Episode 902 - Die Hippie, Die

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Butters
Elderly Woman
Hippies
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Steven and Linda Stotch
Mayor McDaniels
Principal Victoria
Mrs. Garrison
Mr. Mackey
Officer Barbrady
Chef
Jimbo
Singers, announcers, reporters, anchorman, MC
Guards at City Hall and the Jam Band Festival


[An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is carrying a tank of something on his back]
Cartman:Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies.
Elderly Woman:Hippies?
Cartman:[walks in and begins to rap the walls with his fist] Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies. [raps on the wall and the pitch changes] Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic?
[The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight, turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds.]
Cartman:Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am. [she climbs up until her eyes are level with his] See that? Hippies. [five hippies are sitting in a clearing in the attic, smoking and laughing.]
Elderly Woman:Oh my.
Cartman:These are what we call the uh giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippie, usually found in the attics. Problem is, if you see one hippie, there's probably a whole lot more you're not seein'. Uh, whe-where's the backyard.
[The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks out onto the back porch]
Cartman:Yep, that's what I thought. See that? You've got a drum circle in your backyard. [eight hippies are seen seated around a small cmapfire drumming away. Logs are scattered around them]
Elderly Woman:Oh, well they showed up a few days ago, but I didn't think they were hurting anything.
Cartman:Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson county. He had a little drum circle in his backyard. It turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter. You get a few hippies playing drums and next thing you know, you got yourself a colony.
Elderly Woman:Oh dear.
[back inside the house]
Elderly Woman:Oh, well, so, so what do I do?
Cartman:[goes back to rapping the walls, then stops] Well, your attic could be so we can fumigate with polymerethane. The drum circle we're gonna have to gas. [raps again. The wall begins to crack and he steps aside. A hippie breaks through and falls to the floor. Cartman says under his breath] Goddamnit! [pulls out a fire extiguisher from his backpack]
Hippie 1:[dazed and confused, coughing] Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm so high.
Cartman:Goddamn hippie! [opens fire. Foam spews out from the extinguisher]
Hippie 1:Whoa, dude!
Cartman:Get out of here!
Hippie 1:Not cool! [stands up and loods at Cartman] What's up?! [runs off]
Cartman:Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-cricle hippies RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract something much worse!
Elderly Woman:Ooooo.what's that?
Cartman:The college know-it-all hippies.
[The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car]
Driver:[wearing green jacket] Wow, my friend Brittany was right. This is a really laid-back place.
Woman 1:[wearing tan jacket] Yeah, this will be a great place to spend spring break. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach them]
Kyle:Hey, let's ask them. [the boys are wearing shoulder totes with magazines peeking out from them.]
Stan:All right. [the two parties meet] 'Scuse me. [holds out a clipboard] Hello, we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice?
Driver:Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing that. Don't you know what you're doing to the world?
Kyle:Wha- whataya mean?
Man 1:[wearing a guitar over his back] You're playing into the corporate game! See, the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmanns so that they can make money. [the other man is busily eating chips]
Stan:Who are the corporations?
Woman 2:[a blonde with a psychedelic fish on her shirt] The corporations run the entire world. And now they fooled you into working for them.
Stan:Are you serious?? We never heard that.
Driver:We just spent our first semester at college. Our professors opened our eyes. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich.
Kyle:Ugh! Those dirty liars!
Kenny:(Sonofabitch!) [throws down his shoulder tote]
Man 2:[has finished his chips] This is a really nice town you have here. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down.
Stan:Well... Well what do we do?
Driver:Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told. [Man 2 resumes eating chips]
[Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there and one of them pounds the door to get out]
Hippie 2:[wearing a headband] It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now!
Cartman:[opens the door real quick and tosses another hippie down the stairs] All right, in you go.
Hippie 2:What are you doing, man?!
Hippie 3:[wearing a V-neck sweater] Let us out! [the throng advances up the stairs]
Cartman:Get back. Get back or you're all gonna get maced! [the throng backs down]
Hippie 2:What's up, man?! You can't keep us down here like this!
