George and Laura Bush
Maggie
Princess
Karl Rove
Felix Harris, fetus and Pro-Life leader
Joyce Mathers, Pro-Choice leader
Larry, a neighbor
| [Intro: A maid sits on the sofa when a woman in a red dress opens the front door and enters joyfully into the living room. The maid sits up to talk to her.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Maid: | Wooowww!! Look at you, Mrs. Bush, you look like a hooker! [grins] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mrs. Bush: | I do?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Maid: | [correcting herself] Oh no, I mean an expensive, high-class hooker. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mrs. Bush: | [flattered] Oh! Why thanks, Maggie. [shows off her new red dress] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mr. Bush: | [descending the stairs to the living room, he looks] Goood mornin'! [continues down to the floor and looks again] Wow! There she iiis! [Mrs. Bush smiles and walks towards him. He walks in her dierction, but they pass by each other. Maggie stands up] How's my beautiful girl?! [he walks towards a dog on his armchair. Mrs. Bush turns around and glares at him caressing the dog.] Yeah, that's my baby- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mrs. Bush: | George! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| George Bush: | [looks over his right shoulder and rises a bit, then rubs his nose with the right wrist] Oh hi, Laura. Where'd you come from? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Maggie: | [to Mrs. Bush] Please tell me you didn't vote for him. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mrs. Bush: | George. [he looks back again and recognizes her. She tries to get an answer out of him by being more seductive] D'ya notice anything different about me? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| George: | [rises slowly as he looks at her, then] Oh, ahhh. Ahhh...
| Mrs. Bush: | ...Well?
| George: | Well, uuuh, d'ya gain some weight?
| Mrs. Bush: | [looking hurt] George!
| George: | [soothing, then approachng] Oho, cone on, Laura. Don't you know that the scariest thing a man can hear is a "notice anything different about me?"
| Laura Bush: | I had my nails done, my eyebrows waxed, and I took an eighth of an inch off my hair. [cuddling up to George] I wanted to look extra-pretty for our dinner tonight.
| George: | What dinner? [Laura looks at him disappointed, and he realizes his error] Oh, the dinenr I know about, that dinner! Our dinner. The one I pretended to forget about just now! Hah, gotcha! [moves past Laura, who's still mad at him]
| Laura: | George, [he turns around and returns to Laura] I know you're busy bein' President, but it's important to me that we finally have some intimate time alone. [they hold hands]
| George: | Oh hey now, it's important to me too. [self-assured] We're gonna have the best night since we came to D.C.!
| Laura: | [satisfied] Oooh, thank you George, you're the best. [tongue-in-cheek] Even if you are a clueless bastard sometimes.
| George: | Ohoho! One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna [makes a fist with his right hand] Punch You in the Face! [relaxes the fist and laughs]
| [The White House, front lawn view, day]
| [The Oval Office. George sits behind the executive desk and begins to speak]
| George: | My fellow Americans. This week I plan to unite our country and bring both sides of the abortion issue together, [his speech is shown on a TelePrompTer - he's reading from it] in a historic summit. [a small television crew and some staffers are present] Abortion is very serious! Very personal issue! And let me assure all of you that tomight you promised to have dinner with Laura! [a balding man and a young blonde quickly look at the TelePrompTer text, then back at Bush.] I mean, [rises from the chair] let me assure you that I, I'll do my best. Good night. [leaves the desk]
| [The living room. Laura is cleaning up a bit when George enters the room]
| George: | Laura, you have to stop putting reminder messages to me in the TelePrompTer!
| Laura: | [pauses from her work] I just don't want you to forget our dinner plans, and you don't have time to talk to me.
| George: | I'm talkin' to you now.
| Laura: | [gets cozy] Alright, Fine. I was thinkin'-
| Blonde: | [enters the living room jogging breathlessly] Mr. President! Mr. President! [stops next to Bush and holds up a portable electronic device] Mr. President, I was reviewing your schedule in my Palm Pilot, and realized you only have ten minutes to save the Earth from the Zinthians.
| George: | ...That's not a Palm Pilot, Princess, that's a Game Boy.
| Princess: | Oh. Of course it is. Oh wait, then what's this? [holds up a sandwich]
| George: | That's a cheeseburger!
| Princess: | Oh...
