Stephen and Linda Stotch
Man 1 and Woman 1
Older Man and Wife Patty
Residents of the Hyatt Residences
The King, Elvis Presley
Man and Woman (voiceovers on cruise ship)
|[South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, day. The kids are seated for lunch. At the center table are Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Clyde andn Craig. Cartman runs in from the hallway]|
|Cartman:||You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!|
|Kyle:||Butters? [he and Stan puzzled] Why?|
|Cartman:||It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shots, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!|
|Stan:||You're talking about Butters.|
|Cartman:||Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom! [the other boys get concerned and leave their tables to go to the restroom]|
|[The restroom around the corner from the cafeteria. Stan bangs on the door]|
|Butters:||Leave me alone!|
|Stan:||Butters, come out here.|
|Butters:||Get our of here, all of ya! [Stan turns to the other boys and shrugs]|
|Kyle:||Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just-|
|Butters:||[runs out of the restroom up to him and jabs a finger in his face] You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image! [runs back insde the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up [moves over to Jimmy] and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid who has any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in. The other boys are stunned silent]
||Cartman:||Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You goys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny flashes an angry look]
||Butters:||[runs out of the restroom again] And that's another thing!! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word!! Well you're not gettin' the last word this time!! [runs back into the boys room and locks himself in]
||Butters:||[Opens the door and peeks out] Double wow! [closes the door and locks it]
||[The principal's office, Day. Principal Victoria is talking to Butters and his parents.]
||Principal Victoria:||I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
||Stephen:||Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
||Butters:||[in a gruff voice] I don't know, Dad, ah I was pissed off, I guess!
||Linda:||Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?!
||Butters:||I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
||Stephen:||Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?!
||Butters:||Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud! [a momentn of silence follows]
||Linda:||[looks at Stephen] Stephen, are you thnking what I'm thinking?
||Stephen:||Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.
||Principal Victoria:||Eh-excuse me?
||Stephen:||Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
||Stephen:||It has to do with... biology. [turns right and walks off a bit] You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids.
||Stephen:||You probably think Butters seems somehow... different.
||Butters:||[normal voice] Hey yeah, all the time.
||Stephen:||It's because he is. [turns around and faces Principal Victoria] His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place.
||Principal Victoria:||Ah I'm sorry, I really don't understand.
||Stephen:||Please, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's alright with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing.
||[The Stotch hosue, day. Stephen and Linda argue as Butters sits on the couch]
||Linda:||I don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young!
||Stephen:||It's our peole's way, Linda, you know that better than I do!
||Linda:||Then we can go with him.
||Stephen:||You know that's not allowed!
||Butters:||Will somebody tell me what the friggity fookshmere is goin' on?!
||Stephen:||Butters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremoney of apanoa.
||Butters:||Uhbu-but I'm from here.
||Stephen:||No. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters. [walks to a bookshelf and grabs a scrapbook] A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i.
||Butters:||We're frmo Hawaii?
||Stephen:||[sits on the sofa next to Butters. Linda sits to his left] Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive. [opens the book and points some pictures out to him] We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the Fern Grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King. [flips backwards a few pages and shows him a picture of Elvis Presley playing a ukulele with a picture of Diamndhead in the background.]
||Butters:||But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?
||Stephen:||Not an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called "hapa hue apa loa," and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone. [Linda stands up and starts crying. Stephen stands up and takes out his wallet] Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you. [which he does. Linda weeps silently. Butters is speechless]
||[The neighborhood park, day. The boys from the table are playing basketball, and Jimmy joins in. Kenny tosses the basketball at Kyle, who makes a shot, and Cartman runs up to them from the sidewalk. Stan catches the ball]
||Cartman:||Holy shitballs! Holy shitballs! Guess what, you guys? Holy shitballs. [the other boys gather around him]
||Cartman:||Butters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii.
||Cartman:||He said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut.
||Kyle:||Dude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him.
||Stan:||[turnsn to the basket] After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead. [makes a shot at close range]
||Kyle:||Kenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him.
||Kenny:||(I'm not his best friend.)
||Cartman:||Yeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more. [Kenny sighs and walks away with his head down.]
