George and Laura Bush
Maggie
Princess
Karl Rove
Larry
Dr. Thomss Klestil, President of Austria
Donald Rumsfeld
Austrian Soldiers
Austrian "Princess"
Austrian "Maggie"
Tour Guide
German Text Provided by Janina, aka Swerg Im Bikini
Additional Text Provided by Kenny McCormick
| [The White House living room, day. George is on the phone] | |
| George: | I'm gonna have to take a very hard stance on this issue. No. No. No! I called you people three weeks ago to hook up my cable! I even took the day off work and your guy never showed! Hey! Don't you insult me! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?! Hello??!! Rrrrgh! [slams the phone receiver against the base five times] |
| Laura: | [reading the newspaper] Get that all worked out, sweetie? |
| George: | [walks over to the couch] Why the heck can't the White House have cable?! I can't stand watching network shows! They are all the same! |
| Laura: | [stands up] Aw, come on George, there's plenty of variety on the networks. [take the remote and starts clicking through the channels] |
| Woman 1: | [heard on TV] Hey. You mean you're gay? [click] |
| Man 1: | [heard on TV] Whatever you do, don't tell Chris I'm gay. [click] |
| Man 2: | [heard on TV] Pretend that I'm not gay. [click] |
| Woman 2: | [heard on TV] He's gay. [click] |
| Man 3: | [heard on TV] Gay... [click] |
| A Falsetto: | [heard on TV] Hey, I'm your pal Lemmiwinks, the Squirrel. |
| Laura: | See? You can watch Lemmiwinks. [hands the remote to George] |
| Kids: | [heard on TV as Laura talks] Yay Lemmiwinks! [George sits on the couch] |
| Lemmiwinks: | [heard on TV] I wish I had a mouth full of nuts. |
| George: | [disappointed] Oh, not you too, Lemmiwinks!! |
| [The Oval Office, day. He's on the phone once again, calling the cable company.] | |
| George: | Well it's vital to me! Okay? Why should I pay a deposit when my cable hasn't even been hooked up yet?? |
| Karl: | Mr. President... [George raoses his arm to stop further interruption. Karl is standing with a cabinet member] |
| George: | A remote control deposit?! No- Don't put me on hold! Don't put me- [stops talking, then turns to Karl] Alright, I'm on hold. What do you want? |
| Karl: | Mr. President, the Star Wars Missile Defense System is finally up and operational. Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld [Rumsfeld salutes] is here to show you how it works. |
| George: | [salutes back] Okay, fine. |
| Rumsfeld: | [quite proud and eager] Sir, introducing the most powerful high-tech piece of anti-missile machinery EVER BUILT! [holds up a remote control] The new SDI system. And, [twirls slowly, in a flourish] the command module has been installed right here in the Oval Office. [presses a button and the wall painting rises to reveal a plasma screen and the President's desk top flips back] |
| George: | [reacting to the changes] Huh. [the control module appears before him] Whoa that's, that's pretty neat. |
| Karl: | It is very neat. From here we can destroy any incoming missile with a pin-point accurate laser from a satellite in outer space. |
| George: | Wow, that's incredible. Maybe we can do that, but these people can't connect my cable in less than three weeks! |
| Princess: | [rushes in] Sorry I'm late. [Karl turns to face her, and she stops before him] Sorry I'm late. I locked myself in my car again. |
| Karl: | Uh, Princess, could you excuse us? |
| Princess: | [making sure] But... I thought we were having an important SDI meeting. |
| Karl: | We are having an SDI meeting. You are leaving. |
| Princess: | Oh. I see. [walks out] |
| Rumsfeld: | Now, Mr. President, this new plasma-screen display is for targeting any spot on the globe, sir. |
| George: | Does it get cable? |
| Karl: | No! Mr. President, it doesn't get cable! Please, this system is very complex! It's very important that you understand how it works! |
| George: | I got it! I got it! I understand it completely! It's fine. |
| Cable guy: | [on the phone] Okay, sir. |
| George: | NO! No, not you! It's not fine with you! Oh, don't hang up!! Ohhh! [slams the phone receiver against the base repeatedly] |