| George: | Come on, Princess, let's have another review session. [points her to another room and takes her there. Laura turns around and sees Maggie enter. Maggie walks towards a desk]
| Laura: | Maggie, you've worked in the White House for how many years?
| Maggie: | Oh, hell, since the Secret Service wore bell bottoms. [shakes her head in happy recollection and then starts scribbling on a notepad]
| Laura: | George is so busy bein' President, I feel like nobody pays attention to me!
| Maggie: | Yehp yep yep, pretty soon you'll start to feel like nobody pays attention to ya.
| Laura: | Huh?
| Maggie: | [looks at her] Wha?
| Laura: | I'm sayin' I'm worried about my marriage.
| Maggie: | [walks to a TV and starts dusting it off] You're having First-Lady Syndrome. Oh, sure, they all go through it.
| Laura: | Well, uh what did other first ladies do?
| Maggie: | It's easy. When your husband is President you can consider your marriage over. So you find a pet cause. Hide your broken heart behind an agenda like... Say No To Drugs. Helping burn victims or the homeless.
| Laura: | No!! I believe in my marriage! I'm gonna resist the urge to help the homeless burn victims and make my marriage work!
| Maggie: | Good for you!! [Laura nods vigorously in agreement]
| [The Oval Office. A large cake is shown saying ABORTION SUMMIT 2001. Above and to the left is a red helmet with the words PRO LIFE underneath it. Above and to the right is a blue helmet with the words PRO CHOICE underneath it. The camera backs up to reveal the balding man, George and Princess standing around the cake.]
| George: | Look at that, Karl! An abortion cake, a fondue set. Aww, this summit's gonna kick butt! What do you think?
| Karl: | [the balding man] Honestly, Mr. President, I think the whole abortion dinner party idea is a little... gay. The head of the Pro Life and the head of Pro Choice are both very strong personalities. You put them in a room together, it could be highly volatile.
| Geroge: | Oho, that's what you said about the NFL and the XFL. [strides to his desk] I united them! Huh? And what about the Heat Miser and the Snow Miset? Huh? Didn't you see how they finally found a way to get along?
| Karl: | [in a low voice] Yes, Mr. President, I... viewed the briefing tape you gave me.
| Geroge: | Just imagine it, Karl. Big, glossy color photo on the cover of every magazine. Leader of Pro Life, Leader of Pro Choice, and they're shakin' hands and I'm in the middle! The little fondue set off on the side.
| Karl: | We're Republicans! We don't like the Pro Choice people, remember?
| George: | But I'm a uniter, Karl! [sits in his chair and get comfortable] Tomorrow night I'm gonna make uniter history.
| Karl: | Tomorrow night? Well, you had us schedule the summit for tonight.
| George: | [jumps up] Whoa nonono! I asked ya for tomorrow night!
| Princess: | No, you said yesterday you wanted to schedule it for the day after tomorrow.
| George: | That's right.
| Princess: | But it's today now!
| George: | So it should be tonorrow!
| Princess: | ...Oh! Tomorrow keeps tricking me! [turns around and jogs out of the office]
| George: | I can't make the summit tonight, Karl. I have a dinner date with Laura-
| Karl: | Well it's too late! The head of Pro Life, Felix Harris, is on his way here, and from what understand, he's a freak!
| George: | What kind of freak?
| Karl: | Well, apparently he was aborted thirty years ago, he managed to survive and now he is BITTER, He is ANGRY, and he hates to be cancelled on.
| George: | Oh boy. Laura's gonna be mad. [snaps his fingers] I know. Maybe I can trick her into moving the date. [gets a michievous look on his face] Yeah. I can trick her!
| [The White House living room. Laura sits at the desk and chats with Maggie. George enters]
| George: | [walks up to her, then leans down] Laura, honey, you don't really wanna have dinner this evenin', do ya?
| Laura: | Yes, George, I really really do.
| George: | [stands up, turns around, and walks away] Damn. That didn't work.
| Maggie: | So he's trying to cancel your dinner-date tonight.
| George: | Now Maggie, you stay out of this! [Maggie moves off to the sofa, George returns to Laura] Laura, somethingn political has come up.
| Maggie: | Told you he'd say that, didn't I? [George rises, looks around, then leans down again]
| George: | Laura, it's just that being President
| George, Maggie: | [she anticipates his next words] is harder than you can possibly imagine. [George rises and looks at Maggie]
| Maggie: | Yehp yep yep yep.
