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the univese. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos.
Chef:Okay. You know what? Never mind, I don't need to know all this! [starts up the station wagon] Forget I asked!
Leonard Maltin:Before she was seven the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles.
Chef:And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?
Leonard Maltin:Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs gets ahold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind. Mecha-Streisand!
Chef:Mega-Streisand? Oh, man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.
[The bus stop, Monday]
Stan:Man, the bus sure is late.
Cartman:Hmmm. I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is mmyy triangle.
Kyle:Dammit Cartman! I gave it to you so you would shut… up.
Barbra Streisand:[pulls up in her car wearing a Groucho Marx face mask, and steps out] Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?
Stan:Fine.
Barbra Streisand:That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person. [The four boys stand silent] I hear that one of you found my triangle.
Kyle:Your triangle?
Barbra Streisand:Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it I was sure to die within hours.
Cartman:Oh no you don't! Finders Keepers!
Barbra Streisand:But I'll die.
Cartman:Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can…
Barbra Streisand:I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Cartman:It is?
Stan:Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
Barbra Streisand:Oooh, hahahah. Who is that?
Kyle:Oh, just this really really old lady who wishes she was still only 45. [The boys laugh and Barbra seethes]
Stan:Yeah, and you should have seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on. [The boys laugh again and Barbra gets angrier]
Cartman:Yeeh, stealth bombers [the boys laughs some more, then] Yeah, and talk about a bitch, I haven't seen-
Barbra Streisand:ENOUGH!! [the boys are suddenly horrified] Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - moneyy - for the triangle.
Cartman:Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass! [heads for the car]
Kyle:Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strnagers?
Cartman:No, not when money is involved, stupid! [The kids climb into her car and Barbra revs it up]
[Fanfare. Hollywood, at Direct to Video Studios]
Director:And. Action!
Sidney Poitier:[to Sally Struthers] Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass.
Director:Cut, great, print that. Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys, let's set up for the next shot. [Sidney heads for his dressing room, enters, and heads for the mirror]
Princesses:[a clam shell opens up, revealing them] Hello.
Sidney Poitier:Huh?
Princesses:You must hurry! A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar.
Sidney Poitier:Where?
Princesses:At a small piss-ant white-bread mountian town in Colorado called South Park.
Sidney Poitier:Excellent!
[Back at Barbra's condo]
Barbra Streisand:Eh. Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!
Cartman:[on a rack. The others hang from chains] Ugh. Llet me go! Seriously!
Stan:Yeah, let us go!
Barbra Streisand:You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle! [pulls the lever next to her]
Cartman:Eey! [the ropes start to tighten on the rack] It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!
Kyle:Hey! Don't try to pass it back on me, fatass!
Cartman:Eechh! Screw you, hippie! Eeeh-eh.
Barbra Streisand:Wheeere is the triangle of Zinthar?!
Cartman:I don't remember.
Kyle:Goddammit tell her! I wanna go home!
Barbra Streisand:[slowly] Maybe this will help jar your memory…
Cartman:No! Don't! [she starts singing again and the kids scream with pain] AAAAAA! AAAAADUH!
Barbra Streisand:NOOOW do you remember?!
Cartman:WAAAGH! Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!
Stan:Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take, dude.
Barbra Streisand:Alright. You asked for it!

I'm gonna tell you now… [the boys resume their screaming]

[Chef's Town and Country. Still looking…]
Chef:Eeeeh-I don't know, man. Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.
Leonard Maltin:Well, looks like we'll have to go to plan B.
Chef:There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a plan B.
Leonard Maltin:Have you ever heard of the band called, The Cure?
Chef:Ooh, come oonn! Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too!
Leonard Maltin:No, no. Just the lead singer. [starts convulsing] Oh! Ah!
Chef:Who-o-oa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?
Leonard Maltin:She's close! She's very close-I can feel her.
Chef:Where?
Leonard Maltin:Sh-She has the boys! Theh, they're in trouble!
Chef:Ooh, fudge!
Leonard Maltin:Keep going this way! Hurry! [they round a bend and disappear]
[The condo]
Barbra Streisand:Happiness with you is like happiness… [the kids are still screaming]
Cartman:Okay, okay. I'll tell where the triangle is. It's inside my shoe. [Milo approaches and removes his right shoe]
Kyle:Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?
Cartman:I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens!
