Episode 901 - Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Dr. Biber
Lead Referee
Colorado and Wyoming coaches
Townsman
Randy Marsh
Mr./Mrs. Garrison and Mr. Slave
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Singers and announcers
Men in Girls Gone Wild commercial
Redhead at the bar
Butters
Jason
Craig
Clyde
Planned Parenthood Doctor and Nurse
Patient at Trinidad Medical Center
Ushers
Security Guards
Denver Police Officer


[Trinidad Medical Center, day. A very modern, futuristic-looking building is seen behind the sign. Inside, a doctor approaches a patient]
Doctor:Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber. I'll be performing your surgery today.
Mr. Garrison:[on the hospital bed, his legs on stirrups] God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll make me well again.
Dr. Biber:Now, you're absolutely sure you want a vaginoplasty?
Mr. Garrison:My whole life I've been a woman trapped in a man's body. A sex-change operation is my last chance at happiness.
Dr. Biber:All right, then let's begin. [POV changes to Mr. Garrison looking down past his groin. A nurse hands Dr. Biber a scalpel] Just relax, Mr. Garrison. I think if more people could just see a sex-change operation, they would know how perfectly natural it is. The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls. [bends down to slice open Mr. Garrison's nutsack - a live slice is shown]
Mr. Garrison:Ough, ergh. Eww. [his eyes remain shut for the duration of the operation]
Dr. Biber:With the scrotum open, I can now discard of your testicles.
Mr. Garrison:So long, balls. [the vas deferens is shown being cut in two, severing the testicle from the rest of the body. A nurse dabs Dr. Biber's forehead with a towel to remove any sweat there]
Dr. Biber:Now, I'll just continue the incision up the shaft of the penis. [real-life footage is shown]
Mr. Garrison:Oh, that stings.
Dr. Biber:Now I'll just... turn your... penis inside out.
Mr. Garrison:OH! Oh jeez.
Dr. Biber:All we need to do now is ...stuff the ...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis... And now I'll use the skin from your penis to make vaginal lips.
Mr. Garrison:Do I look like a woman?
Dr. Biber:[reviewing the results, then holds up his left thumb] Pretty much.
[Denver Convention Center, day. All-State Basketball Tryouts are being held there. TODAY! Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny show up courtside through entrance 51A. Kyle, #4, is in South Park Elementary's basketball uniform.]
Stan:Dude, don't be nervous.
Kyle:How can I not be nervous? Trying out for the All-State team has been my dream for years.
Stan:You're the best player at our school, dude. You'll make the team for sure.
Cartman:This is ridiculous. Jews can't play basketball.
Kyle:[points right at Cartman] I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman! [a referee's whistle is heard]
Lead Referee:All students trying out for the All-State team to center court! [Kyle heads for center court]
Stan:Good luck. [Kyle reaches center court and is flanked by tall black players on either side. He looks around, seeing how much taller these players are than he. Two of them have basketballs; Kyle has his own ball]
Coach:All right boys, now you're all here because you're the best of the best. [the camera pans from left to right, showing all the players - and Kyle's head from the nose up] I know that you've all worked really hard to make it this far, so let's get out there and [throws a basketball at someone] SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT! [play begins, and the taller players keep the ball away from Kyle, then drive toward one of the baskets. Number 32 slsms the ball through the hoop. They drive to the opposite basket. Kyle has the ball and shoots, but his shot is rejected. The players head back to the first basket] Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski, is it?
Kyle:Yeah?
Coach:Can we talk to you for a minute? [Kyle leaves the court and reaches the coach] You uh... You're the best player in your school, are ya?
Kyle:Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets one day.
Coach:Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great skills and a great attitude. But you're just not physically ...built for the game.
Kyle:Oo whataya mean?
Coach:Well, it's just that... Jew's can't play basketball. [blows his whistle and returns to the other players] Awwright, kids, we've gotta work on that shooting! Come on!
