The Guest Stars of
"Douche and Turd"

by Wild Willie Westwood


Mooey, Giant Douche, Turd Sandwich, and Jim Lehrer

Mooey is the South Park Elementary mascot, and it's the first time we see him. He performs for the school, but PETA storms in and restrains him, demanding that the school stop using him as a mascot. The school acquiesces and releases a sheet of possible replacements. The boys aren't happen with them and instead come up with write-in candidates. Kyle urges people to write in Giant Douche and Cartman urges them to write in Turd Sandwich. Mr. Garrison presents them to the students at another assembly meeting. Stan doesn't like the choices and opts out of voting. Jim Lehrer is brought in to interview the two prospects, but doesn't get much out of them except name-calling and deflection.


Puff Daddy and Posse, PETA members

Ostrich-baby, Dr. Cornwallis

Kyle contacts P Diddy after he fails to get Stan to vote, but Stan isn't happy about it. When Stan asks what Vote or Die means, he gets his answer pretty quick and has to run throughout the town at night to get away from P Diddy and his guards. They find him at every turn, though, so Stan gives up and plans to vote. When Kyle urges him again to vote for the Giant Douche, Stan fires back that he will not be persuaded or intimidated into voting, so he declines to vote again. The Principal then banishes Stan for not voting. He is sent out of town backwards on a horse, with a pail on his head. He and the horse are eventually found by members of PETA and led to their compound. One of the members serves as a guide and shows Stan how some of them have entered interspecies marriage, and one coupld even had offspring - the ostrich-baby - which asks to be killed. Stan really can't stay, as he is not an animal or a PETA member, but to be sure he's asked to speak with Dr. Cornwallism who turns out to be a goat. He doesn't say anything, but Stan tells the members that Dr. Cornwallis said he could stay. When P Diddy and his guards suddenly show up to kill Stan, a PETA member throws fake blood on him, and he has his guards open fire on the compound. All the PETA members are killed and Stan returns to South Park to vote. He voted for the Turd Sandwich, but the Giant Douche wins by a landslide. Mr. Garrison then appears with a PETA shirt, ripped to shreds, and announces that they've all been murdered. This allows the school to take back Mooey the Cow as its mascot once more, and Stan's vote didn't matter after all.

Mandy

Mandy is one of the cheerleaders at South Park Elementary. She is quite likely the newest 4th grader.