The Stars of
Baseketball
by Wild Willie Westwood
Joseph R. "Airman" Cooper, aka Coop, and Doug "Sir Swish" Remer
As a boy, Coop wanted to be a sports star, but didn't get anywhere as an adult. He learns of a party hosted by Brittany Keiser, and he and Remer crash it. No one will talk to them, so they go to the garage and just shoot hoops. Two guys challenge them to a game, and they learn they can't even shoot well. So, as a way to win the game, Coop and Remer think up a new game and use that to win. They refine the game and give it a name: baseketball. They begin to play other teams and an unofficial league develops. They meet Denslow, and the NBL is born. Five years later Coop meets a woman he falls for, but Remer gives him competition. Remer also makes a deal with Baxter Cain that will compromise the team if Coop and Remer show up at a game Cain doesn't want them to be in. When Coop learns of the deal, he has to clean it up for his team's integrity and for his girlfriend's foundation, and her respect. The Beers make it to Denslow Cup V and win.
Kenny "Little Bitch" Scolari, aka Squeak, and his girl
Kenny joins the team when he goes to shut off the gas to Coop and Remer's home. Kenny is soon fired for failing to collect payment and he moves in with them. He's always the one teased on, but he stays on the team. He meets his girl at a bar one night when he's out with Coop and Joey. He sees her at the game that night, and he sees her once more when the Beers win Denslow Cup V. Remer thinks she's actually a man.
Jenna Reed and Joey Thomas
Jenna meets Coop because the kids she cares for at the Dream Come True Foundation, which she runs, are big fans of his. Coop likes her, but Remer is trying to take her away from him. When Cain learns that Coop is seeing Jenna, he contacts the Foundation's board of directors and gets funding to the Foundation cut, opening the way to a shady deal and blackmail which Coop has to fix before he loses his team and his girl.
Joey is a big fan of Coop's, so he's one of the reasons Jenna stays with Coop in the end. Joey came to Coop's attention when Jenna was telling Coop about the kids. She mentioned that Joey was going into the hospital for a kidney transplant, so Coop came to see Joey after the game (and operation) to see how he was doing. Joey came through with flying colors. During the finals Joey made a new baseketball for Coop in case the LA-Z-BOY should pop. Joey arrived at the game just in time to give the ball to Coop, as the LA-Z-BOY did indeed pop and Coop didn't find any other baseketball with just the right feel, and gave it to Coop. Coop scores the winning shot with it.
Ted Denslow, Yvette Denslow, and Baxter Cain
Ted Denslow founded the NBL and owned the first team, the Beers. He choked on a hot dog during Denslow Cup IV, which led to the second straight loss for the Beers in the Denslow Cup finals. When he passed away he gave his team, the Beers, to Coop, which Yvette was shocked by. She was expecting the team to be hers. Cain plots with her various ways to take the team away from Coop, but each one fails until he sees the woman Coop is interested in. At Denslow Cup V, during Squeak's speech, Yvette realizes just how evil Cain is and dumps him. Remer gets her for himself in the end.
The Sportscasters and other Media
Bob Costas and Al Michaels, Kevin Mayne and Dan Patrick
Jim Lampley, Tim McCarver, News Anchor, Unsolved Mysteries host, Pat O'Brien
Bob Costas and Al Michaels cover all the Beers games. Of the two, Al is more given to ogling the cheerleaders. Kevin Mayne and Dan Patrick try to untangle the playoff picture for Denslow Cup V, but probably don't make much headway in that area. Jim Lampley talkes to the winners of Denslow Cup IV, the Dallas Felons, in their locker room. He spends most of the time talking to Baxter Cain. Tim McCarver talks to the losers of Denslow Cup IV, the Beers, one by one, then closes his report in the locker room while Squeak is being sucked under by the hot tub. The news anchor covers the Dallas Felons' victory in Denslow Cup IV and presents riot footage of celebrations in Dallas. The Unsolved Mysteries host presents segments on Coop, asking where he is and later showing what he's been doing since he disappeared. The host still doesn't know where Coop is, but Jenna and the kids know. Pat O'Brien, on behalf of the Major Baseketball League, presents the Beers with the Denslow Cup and sends them around the bases for a victory lap.
Other Baseketball Players and Staff
Dirk Jansen, Darcy, Tuttle, Referee Pete, Beers Ballgirl
Jansen looks like a formidable player, but his psych-outs are often weak and he's too easily psyched out. Darcy is psyched out when Remer shows him a shirt of his wife and Remer engaged in sex. Tuttle is the biggest player in the NBL, and Squeak has to find a way to psyche him out. Coop and Remer suggest he do this by saying Tuttle's mom didn't move around... never mind. Pete is one of the referee/umpires, and he notes on the night Coop plays drunk that Coop smells like Christian Slater. The Beers Ballgirl helps the players warm up for their turns at the squares or the home run circle.
Brittany's Party
Brittany Kaiser, Dr. Kaiser, Stephanie, Skidmark Steve
Britanny holds a high school reunion party, but doesn't invite Coop and Remer. They hear about it somehow and crash it. Remer is there because he wants to have sex with Britanny. Dr. Kaiser meets Coop and Remer and is amazed that they graduated high school. Stephanie grreets Coop and Remer and comments on how little they've changed. They accept it as a compliment, but she means it as an insult. Skidmark Steve had turned his life around and has a few advanced degrees and is trying out for the 1998 Olympics, cementing further just what losers Coop and Remer were.
Dale Earnhardt and Reggie Jackson
Jenna is lucky enough to have Dale Earnhardt be her driver when she and the kids hail a taxi to get to Beers Garden as soon as possible. One request to go faster has him driving as he usually does on the track, and stopping has him release a parachute to help in braking. Reggie Jackson is Coop's childhood idol, and it was because of him that he wanted to become a big sports star. Reggie shows up for the last game of the finals in Denslow Cup V and doesn't talk to Coop until the Beers win the game. Coop, as it turns out, caught the third home run ball Reggie hit many years ago. Reggie gives Coop the deflated LA-Z-BOY and tells him not to lose that.
Surgeon, Surgery Nurse, Hospital Nurse, Factory Manager, Fireman
Reel Big Fish
The surgeon and his nurse comment on the elevated levels of sugar and sodium in Joey's blood system the night of the kidney operation. The nurse says Joey smells like Robert Downey Jr. The hospital nurse looks after Joey after the kidney operation, and she ends up chasing Coop, Remer, and Squeak out of Joey's room when they mistakeknly think Joey is dead and try to revive him with the heart paddles. The Beerswear factory owner shows Coop around the factory, but insists that Coop wear a hard hat, which looks like a turban. Coop sees the child labor involved and determines to replace the kids with trained adults. The fireman finds Coop and Remer kissing and figures they don't need to be helped out of the small volcano they're in during the seventh inning stretch in the final game of Denslow Cup V. Reel Big Fish is the Beers' house band.