The Secrets of
"Summer Sucks"

by Wild Willie Westwood, with sources from all over the Web


In the March 28-April 3 issue of TV GUIDE, there were 25 shocking secrets you needed to know about South Park. The 14th secret was
14. IT WILL ALWAYS BE WINTER IN SOUTH PARK

The kids don't take off their parkas, and
the snow never melts. "When we started
doing the show, we could never figure
out how to animate the kids walking,"
says Stone. "We figured if we kept snow
up to their knees, you'll never have to see
them walking."

Well, so much for winter always.

When the class goes to practice with the conductor, the first shot is a wide shot, and you see Cartman in place between Bebe and Stan, even though he's in another part of town taking swimming lessons. In the next scene at practice, the shot is close, and Cartman's chair is empty.

The kid who thawed out from the snow is the third person named Kevin in the series. Earlier, the missing person poster in the classroom has Jon as the one missing, though it was the same person: Kevin Jon? The first Kevin is Mephesto's little friend, the monkey boy. The second is the Chinese-American classmate.

You see, my parents are dead - For those of you who don't remember, this is Pip's family:
Remember this?
I suppose he and his sister will live with their uncle soon.

Oh, man. Things are worse than I thought. Barbrady is married, but he's giving the mayor some satisfaction. And the Mayor does enjoy something about Barbrady.

The little man in the boat - The clitoris in the labia majora and minora. If you must ask what that means, go ask your parents!

Uncle Remus - The main character in Uncle Remus Initiates The Little Boy, one of the Legends of the Old Plantation, the source for Song Of The South. He is the former African-American slave who tells the stories to his former master's grandson, stories about Bre'r Rabbit and Bre'r Fox.

The man in carney hat and wand, the vaudevillian, is Abe Vigoda. Reports of his death over the past few years were greatly exaggerated. Conan O'Brien showed that Abe is still allive and well, last time I checked.

Mr. Hat has left the show.

What does he mean, living in denial? - trying to pretend it's still winter when it isn't. Living in denial is living in a state of denying that something has ended. Cartman is wiser than he lets on, though he's not very intelligent.

There's an alien in the pool.

Cohetes - rockets, fireworks. The h is silent. The question arises, though: why didn't Jimbo and Ned just go to Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Idaho, Nebraska, Arkansas, or Monatana, or go north to Canada for their rockets?

No moleste el gato spectacularrr - Ned should not have been able to roll his R's the way he does, since the air stream does not make it to his mouth. But then, nor should his voice be so clearly heard in any of the episodes.

Menudo - The '80's Puerto Rican rock group, but also tripe soup.

PELIGRO on the box - Danger

It's our job to get these to children all over America for the 4th of July. We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning. - This is verbose for Christmas in July.

Esquella No. 13 - School No. 13. Except Esquella should be Escuela. Odd that a school should be right next to a fireworks shop.

Mr. Garrison's house and front lawn are still covered in snow.

Shari Lewis passed away on August 2, 1998 at the age of 65 due to pneumonia, a complication of chemotherapy she was receiving to treat uterine cancer. She found out she had cancer in June of that year.

I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us. Well alrighty then, looks like we're ready. - in this statement, the sun goes down quickly, just as it rises quickly in Truman (cue the sun). And Jim Carrey, star of Truman, is famous for coining "well alrighty then" in the Ace Ventura films.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny play violins, Cartman plays the French horn, Bebe and the red-head play kettle drums, Clyde, Jordan, and the black kid have flutes. Kevin, Bill, and Fosse play trumpets. And Wendy?

The orchestra reassembles to play when the kids see Stan, then Kyle, take up their instruments. The song they play? Nearer My God to Thee. Shades of Titanic.

The psychiatrist is Jonathan Katz, Professional Therapist! Complete with Squigglevision (the effect of hot air on the appearance of objects from a distance)! Unless I'm mistaken, this is South Park's first promo for another program on the same network.

Oxymoron: Gaybashing Homo.

Ned was once married.

Quick, Ned. This is our chance! The Hummer is outside! - and the bottle rockets must be nearby and, thanks to the snake, accessible as well, since the duo come back with the rockets to South Park.

Well, here they are again!
Pip's family once again

Firework Snake Durations.

According to Charlie, a snake lasts three minutes, and his giant snake is 5000 times as big. Given Creamy Goodness' numbers (over a half-mile wide and 20 stories high - a story usually equals 10 feet), the dimensions of a regular snake are 63/8 inches in diameter and ½ inch high. Still, at normal speed, a giant snake would run out in 15000 minutes, or 10 days, 10 hours. For a snake to last 16 months, the rate of consumption is one regular snake every 140 minutes (2 hours, 20 minutes) - if the ash produced doesn't smother the snake first - or the dimensions must be 1.8 miles wide by 72 stories high. Since the rate of consumption increases with size, the snake must be even bigger.