Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

From the CD. For this one, spoken words are in italics.

Table Of Contents

1. Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo
2. Merry Fucking Christmas
3. O Holy Night
4. Dead, Dead, Dead
5. Carol of the Bells
6. The Lonely Jew On Christmas
7. I Saw Three Ships
8. It Happened In Sun Valley
9. O Tannenbaum 		10. Christmas Time In Hell
11. What The Hell Child Is This?
12. Santa Claus Is On His Way
13. Swiss Colony Beef Log
14. Hark, The Herald Angels Sing
15. Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel
16. The Most Offensive Song Ever
17. We Three Kings
18. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo
(Early '50's Recording)
Performed By Cowboy Timmy

[Intro]
Cowboy Timmy: We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose,
And we all know Frosty, who's made out of snow.
But all of those stories seem kind of… gay
'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday.

[Chorus 1]

Cowboy Timmy and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Cowboy Timmy: Small and brown, he comes from you.
Cowboy Timmy and Kids: Sit on the toilet; here he comes!
Cowboy Timmy: Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns.
A present from down below,
Spreading joy with a
Cowboy Timmy and Kids:Howdy Ho!
Cowboy Timmy: He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause
Cowboy Timmy and Kids:He's a piece of poo!

[Verse 1]

Cowboy Timmy: Sometimes he's notty, sometimes he's corny.
He can be brown or greenish brown.
Kids:Mmm-hmm.
Cowboy Timmy: But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
He might come to your town.

[Chorus 2]

Cowboy Timmy and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Cowboy Timmy: He loves me, I love you.
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Boy: I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! [fart]

[Bridge]

Cartman:Well, Kyle, where is he?
Kyle:…Iihh, he's coming
Stan:Come on, dude, push!
Kyle:Eee-ugh, I'm trying!
Cartman:Uh wait wait, I can see his head.
Kyle:Eee-ugk, here he cooomes!

[Chorus 3]

Mr. Hankey: [pop] HOWDY HO!
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Season's greetings to all of you.
Let's sing songs and dance and play
Now, before I melt away
Here's a game I like to play:
Stick me in your mouth and try to say,
All:"Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."
Mr. Hankey:Christmas Time has come!

[Verse 2]

Girl 1:Sometimes he's runny.
Boy 1:Sometimes he's firm.
Girl 2:Sometimes he's practically water.
Man: Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass
And won't fall in the toilet
'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he won't drop out and so you …shake you ass around
And try to get it to drop into the toilet
And finally it does…

[Chorus 4]

Cowboy Timmy and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Cowboy Timmy: Christmas leaves; he most leave too.
Cowboy Timmy and Kids: Flush him down, but he's [slowing] never gone!
[nornal] His smell and his spirit ling-er on!
Kids: Howdy Ho!

Merry Fucking Christmas
Perfomed by Mr. Garrison, the 3rd Grade Teacher

Verse 1: I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs
They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.
And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say,
Chorus 1: Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate.
Verse 2: There is no holiday season in India, I've heard.
They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd.
They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,
Chorus 2: Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus.
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate.
Verse 3: Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.
On Decemer 25th all they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,
Chorus 3: Hey there, Mr. Shintoist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do.
So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you.
Coda: On Christmas Day, I travel around the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you."
[someone claps]
Uh uh thank you, Mr. Hat.

O Holy Night
Perfomed by Eric Cartman

And
O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-bir-birth
O Holy Night, the- something something distant.
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.
Jesus was born, and so I get presents.
Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o)
Fall (Fall)
On your knees (On your knees)
And hear (Can't you hear)
The angels'… something (Voices)
O night (O night)
Divine (Divine)
The night
When I get presents (O-o)
O night (O o-night)
Divine!
O night (Ooo-ooo)
O night divine!
Oh. Ch.