[Kyle heads out through 56A but puts his head against a wall, deeply saddeed. Kenny, Stan and Cartman enter 56A from the concession stands and head towards Kyle]
Stan:Dude, you were awesome, Kyle. [no response. Stan looks at Kenny, then looks back at Kyle] Look, y-you gave it your best shot, right? That's all you could do. [looks at Kenny, shrugs, and walks away. Kenny walks over, puts his hand on Kyle's shoulder for consolation, then walks away. Cartman looks a bit concerned, walks over to Kyle... and taunts him!]
Cartman:Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa! [No response. Cartman can't get a rise out of Kyle] Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time.
Kyle:I know. I deserve it.
Cartman:Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't play basketball!
Kyle:You're right. [this disarms Cartman completely, and he walks away] Jesus, that was fun...
[Henry's Supermarket, day. A normal shopping day until...]
Man:[bursts through the main entrance] Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe it!
Randy:Believe what?
Man:It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr. Garrison! He- He's a woman now! [the doors open again and Mr. Garrison struts in with a new womanly body and purse. He strikes a pose to show off his womanly ass. From here on, he's Mrs. Garrison]
Mrs. Garrison:Hello everybody! [everyone is shocked. She goes further into the store and approaches two female shoppers] Can you believe it ladies? I'm one of YOU now! [hugs them, then heads to the Feminine Hygiene aisle] Wow, just look at all these tampons! Regular, heavy flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till I get my first period! [trots off.]
[The ladies' restroom, moments later. Mrs. Garrison enters humming and takes an empty spot along the sinks.]
Mrs. Garrison:Hi gals! [opens her purse and begins putting on makeup] Oh boy, can you believe the sales they're havin' out there? Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time. [hugs them] Give us a hug. Girls' Club! [lets them go and goes into a stall, closes the door, drops her pants and sits down. She urinates. The two ladies at the sink look at each other, then towards the stall] Oh wow! This is great! Look at that, I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty dignified little woman! [begins to fart and poop. The women's jaws drop] Sany, any of you ladies wanna go see a sad movie together? [The women present leave the restroom one by one: the blonde first, then the one with light brown hair, then the one exiting the stall left of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose, then the one exiting the stall right of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose. The farting and pooping is just too much] You guys try those new wings tampons? Do those work well?
[South Park, day. A Souith Park Charter Transit bus stops and lets Stan and his friends off. Kyle walks ahead of them in gloomy silence]
Stan:Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So you aren't built right for basketball.
Kyle:But I feel like a basketball player. That's all I wanna do. [Mrs. Garrison appears before them]
Mrs. Garrison:Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher! Mrs. Garrison! [her fingers are fanned out and she strikes that pose again. The boys are stunned]
Cartman:You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.
Mrs. Garrison:[moving her hands over her body as if shedding a layer of skin] I had a sex-chamge operation. My penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life! See ya in class! [saunters off]
[Kyle's house, dinnertime. The family is at table eating]
Kyle:Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
Gerald:[taken aback] What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
Kyle:But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?
Ike:Penis!
Gerald:Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my God! [buries his face in his hands]
Ike:Vagina!
Gerald:That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT OF THAT SCHOOL! [sweeps his left arm across the table]
Sheila:Gerald, that is very closed-minded of you! You shouldn't judge people who want to change.
Gerald:He's a teacher! How are we supposed to explain this to our children?!
Sheila:[walks over and stands behind Kyle] It's very simple. [addresses Kyle] You see, Kyle, sometimes a person' outside doesn't reflect who they are on the inside.
Kyle:Yeah. That's right.
Sheila:They feel like they're somebody trapped in another person's body. And so, they can have a surgery [Kyle smiles and passes his hands over parts of his body he'd change] that makes them more into the person they see themselves as. Do you understand?
Kyle:Totally! I totally understand!
Sheila:There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands.
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. Dr. Biber sits behind his desk]
Dr. Biber:So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery.
Kyle:Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be a woman, and you made him into one.
Dr. Biber:Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had a vaginoplasty. Mhm.
Kyle:Well, do you also do other surgeries like that?
Dr. Biber:Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants to be a man. That procedure is called a peniplasty.
Kyle:No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black.
Dr. Biber:...You what?