| [The master bedroom. Laura is cleaning up a bit in there, Princess walks in] | |
| Princess: | Mrs. Bush, can I talk to you? |
| Laura: | Yes, Princess. |
| Princess: | Am I stupid? |
| Laura: | [starts to answer, but freezes. Then she holds Princess's hands] Oh, sweetie. [tries to say something positive, but comes up blank.] |
| Princess: | [lets go and walks away a bit] I mean, I'm supposed to be the executive assistant scheduler to the President. But every time something important comes up, they make me leave. They think I'm a complete moron. |
| Laura: | [walks up to soothe her] Now, now honey, you can be a little forgetful sometimes, but, it's not like you put your shirt on backwards. [Princess checks her shirt and is astonished to find she did put it on backwards] Okay, so maybe you do put your shirt on backwards - that doesn't mean anything. [Princess goes to sit on the bed as Maggie enters the room] |
| Maggie: | What's wrong? |
| Laura: | Princess is upset. |
| Princess: | I think I might be stupid. |
| Maggie: | Well, maybe it has to do with that silly pet name everybody has for you. I mean, Princess doesn't sound all that mature. |
| Princess: | But... that's my name. |
| Maggie: | Your actual name is Princess? |
| Princess: | [nods] Yes, Princess Lynne Stevenson. I was named after Princess Diana. [Maggie and Laura look at each other] Do you think that makes me stupid? |
| Maggie: | It helps. |
| Princess: | But if I change my name, I probably won't get any smarter, huh? [Maggie and Laura look at each other, Princess remembers something] Do you know, I heard about these new pills. Smart drugs. Do you think those might work? [smiles hopefully. Maggie and Laura look at each other.] |
| Laura: | [breaks the silence] Yes! Why I think they work great! |
| Princess: | Really? |
| Laura, Maggie: | [nodding] Yeah! |
| Princess: | I'll go get some! [rises from the bed and runs out eagerly. Laura and Maggie watch her leave] |
| Laura: | Oh boy... |
| ["Your S.D.I. Program and You" George reads from this book on the living room sofa as the camera pulls back] | |
| George: | The graphics display utilizes a two-window interface for overview. [sets the book down] Eugh! Jesus, more confusing than microwave instructions. |
| Larry: | [opens the front door and enters] Hey George, it's your favorite neighbor! [turns to look outside] Say George, there's a piecost on your porch. |
| George: | What's a piecost? |
| Larry: | Three for pumpkin, four for cherry. [laughs at his own cleverness] |
| George: | Damnit Larry, I wish you'd stop barging in here! |
| Larry: | [walks up to the couch and sits next to George] Whatchoo readin'? |
| George: | Hey! HEY! [closes the manual quick] This is very classified President stuff. |
| Larry: | Really? [opens the book again] |
| George: | No! [wrests the book from Larry] You..! Larry, no! [succeeds, holds on tight to the book, and walks away from Larry] You can't look at it! This is all a nuclear missile war thing! |
| Larry: | Wow! I bet you could launch a whole army from this place, huh? |
| George: | Well, yeah, [suddenly eager to share, he returns to the couch and sits back down] it's pretty cool. [opens the book] You know, I can run everything from my office? [goes to one section of the book] Bombs, [flips to another section] missiles, ...I even got one of them fancy huge plasma-screen TVs. |
| Larry: | Wow! With cable?? |
| George: | [the smile fades to a grimace] No! Not with cable! |
| Larry: | Why George, I'm... I'm sorry. |
| George: | [stands up, closes the book] I called that cable company a thousand time, [walks to the desk and and slams the book down on it] and they keep sayin' they're gonna come, but they never come! |
| Larry: | Hey, I can get you cable for free. |
| George: | You CAN?! |
| Larry: | [laughing] Sure! I know how to break into the cable box out in the street; I'll have you up and runnin in no time! |
| George: | [excitedly] Wooooowww!! You'd do that for me?? |
| Larry: | Sure. [George jumps around with excitement] You're my friend, George. I'll do it for twenty bucks. [George dances around in gleeful excitement as Larry leaves] |
