Announcers and Narrator
Nagix (Ice-cream-crapping Taco)
|[At the bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny wait. Ike hops into view]|
|The Boys:||School days, school days, teacher's golden rule day…|
|Kyle:||Ah, damn it!|
|Kyle:||My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!|
|Ike:||Suck my balls.|
|Kyle:||No, Ike! You can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles]|
|Cartman:||Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!|
|Kyle:||Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!|
|Cartman:||Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead! [the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike and swings him towards Cartman. Ike smacks Cartman in the face and Cartman falls on his back] Ow!|
|Stan:||Dude, sweet! [Ike stands up]|
|Kyle:||Yeah. Check it out. [sets up Ike and prepares for a kick] Ready Ike? Kick the baby!|
|Ike:||Don't hit the God-damned baby!|
|Ike:||Waa... [flies across the street and lands in some snow on the other side] ...aaaah.|
|Cartman:||[gets up and yawns] Uuugh.|
|Kyle:||Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.|
|Cartman:||That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.|
|Kyle:||Really? What about?|
|Cartman:||Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed… [the dream sequence begins] in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room [his window flies open and a bright beam blinds him as he rises to see what it is]. Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open [a glow appears around the door as an alien peeks inside] and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. [This hallway has specimens on either side of it. "Weeaak!"] Then these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [four aliens hover over him and lower his pajama pants as a robot arm nearby gets to work on his ass] And they had big heads and big black eyes…|
|Stan:||That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!|
|Cartman:||No, it was just a dream, [crosses his arms] my mom said so.|
|Stan:||Visitors are real. They... [lowers his left eyebrow and thinks, looking down] Wait a minute. This has all happened before.|
|Kyle:||Yeah. This does seem really familiar.|
|Cartman:||What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' about?|
|Kyle:||Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream?|
|Cartman:||Eh-ih... shut up you guys, you're just tryin' to scare me.|
|Stan:||No, dude, this happened before! Aliens put some device in you and then we tied you up to a tree and you went up on their ship! You don't remember that?|
|Cartman:||No I don't remember that!|
|Cartman:||No, because the aliens erased my memory!|
|Stan:||I remember this whole thing. [to Kyle] Ike tried to follow you to school. You kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream.|
|Kyle:||Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car. [the sound of wheels approaching]|
|Chef:||[pulling up in his station wagon, steps out] Hello there, children! [silence]|
|Kyle:||[to Stan] And then you said|
|Stan:||What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?|
|Chef:||Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles|
|All:||and a choice of green bean salad or vegetable medley.|
|Chef:||Say, did any of you children|
|All:||see the alien space ship last night?|
|Stan:||Chef, we're in a repeat.|
|Kyle:||Cartman was visited by aliens again last night. And now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day.|
|Cartman:||Aw dude, I hate repeats!|
|Chef:||[walks around and stands behind the boys] I've been feelin' déjà vu all mornin', children. I knew somethin' strange was goin' on!|
|Stan:||It all started when Cartman got an anal probe.|
|Chef:||We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away.|
|[South Park Medical Clinic. Inside, Chef and the boys wait on chairs as Cartman lies face down on a proctologist's table]|
|Kyle:||What is a proc-tologist, Chef?|
|Chef:||He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.|
|Stan:||You mean, at some point in this doctor's life he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes.|
|Kyle:||What a dick!|
|Proctologist:||[entering] Hello everyone! [walks towards Cartman]|
|Chef:||Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric on such short notice.|
|Proctologist:||What seems to be the problem?|
|Chef:||We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal.|
|Kyle:||Other than his monstrous size.|
|Cartman:||[whips an angry look at him] SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED MOUTH! [pulls his head back and rests it on his left hand]|
|Proctologist:||All right, let's see here. [raises the blanket and looks down] Oh my God!!|