Dead, Dead, Dead
Perfomed by Juan Schwartz and the South Park Children's Choir

Juan Schwartz: Dead, dead, dead. Someday you'll be dead.
Dead, dead, dead. Someday we'll all be dead.
(Verse 1): The minute we're born we start dying.
We die a little more every day.
Young or old, rich or poor,
There's nothing we can do to stop it.
So look long at that Christmas tree;
It may be the last one that you'll see.
Decorate your house in green and red,
'Cause someday you'll be dead
Juan Schwartz and Choir: Dead, dead, dead. Someday you'll be dead.
Dead, dead, dead. Someday we'll all be dead.
Juan Schwartz (Verse 2): It might happen in a couple months,
Or fifty years from now.
But no matter when it happens
It will seem too soon to you.
So be sure, on Christmas Eve,
When you snuggle into bed,
That you thank God for your family, 'cause
with Choir: Someday they'll be dead
Juan Schwartz and Choir: Dead, dead, dead. Someday they'll be dead.
Dead, dead, dead. Someday we'll all be dead.
Choir: Aaa-aaa.
Juan Schwartz (Verse 3): Who knows how many Christmases
Are left in their short life?
Nobody knows, that's my point.
Enjoy them while you can.
And so, on Christmas morning,
Let good tidings fill your head
What a festive season.
with Choir: Someday you'll be dead.
Juan Schwartz and Choir: Dead, dead, dead. Someday we'll be dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
Juan Schwartz: Everyone you know
Juan Schwartz and Choir: Dead.
Juan Schwartz: A very Merry Christmas to you!
Juan Schwartz and Choir: Dead, dead, dead.
Choir: Marry Christmas, everybody!

Carol of the Bells
Perfomed by Mr. Mackey, the School Counselor (all parts)

Center: Uh.
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."
Center: Christmas is here, bringing good cheer
To young and old, meek and the bold
Right: Ding Dong
Ding Dong
Center: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
With joyful ring, all caroling
Left: Ding Dong
Ding Dong
Right: Ding Dong
Ding M'kay
All: One seems to here words of good cheer
From everywhere filling the air
Center and Right: O, how they pound raising their sound
O, here and there telling their tale
Left: O, wail
Telling their tale (daily now)
All:: Daily they ring while people sing
Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.
Center 1: Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
Center 2: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
With joyful ring, all caroling
Right: Ding Dong
Ding Dong ding-
Left: Ding- Can you hear them?
Ding- Can you hear them?
Center: On, on they send, on without end,
Their joyful tone to every home
Right: Ding Dong
Di-ing m'kay.
Left: Ding Dong
Di-ing
Center: Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."
Right: Dong_____________
__________
Left: Dong_____________
____m'kay.
Center: On, on they send, on without end,
Their joyful tone to every home
Left: M'kay M'kay___________
Right: M'kay_________________
All:: Ding dong ding-dong, m'kay___
Center:M'kay.

The Lonely Jew On Christmas
Perfomed by Kyle Broflofski with Special Celebrity Guest
Taken and expanded from "Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo"

"Neil Diamond, paging Neil Diamond"

Kyle: It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew.
A lonely Jew
On Christmas
Channukah is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?
I'm a Jew.
A lonely Jew.
I can't be merry
'Cause I'm Hebrew
On Christmas.
Celebrity Guest: Hey, little boy, I couldn't help but hear
You're feeling left out of Christmas cheer
But I've come to say that you shouldn't be sad
This is the one month that you should be glad
'Cause it's nice to be a Jew on Christmas
You don't have to deal with the season at all
You don't have to be on your best behavior or give to charity
And you don't have to go to Grandma's house with your alcoholic family
Kyle: And I don't have to sit on some fake Santa's lap
And have him breathe his stinky breath on me
Celebrity Guest: That's right - you're a Jew.
Kyle:A stylin' Jew.
Kyle and Guest: It's a good time
To be Hebrew
On Christmas.
Celebrity Guest:On Christmas.

I Saw Three Ships
Performed by Shelley Marsh, Stan's Sister

Shelley: I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

And what was in those ships, all three?

[the boys begin to chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
And what- Shut up, turds! [silence]
-was in those ships all three
On Christmas Day, in the morning?

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there

[the boys burst our laughing]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TURDS! [silence]
-Christ were there
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Let us all rejoice, amain,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day

[the boys burst our laughing]
And let- I told you to shut up! [silence]
-us all rejoice, amain,
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Shelley is starting to get pissed

[the boys begin to chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
[the chuckle get louder]
Shelley got up and killed the turds
[the laughs roll out]
On Christmas Day, in the MORNING!
Stan:AAAA! [BLAM!]

It Happened In Sun Valley
Performed by Stan Marsh and Wendy Testaburger

From the Twentieth Century-Fox Picture "Sun Valley Serenade"
Lyric by Mack Gordon
Music by Harry Warren

© 1941 Twentieth Century Music Corporation
Rights controlled by Leo Feist, Inc.