| George: | [leans down again] Laura, I have to put the country
| George, Maggie: | ahead of our interests.
| George: | [stands up and faces Maggie] Will you stop that?! [walks up to her] Don't you have some ...laundry to do?!
| Maggie: | Oh! You're right. I've got to do like your father did and separate the whites from the coloreds. [walks off in a huff]
| George: | Well at least he believed in somethin'!
| Laura: | [rises from her chair] You cancelled on me seventeen times. Can't you cancel this one thing for me?
| George: | Hunh, Laura, it isn't that simple! Huh but- you have no idea what is goin' on!
| Tour Guide: | [off-screen] ...And this is the main room of the White Hosue. [George turns around as the group enters the living room] Oh, here you can see the President and the First Lady having an argument about his commetment to their marriage.
| George: | [he and Laura wave hello] Hi kids. [to the guide] Can we not do this right now?
| Tour Guide: | Alright, let's move on to the next room. Mr. President doesn't like spending time with school children. [turns and goes to the next room]
| School Kids: | BOOOO! [they follow her out. George relaxes]
| Laura: | George, you said that even if you became President, your family would still come first.
| George: | Alright, Laura, I'll keep my dinner-date with ya.
| Laura: | You will.
| George: | Mhm.
| Laura: | Oh! Thank you, George. It means a lot to me. ]they kiss]
| George: | [looking defeated] I am such a pussy.
| Laura: | [watches as he leaves] That's mah Bush.
| [A room upstairs. Karl Rove runs in panicked, shuts the door, and holds on to both sides of the door frame.]
| George: | Karl, we're gonna have to move the abortion summit.
| Karl: | Oh we can't. The head of the Pro Life organization is already here.
| George: | Oh boy, well, I'm just gonna have to ...tell him that we're gonna have to reschedule.
| Karl: | Hold on! Remember when I told ya... this guy was aborted thirty years ago and he was a freak? Well, I should have wiggled my fingers, trilled my r's and said frrrrreeeak! He never really developed. He survivied eating ants, and mice, and...
| George: | And who?
| Karl: | Oh boy!
| George: | Whattay mean? He's kind of like a... midget?
| Karl: | [pause] Worse... than a midget.
| George: | Worse than a midget?!! [Karl motions vigorously for George to be quiet, then opens the door to the Oval Office. Bush strides in]
| Karl: | Alrighty everyone, meet Mr. Bush. The President. [giggles. Bush walks to his desk] Mr. President, meet Mr. ... Harris. [Bush looks at man wearing a pass around his neck. The man shakes his head and points down.]
| Felix: | [the fetus, seated on a chair wearing blue trunks] Mr. President, it's a pleasure to meet you. [George is speechless, managing to let out only a few groans] Huh? I didn't quite catch that.
| Karl: | [nervously] The, uh, President welcomes you to the White House.
| Felix: | The President. Uh, Mr. President? Where is he?
| Aide: | He's right in front of you, Mr. Harris.
| Felix: | Uh, I'm honored to attend your summit on behalf of all those who have survived abortion.
| George: | Oh. Well how many of you are there?
| Felix: | Uh, just two. Me and Cher. [George and Karl look at each other]
| George: | Well, Mr. Harris, we're very happy to have you here. I just wonder if I could ask one favor about the dinner tonight?
| Felix: | Name it!
| George: | [walks around the desk and squats down to Felix's level] Can we push the dinner to tomorrow night?
| Felix: | What?! I crawled all the way over here and now you want to cancel?!
| George: | [in a low voice] This dinner, it it's supposed to be formal, and so, if you could just see-
| Felix: | No! I'm sorry, I can't see because my eyes weren't developed and so they're sealed shut! [George has a fixed grin, so does Karl]
| Princess: | Oh. Maybe we could get him a little teddy-bear suit at the teddy-bear store. [George turns to look at her with a pained expression on his face]
| [The White House living room. Laura finishes polishing the front door and walks off]
| George: | [enters the living room] Laura, I need to talk to you right now!
| Laura: | Not if it's about cancellin' our dinner tonight! [George walks off]
| George: | [turns around] Well it wasn't about cancellin' our dinner, so there!