Barbra Streisand:[receiving the triangle from Milo] Finally, the triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar! Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete [joins the triangles and the resulting diamon begins to spin and glow] Sugoi! Kono ima… atarashii hajimari da! Ima kara… atashi no na mae wa… (Wow! This is… a new beginning! From now on… my name will be…) [A strobe flash goes off when the diamond reaches the height of its brilliance, and the pedestal the diamonds were on shines very brightly thereafter]
Stan:Whoa, dude! [flashes of light continue to escape the diamond, and Barbra beings to transform]
Barbra Streisand:…Mecha… Barbura… Sutoraisando! [grows as she transforms, breaking through the roof, then lets out a roar and leaves her condo as a giant mechanical lizard]
Stan:Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
[South Park. Mecha Streisand arrives]
Jimbo:Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest Goddamned deer I have ever seen!
Reporter:…and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itelf, once again be- [Mecha Streisand appears behind him, holding a car, and lets out a roar as she devours it] Oh, Goddammit, not again! [she rips the roof off the new Sushi Bar]
Singer:Bar-bura, Bar-bura… [she crushes the sushi bar with her foot]
…kirai no hito. (you are so hateful) [She steps off the sushi bar. The Mayor is watching from her window across the street]
Bar-bura, Bar-bura… [Mecha Streisand throws the roof away, then rips the roof off the building next to it, grabs two people, but drops one of them]
…anata no hi. (today is your day) [The Mayor looks on, mortified. Her door opens]
Assistant:Mayor! Barbra Streisand is-
Mayor:I noticed! Call the National Guard! [he leaves. Mecha Streisand roars again] Ohohohoh, we'll get you, you bitch. [Mecha Streisand grabs the building and shakes the people out of it] And to think I actually watched your HBO special.
[The condo. Chef and Leonard Maltin arrive]
Chef:Children!
The boys:Chef!
Leonard Maltin:[sees the gaping hole in the ceiling] Oh no! No! She has joned the two triangles?
Cartman:Yes! She stole my triangle!
Stan:Get us down from here!
Chef:[trying to remove the chains from Stan's wrists] I can't - break these - locks!
Leonard Maltin:Stand back, Chef! [he does. Maltin does a few martial arts moves] Marutam Re! [his eyes send out strips of laser beams. He first frees Stan and Kyle, then Cartman and Kenny]
Kyle:Whoa, that was cool!
Leonard Maltin:I've got to go after Mecha Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number!
Stan:Robert Smith? Sweet!
[A studio. Robert Smith picks up the phone]
Robert Smith:Hello?
Chef:Uuuh, yes. Is this Robert Smith of the Cure?
Robert Smith:Yes i' is.
Chef:This may sound kind of strange, but… Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.
Robert Smith:Ooooooh so Barbra Streisand's found the other triangle, eh? [Chef is stunned]
[South Park. Looks pretty devastated. The National Guard is pulling in]
Sergeant:All right, men, give 'er everyting you've got! [Mecha Streisand roars down at them, and they fire rockets at her from all around, to no effect. Helicopters surround her and fire away. Jimbo and Ned are in one of them, with Ned piloting]
Jimbo:Get around th' side there, Ned. I can't get a shot in from here.
Ned:Okay. [circles round to her face] Aah! aah! I'm scaared! [Jimbo fires a shoulder rocket, but it just bounces off her shoulder. She rears back and swats Their helicopter out of the sky. The other helicopters scatter.]
Singer:Bar-bura, Bar-bura, ugoina chichi da. (Barbra, Barbra, those tits are wonderful)
Sergeant:[so his commander] It's no use! Our firepower has no effect!
Sheila Broflovski:Oh my God, it is you! Oh, I an such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person! [Mecha Streisand roars back] I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My sister would die. [Mecha Streisand roars assent and stoops to sign the autograph book] Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand! [Mecha Streisand roars in triumph and rounds a corner. Everybody runs]
Citizen:Oh my Goooodd! [amid screams]
Mr. Garrison:We're doomed! Good-bye, Mr. Hat.
Singer:Bar-bura, Bar-bura! [she stops before Leonard Maltin]
Leonard Maltin:Barbra! [she steps back surprised, then roars] Kitte, Kitte. Churipu. (Come, come. Tulip!)
Singer:Ultura Lenardu Marutin! [as Leonard Maltin transforms]
[Lenardu Marutin shows off some moves. Mecha Streisand respnds by kicking away the sushi bar. Chef and the boys arrive just after that. Lenardu Marutin grabs the building next to the bar and hits her with it, causing her to fall back]
Chef:Look out, children!
[Townspeople run by, then the boys scream and scatter. Jimbo's Guns lands where they were standing. Mecha Streisand kicks Lenardu Marutin in the groin and he lands on his back, but Chef and the boys have to scatter again before he does. Stan and Kyle regroup and look at the scene, but Kyle turns around for some reason. Kenny is seen running towards a tetherball. He hits it with his left hand. It swings around and swoops him up.]