|Proctologist:||Why, there's a huge crack goin' right down the middle! [beat. The doctor begins to laugh]|
|Cartman:||[displeased] Haha, very funny.|
|Stan:||Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a zillion times.|
|Proctologist:||[chuckles] All right, let's take a look. [snaps on a yellow latex glove and plunges a finger into the butthole]|
|Cartman:||Heey, just what the hell do you think you're doing?|
|Chef:||Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum.|
|Kyle:||And afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it.|
|Cartman:||Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh. Oohh. Eow.|
|Proctologist:||Well the prostate seems to be normal. No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...|
|Cartman:||Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa.|
|Proctologist:||Wait, what's this? [the anal probe appears once again and the doctor jumps out of the way. The probe stretches out and clears away part of the clinic on its way to full height. A large hole is left on the building as the satellite dish juts out from it.]|
|Kyle:||Are you okay?|
|Cartman:||[with a dreamy, relieved look] Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huuuge dump? Awesome! [smiles]|
|Proctologist:||[slowly] I've never quite seen this before, uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream.|
|Cartman:||[the probe collapses and sinks back into his ass] Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh!|
|Stan:||You all right?|
|Cartman:||You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I"M NOT ALL RIGHT!!|
|Proctologist:||I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way.|
|Chef:||That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an alien hoobajoob! Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help!|
|Stan:||Where to now, Chef?|
|Chef:||That thing inside Eric's asshole looked like some kinda alien satellite dish. We need to see my friend down at the Space Center now! [as they leave the clinic they pass the receptionist's window. A receptionist with a weird white face and yellow hair looks on as they leave. She then removes her wig and shows that she's a Visitor.]|
|[The space center. Lots of satellite dishes dot the premises. Inside Chef leads the children to a scientist.]|
|Chef:||And you're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff.|
|Jeff:||How do we uh, make it come out?|
|Chef:||Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did.|
|Cartman:||[crosses his arms] Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again! Unless it's Kyle. [grins]|
|Kyle:||No way! [looks to his left and points] You do it, Kenny!|
|Cartman:||Nope! It has to be Kyle!|
|Kyle:||I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!|
|Chef:||Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake.|
|Cartman:||[lowers his pants and moons Kyle] Come, Kyle. Do hurry. [Kyle moves tentatively toward Cartman and bares his left arm] Go ahead, it won't bite. [Kyle raises his arm and move in. Cartman farts and Kyle angrily lowers his arm. Cartman and Kenny laugh]|
|Cartman:||[laughing] I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. [Kyle rasies his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.]|
|Kyle:||Stop it Cartman!|
|Cartman:||[laughing] Okay. Okay okay. [Kyle rasies his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.]|
|Kenny:||[laughing] (Gaaahaha, he got you again!)|
|Cartman:||[laughing] Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now. [Kyle rasies his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm, looking at the other guys.] Gahaaa! Derrr!|
|Kenny:||[laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Derrr!)|
|Cartman:||Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore. [Kyle rasies his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Oh yes it is! [swats the odor towards Kyle.]|
|Kenny:||[laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Yes it is!)|
|Chef:||Eric, that's enough!|
|Cartman:||Okay, okay. [Kyle rasies his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohh, double psych!|
|Kyle:||That's it! [walks off] I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it!|
|Stan:||Oh, nice going, Cartman!|
|Cartman:||All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Kyle.|
|Cartman:||No, go ahead. I'm dry.|
|Chef:||It stopped being funny forty seconds ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!|
|Cartman:||But it was one of the best times I've ever had.|
|Jeff:||Can I see this thing, please?|
|Cartman:||Okay. [Kyle rasies his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohhh! God-damnit! [Cartman, Kenny, and Chef laugh]|
|Chef:||Okay. Now it's funny again.|
|Cartman:||This is so awesome. I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office, guys. I think I died and went to heaven.|