| Laura: | Okay George, I'm sorry. What do you wanna talk about?
| George: | I want... to talk to you about... that television show, the A-Team! They should never have taken it off the air!
| Laura: | Hm. That's interesting, George.
| George: | And that's final! [stomps his foot down] I'm glad we had this talk.
| Laura: | See ya at dinner. [walks away]
| Man: | [the door opens and he walks in] Hey George, it's your favorite neighbor. Say, George, there's some snew on your lawn.
| George: | What's snew, Larry?
| Larry: | Nothin'. What's snew with you? [laughs]
| George: | [turns away] I don't have time to talk to you right now, Larry.
| Larry: | [gets a beer] Woo, geez. what's up your ass, George?
| George: | I, I don't know, I... I have a super-important abortion dinner and a dinner with Laura at the same time, andn I can't push either one.
| Larry: | [sits at the arm chair with the beer and a plate of chips] Well why don't you do both?
| George: | What you talkin' 'bout, Larry?
| Larry: | This place is huge! J-just set up a dinner for Laura in one room, and have the abortion dinner in the dining room. She'll never even know!
| George: | Hey! No, that's a great idea, Larry!
| Maggie: | [passing through] No it isn't. Didn't work for Nixon. [Larry watches her leave]
| George: | Then all I gotta do is ...get a picture of me with these two leaders shakin' hands. How hard can that be, right?
| Larry: | Booyah! [George grins and signals approval twice to Larry]
| [The White Hosue, night. A pair of doors open and George peers in. He leads his blindfolded wife into the room, which has a table for four set up, with two tall candles in the middle]
| George: | [takes off the blindfold] Tada! [whisks her to a chair]
| Laura: | Oh, George, it's beautiful! But why aren't we eatin' in the [looks around] dinin' room?
| George: | Oh, it's so big and formal, I thought this'd be more intimate.
| Laura: | Oh, George, it means a lot to me that you cancelled your other plans tonight to spend it with me.
| George: | [excited] Tonight I pulled out all the stops. I even got someone to play our song.
| Laura: | Oh! [watches as George goes back to the entrance]
| George: | Oh boys! [a mariachi band is heard. Its members enter and stand next to Laura]
| Laura: | Oh, gosh, it's the theme to Sanford and Son!
| George: | [exits and begins to close the doors] Dinner will be right up. Tonight I am... your servant.
| Laura: | [happily] I guess I have to be yuor servant later on! [George looks at her confused] In bed.
| George: | Oh, yes! [blows her a kiss, then another one, then closes the door].
| [The living room. George rushes into the room as Maggie lifts his change of clothes up. He quickly gets into the new coat]
| George: | Now all I gotta do is take this state dinner.
| Maggie: | Mrs. Bush is gonna find out.
| George: | She is not gonna find out! [loosens his tie to put on the next one] I have a jazz band in there drowning out any noise she might hear! And if she does come out, you'er gonna warn me. You're gonna make a loud crow call! [puts on the new tie and walks towards the dining room]
| Maggie: | I'll make up the sofa for you to sleep on tonight.
| George: | Oh, don't you worry! Just remember, if Laura comes out, crow call! [leaves. Maggie just looks at the camera]
| [Dining room. George enters a room, the other diners are already present. Karl walks up to meet him.]
| George: | Wehell hello everybody. How are we all doin'?
| Felix: | Fine. With this new suit they gave me I look like Cary Grant. [a stern woman enters the room]
| Princess: | [trying to keep up] Mr. President, this is Joyce Mathers from Pro Choice... people.
| George: | [shakes her hand vigorously] Nice to meet you, Joyce. Can I call you Joyce?
| Joyce: | You already did.
| George: | Ah, that's great. [turns away] Come on in.
| Joyce: | [tightens her grip on his hand] Mr. Bush, let me be frank.
| Karl: | Yeah, I think that makes more sense than Joyce.
| Joyce: | We're not happy to be here defending a woman's right to choose to some male-chauvinist Pro-Life leader!.
| George: | Well! Meet the Pro-Life leader now! [brings her forth so she could see] Felix Harris.
| Felix: | Hello!
