The Guest Stars of
"The China Probrem"
by Wild Willie Westwood
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Rape
Indiana Jones, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas
Pack County DA, Deputy 1, Deputy 2, Imperial Stormtrooper
Cartman, haunted by the Opening Ceremonies of the Summer Olympics in China, dreams that the Chinses are going to invade the United States. Next day he tries to get the boys to take action against that, but Kyle just can't do it. Something is preventing him from debunking Cartman. That something is what he and his friends saw in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Indiana Jones getting raped by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. They run out of the theater practically out of their minds. After Stan talks to Jimmy at Stark's Pond, he wanders through town until the memory of the rape scene comes to him: Spielberg and Lucas are raping Jones is his own movie. When the memory leaves, Stan breaks down sobbing in the middle of the street. Later, the boys talk to the DA about bringing Spielberg and Lucas up on rape charges, but the DA says they don't have a case, then he chases them out of the office. As the boys go downstairs, the DA remembers the rape scene as taking place in a video arcade bar, on top of a pinball machine. The memory ends and the DA screams to the boys that he will help them. They approach Det. Yates about going after Spielberg and Lucas, but Yates says he didn't see the movie, and he doesn't think anyone else did either. He asks around and Mitch is moping by the window. He asks Mitch what he knows, and Mitch remembers: the rape scene took place in some foggy woods with Spielberg and Lucas dressed as hillbillies. The memory ends and Mitch is sobbing. Sheriff's deputies are sent to the mansion belonging to Spielberg and Lucas to arrest them. When there's no ansewr to the doorbell, Deputy 1 kicks the door in and the deputies roam the house until they end up in the library. Their jaws drop at what they see: Lucas raping a stormtrooper as Spielberg pulls up his pants. Deputy 2 simply exclaims "My God."
Dinner at P.F. Chang's
Chinese Family, Greeter, Waiter
Guest, Chinese Officer, SWAT Officer
Cartman and Butters dress as Chinese peasants to get any information they can about a possible Chinese invasion. They go to P.F. Chang's and find a Chinese family eating there. They talk to the family, but the father calls the greeter over and asks her to escort the peasants out, as the peasants are clearly not Chinese and won't leave the family alone. She's about to do that when Cartman decides to reveal his intent: he's leading the American Liberation Front and he's holding the restaurant hostage until he talks to the President. One of the guests decides to leave, thinking Cartman isn't serious, but Cartman has Butters shoot the guest. The guest's penis is shot and blood splatters all over his pants. The police arrive and Cartman goes outside to say that he's one of the good guys, but notices that one of them is Chinese. He runs back inside wondering how high the Chinese have infiltrated law inforcement. He has Butters go to a window and fires a warning shot, but the bullet strikes the Chinese officer in the penis. Later, Cartman is away from Butters talking to the President when another shot goes off. Cartman runs back to Butters to see what happened. A SWAT officer has his hands over his bleeding penis. Once the cops have the restaurant secure, everyone learns that Spielberg and Lucas have been arrested for the rape of Indiana Jones. A waiter joins the crowd in sobbing and expressing relief over the news.
Law Enforcement
Captain, Officer, Officer 1, Officers 2 and 3
The captain arrives with his officers to talk to Cartman, but when he realizes Cartman is just a kid, he has the officers move in, but the Chinese officer is shot and they fall back. The officer next to him at that time wonders why Cartman wants to talk to the President. Later on, an officer runs up to the captain and tells him Spielberg and Lucas have finally been arrested. They hug each other and cry. Officers 2 and 3 also hug each other and cry upon hearing the news. Everyone is glad the nightmare is over.