George and Laura Bush
Maggie
Princess
Karl Rove
Frat buddies Moose, Thad, Randle, Jonesie, and The Wedge
gut busters comedy troupe: Mark, Dave, Pam, Bob, and the leader
Warden
Jenkins
Guards
Prisoner
Reporters
| [Intro: The White House, day. In the living room Maggie relaxes on the sofa and watches some TV. The family dog is next to her. George comes down the stairs] | |
| George: | Maggie! [stops next to the sofa. The dog walks off] Maggie, what are you doin'? My old frat buddies from Yale are comin' by for a visit today and I want everything to look ...brilliant!! |
| Maggie: | [rising from the couch] Whoops, then you'd better leave. [turns away and leaves] |
| Laura: | [coming from the dining room] Okay, George. [meets him by a table lamp next to the sofa] I've had all the fountains turned on and and told the Secret Service to wear their extra-black sunglasses. |
| George: | Great! |
| Laura: | George, why do you think you have to impress these guys? |
| George: | 'Cause I'm a Beta Delt, Laura. I may admit thirty years ago, but I'm always gonna be a Beta Delt! |
| Maggie: | [dusting off the sofa] You're always gonna be a gaywad, too, but I don't see you inviting N*Sync over. [laughs at her own cleverness. Laura laughs with her. George looks at her and she walks off to another part of the house] |
| George: | [turns to Maggie] Maggie, you know, you're the housekeeper. Why is it you think you can make sassy remarks to me?? |
| Maggie: | Because you can't ever come up with a good comeback. |
| George: | Yes I can! I'm just as sassy as you! |
| Maggie: | Alrighty then, alright. Let's give it a try. [stops dusting and goes to the armchair, where she begins her delivery] Okay, I'll pitch one in. Okay, okay. [crouches down a little, with her ass in Bush's clear view] Isn't this a HUGE SEAT? [he tries to think of something, but can't. He draws a blank. She moves her ass a bit to prod him] |
| George: | [missing the pitch] Well yeah, but it goes with the couch. |
| Maggie: | No... You're supposed to say "Yes it is. And the chair's big, too." |
| George: | [brushing this aside] I know, I know. [tries again] Give me another one! Give me another one! |
| Maggie: | [reluctantly] Alright, alright, are you ready? |
| George: | Aw yeah, I got the comebacks! |
| Maggie: | [laughs] Alright, I'm gonna pitch this one high and slow. [holds up a ceramic pig] Have you ever seen a more hideous pig? |
| George: | [struggles to find a comeback for a few seconds, then] ...WHORE!!! |
| [The Oval Office. George places a new name plaque on the executive desk. Karl and Princess are present] | |
| Karl: | Mr. President, I know your frat brothers are coming for a visit, but we need to discuss the death penalty agenda. |
| George: | Death penalty, right. [goes to the desk against the window] Can you see this picture of me and Stallone from where you're standing? |
| Karl: | Yes. Mr. President, can we please get some work done?? |
| George: | Agh, alright. |
| Karl: | Alright, now, capital punishment is high in our agenda because we have- [several men run and holler into the room dressed in white Arab robes and with rifles in their hands. One of them subdues Karl and screams at him] We don't understand! |
| Man 1: | I said-! Scared ya, didn't we? [the other men relax and take off their robes. They aren't Arabs at all. George is pleasantly surprised by this and allows the men to swarm him] |
| Men: | Georgy! Georgy! Georgy! Georgy! |
| Karl: | What the hell is going on?! |
| George: | These are my frat brothers from Yale! |
| Karl: | [slowly rises from the floor] Jesus Christ. |
| Man 1: | [in cyan sweater] We gotcha! [with the other guys] Booga Booga Bach Bach Bach! |
| George: | Alright... You guys. You haven't changed! [looks at his friends] At all! |
| Man 1: | Hell no! |
| Princess: | [on all fours next to the desk] Wait! So you guys aren's I-rockis? |
| George: | [looks her way] That's right, Princess. |
| Princess: | [rises from the floor] I thought I was gonna be drowned in tar. |
| Man 1: | Well you can down in my tar anytime you like! |
| Man 2: | [in yellow sweater] Come on, George, give us a grand tour! [the other guys move around and cheer] |
| Men: | Yeah!! |
| Karl: | Mr. President, I don't think it's wise to have these guys traipsing through the White House. |