Kyle:I hate being small and Jewish. I feel like a tall black man.
Dr. Biber:[tries to make sense of this in his mind, then] Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty!
Kyle:Yeah! [big grin]
Stan:Wha-a-a negroplasty??
Dr. Biber:It's a fairly common procedure, really, just the reverse of a caucasioplasty just like Michael Jackson had. Let's take a look here. [Kyle follows Dr. Biber. Stan tails along. Dr. Biber stops and bends down towards Kyle, taking off his hat] What we do is slice your face and peel it back so we can insert now pig-ment producing cells inside. [draws a line along Kyle's forehead and left temple. Stan can't believe what he's seeing] We break the arm bones in several places and put braces to make them longer. [draws lines around the wrists] Now, the knees we need to snap off and fill with small round objects that can cause better movement. [draws two circles around the kneecaps] And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance the genitalia. [draws a circle around the crotch of Kyle's briefs] Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly three thousand dollars.
Stan:Uh excuse me, is this really a good idea?
Dr. Biber:Well, it's a good idea if you wanna be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it.
[Mrs. Garrison's house, night. Mrs. Garrison enters the kitchen carrying groceries. Mr. Slave is at the breakfast table moping]
Mrs. Garrison:Hello, Mr. Slave. [sets them down on the counter] Boy have I been busy. A woman's work is never done. [begins taking the groceries out of the bags] I got some tampons. I should be getting my period really soon. I hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS. [walks over to Mr. Slave hiding something behind his back, and says seductively] Mr. Slave, I got somethin' for us, too. [brings forth a red negligée] Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?
Mr. Slave:No thanks.
Mrs. Garrison:[taken aback] Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave, I wanna try out my new snootch.
Mr. Slave:I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery without even asking me what I thought.
Mrs. Garrison:Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's still me; I just have a vagina instead of a penis.
Mr. Slave:But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!
Mrs. Garrison:Don't you even care that I was suffering? I wasn't happy the way I was!
Mr. Slave:It's great that you feel better, but you never stopped to think about how other people around you would feel!
Mrs. Garrison:Look, we can still be together. All you have to do is stop being gay!
Mr. Slave:How can you say that?! You're gay too!
Mrs. Garrison:I'm not gay! I'm a woman!
Mr. Slave:Oh, Jezuth Christh! [turns around and heads for the front door]
Mrs. Garrison:Oh, so is that it?! [Mr. Slave opens the front door and walks out, leaving it open] You're just gonna walk out?! You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag! [slams his door shut]
[Kyle's house, morning. Kyle runs into the living room with a paper in hand and faces his parents, who are sitting on the sofa. They're both reading the newspaper.]
Kyle:Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change said he can make me tall and black. [they look up. On Gerald's T-shirt is a picture of two dolphins jumping in the air]
Sheila:What??
Kyle:Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery. [shows the paper, which is a picture of ]
Gerald:Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial!
Kyle:[quite excited] Can I have three thousand dollars, Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I??
Sheila:Absolutely not, Kyle!
Kyle:[let donw] But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
Sheila:Yes, but Kyle-
Kyle:Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
Sheila:Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.
Kyle:Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
Sheila:The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going to have negroplasty!
Kyle:But Jews can't play basketball! [this sets Gerald off]
Gerald:Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!!
Kyle:[leaves the room and goes up the stairs, stopping halfway] I'm never speaking to either of you ever again! [continues up the stairs and goes to his room. His door is heard being shut. Gerald looks on as all this happens]
Gerald:[rises and leaves the sofa] Oh, that does it!
Sheila:Where are you going?!
Gerald:[stops by the coat rack next to the front door, grabs his coat and puts it on] That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off! [goes out the front door and slams it shut]
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. Gerald approaches it with a file in hand. He enters Dr. Biber's office and clsoes the door. The doctor is setting behind his desk]
Gerald:Who the hell do you think you are?!
Dr. Biber:Dr. Biber.
Gerald:What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!
Dr. Biber:[leavs his chair and approaches Gerald] Oh, you're Kyle's father.