Hippie 4:[with straight long hair] What's wrong with you?!
Cartman:What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why!
Hippie 5:[wearing a thin headband] What makes you think you could tell us where to live?!
Hippie 6:This is a free country, man!
Cartman:Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right? Just go with it.
Hippie 3:Just go with it? We've been down here for days!
Cartman:And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right? Here, here's some joints [tosses a bunch of joints down to the hippies], and a guitar! [tosses that down as well and shuts the door. He then tocks it and sets a large beam across the door, then walks away. The hippies are left there, coughing. One of them takes the guitar and sings]
Singer:What's goin' on in this world o'mine?
There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine.
Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...
[Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a peace sign]
Stan:Sign, sign everywhere. Sign
Done something to my mind.
Sharon:[peeks out through the sliding doors] Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come?
Stan:Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fatcats to imprison you into a life of servitude. I've got some stuff you should read.
Sharon:Okay, sweetie.
[City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town sitting on either side.]
Mayor McDaniels:All right, people, we can move onto issue number 14B.
Chef:[Secretary of Public Safety] Mayor, we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads!
Linda Stotch:[City Clerk and Treasurer] We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now.
Gerald:[City Attorney] We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands.
Chef:We- [a struggle is heard in the hall and the council members turn to see what it is. The door opens and Cartman rushes in, roughed up]
Guard:You can't go in there!
Cartman:Please, I have to talk to you all right now!
Mayor McDaniels:Kid, we're have a city council meeting.
Cartman:Mayor, something very big is happening, and if you all don't give me a moment of your time, there may be no more South Park to council over!
Randy:[Secretary of Parks and Public Grounds] What are you talking about?
Cartman:I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it. [some surprise is seen among the council members] For the past several days I've been... noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town. [puts a laptop on the table and turns it on] At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. [pulls a projector towards the laptop] Then I saw this... [connects the projector to the laptop, and the projector turns on. Everyone then looks at the screen. Cartman goes to it and points a few things out] Three new drum circles have sprouted up here, here, and here. They're all growing in diameter, at a rate of two hippies per hour. What this means... is that the hippies are conglomerating. They'er thriving, if you will. I think that they're setting up for a... [close-up]. hippie music festival.
Linda:A what?
Cartman:Ti's, it's simple science. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in. With the right weather conditions and topography, it can lead to a music festival. One that last for days, even weeks. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man, they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now. In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen. [the adults don't get it, Cartman sighs heavily]
Mayor McDaniels:Kid, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman:I know hippies. I've hated them all my life. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own since I was five and a half. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. We have to do something, fast!
Mr. Mackey:Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about potholes right now, m'kay.
Cartman:It's not potholes you need to worry about. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of.
Mayor McDaniels:Johnson, get him out of here. [Johnson rises and goes for Cartman]
Cartman:What are you doing?! [Johnson hauls him away] You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug! [he disappears from view, but peeks in one last time] The town is in serious danger! [Johnson returns to close the door]
[A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on it]
Driver:You see, the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind.
Stan:Right, so how do we get back at them?
Kyle:Yeah, we're pissed off.
Driver:Well, so my idea was this: Let's have like a weeklong music festival, draw everyone here, and then together, we can tear it all down. [foam appears out of nowhere and covers the hippie driver] Whoa, what the hell?! [Cartman appears]
Cartman:I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to our basement!
Kyle:Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman:[stops and thinks through what he just heard, then turns around] Oh Jesus, not you guys? [approaches Stan and checks him out] What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!
Stan:[alarmed] NO!
Cartman:Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been comprimised, I'll have no problem taking you out! I'll expect the same from you. [the hippie that wore the guitar over his shoulder approaches the boys]
Man 1:What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann. [Cartman sprays mace on him and he cries out in pain]
Woman 2:Oh my God!