| George: | Well just let me show 'em around, Karl. They'll behave. [behind them, the frat brothers wave at passers-by from the Oval Office windows. One of them pretends to talk on the phone] |
| [The living room. George leads his frat brothers through it] | |
| Man 1: | Oh, geez Louise, Georgy! Nice pad! [notices Laura] Ey, who's the stripper? |
| George: | This is my wife, Laura. |
| Man 1: | Just kiddin', just kiddin'. I've seen you on TV an' stuff, "Lulu". [laughs with the other frat friends] |
| George: | This is Moose, from my old fraternity. |
| Laura: | Mister... Moose. [makes like has has moose antlers on his head, and more laughs follow] |
| Moose: | [to the other frat brothers] This is George's first lady! |
| Man 3: | [bald man] Yeah, right! She wasn't even his first librarian! |
| George: | Laura, this is Thad [in yellow sweater], Randle [in white jacket], Jonesie [in blue sweater], and [the bald man] The Wedge. |
| Laura: | The Wedge? |
| The Wedge: | [leans back and puts his hands in front of his crotch, open and facing each other in a wedge shape] Heeyahhh!! [the frat boys laugh] |
| Laura: | It certainly has been nice meeting you all. [an awkward pause. Laura tries to be pleasant] Guess you'd better get back on the road. You don't wanna hit that afternoon traffic. |
| The Wedge: | Do you know what your husband told us in the frat house back in 1968? |
| Laura: | No I... can't imagine. |
| The Wedge: | He told us that some day, he was gonna become President! |
| Frat Buddies: | Yeah! |
| George: | It's true! I knew it even then! [strikes a bold profile] |
| Moose: | Hee, yeah! And he said that when he DID become President, all of us could come and stay at the White House as long as we wanted! |
| Frat Buddies: | Booga Booga Bach Bach Bach! |
| George: | [chats with Laura, then whips around to face them] Heh hey guys! I'm not sure I put it exactly that way! |
| The Wedge: | Oh, we got it on tape, remember? [whips out a portable tape player and presses "Play" George's voice is heard: "Hey, you guys, listen up! Someday I'm gonna be President of the United States!" The guys react quietly. "And when I am, you can ALL come and stay at the White House as long as you want!" A small chuckle from the guys "Hey, wait a minute. Where's my pants?" The frat friends laugh and congratulate each other] |
| Laura: | [upset] Where's my pants? |
| Moose: | We didn't think you'd actually pull it off, Georgy, but here we are! |
| Frat Buddies: | [entering with luggage] Boom! Baboom boom boom! Baboom boom boom! Let this groove get you to move. It’s all right (All right), all right! [They march across the living room and up the stairs.] |
| [Oval Office. A picture of a wanted man is shown, then the camera back up to show Princess holding up the folder the picture is in as Karl paces around the desk and debriefs the President] | |
| Karl: | This is Normandy Calgrove. He is scheduled to be executed at midnight tomorrow a hundred miles east of here. [Princess hands George the paperwork, which he signs] |
| George: | One less scumbag on earth. |
| Karl: | Mr. President, it is our opinion that you should attend this execution. |
| George: | [looks at Karl] Attend? |
| Karl: | Of all the things people hate you for, your support of the death penalty is number one. Most people think you'd change your position on the death penalty if you actually went to an execution. We need to prove them wrong. |
| George: | [solemnly] I believe very strongly in the death penalty. If someone commits the act of murder, they must pay the highest price! |
| Jonesie: | [the frat friends are present] Go tell 'em, Georgy! [the others agree. George rises from his chair.] |
| George: | [to Karl] Would you excuse me? [walks up to his friends, who are now boisterous] Fellas. Fellas! [the guys shut up] Remember what I said about when we'er in the Oval Office? |
| Moose: | [whispering] Tiny voices. [the other guys echo "Tiny voices." to each other] |
| Karl: | Mr. President, if you don't mind... |
| George: | Right. [returns to his desk. The other guys resume snacking away] |
| Karl: | This is a huge opportunity for us. Members of the press will be there taking your picture as you sternly and resolutely attend this execution. |
| George: | I know, but to see somebody die... That doesn't sound very fun... |
| Moose: | Gee. [rises and goes over to the desk. The others join him] What's the matter, Georgy? You ain't gone soft, have ya? |