| George: | Mr. Harris, eh shake hands with the nice Pro-Choice leader. [holds out Joyce's arm and has it go through the motions of shaking a hand]
| Felix: | Where is she? I can't see because I was "aborted." But, if she's the leader of the Pro-Choice movement, let me guess. She's got a butch haircut, a bunch of feminist beads, and a gigantic ass. []
| George: | Well I never!
| Felix: | Yeah, sure you have. Then you aborted it.
| George: | I know! [escorts Joyce to the side of the table Felix is on] Why don't we take a photo, so we can show the whole world just how great this summit's goin'?
| Joyce: | A woman has a right to do what she wants with her body!
| Felix: | Rights?! What kind of rights do I have, huh?! I'm thirty years old and I have to shop at Baby Gap!
| George: | [trying to smooth things over] I think we're off to a great start! [hears a bird call and suddenly remembers his other dinner] Uh, will you excuse me for a second?
| Karl: | [steps into George's way] Where the hell are you going?
| George: | [almost reassuring] I'll be right back. [makes his way out the door]
| Karl: | [turns around] Jesus Christ, you can't leave now!
| [The living room. George rushes into the room as Maggie prepares a platter]
| George: | Did Laura come out? [takes off his coat and tie to replace them with the first set he wore]
| Maggie: | Nooo.
| George: | Well I thought I heard a crow call.
| Maggie: | That wasn't a crow call, that was a raven call. The cook asked me to make a raven call when the food got here.
| George: | [quickly puts the other tie over the current one] Why the hell would you-? Ohoho never mind! [dashes off to the other dinner with the food]
| [the side room. The mariachi band plays the theme to Jeopardy. Laura looks bored. A few seconds later the doors to the room open and George rushes in.]
| Laura: | Finally!
| George: | [quickly sets up dinner for two] Oh, I'm sorry. This took me longer to carve up than I thought. [the song ends]
| Laura: | My goodness, what did you make?
| George: | What did I make? Uh, it's a... [nervously sticks his fork into the food and lifts up a morsel] great. [settles in for dinner. A crashing noise is heard]
| Laura: | [look around] What was that?
| George: | [nervously] What was what? [motions for the band to resume playing. The band resumes playing] Oh, I know. Why don't you tell me all about how you plan on redecoratin' the Lincolm bedroom?
| Laura: | Really?
| George: | [getting more and more frantic] Yeah, just close your eyes. Close your eyes. Tell me exactly how you envision it. And don't leave out any details.
| Laura: | Well, I'm thinkin' about changin' the wall colors from yellow to deeep snow. [George quickly rises and leaves quietly enough] Perhaps a goldenrod trim around the first layer of wainscoat...
| [The dining room. A lot of arguing is heard there. Joyce has returned to her side of the table]
| Joyce: | You just keep your laws off our bodies! Respect a woman's choice!
| Felix: | Women make their choice when they open their meat curtains and take a bow!
| George: | [dashes into the dining room] How are we all doin'?
| Joyce: | Mr. President, I will not sit here and be insulted while eating shrimp!
| George: | Well, you don't have to eat shrimp. I know! Why don't we take a nice picture of us all shakin' hands? [escorts Joyce back to Felix's side of the table. She ends up behind Felix's chair. Karl motions for others to join George and Princess joins in. George tries to get Joyce to shake Felix's little hand, but to no avail.]
| Felix: | Hey! I'm not shakin' hands with someone who's pro-abortion!
| Joyce: | I'm not pro-abortion, I'm pro-choice!
| Felix: | Are you against abortion?
| Joyce: | No.
| Felix: | Then you're pro-abortion! Take a life class, you stupid hooker!
| Joyce: | [jumps out from behind Felix's chair and glares at him] Stop calling me a hooker!
| George: | You guys, take a picture real quick. [Karl is guiding Princess on how to take a picture]
| Joyce: | Do you want women dying in back alleys?!
| Felix: | Meh meh meh mehh meh meh meh meh mehhh?
| George: | Take the damn picture!
| Princess: | It won't go!
| Karl: | Turn on the flash!
| Felix: | Hooker!
| Joyce: | You son of a bitch! [Felix returns to mimicking Joyce. Joyce is spoiling for a fight]
| George: | Alright! Now that's enough! [everyone stops moving] I'm the President of the United States! [beat] Well, forgive me if I demand some decency! Now... [walks slowly to the other end of the table] If we don't start showin' each other a little bit of respect, and dignity, we're never gonna get anywhere! Now Felix, you need to know that Joyce stands up for what she believes in because she thinks it's right.