Stan: Howdy, folks. Let's go for a ride.
Get your favorite one to sit by your side.
Cuddle up in the sleigh. Giddy up, Nelly Grey!
And away we go!
Wendy: While you listen to the sleigh bells ring,
You're yodeling to your ba-by.
You'll feel nice and warm
No matter how cold it may be.
Stan: Take a look at little Jack and Jill. They ski down the hill.
There's a snow plow. Turn and look: there's a spill.
There's a spill on the hill! When you're down, it's a thrill
To get up again!
Together: Everybody oughta learn to ski
'Cause that's how we first met.
Wendy: We were that Jack and Jill that came down the hill
Stan: When I looked at you, my heart took a spill
Wendy: Took a spill on the hill
Stan: That's a thrill
Together: That I can't forget!
It happened in Sun Valley
Not so very long ago.
Stan: There were sunbeams in the snow,
And a twinkle in your eye!
Wendy: I remember, oh, so clearly
That you nearly passed me by.
Together: Then it happened in Sun Valley,
When you slipped and fell, and so did I!
[Instrumental bridge]
Wendy:Catch me, Stan!
Stan:Breeyach!
Wendy: Eeww!
…Look, Stan. I made a snow angel.
Stan:Ooo-boogurah!
Wendy:EEWW!
Together: I remember, oh, so clearly
That you nearly passed me by.
Then it happened in Sun Valley,
When you tripped and fell, and so did I!
Stan: Now, every year we go back and then
Wendy: We recall that fall and that moment when
Stan: We were there on the hill
Together: So we both take a spill and we're Jack and Jill
…Again.
Wendy:M*wah!
Stan:Bureagh!
Wendy:Eewwww!

O Tannenbaum
Performed by Adolph Hitler

Adolph:
[weeping]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine [breaks up] Blätter.
[sobs]
Satan: Hey, Hitler. What's the matter, little guy?
Adolph: Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter.
Satan: Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
Adolph: …nur zur Sommerzeit,
nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.

Christmas Time In Hell
Performed by Satan, the Dark Prince

solo: Well, I tell you what:
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here!
Come on, everyone, gather 'round!
String up the lights and light up the tree.
We're gonna make some revelry!
Spirits are high, so I can tell,
It's Christmas Time in hell.
Demons are nicer as you pass them by.
There's lots of demon toys to buy.
The snow is falling, and all is well.
It's
with demons: Christmas Time in hell!
solo: There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham.
After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can.
And there goes John F. Kennedy caroling with his son.
with the Kennedy men:: Reunited for the holidays. God bless us, everyone!
with the damned: Everybody has a happy glow!
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.
solo: Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell
with choir: It's Christmas Time in hell!
solo: Adolph, here's a present for you-u!
Adolph: Oh? [opens the gift] Ein tannenbaum!
Satan: Yhehes, ein tannenbaum.
Females: Aaa-aaa!
Satan: God cast me down from heaven's door
To rule in hell forevermore.
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,
with choir: 'Cause it's Christmas Time in hell!
with males: Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
with females: We still have to shop for Genghis Khan
solo: Michael Landon's hair looks swell.
with choir: It's Christmas Time in hell!
solo: There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.
with choir: For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick.
All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick! So,
String up the lights and light up the tree.
We're damned for all eternity.
Bur for just one day all is well.
It's Christmas Time in hell!!!
solo: Gather close together and make it quick!
We gotta make room for Andy Dick.
with choir: [slowing] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's
Satan and males: [normal] Christmas Time…
Females: Christmas Time…
Males: Christmas Time…
Females: Christmas Time…
Satan and males: Christmas Time…
Females: Christmas Time…
Males: It's Christmas Time…
Females: Christmas Time…
All: It's Christ-mas Time In hell!!!!
Bailey: Merry Christmas, movie house!
Satan: Brrrrrrroom!

What The Hell Child Is This?
Performed by Chef

solo: Baby, you know there's a lot of love between us
Sometimes that love goes bad, and other times, it's so right!
Yeah, I know we've been through some rough waters,
But most of the time, our thing is off the hook
I just wanna know …one thing:

What child is this you've laid to rest
At my feet? This is not the time.
I know that I'm not responsible.
It's white, so it cannot be mine.