||[The airport, day. Kenny arrives and walks into the Alpha Air terminal. He sees Butters seated on a seat in an empty row, with two suitcases at his feet. He's sobbing. Kenny walks over]
||Kenny:||O(Butters, come on.)
||Kenny:||They won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right! [Kenny takes one suitcase and Butters' right hand, Butters takes the other suitcase, and they walk-]
||Butters:||[stops and pulls his hand away] No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this! [Kenny sighs, then takes Butters to the teller]
||Kenny:||(Excuse me, he needs to get to Hawaii.)
||Teller:||I already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated.
||Butters:||I'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just deligerent because of my hapa noa na slua!
||Kenny:||(Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?)
||Teller:||Tell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let himm go.
||Butters:||Can't you see I'm in horribla pain?! Do you have any idea what-?!
||Kenny:||[shuts hiim up with a hand over the mouth] (Okay, okau! I'll go.) [next scene is the plane flying towards Hawaii]
||[Lihu'e Airport, Kaua'i, Runway B-5. The plane lands and Butters and Kenny enter the terminal. Butters has picked up his bags]
||Butters:||[slowly, as he looks around] Well, we're here, now what do I do? [Kenny points to the information officer nearby, and they walk to him]
||Officer:||Can I help you wit anything?
||Butters:||Uh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go?
||Officer:||Okay, were you wit a cruise ship or land tour group?
||Butters:||Oh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian. [the officer just looks at him. A group of Americans approaches him]
||Blond Man:||Butters Stotch?
||Blond Man:||Welcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony. [notices Kenny] Ah- uh, who's this?
||Butters:||Oh thi-this is my friend, Kenny.
||Older Woman:||Butters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their cereminies.
||Butters:||Oh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come.
||Blond Man:||Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now. [all leave]
||[En route to the chief, day. They go down the road, all packed into an SUV.]
||Butters:||You folks are all native Hawaiians too?
||Older Man:||[driving] Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu.
||Donna:||Yes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid.
||Blond Man:||[leans to the right, behind the older man] Let us eat.
||Older Man:||Oh yea, let us eat. [they stop at Kuwahara Saimin's drive-through] Aloha, five order of saimin, please.
||Patty:||It's one of the foods of our people.
||Older Man:||Oh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card. [the cashier notes the card and takes the cash, the older man takes the food, and they're off.] Mahalo. [they soon find themselves behind a slow car with the passenger takng pictures of the scenery. The older man honks.] Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card! [stops and points out a building] These are the anacient ruins of our ancestors. [It's the Coco Palms, long abandoned.] They say the spirit of the king is still in there.
||Blond Man:||you must stay away from this place. It ia kapu.
||Brunet Man:||Kapu. that means "taboo," [points to Kenny] especially to haoles! [they drive off]
||Older Man:||Uh that there is Bubba's Burgers. [shown] In Havai'i us natives say "Bubba's Bruh." [they pass by a big hotel] Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences. [a gated community. He flashes his Mahalo Rewards card to the guard] It's alright, we're natives. [the guard opens the gate and lets them in. They arrive at the chief's residence and step out to talk to him] Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch.
||Chief:||Ah, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole?
||[Kenny's room at the Residences, night. He sits by the open window with a lit candle, a pencil and a sheet of paper. He begins to write.]
||Kenny:||My dearest friends.|
|[As he writes, the following scenes are shown: First, the Safeway supermarket. The people greet each other with a fist, with pinky and thumb extended. Next, three kids are playing in a pool while Donna enjoys her chi-chi and the older couple sit on chaise longues in the background. Next, Kenny is at the bar order a chi-chi. Next, Butters learns how to play bocce ball. Next, Stan reads the letter to Cartman and Kyle]
||Stan:||[readiing the letter] "On the morrow"? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?
||Kenny:||To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home.