|Kyle:||That does it! CHARGE! [drives his finger into Cartman's butthole. Cartman farts and screams as the anal probe shoot out of his ass. The probe opens up into the satellite dish and the dish sends a beam into outer space. Part of the space center is destroyed in the process]|
|Chef:||What's it doing?|
|Jeff:||It, it's sending a transmission of some kind. [sits at a console and types away] Got it! [on several screen above the keyboard, images from around the planet pop up and change every second or so.]|
|Kyle:||It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.|
|Chef:||Where is the signal being sent to? [the signal cuts off and the anal probe shrinks back into Cartman's ass. Cartman screams as it does so.]|
|Cartman:||Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you guys.|
|Kyle:||We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth?|
|Stan:||We wanted to see an alien planet or something.|
|Jeff:||Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars.|
|Jeff:||Yu-you know. Candy bars. They usually come in a wrapper. Just like you... wrap a Christmas present. Christmas happens when it's cold. Cold, as in Alaska - that's... with polar bears. Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to! [turns around and types away on the console. The power cuts out and the center goes dark.] What the heck? [the sound of heavy ships is heard, and two bright beams light up the room. Everyone looks towards a window. Outside, a visitor walks up and looks in through one end window. A second one looks through the other end window. The windows shatter] They're coming in! [a glow appears outside a door and permeates it. The door shattes and two visitors enter. The other two come in through the window and the four of them converge on the boys, Chef, and Jeff.]|
|Stan:||What do we do???|
|Cartman:||[steps forward and points to Jeff] It's that guy you want! He's trying to reverse your polarities!|
|Jeff:||What?? [the visitors go after Jeff, and the others make their escape]|
|Kyle:||Aaaah! Runrunruuun! [the group makes it outside]|
|Chef:||Get in the car, children! Get in the car! [they all scramble in and Chef peels away from the center. He drives down the road towards South Park. Another car appears behind then and throws up its headlights. Its horn honks a few times]|
|Stan:||[startled] What is that?|
|Chef:||Can you see anything, children? [Kyle looks back]|
|Kyle:||[turns back] The aliens are chasing us! [a close-up of the four aliens in the car behind Chef. A passenger-side visitor leans out and draws a revolver, shooting at Chef. A bullet strikes the rear window and the boys jump]|
|Chef:||God damned aliens! [the two cars move down the road with the visitors still shooting]|
|Stan:||Chef! End of the road! [several barricades are up, with STOP signs hanging on the, and one sign saying "ROAD CLOSED"]|
|Chef:||Hold on, children! [Cartman looks at the visitors] We have to ditch them! [steps on the gas pedal]|
|Cartman:||What are you doing, man?! [Chef drives towards the barricade and goes up a wooden ramp, into the air.]|
|Narrator:||[some backwoods music plays in the background in freeze-frame] Looks like them boys are gettin' a little fresh air. [the wagon lands on the other side of a pothole and continues. The visitors try the same jump, but they launch into the air and off the road, towards a chicken coop. They crash through the roof and land right in the middle of the coop. Chickens ]|
|Kyle:||[looks out and back] I think we ditched them.|
|Chef:||I don't think we're outta the woods yet. [they pass a sign saying "eat BIG PIG'S BBQ" with a pig in a white Southern suit. Behind the billboard, a police car pulls out and pursues Chef. There are two visitors in the car]|
|Stan:||It's the police!|
|Chef:||That ain't no police! [for some reason, two workers are moving a large glass pane across the road. Chef heads on down and crashes through it. The police cruiser follows]|
|Cartman:||When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.|
|Stan:||Chef!! [Chef sees yet another barricade and goes towards it, forcing the worker guarding it to jump out of the way/ Chef launches into the air once again. "Dixie" is heard from the car's horn. The aliens catch up to Chef and the boys and try the same jump. They end up upside down and unable to move. Chef spins the car a bit and looks back at the police cruiser]|
|Chef:||[jumps out and approaches the police car] HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you! [a beam lights up the car] Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! Chinese auto school?! [the car begins to rise slowly]|
|The Boys:||Chef! Chef! They've got us!|