Man 2:What the hell are you doing?! [a police car pulls up in the background and Officer Barbrady steps out of the car. He comes for Eric]
Cartman:Everybody get in a single-file line!
Officer Barbrady:There you are!
Cartman:Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival, just as I predicted.
Officer Barbrady:Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.
Cartman:What?
Officer Barbrady:I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement.
Cartman:You let them out?! Jesus, we have to find them!
Officer Barbrady:Oh no, you're coming downtown! [hauls Cartman away to the police cruiser]
Cartman:No! No, we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay! [Barbrady puts him in the passenger seat, then gets into the driver's seat and peels away]
Driver:Who was that?
[South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused]
Cartman:What did I do?!
Officer Barbrady:You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.
Cartman:They're not people, they're HIPPIES!
Mayor McDaniels.:Is this problem under control?
Officer Barbrady:I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.
Cartman:[walks to his cell door] Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a massive jam band concert!
Mayor McDaniels:I know. I signed the permit.
Cartman:[stepe back, stunned] You... You what?
Mayor McDaniels:I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Their little "festival" should pump some money into our economy.
Cartman:They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?!
Mayor McDaniels:They don't have to know. I can sign whatever permit I want!
Cartman:You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! [Cartman snaps] That kid really needs some psychiatric help.
Officer Barbrady:Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels:All right, let's go.
Cartman:[quickly composes himself] How much money is enough, Mayor?! How many people's lives it it all worth?! GODDAMNED HIPPIE!
[Breaking News]
Announcer:This is a South Park News special report! [a crowd scene is shown beside the anchorman]
Anchorman:Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man. [the crowd scene fills the screeen and the MC comes up to the main mic. The stage is set up solidly, with speakers ]
MC:All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005! [the crowd raises a cheer] Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world! [more cheering follows]
Stan:Yeah!
Kyle:You said it!
MC:For too long, the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we'reg onna start right now. [launches into a jam with his band. The college hippies are in the audience]
Man 1:[coughs] Oh man, I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmanns' faces when they hear this crunchy groove. [goes back to smoking pot]
[The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the kitchen]
Randy:Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?
Sharon:He went with his friends to that music festival.
Randy:Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that kid?!
Sharon:Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s.
Randy:Yeah, but when we did it we actually stood for something. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something there.
[Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian. Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and throws up.]
Sharon:You ate too much acid, man! [she resumes dancing and slips onto the vomit, face up. Randy pounces on her and starts banging her, sort of. They still have their clothes on.]
[Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity would be seen these days...]
Sharon:...Oh my God. Our son is with those people.
Randy:[panics] S-stan. STAAAN!
[Breaking News]
Announcer:This is South Park News!
Anchorman:Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow. [live footage is shown] They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight.
Reporter:Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. We don't know where this music festival came from, but, it's very close to consuming us all.
[Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV as they watch the news brief.]
Linda:Steven, what do we do?
[Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams. A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy is seen looking for his son]
Randy:[frantic] Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through, please! [Jimbo approaches him]
Jimbo:[restrains Randy] Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!
Randy:My son is in there! Duh-uh! [breaks away from Jimbo and disappears among the hippies. He raches a clearing] Stan?! [the marijuana smoke is too much for him. He coughs harshly] Stan! Stan!
Male hippie:Heey, chill man. It's all good.
Female hippie:Have some water laced with acid.
Randy:Sta-ogh. Ugh! [he falls to the ground gagging, then gets into a fetal position and passes out]
[City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window.]
Mayor McDaniels:What have I done?
MC:Yeah, South Park is now the hippie capital of the world! [a loud cheer rises from the crowd. The Mayor raises her right arm. In her hand is gun. She points it at her temple. the camera moves to the right, the gun goes off, and bits of brain, skull, and blood hit the wall to the right. Her body is heard dropping to the floor]
[South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.]
Mr. Mackey:Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?
Cartman:[gets off his bed] Great, I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it.
Randy:Eric, you were right. About the hippies. Could you... get rid of them for us now?
Cartman:[angered] Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival.