| [Princess's office. Maggie walks up to Princess, who is sitting at her desk, with a package.] | |
| Maggie: | [sets the box down before Princess] Princess, this was left at the door for you. |
| Princess: | Ohhh! My smart pills! [looks up at Maggie] I ordered them off the World Wide Internet |
| Maggie: | [looks at Princess for a little while. then turns away] Oh well then they're bound to work. |
| Princess: | [Reading from the box] "Memory enhancers." Take one to two pills daily to increase memory size. [removes the box from the package: "MAMMARY ENHANCERS." She opens the box and pulls out a little bottle of pills] Just think what twenty will do. [opens the bottle and pours a handful onto her right hand. She then swallows a few with gusto] |
| [The White House living room. George and Larry are wiring it for cable.] | |
| Larry: | Man oh man, I haven't laid this much cable since right after last year's Thanksgiving dinner, you get it? [laughs] |
| George: | Aww, cut it out, Larry. |
| Laura: | [enters the living room] What are you doin'? |
| George: | Oh! [runs up to her] Larry's fixin' it so we can have free cable! |
| Laura: | Isn't that illegal? |
| George: | [smiling giddily] Yeah! |
| Laura: | George, if you want cable in the White House, you should just pay for it like everyone else. |
| George: | Oh... Oh Laura! Let me 'splain something to you. These cable companies are huge million-dollar corporations. They're just tryin' to make a buck on us little guys! |
| Larry: | Booyah! |
| Laura: | [disappointed] I don't see how that's any different from stealin' a pack of gum from a grocery store. |
| George: | It's totally different! Look! Ih ih it's more like findin' a friend who's goin' out to buy some gum - I'm just gonna grab a piece and chew it before they care! [chuckles, but Laura is more displeased] Alright, alright, ih it's like somebody's gonna "beam" the gum through the cable, and then I'm jus' gonna ...splice in on it, and I'm gonna ...chew the gum. [laughs, but his charm isn't working. He tries again, with more gestures] Alright alright alright! It's like everybody's chewin' on a giant wad o'gum! Right? [Laura crosses her arms] And we all share this one HUGE MOUTH, right?! [sees his efforts failed] Oh grow up, Laura! [turns around and walks back to Larry. Laura turns and leaves] |
| Larry: | Hey George, look at the crack in my ass. [starts wiggling it] I'm like a real cable guy. Come on, look at it! [] |
| George: | Oh, cut it out, Larry! |
| Larry: | Lessee. Now I just gotta connect the co-ax to a ground. [makes a connection and gets a spark and some smoke. The lights flicker] Whoa! [in the Oval Office, the command module activates. The plasma screen appears on the wall and the desktop flips over to reveal the control module. In space, a satellite fires off a laser beam to a foreign government building. Its occupants feel the building shake. Back at the White House, George is fanning and blowing smoke away. Larry turns around...] Wrong wire. [wires the co-axial cable to the right wire] Here we go. [George eyes the TV and races to it. Larry follows. George clicks it on. He sees a nature progrm on and starts clicking through the channels] Feast your eyes, George! Ninety-six channels of goodness! |
| George: | Wow!! |
| [The Austrian Oberhaus. Dr. Klestil is in his office] | |
| Austrian Soldier 1: | [rushing into the President's office. Another soldier follows him in] Herr Klestil! Herr Klestil! ["Mr Klestil! Mr Klestil!"] |
| Dr. Klestil: | Was ist los?? ["What happened??"] |
| Austrian Soldier 1: | Die Yankees haben uns zerbombt! ["The Yankees have bombed us!"] |
| Dr. Klestil: | Ehrlich?! ["Really?"] |
| Austrian Soldier 2: | Sie haben die SDI Laser abgeschossen und das Oberhaus geschossen! ["They fired off the SDI Laser and hit the Oberhaus."] |
| Dr. Klestil: | [agitating] Mein Oberhaus? Ich wusste, das diese passieren wenn George Bush ist Bundespräsident geworden! ["My Oberhaus? I knew this would happen if George Bush became president!"] |