|Chef:||You're lucky I didn't just turn around and beat your white skinny alien asses anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember to... [notices the weird sounds behind him and turns] Huh? [looks up to see the staition wagon hovering near the entrance to the ship] Aw crap! Children!|
|Narrator:||[the picture freezes] Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses. And it's pretty thick molasses, too.|
|[A chamber. Stan is tied up in some green alien pod, asleep.]|
|Stan:||Uh. [stirs and opens his eyes] Wugh. You guys. Wake up! [the other boys are in pods of their own]|
|Kyle:||[stirs in his own pod] What the? Where are, where are we?|
|Stan:||We're in the alien ship.|
|Cartman:||Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass! [panics] Oh God, help me you guys!|
|Kyle:||It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien space ship.|
|Cartman:||[looks down] ...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank you Lord.|
|Stan:||[out of his pod] Guys. Look. [the others get out of theirs and walk towards Stan]|
|Kyle, Cartman:||Wow. [they face a massive window, through which they get a good view of Earth getting farther and farther away]|
|Stan:||My God, do you guys realize? This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space.|
|Cartman:||This is like my fifth time. [the room brightens and two doors open at the other end of the room. The boys turn and face it]|
|Stan:||Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.|
|Kenny:||(Oh no!) [tightens the hood on his face. The man enters... it appears to be Stan's father.]|
|Alien:||No, not really. I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you.|
|Kyle:||Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay.|
|Stan:||Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, Contact.|
|Cartman:||Aw God, that movie pissed me off.|
|Alien:||Very well, I shall show my true form. [a quick transformation into a hideous monster] Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah.|
|The Boys:||[shielding their eyes] AAAAH!|
|Stan:||Okay okay, take the form of something else!|
|Alien:||[transforms again] How's this? [the boys move their arms off their eyes to behold Santa]|
|Stan:||Nno, that's stupid too. [Cartman looks at Stan, deflated]|
|Alien:||How about this? [transforms into Michael Jordan, Bulls form]|
|Stan, Kyle, Cartman:||No. [the alien turns into Don King] No! [then into Mr. Roarke and Tattoo]|
|Cartman:||[impressed] Oooo, very nice.|
|Stan:||No! [the alien turns into George Burns]|
|Kyle:||No! [the alien turns into J.J. Walker]|
|[Back at the space center, day. Jeff is cleaning up after the destruction left behind by the visitors]|
|Chef:||[with flashlight] Jeff!! The aliens took the children up on their ship.|
|Chef:||Did you find out what the aliens were up to?|
|Jeff:||When I reversed the polarities, I found this: [sits at the console and starts pressing keys. 1s and 0s flash across a screen] It's a message that the aliens are broadcasting throughout the entire universe. But I have no idea what it says.|
|Chef:||They took the children, Jeff! I have to know what those aliens are up to!|
|Jeff:||[spins around] Wait a minute! Butt sex!|
|Jeff:||Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... Chupacabra 's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized. Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama students! Students at colleges usally have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's binary code! [spins back and works on decoding it]|
|Chef:||Who's havin' butt sex?|
|[Back on the alien ship]|
|Alien:||[prances as Saddam] Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal! [ends on his knees, arms wide open]|
|The Boys:||[getting bored] No!|
|Alien:||[transforms into Missy Elliot] Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh huh.|
|The Boys:||No! [Stan is irritated]|
|Alien:||[transforms into Frank Sinatra] Don't piss on the moon, babe.|
|Alien:||All right, earthlings, what form do you want me to take? [the boys fall silent]|
|Cartman:||How about a taco, that craps ice cream? [the alien transforms into the taco. A wad of ice cream falls out of him] Guys?|
|Stan:||I like it.|
|Kenny:||(Me too.) [the boys clap]|
|Alien:||All right, then we can get back to business. Follow me this way, earthlings. [leads the boys into another room, leaving scoops of ice cream behind, in various flavors] I want to apologize to you boys for all the spooky, scary stuff. We just needed to get to the malfunctioning uplink relay.|
|Stan:||You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?|
|Alien:||That's right. See, there are dishes in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums. Your friend's has been malfunctioning.|
|Kyle:||Why do you put them into people's asses? Are you planning some kind of alien takeover?|