Sheila:We we need to take care of them, Eric! They're out of control!
Cartman:[a bit resentful] Forget it. [turns his back on them and walks back to his bed]
Randy:Please. Some of our kids are in there. We should've listened to you earlier.
Chef:Yeah. We apologise.
Jimbo:Please. Don't let them ruin our town.
Cartman:It's too late! Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now!
Mr. Mackey:We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart. Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay?
Randy:We're just asking you to try. The whole town even got together and, and baked you a cake. [Sheila presents a cake, and Randy helps out. The cake sayd Eric on it]
Cartman:[turns away again] Don't think that you can buy me with presents! ...Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.
Randy:[thinks a moment] It's yours.
Cartman:I want the batteries for it too. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot.
Principal Victoria:Fine.
Jimbo:Anything else?
Cartman:Yes. [turns around] Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous!
Sheila:Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle, but we we can't make him watch you play th- [Rand nudges her hard] Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you.
Cartman:All right, fine. But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before, so I'm gonna need every resource this town has! And even if I don't succeed, and it's a million-to-one shot that I will, I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and get super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?! [The adults just look back at him]
[The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera has to pull back a loooong way to get it all into view. The boys are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing reggae music.]
Driver:Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude, I need more weed.
Stan:So it seems like we have enough people now. When do we start taking down the corporations?
Man 1:[take a deep drag from his joint] Yeah man, the corporations. Right now they're raping the world for money!
Kyle:Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get 'em.
Man 2:Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. We don't need money. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other.
Man 1:Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread. A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety.
Stan:You mean like a baker and a cop?
Man 2:No no, can't you imagine a place where people live together and like, provide services for each other in exchange for their services?
Kyle:Yeah, it's called a town.
Driver:You kids just haven't been to college yet. But just you wait, this thing is about to get HUGE.
[Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various pictures on a tabloid-size book]
Cartman:All right, everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick.
Randy:[closes his eyes] My God...
Cartman:In less than three days, all of South Park will be completely consumed. My only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here. [points to the stage] If we can reach the stage, we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system. [shows off a CD-R of Slayer music] Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all.
Jimbo:Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant flaw. That hippie crowd is massive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage?
Cartman:We drill. [flips the page and a blueprint appears.] I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside.
Steven:Yuh... actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob?? It's a suicide mission!
Cartman:Not just somebody. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientest, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.
Randy:I'm the... only scientist in town.
Linda:I'm your engineer.
Steven:Honey, no!
Linda:I have to do it, Steven.
Cartman:All right, then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [he looks around, panning by Chef once] Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see... [his gaze passes Chef again] Oh, I know. How about- [his gaze falls upon Chef and stays there]
Chef:Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!
Steven:I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. This is a crazy plan!
Randy:You got a better ides, Steven?! Damnit, my son is in there!
Cartman:There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look, it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we- [his face is distorted. Moments later he sneezes and his face is normal again.] got.
[The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle]
[New report]
Reporter:Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where a desparate attempt to save the town is underway. Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival. [Cartman's team enters through the doors of Bay 2]
Ramdu:Well I... guess this is it, Sharon.
Sharon:Please, save our boy, Randy.
Linda:Butters, if anything happens to Mommy, I, I want you to be a good boy.
Butters:Ah I will, Mom.
Chef:[with two ladies crying on his shoulders] Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's gonna be fine.
Cartman:I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog. [his plush toy sits on a chair] Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had. [smiles, wipes a tear from his eye, and joins the rest of the crew into the hippie digger. They turn to wave at the townsfolk, who cheer and wave back. Some people take pictures]
Sheila:Look out for yourselves!
Mrs. Garrison:Godspeed! [the crew finally enters the digger and closes the door]
[Inside the digger]
Cartman:Primary engine running?
Randy:Check.
Cartman:Navigation systems?
Linda:Online
Cartman:Let's punch this baby. [the digger rolls off its platform] We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. Hang on. [the digger lunges into the crowd, tossing hippies left and right, maybe killing a few in the process. Inside, the crew is jostled about] Reaching hippie crowd. Hull status?