| Joyce: | Yeah!!
| George: | And Joyce, you need to remember Felix is against abortion because of strong, moral convictions. [silence. George sits down] Now..., we're all gonna sit... and talk, like adults. [another bird call is heard, and George bolts upright] Hoho, I'll be right back!
| Karl: | Oh for Christ's sake!
| George: | [on his way out] Entertain the abortion guests!
| Princess: | How??
| George: | I don't care, just do it! [runs out]
| [The living room. George rushes back in for his change of clothes. Maggie has his coat and tie waiting. A crow sites on a table lamp, and George can't help but notice.]
| Maggie: | Just came in here and started squawkin'. Weird, huh?
| George: | [runs off while putting on his coat] Laura's gonna be furious, I thnk!
| [The side room. Laura is still elaborating on the changes she'd make to the Lincolm bedroom. The band has moved on to a new song]
| Laura: | ...And a large throw rug with matching patterns of yellow and white on the credenza. [George rushes into the room and sits down quickly. Laura, feeling the breeze, turns to George's direction and opens her eyes. They look at each other lovingly for a few seconds] What do you think?
| George: | Sounds impeccable.
| Laura: | You're sweating.
| George: | Oh, well, you know how I get when ...you start talkin' about redecoratin'.
| Laura: | Isn't it nice we're talkin', George? How's work going?
| George: | Huh, well, right now I'm workin' on uniting two sides of a very partisan issue.
| [The dining room. Random chatter fills the room, and Princess sings and dances on the table. No one is paying attention]
| Princess: | If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price you pay...
| [The side room. Conversation continues]
| Laura: | Oh, that sounds great.
| George: | Oh well, better check on our desserts. [rises, but Laura catches his right arm and pulls him back to his chair]
| Laura: | Oh, forget dessert, George! [rises and prepares to dance with him] It's you that I want. [George giggles, she dances with him a bit] Let's make love.
| George: | [hesitant] Right now?
| Laura: | [encouraging] Now. [she gets aggresive]
| George: | [reactng to her every move] Hoh, oh, ooh, okay. Uh, why don't you go upstairs, I'll meet you there in... say, ten minutes?
| Laura: | [slaps him on the chest gently] Oh, come on! We're in the White House! We should do it in every room here. [moves suggestively]
| George: | What room do you wanna do it in?
| Laura: | [suggestively] The dinin' room. [George laughs nervously at the implications] I want you to spread me out on that massive table, right under that BIG picture of Mr. Lincoln and pound me like a one hole!!! [George faintlyechos her last words]
| George: | Oh God! Are you sure?!
| Laura: | Oh, don't! [runs towards the dining room]
| George: | Noo-ho! Waaiit! [runs after her]
| [The living room. Laura runs through]
| George: | [chasing her] Laura, come on!
| Maggie: | [rises, points at Laura, and imitates a crow.] Caw cawww! Caw cawww! Caw cawww! [Laura stops at some doors and looks at her. George catches up]
| George: | Maggie... [vigorously motions her to stop as an umpire would to call someone out. Maggie leaves]
| Laura: | [takes his hand and pulls him] Let's go!
| George: | [pulls back] Noho!
| Laura: | Huh?
| George: | I don't want you goin' in the dining room!
| Laura: | Why not?
| George: | [begins to pull her towards the stairs] Uhh, before we make love, uh uh I want, uh I want you to put on somethin' sexy!
| Laura: | Oh, huh.
| George: | Now... [now at the foot of the stairs] Oh uh, I know! Uh uh, put, put, put on that thing I got for you last Valentine's Day.
| Laura: | [pause] ...Ski parka?
| George: | Oh! [pause] Yeah, yeah, get that on! I want you in that!
| Laura: | [turns and goes upstairs] Okay, George! [looks at him from the stairs] Don't start without me! [grins and leaves. He watches her go, then bolts for the dining room]
| [Dining room. The discussions have degenerated into food fights and actual fights as Princess tries to entertain the room in vain. George rushes in with a dog tailing him]
| George: | Alright! Everybody, we are movin' to the basement!! [the fighting stops and everyone looks at him]
| Princess: | What?!