Gerald:Huh that's right! And I also happen to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you sued for malpractice, and your clinic shut down!!
Dr. Biber:What is that on your shirt?
Gerald:What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins! Why?
Dr. Biber:Ahhh you like dolphins, hm? [puts his hands together in an affectionate way]
Gerald:A b--uh I love dolphins, Ever since I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b- But that has hardly any bearing on what I'm hear to-
Dr. Biber:I can make you one.
Gerald:...What?
Dr. Biber:Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of the head. Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply...
Gerald:[steps aside a little] Make me a... dolphin? [begins to daydream about life as a dolphin.]
Singer:If I could swim with the dolphins, the soft and gentle dolphins...
Why can't I swim with the dolphins?
Gerald:...No. [heads for the door] No, no, it's crazy.
Dr. Biber:There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look on the outside the way they feel on ths inside.
[Girls Gone Wild commercial. In the background is a crowd of men, in the foreground, willing women]
Announcer:It's Girls Gone Wild! [two women stand there looking at the comera, then lift their blouses all of a sudden and giggle. The words "Real Girls!" flash over their breasts] These gilrs will do anything! [another woman looks around, then flashes her breasts. The word "Wild!!" flashes over them. Two other women flash their boos. "Out of Control!" flashes over one woman, "Real Girls!" over the other. Mrs. Garrison sees an opportunity and comes forward to stand next to the women]
Mrs. Garrison:Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do it?! Oh what the hell! [flashes her boobs, which are not bleeped. They're set rather far apart. The other women look at the breasts and leave in disgust] Wooo! Huhuh, wooo!
Men:Awww!
Mrs. Garrison:Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce up and down! [jumps up and down] Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee.
[later, at a bar after the video shoot...]
Mrs. Garrison:[walks up to the bar, which has three women seated at it. One of them is a redhead with short, wavy hair] Oh boy, men will do just about anything to get a look at our tits, won't they? Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But I've been livin' it up ever since, havin' sex with all kinds of different guys! Girl power! [approaches the redhead] You know, the strange thing is, I haven't gotten my period yet. Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?
Redhead:Well, normally, if a woman misses her period, it means she's pregnant.
Mrs. Garrison:...Pregnant? [turns away and walks a bit] Oh my God. Of course. [the women at the bar glance back at him] I haven't gotten to experience a period because... one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up. [turns around and shouts] I'm pregnant, everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an abortion! [leaves the bar]
[Kyle's house, night. Gerald returns home with a walker and a highly altered appearance. He now makes dolphin sounds and has a blowhole and dorsal fin on his back, and his legs have been joined together to make a flipper. His hands havve been altered to look like ventral fins. He walks in the front door. His eyes are black from the alterations and his nose has been elongated.]
Sheila:[seeing the new Gerald] Gerald! What happened to you?!
Gerald:That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila. Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been. [approaches Ike] Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin! [Ike just looks at him]
Sheila:A dolphin?!?!
Gerald:[turns around slowly to face her] Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy with who he is, then who are we to deny hm surgery that will make him feel better about himself? [his left eye twitches twice, each time accompanied by dolphin calls]
Sheila:[distraught] Gerald, this is crazy!
Gerald:I used to think I was crazy. But Dr, Biber told me that there are a lot of other people out there who are transpecies. All I did is change my appearance to look the way I felt... [places his right ventral fin to his heart] here. And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same, he may never be happy. Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila. We owe him understanding! [his blowhole goes off]
[The school bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman work on building a snowman. Butters runs up...]
Butters:Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see!
Stan:What?
Butters:Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro! [runs off. The others follow.]
[Kyle's house, later. Kyle, now tall and black, stands in the front lawn. Around him are Kevin, Clyde, Jason, Tweek, and Craig]
Jason:Wow.
Craig:Can't believe it.
Clyde:Did it hurt?
Kyle:Yeah, but it was totally worth it. [Butters arrives with the other boys]
Stan:Jesus Christ, dude!
Kyle:Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad is even gonna take me back down to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!
Gerald:[at the front door] Come on, Kyle, we should get going!
Kyle:All right, Dad! [trots off]
Stan:Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin?