| Austrian Soldier 1: | Was machen wir? ["What are we gonna do?"] |
| Dr. Klestil: | [angered] Was machen wir? Wir streiken zurück! George Bush denkt, dass er ist recht, dass er österreichisch übernehmen kann? Nein! Bereiten sie unsere Missiles vor! ["What are we gonna do? We're gonna strike back! George Bush thinks he has the right to take over the Austrians?! No! Prepare our missiles!"] |
| Austrian Soldier 2: | Jawohl, mein Herr! ["Yes, sir!"] |
| [The White House living room. George and Larry are enjoying the free cable conenction on the couch.] | |
| George: | Man, this is great. All these channels, never have to leave the house. |
| Larry: | Yeah. You know, I wasn't sure about that Nancy Pimental chick at first, but now I, I gotta admit, I'd, I'd definitely let her give me a hand job. [red siren lights appear and a wail is heard] |
| Alarm voice: | Warning. Incoming missiles detected. Code red. |
| George: | What the hell's that? [Larry looks over and they shrug it off] |
| [The White House, night, Oval Office. Everything has been restored to its former state. The plasma screen is again behind the painting, the control module has flipped back to the desktop. The red sirens and wail are there as well, and Karl and Rumsfeld are looking out the windiws. George strolls in, with Laura following right behind.] | |
| George: | What's goin' on? |
| Karl: | [turns around] Mr. President, we have an unidentified nuclear missle headed straight for us! |
| George: | Really? From where? |
| Rumsfeld: | We don't know, sir. |
| George: | Those bastards! |
| Maggie: | Uh, when you say "heading here," do you mean here here? |
| Karl: | Washington DC, yes. |
| Maggie: | Aha. [turns around and scurries away] |
| Laura: | George, I'm scared. |
| George: | Me too, Laura. Me too. [looks over at Princess, who opens her bottle of enhancers and swallows a few more pills] |
| Rumsfeld: | It's okay! This is exactly what we bought this S.D.I. system for! |
| Karl: | [takes the remote and click it to open the control module] Yeah! Time to see what this puppy can do! |
| Rumsfeld: | Look, I'm Secretary of Defense. Let me do it. |
| Karl: | No. |
| George: | [rushes around to try out the module first] No, I'm the President. Let me! |
| Karl: | No. |
| Rumsfeld: | No, let me. |
| George: | No, let me! [they begin to bicker about who is to try it out] |
| Karl: | [stops the bickering] Alright alright gentlemen, please! Let me. |
| George: | No let me! [they resume the bickering. Laura and Larry look on.] |
| [White House meeting room. Karl is making an important announcement] | |
| Karl: | Ladies and gentlemen, at 8:15 this evening, an unidentified missile was fired at the United States. We are still tracking the source, but our brand new S.D.I. system, which many liberals were against, managed to successfully intercept the missile, allowing our country to remain safe, and me to be able to say, "Nyana nyana nya nya." |
| [The Oberhaus. the Austrians are watching the press conference] | |
| Karl: | We will continue our investigation. [Klestil taps the antenna on his little TV with his ponter to maintain picture] We repeat: the missile has been destroyed, and America is safe. |
| Klestil: | [shots off the TV with his pointer] Verdammt! ["Damnit!"] |
| Austrian Soldier 1: | Was machen wir jetzt? ["What shall we do now?"] |
| Klestil: | Der Plan B! ["Plan B!"] |
| Austrian Soldier 2: | [as Klestil walks over to a covered easel] Der Plan B? ["Plan B?"] |
| Klestil: | Wir müssen jenes Sytem SDI (pegetieren)! [removes the cover and points at the satellite] ...Irgendwie. Unseren Quellen sagen uns, dass der SDI (aufgebe plans staaten zu be rieben sie scheiss schiebe zu recken) das Weiss Haus! Vsss. Vsss. Vrrrm! WIR... graben unterirdisch, erreichen und dann herumschleichen das Weiss Haus und telefonieren mit Repair-Man hast du bestellt, ändern das Sytem und einmal reprogram ihre SDI. ["We have to ??? this SDI System! ...Somehow. Our contacts tell us that the SDI (gives plan states up too rubbed it shit push to strain) the White House! Vsss. Vsss. Vrrrm! WE ...dig underground, pop up and then crawl around the White House as telephone repairmen that they ordered, alter the system and reprogram the SDI once."] |