No,

with choir: This, this is Christ the King
solo: With a feeling of relief, I can now sing:
with choir:: Haste, haste to bring him laud!
The Babe, the Son of Mary!
solo::Mmm-mm-mm-hm.
Son of Mary
Choir:Son of Mary
Chef:Little bitty baby.
Choir:Hm-m-m, Hm-m-m, Hm-m-m, Hm-m-m, Mary!
Chef: So bring Him incense, gold, and myrrh.
Come peasant king to own Him.
The King of kings salvation brings.
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.
with choir:: Raise, raise the song on high,
solo: The Virgin sings her lullaby
with choir:: Joy, joy! For Christ is born
solo: The Babe, the Son of Mary!

Son of Mary

Choir:Son of Mary
Chef:Little bitty baby.
Choir:Little bitty baby, yeah.
Chef: I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log
I'm gonna, gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your night

You'll hear the herald angels sing
When I'm sliding off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and falala your la

Choir 1:Falala your la
Choir 2:Falala your la
Choir 3:Falala your…
Chef and choir: This, this is Christmas Day
Chef: A time for lovers to celebrate [O-o oooo]
I'm gonna ding-dong you
Chef and choir: Merrily on high
Chef: Because this is the season for giving.
Choir:Give it to me baby, give it to me baby
Chef:Season for givin'.
Choir:Season for givin'. Give me love.
Chef:Season for livin'.
Choir:Season for livin'. Give me love.
Chef:Season for givin'.
Choir:Season for givin'.
Chef:Givin' you love.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Givin' you good love!
Choir:Season for good love.
Chef:Whole lotta love.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Naked love.
Choir:Season for givin'.
Chef:By the fire.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Whole lotta love.
Choir:Season for good love.
Chef:By the fire.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Don't need no mistletoe.
Choir:Season for givin'.
Chef:You got toes. Heh heh heh.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Whole lotta lovin'.
Choir:Season for good love.
Chef:Make love.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Jingle Bells
Choir:Season for givin'.
Chef:…Love.
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Falala your la.
Choir:Season for good love. Give me love.
Chef:Giving…
Choir:Season for givin'.
Chef:Good good living
Choir:Give me love.
Chef:Living and loving
Choir:Season for good love.
Chef:Real love…
Choir:Give me love…

Santa Claus Is On His Way
Performed by Mr. Hankey
Taken from "Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo"

Mr. Hankey:Santa Claus is on his way
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
To drop them off on Christmas Day
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'
Kyle: Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
Mr. Hankey: Folks'll gather round the fire
sing a song, stroll the choir
Pretty song they'll all retire
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'
Gerald: [knocks] Kyle, what are you doing in there?
Kyle:Nothing.
Gerald:[knocks] Open this door!
Mr. Hankey: I hope that Santa comes real soon
I've been waiting for some we…
Kyle:Mr. Hankey, come here.
Gerald:[enters and sees] KYLE!

Swiss Colony Beef Log
Performed by Eric Cartman

The stockings are hung on the chimney
And the presents are under the tree.
And Mama's in the kitchen
Makin' some …herbal tea.

The windows are covered with frost.
And the candles are all alight.
But as I wander through this quiet house
Something just doesn't seem right.

You see, every year the neighbors bring us
A Swiss Colony beef log.
But the neighbors aren't around, [softly] around, around.
[normal] There's no beef log to be found this year

No beef log.

Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony beef log.
Without those cheeses and meats,
I don't think I can get along.

Mother tries to comfort me.
She says, "Here, son, have some eggnog."
But I fucking hate eggnog,
Seriously.

[assertive] But what do I see
Underneath the tree?
Grandma got a Swiss Colony beef log
Just for me!

Aaaah-Aaaah-Aaaah! Babih!
Swiss Colony beef log, baby!
That's what Christmas is all about!
A roly-poly Colonah beef log, lady,
Makes a little boy scream and shout:

"Deck the halls with boughs of Swiss Colony
Falalalala, lala la la!"

Sweet.

Hark, The Herald Angels Sing
Perfomed by the South Park Children's Choir
Actually, taken from "Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!"

Choir: "Hark!" the Herald Angels sing,
"Glory to the Newborn King!
Peace on earth, and mercy [Cartman: "murry"] mild;
God and sinners reconciled!"
Joyful all ye nations rise!
Join the triumph of the skies!
[together]
Most of choir: Hark! the Herald Angels sing,
"Glory to the Newborn King!"
Liane Cartman: With th'angelic host proclaim,
"Christ is born in Bethlehem!"