Randy:Vehicle shell holding! [the digger continues clearing a path towards the stage]
[A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]
Jimbo:They're in!
Townsfolk:All right! All right, yeah! We did it!
Mayor McDaniels:[appears with a bandage around her head] All right, people, let's save it! [blood stains are seen on the bandage over both temples. The suicide attempt failed] They still have a long way to go!
[The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting on throw rugs. They're bored.]
Stan:All right, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage!
Kyle:You're doing what?
Guard:[an old hippie] Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo, woo! [smokes his joint. The digger lurches on. A long shot shows the path the digger is taking]
[Inside the digger]
Cartman:Switching to secondary fuel line. [warning lights begin to flash and warning sounds are heard] What's that?
Randy:The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies. [the digger stalls and dies]
[The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]
Mayor McDaniels:What's happened?
Mr. Mackey:They, they s- they stopped. Somethin's wrong.
Steven:Jesus... they're dead in the water. [no motion from the digger.]
[The music festival. The digger is dead. Stan approaches the mic]
Stan:Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing? [the crowd quiets down] It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something?
A hippie:We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! [the crowd cheers]
Stan:Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should lookt at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long?
Singer:He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing. [the band starts up again. They missed his point entirely. Stan just turns right and walks away]
[Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again.]
Cartman:Come on, come on!
Linda:It's useless. The main power line has been shut down.
Randy:Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters.
Cartman:No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out there!
Chef:...I didn't volunteer!
Cartman:...All right, fine Chef, go!
Chef:...Aw damnit! [rises from his seat and opens the digger door, facing an atmosphere think with marijuana smoke. He climbs down, coughing pretty hard]
[The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command]
Mayor McDaniels:That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke the crowd!
Steven:Goddamnit no! Y-you have to give them more time!
[The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something, but what it is we don't hear.]
Stan:Dude, these people have no idea what's going on. Let's get out of here.
Kyle:We can't. Kenny just checked. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us.
Stan:What?? You mean, we're stuck here listening to this crap? [the stage is shown. All of a sudden the digger smashes into it, stopping the festival in its tracks. The crowd looks towards the stage]
Man 2:Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?
Man 1:More tunes. More tunes! [the digger's door opens and the crew steps out]
Linda:We made it, We made it!
Cartman:Hit the PA system NOW! [the crew goes over to it] Put me in the main line! [Randy turns and shoves an unconscious man at the controls off and gathers some cords]
Randy:Which cord is it?
Cartman:You're the scientist, jackass!
Randy:I'm a geologist!
Linda:We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us!
Randy:Nyugh!
Cartman:Put them in my laptop! [Randy connects one of the cords to the laptop. Cartman selects a song from the Slayer CD he put in the CD-ROM drive: "Raining Blood" He clicks "Play" and the song blasts forth from the stage speakers. The crowd listens for a while, then begins to disperse.]
A hippie:Oh man, not cool.
Hippie 3:[covers his hears and walks off] This music is so angry.
Man 2:This is killing my buzz.
Man 1:Let's bail on this whole angry scene. [the college hippies move off]
Randy:It's working!
Linda:What?
Randy:It's, it's working!
[The command center.]
Mrs. Garrison:We did it! We did it! [the townsfolk cheer and hug each other]
[The music festival. Stan sees his father]
Stan:Dad!
Randy:Stan! [they run up to each other and hug. Nearby, Chef comes to and sits up]
Chef:I'm alive! [Kyle walks around aimlessly, but Cartman spots him]
Cartman:Hold it right there, Kyle! [Cartman has a small dagger in its sheath. He pulls it out]
Kyle:Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us.
Cartman:Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger plans for you now.
[South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another]
Cartman:Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee! [offers the remote control] Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with it a little while. [Kyle rises and takes a few steps, but Cartman withdraws the offer] Oh, psych! You don't get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!
[End of Die Hippie, Die.]