| Thad: | Yeah. You ain't gone soft, have ya, Georgy? |
| George: | [rising from his chair again] Um... no! Heh-umm... hell no! I'll attend that execution! |
| Frat Buddies: | Alright! Yeah! |
| Princess: | Alright, then I'm gonna pencil the execution into your schedule tomorrow night. |
| Moose: | [Moose laughs] I'd like to schedule your pencil into my execution! [laughs some more. His friends' jaws drop] |
| Frat Buddies: | ...Yeah!! [nod in agreement to Moose] |
| Karl: | Mr. President, please. This is a very delicate matter. |
| The Wedge: | [imitating] Mistuh Pwesident, pwease. This is a vewy dewicate mattuh. |
| Thad: | [imitating] Mistuh Pwesident, pwease. This is a vewy dewicate mattuh. |
| Moose: | Hey, you try it, Georgy! |
| George: | [looks around, even at Karl, then imitating, more slowly] Mistuh Pwesident, pwease. This is a vewy dewicate mattuh. [the friends cheer as George just looks at Karl, who's not pleased] |
| [The dining room. Laura is preparing George's breakfast. Water and orange juice have been served] | |
| George: | [worried] Oh, what have I done?? I don't wanna go to an execution, Laura. How did I get into this? |
| Laura: | Because, you were trying to show off to your frat buddies. They were up all night streakin' through the White House and crappin' in the Rose Garden. You have to ask them to leave. |
| George: | [looks over his shoulder] I can't ask them to leave, Laura. The-they'll think I've become a snob! [thinks a moment] Maybe they'll be right. You know, I used to be the biggest partier of that whole pack. I used to have it all! |
| Laura: | George, you're the President of the United States! |
| George: | [moping around] I know... |
| Laura: | What do you want? You want me to ask them to leave for ya? [George looks at her amd nods] Well alright. Fine, George, I'll be the bad guy, okay? [he nods more firmly] Want some chocolate milk? [he nods some more. She walks away to make more] |
| [Living room. Maggie cleans up the mess the frat friends left behind. Karl enters] | |
| Karl: | This place... is a pigsty. Can't you work any faster? |
| Maggie: | Hey. How about this: you don't tell me how to do my job, and I won't tell you how to be bald. [Karl has no reponse, so Maggie goes back to work. The frat friends enter the front door and head for the couch] |
| Thad: | Hey, let's see what's on TV? [Moose sees some pizza on the sofa, closes its box, and tosses the whole thing onto the floor] |
| Moose: | I want Paige. [the frat boddies make themselves at home, and Laura summons the strenth to challenge them] |
| Laura: | Guys, guys, we need to have a little talk with ya. When George said you could all come move into the White House, he was... a binge drinker. |
| The Wedge: | What are you sayin'? |
| Laura: | The White House is not a frat house, and though it's been wonderful having you all here, ...it's time to go. |
| Moose: | [soberly] Oh... I see... I, I guess we understand. I mean, you folks... gotta have your lives... |
| Laura: | [pleased] Thank you. I'll leave you guys alone now. [walks off] |
| George: | [waits until Laura is out of earshot] ...Boy, what a bitch, huh? [the guys laugh] |
| Moose: | [rises] I'll tell what, Georgy. Just give us one last night out. [turns to the other guys] We'll have a big DC party tonight! [turns to George] And then we'll get out of your hair. |
| George: | Sure! |
| Frat Buddies: | Yeah!!! |
| George: | Oh no! Ah, I can't. |
| Moose: | [disheartened] You... won't even give us one night. |
| George: | Guys, I can't! I have this super-important execution to go to, you know. You know, being President means... |
| Thad: | [as the guys move] Don't bother, Mr. President! I think I know where we stand now! [the guys go upstairs] |
| George: | Awww, come on, don't be like that. |
| Randle: | Come on, guys. We'd better just get our stuff and get out of the President's way... |
| George: | Fellas! I can't help it! |
| Moose: | Just remember, one day, all this [waves his index finger around the room] glitz and glamor is gonna be gone, and all youre gonna have left is your little... snot self! [points an accusing finger at George] Oooooo, you've changed! |
| George: | I have not changed! Ey! Hey, if I could... bring you along, I would, but [slaps his hand over his mouth as the guys turn to look at him] |
| Thad: | Bring us along? |