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel
Perfomed by the Broflofskis, with Eric Cartman and Stan Marsh

Kyle: Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate a Channukah.
This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song:
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Hoh,
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.

Now, you try it, Ike. Just spin it with your fingers, like this…

Ike: H I J K L-O-O P… um. The sun… like… all the rain… play…
Came down the rain and wash the spider out.
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
Kyle: Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; do you wanna try?
Cartman:Sure.
Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay.
But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's fuckin' gay.
Kyle: Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!
Cartman: Jews… play stupid games
Jews… that's why they're lame.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.
Stan: What's going on? …Oh, it's that Channukah thing
Cartman: It's sooo amazing!
You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round.
I could watch it aaall day!
Stan: Let me try.
I'll try to make it spin.
It fell; I'll try again.
[together]
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Stan:I'll try to make it spin.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:It fell; I'll try again.
[together, alternate with Cartman]
Kyle:Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:I'll try
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Stan:to make it spin.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:It fell;
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:I'll try again.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.
Kyle:Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:I'll try
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Stan:to make it spin.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:It fell;
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:I'll try again.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.
Sheila:Hello, boys!
Kyle:Hi, Mom!
Sheila: Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel.
Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people.
Cartman: Yes, we know, Ms. Broflofski. It's so very interesting.
Sheila: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin
You'll know our people always win.
Keep spinning: Learn
Cartman:Jews…
Sheila:to make the dreidel spin
Cartman:play stupid games.
Sheila:You'll know
Cartman:Jews…
Sheila:our people always win.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.
Kyle:Oh, hi Dad.
Gerald: Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
Kyle:Sure.
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!
[together, alternate with Cartman]
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:I'll try
Sheila:Now when you learn
Gerald:Courtney Cox,
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Stan:to make it spin.
Sheila:to make the dreidel spin
Gerald:I love you.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:It fell;
Sheila:You'll know
Gerald:You're so hot
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:I'll try again.
Sheila:our people always win.
Gerald:on that show.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.
Kyle:Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:I'll try
Sheila:Keep spinning: learn
Gerald:Courtney Cox,
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Stan:to make it spin.
Sheila:to make the dreidel spin
Gerald:I love you.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:It fell;
Sheila:You'll know
Gerald:You're so hot
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:I'll try again.
Sheila:our people always win.
Gerald:on that show.
Cartman:———
Gerald:: Courtney Cox, I love you.
You're so hot on that show.
Kyle:Dad?
Gerald:Courtney Cox,
Kyle:Dad.
Gerald:I- huh?
Kyle:We're singing about a dreidel.
Gerald:…Oh, sorry.
Sheila: We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
[together, alternate with Cartman]
Kyle:Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:I'll try
Sheila:Now when you learn
Gerald:Courtney Cox,
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Stan:to make it spin.
Sheila:to make the dreidel spin
Gerald:I love you.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:It fell;
Sheila:You'll know
Gerald:You're so hot
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:I'll try again.
Sheila:our people always win.
Gerald:on that show.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.
Kyle:Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:I'll try
Sheila:Keep spinning: learn
Gerald:Courtney Cox,
Cartman:Jews…
Kyle:I made you out of clay.
Stan:to make it spin.
Sheila:to make the dreidel spin
Gerald:I love you.
Cartman:play stupid games.
Kyle:Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan:It fell;
Sheila:You'll know
Gerald:You're so hot
Cartman:Jews…
[big finish]
Kyle:with dreidel I shall play.
Stan:I'll try again.
Sheila:our people- know our people always win.
Gerald:on that show.
Cartman:that's why they're lame.