Cartman:He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin.
[Planned Parenthood, day. In the reception area Mrs. Garrison reads magazines, but sees a woman seated near her.]
Mrs. Garrison:You here for an abortion too? [she blinks] Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm knocked up. Is this doctor any good?
Nurse:Mrs... Garrison?
Mrs. Garrison:Oh, that's me. [rises and follows the nurse in]
[Planned Parenthood OR.]
Mrs. Garrison:Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion. [sits on the chair and puts his feet on the stirrups]
Doctor:...an abortion?
Mrs. Garrison:Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. Now, are you gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out? [a nurse arrives and her jaw drops] ...If you want you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself.
Doctor:Mmister Garrison-
Mrs. Garrison:[correcting him] Mrs. Garrison.
Doctor:Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.
Mrs. Garrison:Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body! [gets up, goes to the nurse, and hugs her] A woman has a right to choose!
Doctor:No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion, because you can't get pergnant.
Mrs. Garrison:But I missed my period.
Doctor:You can't have periods either. [Mrs. Garrison looks surprised] You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb. You don't produce eggs.
Mrs. Garrison:[sits down] You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?
Doctor:N-that's right.
Mrs. Garrison:But I paid five thousand dollars to be a woman. This would mean I I'm not really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
Doctor:Basically, yes.
Mrs. Garrison:...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass.
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. Mrs. Garrison enters the OR as Dr. Biber operates on a woman]
Mrs. Garrison:Hey asshole!
Dr. Biber:Excuse me, I'm performing an operation here!
Mrs. Garrison:You told me you were going to make me into a woman!
Dr. Biber:I gave you a sex change.
Mrs. Garrison:Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month?! You made me into a FREAK is what you did! And I want you to change me back!
Patient:Am I a man yet?
Dr. Biber:Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your organs.
Mrs. Garrison:Why the hell not?!
Dr. Biber:Because I've already used your testicles to fashion new knees for a little boy who wanted to be tall and black.
Mrs. Garrison:You WHAT?!
Dr. Biber:And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.
Mrs. Garrison:Oh you! You're comin' with me right now to find my ball and scrotum right now, Mr. Man! [pulls him out the door by the ear]
[Denver Convention Center, night. "All-State Playoffs. Colorado vs. Wyoming" People crowd into the center. Inside, the two teams are practicing their shots on the court]
Announcer:Welcome to the All-State Basketball Playoffs between the best fourth-grade players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming. [cheers go up and Kyle arrives just in time]
Kyle:[panting] Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready to play.
Coach:Who are you?
Kyle:Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State team now?
Coach:Well, you're tall and black enough. All right, Broflovski, suit up!
Kyle:All right! [turns around and looks up the bleachers] Dad, I can play! [Gerald is on the steps with his walker]
Gerald:All right Kyle! [tries to find a place to sit. An usher walks by] Excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins?
[The school bus stop, day. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are almost finished with their snow man. A car pulls up. Mrs. Garrison and Dr. Biber jump out of the car.]
Mrs. Garrison:Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not at home.
Stan:[points down the road] Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison.
Dr. Biber:He's going to play basketball? Oh my God.
Mrs. Garrison:What?
Dr. Biber:Well, ah I only made him look like he could play basketball. If he actually does it, the testicle in his knees will explode! [Mrs. Garrison realizes instantly where her former testicles are]
Stan:What?! But you made him into a basketball player.
Dr. Biber:No, I just made him look more like one. We have to stop him from playing! Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!
Mrs. Garrison:Oh Jesus! We've gotta get to my balls before Kyle hurts himself! [everyone gets into the car, and the car peels off]
[Denver Convention Center, night. The Star-Spangled Banner is being sung]
Singer:...and the home of the... brave! [the lights come up and everyone cheers. The teams take the floor for the jump ball. The referee tosses the ball up and Colorado #32 taps the ball to his team]
Coach:Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens.
Kyle:I'm a hundred percent ready, coach! [The stitches along his upper chest, arms, and cheeks are seen. The camera pans down to show the bandages on his elbows and knees and the stitches along his legs]
[Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms in the hall. An usher stands nearby]
Gerald:Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom for dolphins?