Humbly yours, Kenneth.
|[A luau, day. All the natives are in line for lunch before the ceremony begins. Butters stands on a platform before the chief while Kenny watches on]
||Chief:||In the time-honored traditiions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa. [everyone cheers and a woman slips a necklace onto his neck] The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island. [a horn blower comes in with a conch shell and blows into it... badly] Now drunk the chi-chi! [Patty walks over with a glass of it and gives it to Butters, who begins to drink it through a straw.]
||Butters:||[turns right and coughs, then] Whoa, it's like gasoline!
||Chief:||Drink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away.
||Butters:||[finishes the rest of the drink, then stumbles just a little bit and smiles] Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better.
||Chief:||O spirits of sncestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you-
||Blond Man:||[runs in] Listen! [climbs onto a table] Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news!
||Chief:||Do yourealize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?
||Blond Man:||I've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is... [chokes]
||Chief:||What?? What has happened? Speak!
||Blond Man:||The Mahalo Rewards card is beiing eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted.
||Chief:||[rises from his chair and walks to his left] I knew one day it would come to this.
||Patty:||To what? What does this mean??
||Chief:||The haoles are trying to do away with us.
||Resident 1:||With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and whi isn't!
||Resident 2:||Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?!
||Chief:||I'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island! [this draws cheers from everyone]
||[A seaside golf course, day. A cruise ship is some distance from the shore when it blows its horn. A group of natives stand by their golf balls]
||Chief:||[yelling at the ship] Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE! [the natives fire away into the ocean. Some of the golf balls land in the water, some of them reach the ship]
||First Mate:||What are they doing? [the passengers are being pelted with golf balls.[
||Chief:||[walks over to Butters and gives him a club] Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome!
||Butters:||I've never done this before. [gets into position]
||Chief:||It's alright. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you.
||Butters:||My anger... my anger! Stupid [swings successfully] Ben Affleck! [the golf ball sails through the air and enters the bridge, smashing through the window and the captain's binoculars. The first mate shrieks] Waaah! [thte captain stumbles onto a controller and breaks it with sheer momentum. The ship begins to pitch back and sink. Passengers begin to tumble towards the water. Butters is dumbfounded. The ship breaks in two]
||Man:||Hold on! [the golf club just falls out of Butters' left hand] Hold on!
||Woman:||Oh I can't! I can't! I can't I can't!
||Man:||I love you! I love you!
||Woman:||Augh! I love you! I love you too! [the ship vanishes beow the water]
||Announcer:||This is breaking news!
||Anchor:||An insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go bersek, forcing all tourists off their island.
||Man 1:||They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore!
||Woman 1:||Then a little boy called me a skank.
||Anchor:||[a picture of Barack Obama appears over his shoulder] The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sumpathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself. [thinks about it for a second] Hm.
||Chief:||Are all the tourists gone from our island?
||Resident 3:||All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.
||Resident 4:||[the brunet man] What about him?
||Kenny:||(What about me?)
||Resident 4:||He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him!
||Butters:||[jumps in front of Kenny to shield him] No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks!
||Chief:||Be careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now.
||Resident 4:||Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide!
||Resident 5:||He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists.
||Butters:||He won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?!
||Kenny:||(No, I won't fucking betray anybody!)
||Resident 6:||Then let him prove himself! Trial by opaeka'a!
||Chief David:||He's only a child!
||Resident 4:||If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge!
||Chief David:||Very well. [the horn blower, Resident 5, returns to blow the conch shell]
||[On the bank of a river flowing by the Residences, day. David and Butters are there with the rest of the residents in the background, and Kenny is...]
||Blond Man:||This isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed!
||Butters:||Kenny, be careful!
||Chief David:||Quiet. He must face this challenge alone. [Kenny is on a paddle board on the river using a small pabble to get somewhere]
||Resident 1:||By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a ntive after all!
||Resident 4:||He still has yet to make the turn! [Kenny reaches a bouy in the middle of the river and paddles around it, then makes his way back to the riverbank.]
||Resident 7:||[a little tipsy from his drink] That's pretty good. [Kenny slows down, then loses his balance and falls into the river]
||Residents:||Awwwww. [a second later they all turn away and leave. Butters stays at the riverbank.]
||Resident 4:||[to Bill] I told you a haole couldn't do it!
||Chief David:||Did you make the turn your first try? Did any of us? [behind them, Kenny pops up and floats down the river]
||Resident 8:||[a woman, walks up to Butters] Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him. [extends her left hand and guides him away]
||[Kenny looks downriver and sees a waterfall. He panics and quickly dog paddles away from it, but the current overwhelms him and he goes over. He bumps into several rocks, each bigger than the last, on his way down, head first]
||[Smith's Tropical Paradise, day. David has assembled the residents into this building and now talks to them]
||Chief David:||We have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one!