| Joyce: | What?!
| George: | Fondue is being served... in the basement! [motions for everyone to go there]
| Felix: | I ain't goin' nowhere with this hooker!
| Joyce: | Piss off, Chucky!!!
| Felix: | Don't you dare call me Chucky, God-damnit! [lunges at her and smothers her face.] Yaaa! [She tries to fight him off. Karl and George look on in horror] Yaaa, I hate you! [Joyce throws Felix at the wall and Felix bounces off] Ouch! [lands on the dog, which runs through the room and out. Felix is on him like a jockey on a horse] Gaaah!
| George: | Oh, Jesus! [chases after Felix. Joyce follow suit, as do Karl and a few other men]
| [The living room. A flurry of activity follows.]
| Felix: | [rides through on the dog] Help me! Help me! Heellp!
| George: | [chasing the dog and fetus] Spot! Stop! [the mariachi band strolls out of the side room and into the living room. Joyce and Princess lead the pack as they enter the living room.]
| Laura: | [rushes down the stairs in the ski parka from last Valentine's day] I'm right here, poopsie! [enters the living room and flings it open. Nothing is underneath it, so she's naked.] TAKE ME! [everyone's mouths drop open. She looks at the people gathered in the room...] AAAAAAAAA!!!
| Felix: | [rides back towards the dining room] Somebody stop this dog!! [George pursues him once again, but stops when the front door opens.]
| Larry: | [stepping into the living room] Has anybody seen my crow?
| Joyce: | [insulted by the preceding events] That it! We are leaving!
| Pro-Life Aide: | No! We're leaving first, hooker! [prepares to have Joyce walk into the cake, but she ducks. Bush turns and walks into the cake. The aide realizes what just happened and rushes out with other aides. George staggers, trying to get his bearings]
| Laura: | [trembling in a fetal position at the foot of the stairs] George!!! There's a fetus riding our dog!!! [Maggie has her arm around George, but he turns and she samples some of the cake on him]
| Maggie: | Hmmm. Tastes like failure.
| [The White House, night, the executive bedroom. Laura, wearing reading glasses, is reading "How To Kill Yourself Slowly" in bed. George sits next to her, and both have the bed covers over their legs. George is shaking his head over the evening's events]
| George: | Boy, I sure screwed things up this time, didn't I? [no reaction] Oh, geez, I mean, how can I think you would notice me having a state dinner in the other room? I am SO dumb! [looks at Laura. She simply turns the page and reads on] I mean I could have won Special Olympics tonight! "Daww, derrr" [squirms, waiting for a response]
| Laura: | [relenting] George, I'm not upset because you had a big state dinner tonight.
| George: | You're not?
| Laura: | I'm upset because had I known there was an abortion dinner, I would have understood. But you didn't tell me because we hardly talk anymore!
| George: | But you said you'd be upset if I cancelled.
| Laura: | [beat] Geroge, I'm not unreasonable, I just wanna know what's goin' on. Is that so much to ask?
| George: | Aww, I'm sorry, Laura. It's just I really thought I could unite both sides of this abortion issue.
| Laura: | [removes her glasses] George, you can't unite everybody. Now, maybe you can't unite pro-choice and pro-life activists because, in a way, they're both right.
| George: | You're right, Laura. You know what else? I just remembered, it ain't state dinners that help you think things through, it's talkin' with the people you love.
| Laura: | [places her hand on his left hand. He puts his other hand over hers.] Well, I'll tell you this, Mr. President, you can keep your laws on my body anytime you like! [a rush of excitement goes over them] You know what, George? You may be a bad President, but you're an okay husband sometimes. [chuckles]
| George: | Oho! One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna Punch You In the Face! [they snuggle a bit]
| [The executive bedroom, sometime later. The lights are up and George is seducing Laura]
| George: | Lord, how I ever tuned ya. You're the most wonderful woman in the world!
| Laura: | Oh, George. [senses something under the blankets] Oh! Oh, George! Stop it, you tiger!
| George: | [not sure what she means] What??
| Laura: | [pleased] Uh, bad, George!
| Felix: | [pops up from under the covers] Ey, is this a party or what?? [laughs heartily as Laura and George look on]
| Laura: | AAAAAAA!!!
| [End of An Aborted Dinner Date]
| |