The Guest Stars of
"Sexual Healing"
by Wild Willie Westwood
The Sex Addicts
From back to front:
Billy Bob Thornton, Kobe Bryant
(Former NY Governor) Eliot Spitzer, Charlie Sheen, Michael Jordan, Ben Rothlisberger
Bill Clinton, David Duchovny, Michael Douglas, David Letterman
Therapist, Tiger, Elin
Kyle and Butters replace Kobe when they're introduced. Kobe appears again later in the scene. Tiger is also in class, but either Duchovny or Spitzer is blocking the view. The names in gray are the characters that don't have any lines in the episode, except maybe for greeting Kyle and Butters.
The therapist goes over the dangerous behaviors sex addicts exhibit with the class and welcomes Kyle and "Bummers" to the class. Unfortunately, the therapist ends up explaining that the sex addicts should avoid getting caught if they want those sexual addictions to stop ruining their lives. Kyle retorts that that's the wrong lesson to teach, and the therapist reports Kyle to his superior as a "turd in the punch bowl."
Tiger and Elin are featured in a golf game that incorporates the actual news reports from Fall 2009 about Tiger's car crash and Elin's role in it.
The CDC
Chairman, Expert 1, Expert 2 ,Expert 3
Expert 4, Expert 5, Expert 6, Expert 7
Expert 8, Expert 9 (Dr. Tonton), Expert 10, Expert 11
The CDC investigates the rising level of sexual addiction and determines how deep it has penetrated school systems.around the country. The CDC concludes that sexual addiction starts at 4th grade with a few kids - 5% - and rises to 91% by 12th grade. Expert 9 goes to South Park Elementary to talk to the 4th graders. The wrong answer lands Kyle, Butters, and Kenny in a small office with the expert, who sends them to sex addiction therapy. Kenny dies before the first meeting arrives. Expert 4 shows the chairman the results of the research he's been doing on money's effect on male chimpanzees. The chimpanzee being studied is showerd with lots of $100 bills and starts mating with every female in the enclosure with him, even new mothers, until his mate comes out with a rolling him and beats him down with it. The other chimps laugh at him and throw feces at him. Later on, he apologizes for his behavior at his own press conference. Expert 6 wonders about the losing influence of love, and later on urges the boys to shoot the wizard alien.
Law Enforcement
Secret Service Agent, SWAT Officer 1, SWAT Officer 2 (wizard alien)
SWAT Officer 4, SWAT Officer 5
SWAT Officer 3 is not shown, since you only heard his voice. Officer 1 announces that the entrance to Independence Hall is clear. Officer 2 announces that the right side is clear, but then goes on to suggest that any one of them would do what Tiger did if given the opportunities and temptations Tiger had. For this, he was reported as a turd in the punch bowl by the President and by the Secret Service agent, apprehended, tied up, and dressed to look like a wizard alien. Officer 4 has a bad feeling about the wizard alien. Officer 5 tells the boys to reload.
Priest, Reporter 1, Reporter 2, News 4 Reporter
Father Maxi apparently has some help now. The priest is new, presiding over Kenny's funeral, he recites from a poem, but gets interrupted by Butters, who notices a bush and remaks about its resemblance to the one he saw earlier in class. Two reporters ask questions during the CDC press conference. The News 4 reporter covers the raid on Independence Hall to root out he wizard alien, then after Obama's speech appears again in Washington D.C. to talk to the boys who helped capture the "alien," Kyle and Butters.