| Austrian Soldier: | Reprogram es? ["Reprogram it?"] |
| Klestil: | Den in WECKT ...brande es zurück auf Vsss Vrrm! ["At DAWN ...shoot it back! Vsss Vrrm!" He shows the new path of the signal and the laser - back to the White House. The soldiers react with some glee] Zerstören George Bush, das Weiss Haus, das System SDI! Haha! ["Destroy George Bush, the White House, the SDI system! Haha!" He's pleased with his plan] |
| Austrian "Princess": | [enters] Mein Herr, (Mass sie billig zu mich kerl gasse?) ["Sir, (Did it measure chap lane cheaply to me?)"] |
| Klestil: | [lustily] Oh ja, hahaha! ["Oh yes, hahaha!"] |
| Austrian "Maggie": | [enters behind her] Sie brauchen es mit ihre Darm?? ["You're doing it with her gut??" She makes a rounded-belly gesture. Klestil look at the maid, puzzled] |
| [White Hosue, day, living room. Laura enters with soem back.] | |
| George: | Hey Laura! Come sit. Dog Day Afternoon is on! |
| Laura: | George, I am not watching your bastard stolen cable! |
| George: | Stealin' cable's no big deal! Hey, I'm kind of like Al Pacino in this movie! He's a bank robber who steals; everyone roots for him! |
| Laura: | Oh, so you're a bank robber now, George. |
| George: | Yeah. Feels kind of good to stick it to the man. [gloats a bit] |
| Laura: | George! A. You are the man. And B. Al Pacino's character goes to jail at the end of Dog Day Afternoon. |
| George: | [looks around] He does? Oh... Well it's just a movie! |
| Maggie: | [enters] Hey rebel, your fat-free Hot Pocket's burning. |
| George: | [leaps off the couch and runs to the kitchen] Whooaa! [Princess enters with a larger bosom than ever before. Maggie and Laura approach her marveling at the size of her breasts. Princess beams with pride] |
| Maggie: | Jesus Christ, Princess! What happened to you?! |
| Princess: | I know! I've gotten way smarter! [glances at her bottle] These memory enhancement pills are really working. My brain is like a sponge now, just soaking up whatever information I can find. Go on. Ask me anything. Anything you want about the ingredients in cake mix. [hands Laura a box of cake mix] |
| Laura: | [looking the box over] Alright. Iiiiiis flour an ingredient in cake mix? |
| Princess: | [thinks long and hard] Yes. |
| Laura: | That's right! |
| Princess: | Aw, these things are awesome! [opens the bottle and swallows a few more in] |
| [White House, later. A saw cuts along the borders of a marble tile, and then the tile rises and sets down to one side. Dr. Klestil climbs out of the tunnel he created under the tile and climbs out. The other two soldiers climb out behind him.] | |
| Dr. Klestil: | Ziehen sie ihre Verkleidung auf! ["Pull off your disguises!" The soldiers look at him and get out of their uniforms. Underneath, they are wearing repairmen uniforms. He rings the door bell and Maggie goes to answer the door] |
| Maggie: | Yes? |
| Dr. Klestil: | Telefonieren mit Ausbesserung. ["Telephone repair."] |
| Maggie: | What? |
| Dr. Klestil: | Telefonieren, ring-ring. ["Telephone, ring-ring."] |
| Other Soldiers: | Ring-ring. |
| Maggie: | I didn't hear anything about a phone needing repair. |
| Dr. Klestil: | Seigen! Ich mache es, also haben sie es bestellt! ["Show me! I'm here because they've ordered it!" The taller soldier pats him on the shoulder to calm him down. Klestil tries a softer approach] Ich meine, Hab mit Telefon-Ausrüstung, nicht wahr, meine kleine kitzlige Blume? ["I mean, do I really have phone equipment, my little ticklish flower?"] |
| Maggie: | Alright, I guess if gate security let you pass. [she allows the men in and leaves. The men enter the living room] |
| Dr. Klestil: | Finden sie die SDI! ["Find the SDI!" The three men start scouring the room] |
| George: | [looking on from the stairwell, whispers to himself] Oh Christ! They're here! [runs up the stairs] |
| [The master bedroom. George runs in] | |
| George: | Laura! [she turns around] Laura, you gotta help me! |