|Alien:||Oh, heavens no! We're a production company. We make intergalactic television programs that the whole universe watches. [enters the next room]|
|Stan:||[looks back at his friends] Television? [the boys enter the next room. In that room visitors are all over the place manning the various aspects of a production company]|
|Alien:||We at Nerzod Productions started twenty billion years ago with one philosophy: the best universal television isn't scripted, it's real. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] We started with great shows like, "Who Wants To Marry A Gelgamek?" and "Antares 6 Millionaire". And then we had a big hit with "Get Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian". But then of course, there's our signature show. The greatest universal reality show of all time. [he looks at a giant screen on which Earth is shown]|
|Alien:||A few billion years ago we realized, "what if we took species from all different planets in the universe, and put them together, on the same planet?" Great TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, deer and Hispanics, all trying to live side by side on one planet! It's great! [the boys are stunned at what they're hearing]|
|Stan:||Our planet is just a reality-TV show?|
|Alien:||Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!|
|Kyle:||You mean that you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and kill each other? Dude, that's messed up.|
|Stan:||Why?? Because you're playing with people's lives! You're turning people's problems into entertainment!|
|Cartman:||Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth! [the boys just look at each other]|
|[The Convention Center, day.]|
|Jeff:||Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently come across an alien transmission that is being beamed throughout the entire universe. [murmurs rise up in the audience] When decoded, it looks like this. [he begins the transmission and graphics sweep by. First, the binary code appears, then a dazzling sun behind the Earth, then a tracking shot leading to Earth, then an undernourished boy, then a caravan walking across a desert, people putting on protective glasses, an atomic blast, deer running, a couple, a time-lapse night scene, the Eiffel Tower, two men hammering at something, an ethnic festival. The sound is garbled]|
|Man:||[rising] What does it mean?|
|Jeff:||Ih it's simple mathematical language that can be understood throughout the solar system. Translated into our language, it looks like this. [replays the transmission, this time in English]|
|Announcer:||This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's been one hundred Gelganighs since we first took species from seventeen different planets and put them all together, on the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought and fallen in love! What will happen this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl!|
|Jeff:||I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show.|
|Man 2:||My God. We're famous! [everyone stands and whoops it up]|
|Jeff:||Waaaait, you don't understand!|
|Man 3:||[giddy blond] I'm on TV! I'm on TV!|
|Man 4:||This is so awesome! [everyone clear out, cheering]|
|Others:||Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!! [Jeff is left all alone]|
|[Back at Nerzod Productions. Cartman is bent over once more, with his pants down. The visitors have finished working on him]|
|Alien:||That should get the relay working again. [begins to walk off. The boys follow] All right, Earthlings, if you'll step over this way we'll erase your memories and get you back to Earth. [a visitor brings him a ringing phone] Oh, excuse me. [picks up the receiver] This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh no, really? And it's, it's for sure? All right, I'll break the news to everyone. No, no I, I understand. Thanks. [hangs up the phone and walks back to the boys] Well, you kids can go back to Earth if you want, but I'm afraid it won't be there for long. The show's been cancelled.|
|Kyle:||What?? Who cancelled us?|
|Nagix:||The universal network heads. They say the Earthlings have become aware of the show, so it won't be fuinny anymore. [walks off to address the rest of the staff]|
|Stan:||Oh shit, did we do that?|
|Nagix:||Everyone, can I have your attention real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a call from the network and I'm afraid Earth has been cancelled|
|Nagix:||Now, now, it was a great run and I think we should all be really proud. [a smattering of applause] Let's call in a demolition crew to strike the Earth for resources.|
|Stan:||Wait! Wait, they they can't do this! Uh, let us talk to the network heads!|
|Nagix:||Wouldn't do any good.|