The Most Offensive Song Ever
Performed by Mr. Hankey and Kenny McCormick

Mr. Hankey: Howdy Ho.
The Virgin Mary was sleepin'
When Angel Gabriel appeared
He said, "You are to be the virgin mother."
And Mary thought that was weird.
Kenny: (So she sat him down and told him,
that she went and blew a guy last year.)
Mr. Hankey: But then Gabriel said to Mary,
"My child, have no fear."
Kenny: ('Cause you can suck all the dick you want)
Together: And still be a virgin, Mary.
Kenny: (You can suck all the dick you want)
Mr. Hankey: And still not be considered flawed.
Kenny: (And Mary, just relax and play,
and suck some through the night)
Together: You're still a virgin in the eyes of God.
Mr. Hankey: There was no room at the inn
When Mary and Joseph did arrive.
They were so very tired, you see,
Kenny: ('Cause they had a tussle on the drive)
Mr. Hankey: Since she had no money,
Kenny: (and since she needed a place to sleep)
Mr. Hankey: Gabriel appeared to Mary
And told her not to weep.
Kenny: ('Cause you can suck all the dick you want)
Together: And still be a virgin, Mary.
Kenny: (You can suck all the dick you want)
Mr. Hankey: And still be the mother of Christ.
Together: If there's no room at the inn
Then it's not considered a sin
Kenny: (To suck a dick and get a place for the night!!)
Mr. Hankey: [Kenny laughs] That's right
Then, three wise men did appear
Bearing gifts of myrrh and such
They said that they had followed a star
And missed a woman's touch
Kenny: (Mary said, "Damn, it's so tragic that
I could not take them to bed.")
Mr. Hankey: But again, Gabriel appeared to her
And this is what he said
Kenny: (You can suck all the dick you want)
Together: And still be a virgin, Mary.
Kenny: (You can suck all the dick you want
Of everyone…) [laughs]
Mr. Hankey: …Everyone in the nation.
Kenny:: (Fellatio ain't no sin
So go and blow the Three Wise Men)
Mr. Hankey: And you'll still be a virgin
Kenny: ('Cause there's never any penetration!
You can suck all the dick you want)
Together: And still be a virgin, Mary.
Kenny: (And take it from the ox and the lamb)
Mr. Hankey: And even the little drummer boy
Folks will remember your name quick
Kenny: ('Cause you're sucking on the biggest dick!!
And sucking dick)
Together: Brings peace on Earth and joy. [Kenny laughs]
Kenny: ('Cause sucking dick)
Together: Brings peace on Earth and joy.
Kenny: (You can suck my dick.)

[laughs]

The following version leaves no doubt as to what Kenny was actually saying in the song, as Mr. Hankey sings the entire song without Kenny. This from the mp3 released in December 2002. You'll notice other minor changes as well.

Howdy Ho.

Virgin Mary was sleepin'
When Angel Gabriel appeared
He said, "You are to be the virgin mother."
But Mary thought that was weird.
Mary said, "I'm not a virgin.
I blew a guy last year."
But then Gabriel said to Mary,
"My child, have no fear."

Oh, you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
And still not be considered flawed.
Although you went to town and sucked some semen down,
You're still a virgin in the eyes of God.

There was no room at the inn
When Mary and Joseph did arrive.
But they were so very tired, you see,
And Mary had to offer a bride.
Since she had no money,
How would she pay for a place to sleep?
Gabriel appeared to Mary
And told her not to weep.

'Cause you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
And still be the mother of Christ.
If there's no room at the inn, then it's not considered a sin
To suck some dick to get a room for the night!

Then, three wise men did appear
Bearing gifts of myrrh and such
They said that they had followed a star
And missed a woman's touch
Mary thought she might pleasure them
But could not take them to bed.
But again, Gabriel appeared to her
And this is what he said:

"You can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
Every one that hangs in the nation.
Fellatio ain't no sin. Go on and blow those Three Wise Men
And you'll still be a virgin 'cause there was no penetration!

So, you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
The donkey and the ox and the lambs
And even the little drummer boy
People will remember your name quick. They'll say "Damn, that bitch could suck a good dick!"
'Cause sucking dick brings peace on Earth and joy.

[slowing] 'Cause sucking dick brings peace on Earth and [normal] joy.
Mary, Mary, suck that dick.

We Three Kings
Performed by Mr. Ose
(I dunno, sounds like Mr. Hirohito to me)

Cha koko de yumei na Kurisumasu no uta wo todoke itasimasu.
["With my tea in hand, I hope this famous Christmas song reaches you."]
We three King of Orient are.
Bidding gift, we traver so far.
Fierd and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
O
Star o' wonder, star of night
Star o' royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy parfect Light

Hiyo!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Performed by Mr. Hankey, with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman

Mr. Hankey: Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album.
Gosh! It was so nice hangin' out with you all again.
Well, I guess if there's just… one thing I have left to say,
It would be this:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
May your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay.
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

with boys: Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.
The Boys: Through the years we all will be together
If the Fates allow.
Mr. Hankey: Hang a shining star above the highest bough.
with boys: And have yourself a merry little Christmas now
Cartman: Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Goodbye, everybody,
[flush]
And Merry Christmas!
Kyle: Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.