The Secrets of
"Proper Condom Use"

by Wild Willie Westwood, with sources from all over the Web

"I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk." — Cartman's milking the wrong gender.

In the Marsh's Book of the Month Club: we have the moms and dads of Stan, Butters (Mom: Carol), Tweek (Dad: Richard), Craig (Dad: Tom), and Token. Bob and Linda are thus Token's parents.

First lesson: education begins at home. This should go for sexual education as well. After all, your parents had to have sex to have you, so they can answer what questions you have. And they need the courage to do so.

Mr. Mackey teaches the boys, Ms. Choksondik teaches the girls, and Mr. Garrison teaches the kindergartners.

Sixteen boys, but no Terrence, Bill, Fosse, or DogPoo (Dirt). Four of the boys are new to the class.

The screen is halfway down the chalkboard when first we see Mr. Mackey instructing the boys. Next time Mr. Mackey is seen, the screen is all the way down. He must have lowered it real quiet-like.

The chalkboard is clean when first we see Ms. Choksondik instructing the girls. Next time Ms. Choksondik is seen, the board has "SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES" written on it. She must have wrtten it real quiet-like. But wait, when we see her again, the board is clean again, and THEN she writes "SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES" on the board.

There are 28 students in 4th grade: 12 girls and 16 boys

"Children in America are having sex at younger and younger ages." — There was a time when we worried about 17-year-olds having pre-marital sex. In my day that was down to 15. These days 12- and 13-year olds are having sex. In my day, sex ed took place in tenth grade; now it takes place in fifth grade.

"Ha-I'll be nine next week." — will we see a party for Butters, now that we've seen his parents and learn a new character is arriving near his birthday?

Gladiator reference — Gladiator Condoms: For Maximus Protection

"my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same" — In "Ike's Wee Wee," Mr. Mackey's head deflated when he took off his tie, and swelled again when he put his tie on. But in this episode it doesn't deflate, even when he's naked. Also, one can cite the scenes in which Mr. Mackey enjoyed one form of sex or another, in "Ike's Wee Wee" (Mr. Mackey and the hippie chick in bed, and their clothes on the floor) and "Fingerbang" (Mr. Mackey, and Ms. Cartman as dominatrix), so he did have sex before. He might even have consummated it with the hippie chick, but forgot about the event, since he was under the influence of LSD at the time.

The afterbirth shown is that of an animal, not a human.

OOPS!!!... Flora or Sally? — Sally is the one who mentions the Filthy Sanchez, but Mr. Garrison calls her Flora.

Mad Max reference — the boys in their vehicles and attire approaching the girls in their stronghold. Butters quotes The Humungus from "Mad Max 2: Road Warrior": "Just walk away. You can put a stop to all of this, if you just walk away,"

The Sexual Positions Mr. Garrison Discussed

Don't read below this line if you don't want to know, or if you're too young for this.

  1. Missionary — man before woman, woman on her back.
  2. Wrap-around Butt Grab — Missionary, with the woman grabbing onto her partner's ass.
  3. Doggie — man behind woman.
  4. Filthy Sanchez — aka Dirty Sanchez, a "dirty" finger just rubbed into your partner's anus and then rubbed under your partner's nose making a mustache of stink for her to remember the session by. Done with doggie style.
  5. Fish-eye — From behind, you shove your finger in her ass. Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.
  6. Donkey Punch — Banging a girl doggie style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
  7. Pile driver — a standing 69, from the wrestling move of the same name.
  8. Hot Karl — You perform anal sex on your partner, and then they turn around right afterwards and give you a blowjob.
  9. Reverse Cowgirl — Woman on top, with her back to her partner. Each partner can see the other's ass this way, so also the "reciprocal sight of posteriors".
  10. Hot Lunch — While receiving head from a woman, you proceed to shit on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer).
  11. Chili dog — Taking a shit on a girl's tits and then proceeding to titty-fuck her.
  12. Glass-bottom boat — Putting saran wrap over your partner's face and proceeding to lay a hot shit there.