||Resident 9:||We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives!
||Vacationer:||Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago!
||Chief David:||Look, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives a say!
||Canyoner:||It doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!
||Chief David:||Oh no? Come up here,keiki. Come on. [Butters gets on stage with David] This child sunk a cruise hip by himself! Tell them keiki. [hands the mic to Butters]
||Butters:||Well I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to roin everything!
||Butters:||Well if you ask me, the only good haole's a dead haole! With a, with a, stick, right up his butthole and uh, and his wiener cut off! Aaagh! [everyone roars their approval]
||Chief David:||Let us make a pact with more chi-chis!
||Resident 10:||[goes to serve himself some more chi-chi from the barrels, but finds there isn't any] Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis.
||Resident 11:||Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports.
||Resident 12:||But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis.
||Chief David:||...Oh my God.
||[Donwriver, day. Kenny crawls onto the riverbank, coughs, and looks up. He's across the road from Coco Palms. He stands up and walks towards it. He looks around and heads in, but first waits for a bunch of bats to fly out of the cavernous entrance. Meanwhile, offshore, the U.S. Coast Guard shows up in force to deal with the natives]
||Captain:||This is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary!
||Chief David:||[heading up a large group of natives] Ready? Fire! [the natives fire off their golf balls, but none of them have any effect on the Coast Guard]
||Captain:||[lowers his binoculars, then flatly] Fire. [the ships' guns fire away and decimate many of the natives]
||Chief David:||Arm the bocce balls! [some surviving natives arm bocce balls into sling shots stretched between palm trees. One of them lands on the main ship with a heavy thud]
||Chief David:||Keep fighting! Stand your ground!
||Resident 4:||We can't fight without chi-chis!
||Chief David:||You can and you MUST!
||Butters:||[has six golf balls in front of him and hits each one towards the Coast Guard] Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All!
||[Kenny walks through the Coco Palms, which is dark and spooky. A voice is soon heard, and Kenny stops in his tracks. He turns and runs away, but steps onto a patch covering a hole on the floor and falls in. He recovers and looks up to see the shining ghost of Elvis Presley. He beckons Kenny to follow him.]
||The King:||[mumbles, then] Thank you very much. Come on, come on. [mumbles a few more things as they walk towards a door.] Thank you very much [stops and pulls a lever, and a wall rises to reveal loads of Absolut vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur, all the ingredients needed for chi-chis. Elvis walks up to the doorway and motions to Kenny] You have some chi-chis for me.
||[The Residences, day, on the ceremonial plaza, Chief David admits defeat]
||Chief David:||Listen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nawiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government.
||Butters:||[runs onto the plaza] Surrender?! No, the heck with that!
||Resident 4:||We can't hold out here any longer!
||Butters:||Well I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes!
||Chief David:||Young keiki, try to control your anger.
||Butters:||No! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacreing Daverdevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone loves! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez AND be a good director! [turns around and walks away] Alright alright fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it helds up goddarnit! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH!
||Bill:||Everyone! Look, I say! [everyone comes to see, and it's Kenny coming back with a raft full of Absolut vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur. Everyone cheers him on]
||Resident 13:||The haole did it!
||Kenny:||My dear friends of the mainland, what adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors.
||Chief David:||We are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [everyone cheers]
||Captain:||You people just don't give yo, do ya?
||Kenny:||The American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace.
||[Everyone cheers, even the Coast Guard captain]
||Kenny:||With the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again.
||[The hapa noa ceremony, day. Butters will finally become a full-fledged member of his tribe]
||Chief David:||And so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys. [two woomen come up and give them their cards] Apuiloa hapa noa loaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa! [Resident 5 returns to blow the conch shell a third time.] It's fninally over, young keiki. Is your anger at reat?
||Butters:||[thinks a moment] Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez.
||Resident 14:||Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Garner.
||Residents:||Yeah, it's true, uh huh.
||Butters:||What?? Really?? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Gardner? Oh my God, I feel so much better. [smiles with relief]
||Butters:||Yeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology. [he and Kenny walk off into the sunset] Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!
||[End of Going Native.]