| Moose: | [descends] Heey, that's a great idea! We could have our last big night out, at an execution! What do you say, fellas? |
| Frat Buddies: | Yeah! [they all move back into the living room] |
| Thad: | We're sorry we doubted you, George! |
| George: | Now wait! Ho-ho-ho-hold on! |
| Moose: | Hey hey hey, hey guys. I got a feeling... that this could be our best night out ever! |
| Thad: | You said it! The Beta Delts are back in the groove, right baby?! |
| Frat Buddies: | Yeah! Boom! Baboom boom boom! Baboom boom boom! Let this groove get you to move. It’s all right (All right), all right! [they march in circles around George] |
| [The White House living room, some time later. George and Karl are talking] | |
| Karl: | Mr. President, you cannot have your fraternity brothers accompany you to an execution! |
| George: | [fiddling with a lamp] Oh, you don't understand, Karl. If I go back on them now, they'll never speak to me again! |
| Karl: | I would think that ideal. |
| George: | Were you ever in a fraternity, Karl? |
| Karl: | [looks at George, then looks up and rolls his eyes] Sort of... |
| [Flashback: a brotherhood's secret lair, Karl is surrounded by candles and several acolytes. He is dressed as a priest about to sacrifice a virgin and a goat] | |
| Karl: | Bot holy thing! [the virgin screams] |
| [back to the present] | |
| Karl: | Not exactly the same kind of thing. |
| George: | Well, Karl, a fraternity is a brotherhood. Now, we're supposed to have one last night out together. [heads for the minibar by the front door and reaches in...] I just wanna show them I have not become a pussy snob! |
| Karl: | [walks around the sofa] Members of the press will be there. Witnesses and guards if your barking frat buddies behave badly. [George reaches the sofa and sits down with a beer. Karl paces in front of him] And they will; it's gonna be all our asses! You're just gonna have to tell them why they can't go! |
| George: | [the lamp's bulb behind him turns on] Wait! I got an idea! |
| Karl: | No, that's just the light bulb you were workng on. |
| George: | [turns and looks at the bulb] Oh, dang it [then jumps to his feet] No wait! I really do! I have an idea! We can have a fake execution before the real one! |
| Karl: | What'choo talkin' 'bout? |
| George: | I'll invite my frat brothers to the prison two hours before the execution. We'll hire actors. They'll play the parts, of the reporters, the guards, the warden, and the prisoner! [Karl smiles and acknowledges each statement with a "yes"] We'll administer fake drugs with fake needles... and then we'll get everybody out before the real execution starts! |
| Karl: | My God, that might be the worst idea I have ever heard, ever! |
| George: | Come on, Karl, just find me some people who can do improv. We might pull this off! |
| Karl: | Yeah, and I might shoot a falcon out my ass. |
| George: | [confident he's got Karl's support] If anybody could it'd be you! |
| [The Oval Office. Karl sits at the desk talking to someone...] | |
| Karl: | And so, that's why we're looking for a group of actors who can stage a phoney execution about five hours from now. |
| Improv Guy 1: | [resting his elbow on someone else's head] Well, if anyone can improvise, it's Gutbusters! [three other folks are present - a woman rides on the back of another guy, the guy wearing the beret rests his elbow on the arm of the guy who's being ridden] |
| Improv Guy 2: | [wearing beret] Gutbusters were voted the number two comedy troupe in all of southern Virginia! |
| Karl: | I don't care. Can you fake an execution? |
| Improv Guy 1: | [the troupe relaxes] Can we fake an execution? Mark, Dave, go! [Guy 2 and Guy 3, the guy the girl was riding, approach a chair and take their positions.] |
| Improv Guy 3: | [sitting, whimpers] Help help! Please don't execute me! |
| Princess: | Hahaha, that's funny! |
| Improv Guy 2: | Say goodnight! [lowers an invisible switch] |
| Improv Guy 1: | And... freeze! Okay, now we're IN an execution, but Dave is singasong bread of Meat Loaf and... Pam is deaf, go! [Pam replaces Mark, the guy with the beret] |
| Dave: | [Improv Guy 3] I don't wanna die in this electric chair, not with my big fat body and long, long hair! [Pam starts interpreting the song... slowly. Slurred sounds come out of her mouth] |
| Princess: | [loving the improv] Ohooohhh, no way! |
| Karl: | [sternly, slowly] I just want it to look real! |