|Kyle:||Dude, we have to try!|
|Stan:||Please, take us to them! Please!|
|Nagix:||All right, kids, we'll take you to the network heads. But I warn you: nobody has ever gotten the executives to uncancel a show once the call has been made. Nobody. [the boys look at each other, and several more scoops of ice cream falls out of the alien's taco ass]|
|[Earth. A view of it from outer space. A few seconds later, an immense crane floats towards Earth with wrecking ball ready and beeper going. It stops. Two alien laborers sit inside and the driver activates the crane arm. The wrecking ball moves and strikes western Africa. A shot of people running across a bridge. The whole planet moves as if by an earhquake. Chef almost loses his balance at the space center as the ground undulates]|
|Chef:||What the hell is that?!|
|Jeff:||There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit! [schematics of the ship and of Earth appear on screen, and the impact point is shown as well] But why? Wait a minute! Chaos theory!|
|Jeff:||Chaos theory, ih wah, it was first thought of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the number of episodes they made of Punky Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled...|
|Jeff:||Don't you see? The show is over! The aliens are cancelling Earth!|
|Chef:||Oh my God! We have to stop them!|
|[The boys walk down a futuristic sidewalk on a strange planet]|
|Voice:||Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the Joozians, who control all media in the universe. [the boys enter the universal network headquarters]|
|Receptionist:||Can I help you?|
|Stan:||Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting with the network heads?|
|Receptionist:||Where are you visiting from?|
|Receptionist:||Oooo, I watch that show all the time. [opens another set of doors and shows the boys in]|
|Joozian 1:||Gaaahahaha. [notices the boys come in] Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings. We're just checking out our new show.|
|Joozian 2:||We took a hundred beings from the planet Marklar and put them on an asteroid with sentient beings from the Horsehead Nebula. Ih-it's a riot!|
|Joozian 1:||They hate each other!|
|Joozian 2:||Gah, why? [Stan nudges Kyle, who pulls a letter out from his pocket and reads]|
|Kyle:||Mighty powerful network executives,||Joozian 1:||Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have haglar yet?
||Joozian 2:||Oh yeah, let's do haglar.
||Joozian 1:||Where do you wanna go? Meroni's?
||Joozian 2:||Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh, Blackafelch!
||Joozian 1:||Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect.
||[Blackafelch Restaurant, later. Aliens of all kinds sit and enjoy their meals.]
||Joozian 2:||This place is fantastic!
||Stan:||Look, we just want to talk to you about the show.
||Kyle:||Please don't cancel us. Please.
||Joozian 1:||Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have to realize the universe is a business.
||Joozian 2:||You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!
||Joozian 1:||Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.
||Waitress:||[another Joozian] Here's yoiur order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah. [sets a large platter before the executives and lifts the cover. The executives dig in]
||Stan:||But sirs, we think our show is just getting good. [Kyle thinks about the food, then decides to taste it] I mean, we're just now starting to see people get really pissed off at each other.
||Kyle:||Oh my God, this is great!
||Joozian 1:||You must have some Joozian ancestry.
||Cartman:||[miffed at the link, rests his head on his left hand] Tell us about it!
||Stan:||Look, there's five billion people on our show. You just can't up and cancel on us.
||Joozian 1:||Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars on that joozinek?
||Stan:||Dude, we're trying to save our planet here?!
||Joozian 1:||Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah!
||Joozian 2:||Oh, yeah!
||[A hekmabah, a Joozian strip club. A Joozinek slithers around a dance pole]
||Joozian 1:||Oh yeah, let's see those heglars!
||Stan:||Sirs, uh, if you'll just let-
||Joozian 1:||Oh, man, I am so wasted! [holds up a little box] Hey, do you Earthlings wanna try a little glach? [takes the box and pours out a line of purple powder. The other Joozian snorts it right up. The boys look on, saying nothing. Another line of purple powder and the first Joozian snorts up, then suddenly turns around] Agh-oh yeah!! [turns back] Oh, gluck yeah!! [Kenny begins snorting up at the other end of the line]
||Kyle:||Kenny! [Kenny stops]
||Joozian 1:||Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get a hotel room and a hooker!
||Joozian 2:||Oh yeah!