| Laura: | Why? |
| George: | The cable company's here! They found out! |
| Laura: | Well George, I told you so. |
| George: | Honey! Sweetie! You'er gonna have to take the fall on this one. |
| Laura: | What?? |
| George: | Laura, I'm the President! If the people found out I stole cable, it could tear this country apart. Go down there and say it was your idea. |
| Laura: | Oh no, George! [walks past him and out the door] I took the fall when you strangled that condor! I'm not doin' it again! |
| George: | [picks up the phone and calls someone] Larry! Larry, you gotta get over here and disconnect the cable. I don't care if you're... entertaining a lady friend. I don't care if it's Nancy Pimental! I don't care if she's giving you a hand jo-!! Just get over here!! |
| [The Oval Office. Karl is reading a military report] | |
| Karl: | Wait a minute. According to this that missile came from Austria. [Princess and Rumsfeld are pressent. Princess's chest is even bigger now. Rumsfeld is considering something very intensely...] |
| Rumsfeld: | That's what our intelligence reports show... [Princess looks at him] |
| Karl: | You mean lederhosen, polka-dancing, beer-drinking Sound of Music Austria? |
| Rumsfeld: | [obviously distracted] Uh huh... [the three Austrians enter the room] |
| Karl: | Who the hell are you? |
| Dr. Klestil: | Telefonieren mit Ausbesserung, briing briing. ["Telephone repair, ring-ring."] |
| Austrian Soldiers: | Briing briing. |
| Karl: | [connecting the dots] Uh oh! [bolts for the phone] |
| Dr. Klestil: | [the soldiers draw their guns] Bewegen sie nicht! ["Don't move!"] |
| Karl: | Oh God! |
| Dr. Klestil: | Wo ist das System SDI? ["Where is the SDI System?" He snaps his aim to Princess. Princess raises her hands in surrender] |
| [The White Hosue living room. Maggie is watching TV. George comes down the stairs once again, but stealthily] | |
| George: | [peeking from behind a corner] Are they still here?? |
| Laura: | Who? |
| George: | The guys who were here! |
| Laura: | They went to the Oval Office. |
| George: | Oh perfect! [bolts from the corner to the TV, then wrestles the cable off the TV's back] |
| Maggie: | [sits up] What are you doing?? |
| George: | If I get rid of this thing they'll have nothing on me! [tugs at the cable until the jack comes off the wall, bringing a chunk of the wall with it. The overhead painting drops to the floor] |
| Tour Guide: | [leading a group through the house, enters the room] This is the main room of the White House. [George is wrestling with the cable jack] Over here you can see the President destroying the wall for reasons we'll never understand. [George decides to stuff the cable down his pants as Maggie looks on. George lifts up her skirt to stuff the rest of the cable there] |
| Maggie: | Oh, I'll beat you down little man! [George removes the cable and soothes the skirt down, laughing sheepishly] |
| Larrye: | [barges in] Heeyy George! It's your favorite neighbor! [George sees him and makes his way over] Say George, there's a hole dug in yuor porch. |
| George: | Heh. Yeah. Yeah, I get it, Larry! [shoves the cable onto Larry's chest and pushes him back out the door] I'm supposed to say, "What's a holedug?" Hahahaha! [closes the door and stands against it. Maggie moves her gaze away from George and George soothes his suit, strides away and out of the room] |
| [The Oval Office. The Austrian soldiers have tied Prinicess, Karl, and Rumsfeld to some chairs, and the leader interrogates them] | |
| Dr. Klestil: | Werden sie uns zeigen, wo wo... Werden sie uns zeigen wo das SDI ist? ["Will you show us, where where... Will you show us where the SDI is?"] |
| George: | [walks by, looks in, and enters] What seems to be the problem, gentlemen? |
| Dr. Klestil: | [looks in surprise] George Bush! |
| George: | Is this all really necessary? I mean, nobody in this house stole cable. Go ahead. Have a look around. [the soldiers look aroujd, snap back to look at George, and tie him to a chair] Hey, come on guys, you're takin' this too far! |