| Improv Guy 1: | Real? How's this for real? Pam, you're a prostitute, your leg is broken, and ...Bob, you'er trying to tell her she's got gum stuck in her hair. Go. [Dave leaves the chair, Pam grabs a cane and changes position, Bob runs up] |
| Pam: | You wanna date? |
| Bob: | Hay lady! [leans down and points to Pam's arm pit] You've got gum stuck in your hair! |
| Pam: | Oh no you di'n't!! |
| Princess: | [realizing the joke] Oh, I got it! |
| Karl: | [stands up] Stop it!!! [the troupe comes to attention] We don't want improv comedy! |
| Improv Guy 1: | You don't? |
| Karl: | No! We don't! [buttons his coat] In fact, improv comedy makes me sick! Because you act like it's totally improvisational when in FACT... it's formulas that you rehearse! Over and over and over again, and every night you pretend like you're making it up off the top of your head, and then you LAUGH onstage to make it look real!! I hate you!!! Do you hear me??!! [the players lean back in fright] I said, do you hear me, you sons of bitches??!! |
| Pam: | [begins her deaf translator routine] I can't hear you 'cause I'm deaf. [the rest of the troupe cracks up and Karl turns away. Princess laughs, too] |
| Karl: | [heads for the desk] Alright. |
| A troupe player: | That was great! |
| Karl: | [sits down and grabs pen and paper] Alright I'll write down the address to the prison and give you instructions. |
| Princess: | Oh! Do the gum thing again! [Karl looks at her] |
| [The Prison front office. A guard is talking on the phone as two other guards walk by] | |
| Guard: | Right. Right, I understand. [begins writing stuff down] Alright, two hours before the actual execution the President wants to have a fake execution. Exactly. I got it. NOT with the real prisoner... Got it... improv group... Got it. Right. Okay, I'll get right on it. Leave it to me. [he hangs up, rises, and two large sacs bulge from his throat, choking him] Wuuuhh! |
| [The Prison, night. In an execution chamber the tools of execution are being presented to the visitors] | |
| Warden: | This thing is the actual table where the prisoner is strapped in and given his lethal injection. The drugs used are a mixture- |
| Guard: | Warden! [the warden turns to look at him] He's here. The President is here! |
| Warden: | What, now? It's only ten! |
| Guard: | There's something strange goin' on at the front office. There's all this talk about a second execution? |
| Warden: | There's only one execution tonight. |
| Guard: | Jenkins was the only one who knew what was goin' on, and now he's at the hospital with an... allergic reaction to peanuts. His neck swelled up like... [gestures what happened to Jenkins] Wuuuhh! |
| George: | [enters the execution chamber, followed by his frat buddies] Come on in, fellas. |
| Frat Buddies: | [admiring the execution table] Woooo-oooo!! Hea-vy!! |
| George: | [taps the table] Yup, this is where it's all goin' down. I'm gonna give you the best execution you ever SAW! |
| Frat Buddies: | Alright George! [they inspect the table] |
| George: | [dramatic] Bring in the prisoner! |
| Warden: | [getting George's attention] Mr. President, I believe we're supposed to wait until midnight. |
| George: | Well, the hell with that! I've got my frat brothers here now, so let's go! [makes knowing gestures at the warden, who just mimics them back and walks away] |
| [The Prison front office. Another guard has taken Jenkins' place and is talking with some people] | |
| Guard: | Look, I can't let you pass. The law doesn't say anything about clearance for an improv comedy troupe. |
| Improv Leader: | But that's what we're telling you. Karl Rove had us over to the White House and asked us to perform a fake execution here. Right, gang? |
| Troupe Players: | Yeah! |
| Guard: | Sounds to me like someone was pulling your leg! |
| Bob: | This is hopeless! What are we gonna do now? |
| Improv Leader: | Well, we're just gonna have tuh IMPROVISE! [the others cheer and the leader gets to work] Okay... Mark, you deny you're the husband who has a problem getting it up and, Pam, you're a stalker who's a chronic liar, and the rest of us are monkeys! Go! [the players act out their parts] |
| Guard: | Oh, God, I hate this stuff. |
| [The execution chamber, later. The frat buddies are laughing it up when a burly prisoner in orange prison suit and strapped onto the table] | |