Usher:We don't... have one.
Gerald:Well where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? I I need a large tank with salt water.
Usher:Ahhh- Too bad?
Gerald:Damnit you people have to make special arrangements for transpecies people like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer!
Usher:You're a lawphin?
[Denver Convention Center, outside, by the entrance. Mrs. Garrison, Dr. Biber and the boys approach the doors]
Usher:Tickets please.
Mrs. Garrison:We don't have tickets!
Security Guard:[appearing next to the usher] Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry.
Mrs. Garrison:Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees and he's in serious danger!
Usher:What?
Mrs. Garrison:[looks past the men and points] My scrotum! [he sees Gerald talking to the usher by the restrooms] That dolphin has my scrotum! Now let us in!
Security Guard:You can't go in, ma'am! [Mrs. Garrison delivers a right hook to the guard and the guard goes down. Mrs. Garrison and the others rush in. The guard gets up and calls for help on his walkie-talkie] We have unauthorized entry on level one!
[Denver Convention Center, courtside. The Colorado team drives to the opposite basket. The coach addresses Kyle]
Coach:All right. Broflovski, you're going in next possession.
Kyle:All right! [stands and feels pain in his knees. He soothes them] Ow. Hm. [goes to the locker room]
[Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms. Mrs. Garrison and the others approach Gerald]
Mrs. Garrison:Gerald, where's Kyle?!
Gerald:What? Why??
Mrs. Garrison:My balls are in his knees. If he jumps with them they'll explode!
Gerald:Oh my God! [Security guards swarm nearby]
Security Guard:There they are, next to that dolphin!
Dr. Biber:Come on, we've gotta get to those balls! [The group rushes into the arena; the guards chase them and open fire]
Security Guard:[the one who tried to stop them at the door] Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar entry fee!
[Denver Convention Center, courtside. Kyle has suited up and now enters the game.]
Announcer:Now substituting for Colorado, number 8, Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle goes in for #11, Owens. Stan and the others run down the steps towards the court, pursued by the guards.]
Stan:Oh Jesus, he's about to play! [Three of the guards get into position at the top of the stariway aisle and start shooting at them. Down by the court Dr. Biber takes a steel trash can and bashes one guard with it]
Gerald:[wrestles another guard over his walker] Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!
Mrs. Garrison:Which one is he?? [camera zoons out to show Colorado taking the ball and driving to the other basket. Kyle isn't seen in the shot. At the other end, Mrs. Garrison tackles a Wyoming player. The crowd gasps]
Wyoming Coach:Hey, what the hell?!
Gerald:Stop the game! [jumps high into the air and mows down a bunch of player upon landing. More gasps from the crowd. The loose ball ends up in Kyle's hands]
Kyle:I got it! I got the ball. [runs to his basket]
Stan:Kyle, NO! [Kyle dribbles and then jumps up towards the basket]
Announcer:Broflovski goes for the dunk!
Mrs. Garrison:NO! [the dunk is shown in smooth slow-motion, as is his next statement] My baaaallllssss. [the ball goes in, Kyle lands back on the floor, his knees bulge, then blow out, spraying testicles matter everywhere. His legs split in two at the knee and he falls backwards. Players on both teams and some of the spectators are hit by bits of testicle. Kyle is unconscious and the Colorado coach screams and runs off]
[Denver Convention Center, outside. The police and paramedics have arrived and Kyle is sitting up on the gurney]
Officer:So let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin.
Stan:Yeah, that's basically it.
Officer:Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, let's head 'em out! [the police leave]
Dr. Biber:I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told you the surgery was cosmetic only.
Gerald:So, does this mean I'm not really a dolphin?
Dr. Biber:Let's get you two up to the clinic and I'll change you back, for a nominal fee.
Kyle:But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't go back.
Mrs. Garrison:[thinks about that for a long moment] You know what? I'm okay. Even though I'm not truly a woman, I think I still like the new me. I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. [newly confident] Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman! Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!
[End of Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina.]