| Dr. Klestil: | Der berühmte George Bush. Warum hast du so traurige Augen? Mmm? Bist du weckt nicht? (Denken sie das haben wir haltgewandt? Und haben sie genossen Benützer unserer Stadt?) ["The famous George Bush. Why do you have such sad eyes? Aren't you awake? (Do they think that we stopped and turned? And did they enjoyed our city-dwellers?)"] |
| George: | Huh? ...Look, if I'm gettin' free cable, I know nothin' about it. |
| Dr. Klestil: | STOP Vergeuden meiner Zeit, Herr Bush! ["STOP wasting my time, Mr. Bush!"] |
| George: | I don't know what you're talkin' about. |
| Dr. Klestil: | LIAR! Sie wissen. Und sie müssen uns sagen. ["LIAR! You know. And you have to tell us."] |
| Austrian Soldier 1: | Herr Klestil, schauen sie dies an. ["Mr. Klestil, look at this!"] |
| Dr. Klestil: | Aha. Ist das was wir suchen? ["Aha! Is that what we're looking for?"] |
| George: | No! That's not a remote control for cable, that's for the S.D.I. system. [Karl and Rumsfeld react violently to George's statement] Look. [activates the module. The module and plasma screen appear, Karl and Rumsfeld go limp] |
| Dr. Klestil:: | A-ha! [takes the remote. He and the other soldiers start bickering over it, as George, Karl, and Rumsfeld did before] |
| Austrian Soldier 2: | Lass mich! |
| Klestil: | Gib her, Dieter! Sie gehört mir! |
| George: | Hey! We can't let those cable guys mess with the S.D.I. system! [Karl and Rumsfeld react violently, but can't get losoe] |
| Princess: | Don't worry, Mr. President, I just drank a whole bottle of those smart pills. I'll think of something any second. |
| George: | [sees the soldiers making plans] They're gonna blow us up! Alright alright, I stole cable!! I admit it!! |
| Princess: | Think Princess think! [thinks hard, and her breasts blow up like balloons. The ropes fall away and George looks on in astonishment. As the soldiers bicker away, Princess quickly unties Karl and Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld quickly sets a new target and presses the firing button. A laser comes in through the window and zaps the three soldiers] |
| Austrian Soldiers: | AAA!! [the stand there, charred and smoking] |
| George: | Oh God, we killed the cable guys! |
| Karl: | Princess. You did it! |
| Rumsfeld: | You saved us all. |
| Princess: | [looks at the two men, then] I'm smart! Smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart... |
| [The White House living room. Maggie and Larry are sitting on the couch and armchaiar, respectively. George and Laura stand behind the couch, next to a table lamp. The charred bodies are being carted away on gurneys.] | |
| Karl: | [trailing the paramedics] Alright. I have spoken with the new President of Austria, and he accepted our apologies. |
| George: | Oh... Good. |
| Larry: | So they weren't from the cable company after all? They were just... Austrians? [Karl and Rumsfeld nod in the affirmative] |
| George: | Doesn't matter. I'm not puttin' that bootleg cable device back on my TV anyway! |
| Maggie, Larry: | Oohhhh! |
| George: | Because stealin' from huge corporations is still stealing. And I was wrong to ever think otherwise. [looks at Laura, who erflects his feelings] |
| Laura: | Good for you, George. |
| George: | Not only that, I'm gettin' rid of the entire S.D.I. system! |
| Karl, Rumsfeld: | Oohhhh! |
| George: | Puts too much power in the hands of the wrong people! Namely, me! |
| Laura: | I understand you saved everyone, Princess. Looks like you're not so stupid after all. |
| Princess: | Yeah, but you know, I'm not gonna take those pills anymore. |
| Karl, Rumsfeld, Larry, George: | Oohhhh! |
| Princess: | I don't like being smart. It carries a lot of responsibility, and I feel I can't relate to common folk anymore. [flexes her back] Besides, being smart makes my back hurt. |
| All: | Ooohhh. |
| Laura: | Well, I'm glad everything's back to normal. Let's all have some dinner and enjoy this quiet time before George blows up another European country! |
| George: | One of these days, Laura, Ich werde streiken du in au Kopf!!! ["I'm gonna punch you in the face!!!"] |
| [End of S. D. I - Aye - AYE!] |