The Guest Stars of
"Trapped In The Closet"
by Wild Willie Westwood
Kelly, Brian and Mike, Michelle
Kelly is seated with another recruiter at a table outside the Scientology Center when Stan passes by the table. She invites Stan in and shows him around the center before she hands him off to Brian for a personality test. Brian (left) quizzes Stan for over an hour and finally tells him he's quite depressed. Brian suggests auditing for Stan, for $240. Stan gets the money out of his bike fund and returns to the center. Kelly takes him in and introduces him to Michelle, who takes the $240 nominal fee from Stan and gives him a quick tour through the center, explaining a bit about Scientology. She then takes him to the auditing room and uses an E-meter to test his thetan levels, which are measured in OTn, in which n is a number from 1 to 9, and Stan scores an OT9, which only one other person in the history of Scientology has achieved - L. Ron Hubbard himself. She calls Brian over to verify the score, and he can't believe it either. They try three other E-meters and get the same result each time. Brian looks for Mike (right) and shows him the results. Mike urges Brian to tell the president about this, which Brian does.
President, church leaders
Scientologists, Xenu
The president, upon learning the results, declares that L. Ron Hubbard had returned and been reincarnated, as he said he would, and he and the leaders go to Stan's house to talk to him. A crows of Scientologists gathers outside waiting for the church leaders to arrive. A helicopter arrives and drops them off, and they talk to Stan and his parents. The president asks Stan if he wants to know the secret of Scientology. Stan says OK and his parents are sent out of the kitchen. The president tells Stan the secret, including the story of Xenu's annihilation of other aliens in his galaxy and subsequent reprogramming of their souls, and asks him to continue where L. Ron left off - writing new doctrines for the church to follow. Stan takes to this with gusto. When the president reads the new doctrines, he's pleased until he gets to the section in which church members are no longer obliged to give the church any money. The president is pissed and tries to impress on Stan the importance of money in the church's scam. Stan pretends to understand and later goes back on that understanding when he's outside introducing the new doctrines. The president, church leaders, Scientologists, and celebrity members all vow to sue Stan. Stan finally accepts their challenge.
Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, John Travolta, R. Kelly
Tom Cruise sneaks into Stanley's room and is awed that he's in the presence of the reincarnated prophet, L. Ron Hubbard. He wants L. Ron to tell him how he feels about his acting. Stan tells him it's not as good as even Jon Heder's, but it's okay. Cruise was hoping for higher praise, but, not getting it, he runs into the closet and locks himself in there. Randy tries to get him out after Stan tells his father that Cruise is in there. Nicole Kidman tries to get him out, but fails, so Stan has to continue writing the new church doctrines at the kitchen table. John Travolta tries to get him out, but Cruise won't come out, so Travolta goes in... and finds it comfortable, like Cruise did. R. Kelly is outside with the crowd and talks to the field reporter twice. Each time, R. Kelly pulls out a gun and everyone scatters. The police think this might be a good idea, so they take R. Kelly upstairs to Stan's room and have him try to get Cruise and Travolta out of the closet. R. Kelly pulls out his gun and the police and family run down the stairs. R. Kelly counts to three, threatening to shoot Cruise and Travolta through the door if they don't come out. The door opens on 3 and R. Kelly goes in. Later on, he emerges with Cruise and Travolta, with his left hand over his right upper arm and shoulder, as if he were injured by them in the closet.