||Joozian 1:||Yeah! [they leave their chairs]
||[Back on earth, the massive cranes swings at Earth again. More quakes follow and the space center is damaged some more]
||Chef:||We have to find a way to stop those aliens!
||Jeff:||[begins pacing] Oh, their ship is massive! There's no way to stop it! [stops] Wait a minute, jackets!
||Chef:||[smacks his hand onto his head] Oh no.
||Jeff:||If people don't wear jackets they could get cold. A cold is caused by a virus. A viru- a computer virus! We could make a computer virus and send it to their ships to disable their computers!
||Chef:||[thinks, then angrily] That doesn't make any God-damned sense!
||[an adult hotel. The Joozians are in bed with a hooker and they begin to disrobe]
||Joozian 1:||Oh yeah!
||Joozian 1:||Oh yeah! Yeah!! [goes to take another snort of purple powder. With his shirt off, one can see two small appendages, one on each shoulder]
||Joozian 2:||Woohoohoo! Yeah!
||Joozian 1:||Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a party or what?? [the boys sit on a couch looking on, bored.]
||Joozian 2:||Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting my jagon hard! [the appendage on his right shoulder stiffens and lengthens]
||Joozian 1:||[returns to the side of the bed, by the second Joozian] Wohh. Yeah, let's party! [begins to suck on the Joozian's jagon]
||Joozian 2:||Yeah, suck my jagon!
||Joozian 1:||[stops and releases] Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon! [the second Joozian begins to suck on his jagon] Oh yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher! [the second Joozian begins putting his finger into some openings above the first Joozian's waist] Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon! [the boys show more interest and some astonishment]
||Stan:||Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong. [Kenny whips out a camera and takes a picture]
||Joozian 1:||[the other Joozian continues sucking on his jagon] Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah!
||[Back at universal network headquarters. The Joozians have ice packs on their heads, recovering from the raunch they experienced the night before]
||Joozian 2:||Oh, God. Eh eh, my head. [the four boys look on] What did we do?
||Joozian 1:||Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.
||Joozian 2:||Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons! You kids won't tell anybody about this, right??
||Stan:||[glances at Cartman and quickly thinks] No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if you don't cancel our show!
||Joozian 1:||Oooo, I knew that was coming.
||Joozian 2:||They really got us by the nezmins
||Kyle:||The Earth show can still be good. Just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show.
||Stan:||I'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent.
||Cartman:||There's even World War Three to look forward to.
||Kyle:||And then we won't have to show anybody the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jagons.
||Joozian 1:||He-all right, all right Earthlings! Ya, you win! The show can stay on.
||The Boys:||All right!
||Joozian 1:||Just be sure to keep up the wars and violence.
||Joozian 2:||Well, we've got a five o'clock with the Yurka producers. [still disheveled, he hops off his chair and goes to a lever] Nice meeting you Earthlings. Bye! [pulls the lever down and in an instant the boys are back at the bus stop]
||[The bus stop, day. Kenny is missing]
||Kyle:||Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
||Cartman:||That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.
||Kenny:||[walks up with something in his hand] (Hey you guys, look.) [the other boys look]
||Kyle:||What the hell is that?
||Kenny:||(I don't know.)
||Chef:||[drives up in his station wagon and steps out] Hello there, children!
||The Boys:||Hey Chef. [Chef steps behind the boys]
||Stan:||Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders. [Chef takes a look at the picture of the two Joozians sucking each other's jagons]
||Cartman:||What is it, Chef?
||Chef:||I don't know. But something tells me this picture might be very important, children. [hands the picture back to Kenny] You should hang on to it.
||Announcer:||Attention universe! Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of... Earth! The Asians [crowd scene] are reeeally steamed at the Russians [crossing a bridge]. The zebras try to get along with the buffalo. [composite shot] And Americans [walking the dog] and Iraqis [dancing] have an all-out brawl. [Saddam is shown] It's outrageous fun and it's all new! Earth! On Fognl.
||[End of Cancelled]