Kenny:(Oh no! I have got to stay away fro-aaagh!) [he dies strangled by the tetherball] (Ugh!)
Stan:Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle:You bastard!
Sidney Poitier[flies in like Superman and lands next to Chef] What's going on here?
Chef:Sidney Poitier?
Sidney Poitier:That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.
Chef:Damn, man, it's nice to meet you! Seein' Sidney Poitier in my hometown!
Sidney Poitier:Barbra Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar?
Chef:Yeup! She's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.
Sidney Poitier:Kolooh kulatchki! [preparing to transform]
Singer:Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia, sokuroi da ne. (Megara Poatia Megara Poatia. Look, how black you are.) [Megara Poatia takes off and spins towards Mecha Streisand.]
Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia-
Chef:[annoyed] Is that really necessary?
[Mecha Streisand fends off Lenardu Marutin, then picks up Megara Poatia and twirls him around in an airplane move and throws him onto a mountain. He bounces over the top and away. The boys are shocked. Lenardu Marutin fixes his gaze on her, but she blocks it with her right hand. She then breathes a plasma blast at him, which lands hard and knocks him onto his back]
Chef:It's over. She's too strong for them, children. We'll have to leave town.
Cartman:Make it go away! I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her! [covers his eyes]
Stan:My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?
Chef:We have to say good-bye… to South Park.
Woman:Oh my Goooood, help meeee! [Mecha Streisand is tearing up the town, ripping apart some buildings, stomping on others…]
Robert Smith:Am I too late?
Chef:[irritated] Who are you?
Stan:Dude! Robert Smith of the Cure!
Cartman:Sweet!
Robert Smith:Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her.
Chef:You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.
Robert Smith:I have to try. I can't let Barbra Streisand do this to the entire world.
Singer:[As Robert Smith transforms into a giant moth]
Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu, tashiwa daisuki Rabartu Smitu. (Robert Smith, Robert Smith, I like you a lot, Robert Smith)
[Mecha Streisand heads for a gas station with a dinosaur for its symbol, but Rabartu Smitu comes up fast behind her. She notices. He shrieks at her, she covers her ears, and skyscrapers all around lose their windows. She responds with her own shrieks, and he covers his ears. More skyscrapers lose their windows.]
Leonard Maltin:[back to normal] We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.
Stan:[into the walkie] Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot Punch.
[Rabartu Smitu looks at him and acknowledges the command by lefting the right-hand index and pinky fingers. Mecha Streisand tears apart some power lines and prepares to electrocute him, but he launches his fist. It hits her square on the nose and a diamond falls out, which lands in fron of Kyle]
Kyle:The Diamond of Pantheos. [looks at Stan] She must be powerless now.
Stan:[into the walkie] Quickly, Robert Smith! She's powerless!
Singer:Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu! [Chef looks at him more annoyed than before]
[Rabartu Smitu maneuvers Mecha Streisand around and grabs her by the tail. After some airplane spins he launches her into outer space. An electrical overload occurs and she blows up into millions of pieces. The fireworks can be seen from the town and the townspeople cheer up and down]
Stan:He did it!
Kyle:No more Barbra Streisand, everrrrr!
Stan:Wow! Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus:Our Savior!
Robert Smith:[transforming back to normal] Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?
Cartman:No way! You gave it to us-it's mine now!
Robert Smith:Alright, I'll roshambo you for it. Ready?
Cartman:Huh? [gets a kick in the groin and falls. Robert Smith moves aside] Eh. Aaah-ah! Aaah!
[Robert Smith walks towards the sunset as Japanese music plays, apparently without the walkie-talkie]
Chef:Hey! Where's he goin'?
Stan:Good-bye, Robert Smith!
Cartman:Thanks for your help! Visit us again!
Kyle:Disintegration is the best album everrr!
[Kyle's house]
Stan:Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?
Kyle:We've got to get rid of them. [heads for a small trash can next to the coffee table] Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted! [tosses the triangles in]
Stan:Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me.
Cartman:[reaching over] No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me!
Kyle:Dammit Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?! [Stan turns left and walks to the door]
Cartman:Come on, Stan, it's mine! I'll roshambo you for it! [Ike, seeing what Kyle had thrown in, reaches the trash can and jumps in]
Stan:Go to hell, Cartman!
[in front of the house]
Kyle:Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan:Yeah. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle:But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always… end up dead.
Stan:Yeah.
Cartman:Yeah, and I've learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass! [The steps of a giant are heard and the kids grow fearful] Oh no! She's back!
Stan:Oh my God! Look! [The camera reveals a giant Ike coming out from behind the house]
All three:AAAAA! MEGA IKE!
[End of Mecha Streisand]