| George: | [excited] Woo, alright! Let's do it! |
| Warden: | Mr. President, it's traditional for the witnesses to sit behind the glass with the inmate's family. |
| George: | The hell with that! My buddies are gonna sit ringside! |
| Frat Buddies: | Yeah!! |
| George: | [takes a stance against the prisoner] Hey, scum! You ready to die by lethal injection? |
| Prisoner: | No sit! |
| George: | Ohoho, then maybe you prefer [slowly] the gas chamber? [raises a leg and farts, then waves the fumes towards the prisoner. His buddies are enjoying the show] |
| Woman: | [behind the glass] Has he gone insane?? |
| Prisoner: | God, that... smells! [shakes his head back and forth violently to rid himself of the smell] |
| George: | Go on and read him his last rites! |
| Priest: | The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. |
| George: | Aw, screw that! You have the right to die like a little bitch! Have your soul sent to hell! |
| Prisoner: | Help me-ee!! |
| Moose: | Oh, I was wrong about ol' Georgy, guys! |
| George: | [notices and climbs up to talk to the prisoner, whispering] Hey, pal. You're doing a really good job. Thanks a lot. [pats him on the chest a few times and drops down] |
| Prisoner: | Huh?? |
| [The Prison front office. The players have gone into another setup] | |
| Mark: | [using a desk lamp as a megaphone] Mayor, get me the sheriff! [the other players crack up, and the leader has another idea] |
| Troupe Leader: | Okay. Now get this: an emotion and a piece of fruit. |
| Guard: | Regret, kiwi. |
| Troupe Leader: | Go! |
| Bob: | I wish I didn't eat that kiwi, yeah! |
| Dave: | And now I go blood in my weewee! [the other players laugh] |
| Karl: | [enters without warning. Princess is with him] What the hell are you guys dong? You'er supposed to be putting on a fake execution! [the players fumble for words and point at each other. Princess cracks up] |
| [The execution chamber, later. George is really enjoying this execution, not knowing it's the real thing] | |
| George: | What time is it?! |
| All: | [in the chamber, anyway] Time to die! |
| Warden: | Doctor, administer the drugs. [the doctor prepares the syringe and hoists it up to the prisoner] |
| George: | [taking the syringe from the doctor] Oh no, you! Give me that! I'm gonna kill 'im! |
| Doctor: | Well it must be done in order! |
| George: | I know the sequence! First we put in three tablespoons of sodium pentathol... [delivers it into the catheter] |
| Prisoner: | Oh mother Maryyy! |
| Woman: | Oh dear God! |
| George: | Oh, look at that! How about we use this?! Drain cleaner! [pours some into the catheter] |
| Prisoner: | Aaaaaadaaaa! |
| Karl: | [enters the room with Princess] Mr. President- |
| George: | And we do a little dance... [begins dancing, then twirls] Aaannnddd... |
| Doctor: | He's dead. |
| George: | [in gleeful triumph] He's dead! |
| Moose: | Gee, I kinda wish I hadn't seen that. |
| Jonesie: | That wasn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be. |
| George: | And another one bites the dust! [turns to the defendant's family and does a victory dance] And another one bites the dust! |
| Karl: | GEORGE!! |
| George: | [turns around] What? |
| Karl: | Can I talk to you for seven seconds, please?! |
| Moose: | Hey hey hey hey, um, uh, me and the guys are gonna take off, Georgy, [shake's George's hand] but thanks for the big night out- |
| George: | [shakes the hands of the rest of his frat buddies] Heeey, it was great, wasn't it? Hay, maybe we can do this again next year! |
| Thad: | You aint' gone soft at all George! |
| George: | Not at all! [watches the guys leave, then, barely containing himself, turn to Karl] It was so good, Karl! Haha, we got the fake reporters, fake guards, the fake prisoner - oh! It was just great! |
| Karl: | Mr. President, they weren't fake! |
| George: | You were really good, pal. [sticks a $20 bill into the prisoner's shirt pocket, pats it down, and steps off the table's foot] Here's an extra twenty bucks. Ah, now when's that real execution gonna take place? |
| Karl: | That was the real execution. |
| George: | Aw, Karl, no that-... Those are fake drugs! That's a fake needle! |
| Karl: | No! That was a real needle! Those were real drugs! |
| Princess: | You really really killed that guy! |
| George: | [chuckles, then looks around] Oh God! [looks again, then looks at the prisoner's family behind the glass] OH JESUS!! |
