The Guest Stars of
"The Snuke"
by Wild Willie Westwood
Bahir Hakeem and his parents
Bahir is the new Muslim student in South Park. Cartman has an instinctive aversion to him and frames him for being a terrorist to the CIA and the President. Other government agencies - the FBI, the ATF, the EOD - get involved in searching for the terrorist. Bahir's parents are interrogated to find out Bahir's location. Cartman farts on their faces until Mrs. Bahir's cell phone rings and she finds out Bahir is at Butters' house. Cartman goes to Butters' house, finds Bahir there, and demands to know where the detonator is, but Bahir runs away. Terrorists drive by in a van and capture Cartman and Bahir, holding them hostage in a warehouse. The CIA finds the warehouse and the terrorists, kill the terrorists and release Cartman and Bahir. Bahir's parents are also released and the Hakeems leave town - and the U.S. - immediately.
CIA Head Alan Thompson, CIA Vice Head, Agent Frank Waters, Two CIA Agents
Two More CIA Agents, Second Vice Head and Female Agent, CIA Agent Chase
CIA Head Alan Thompson gets the call from Cartman and gets the ball rolling on finding the terrorist and his detonator. His vice head runs some of the operation from Kyle's room and leads the charge into the warehouse when they find the terrorists' hideout. Frank Waters tells Brian that the bomb in Hillary's snizz is a snuke. A second vice head takes over in Kyle's room for a while and tells Mr. Thompson that the terrorists have been located. During that time, he tells Agent Chase to find anything on Vladimir on JDate, but Chase comes back with info from eHarmony. The female agent confirms Stan and Kyle's statement that Russian terrorists are responsible for the terrorist threat. Tow of the remaining agents witness Cartman's interrogation of the Hakeems, while the other two are part of the operation in Kyle's room.
FBI Leader, ATF Leader, Secret Service Leader, SS Agent Nelson
EOD Leader, a police officer
The FBI takes over the operation on orders from the Secretary of Defense, the ATF takes over on orders from the CIA, the Secret Service takes over on orders from the President, but Nelson abdicates the job. The CIA takes over again - until Kyle dismisses him and takes over. The EOD leader is in charge of defusing the snuke, but he doesn't want to send any of his men in there. Later on, he tells Brian to get his head out of there, but it's too late - whatever is in the vagina with the bomb ate Brian's head. A police officer comes out of the Hakeem house and says no detonators were found there.
Hillary Clinton, Brian Jeffries, Otis Green, Chris, Female Aide
Pig Wrangler, HilDog Fans
Hillary is in town for her Presidential campaign. and her aides make sure everything goes smoothly. Brian is her head aide, with Otis, Chris, and a woman being the other three aides in her car. Otis makes sure the bomb-sniffing pig is doing its job while its wrangler guides it through the crowd. The pig finds the bomb and races up to Hillary to sniff it out. Chris is the mole in the Clinton campaign, keeping his terrorist friends updated on the status of the bomb. He tells them that the bomb has been found, and they tell him they're going to blow Hillary up in South Park instead of Boston. The female aide just tells the other aides that the bomb is not under the stage. Hillary is called Hildog here, so she has fans everywhere calling themselves Hildogs.
Vladimir Stolfsky and Terrorists
Vladimir and his terrorists have managed to install a snuke in Hillary Clinton's snatch, unknown to her somehow. They do this so they can blow her up in Boston, site of the Boston Tea Party, so that the U.S. would enter a state of chaos and the British could come in and reclaim the U.S. for itself. They take Cartman and Bahir hostage when they learn Cartman knows what's going on.
Queen Elizabeth II and her Red Coats
It turns out that the British want to get the U.S. back as a colony, so the Queen uses the Red Coat navy to try to defeat the U.S. and deny it its Independence. The navy fails once USAF jets fly in and bomb the ships to bits, and the Queen commits suicide.