| Reporter: | [female] Mr. President! Mr. President! Can we get a statement, please?! [he composes himself and faces the reporters] Well, Mr. President? |
| Reporter: | [male] Care to explain? [wobbles and faints, falling on his back. The guards take the dead prisoner down from the table] |
| Princess: | [rushes to the President's side] Mr. President! |
| Karl: | [joins Princess and helps George off the ground] Let's just get him a bottle; I'll think of something. [Princess goes away] Ahhh, aaand, SAFE! [makes the "SAFE" baseball gesture and chuckles] Ah, that closed our dramatization of how you might think executions happen. |
| Reporter: | Dramatization? |
| Karl: | Yes. Chris [turns abd goes to the door] ...is... fine! [opens the door] Say hi, Chris! [someone waves Chris's limp hand and Karl quickly closes the door] There you go. So, now, of course, you will see how an execution really happens. Bring in... the real prisoner. |
| Guard: | Sir, that was the real prisoner. |
| Karl: | [barking] Just... get us another one! |
| Fake Guard 1: | Get out the way! |
| Fake Guard 2: | Dead man moonwalking! |
| Fake Prisoner: | Ooo, that table is to die for! [the fake guards strap him onto the table] |
| Karl: | Ladies and gentlemen, the real execution. [the witnesses look befuddled] |
| [The White House, master bedroom, night. George is in bed despondent and Laura massages his shoulder.] | |
| George: | I can't believe I killed that man. |
| Laura: | There, there, sweetie. |
| George: | [snort] Aw, he begged for his life and I, I farted on him. |
| Laura: | I know, George. Look at it this way: It's no different than that hundred and fifty-two men you put to death in Texas. You just actually did it youself this time. [George grabs his pillow and slams it over his head.] Sweetie, don't you die on me now, too. [removes the pillow from his head] |
| George: | [looks up at her, then sits up] Ooohoo, it was just so easy to execute all those people on Death Row, Laura, 'cause were just numbers to me. Oh, to think, one phone call I could have stopped all those executions in Texas, but I was busy. I was... busy... buying stuff for the house! [rises from the bed and goes to his desk] Like this! This ashtray! [picks it up] It could have been alive! [sets it down and moves to other things] Oh, and this beret! [grabs it and throws it down, then goes to the fireplace] This terry-cloth robe! [grabs it and throws it down] Oh, and this snow globe! I could have saved another! [Laura looks on] This, this bag of stuff! [picks it up from the floor and throws it onto an armchair] |
| Laura: | George! Stop! |
| George: | Killin' is wrong, Laura! Doesn't matter if they're ...murderers or parasites or... even French. It is wrong to take a life! [falls silent and walks sullenly to his side of the bed] |
| Laura: | [softly] Well, George. I-I hate to say it, but this is what you get when you pretend you're something you're not. |
| George: | [gets into bed and looks at her] Huh? |
| Laura: | You were tryin' to show off to your frat buddies, to make them think you were still the same old George, when you yourself knew it wasn't true. |
| George: | [nods sadly in agreement] I know. I've changed. |
| Laura: | [prodding] Well yeah you've changed. I-I like the new George! He's grown up! Matured! ...a little bit. He thinks about consequences. I like who you've become, George! [cooing] And so should you. |
| George: | You're the best, Laura. |
| Laura: | Hm. |
| George: | Once again, I should've listened to you to begin with. |
| Laura: | Well, George ...at least you'll remember that until the next time you screw up. |
| George: | [laughs quietly] Laura, one of these days, I'm gonna Punch You In The Face!! [they kiss, laugh and settle in for the night] |
| [The Prison. The improv comedy troupe is now in the execution chamber, with Dave strapped onto the table] | |
| Dave: | [Karl begins the execution] Uh hello? Please don't kill me- Ow! That needle really hurts! |
| Bob: | Hey guys, it's the governor! |
| Mark: | Pardon? |
| Bob: | I said, it's the governor! |
| Dave: | [in pain] You guys, it burns. |
| Leader: | George Burns? |
| Pam: | Goodnight, Gracie! |
| Dave: | No guys, I think I'm dying. |
| Mark: | No, we're killing. |
| Karl: | Freeze! [Dave passes out, exhales, and Karl sucks in his breath] |
| [End of A Poorly Executed Plan] |