Things To Learn From
The Book of Mormon

by Wild Willie Westwood


Hasa Diga, Eebowai - Fuck you, God
Ma Ha Nei Bu, Eebowai - Thank you, God
From this, you can see that "Mahaneibu" means "Thank", and "Hasadiga" means "Fuck." The pronoun is understood, so not necessary. (yes, I ran those two words together in each case, since they translate into one word in English. Of course, these don't mean anything in any real language. :D). If the words were Ha Maneibu and Ha Sadiga, then "Ha" would be "You."

JUMAMOSI! - Could be just the way the general introduces himself, but almost every time he says it, a guard or two rushes up to guard him, so it means "GUARD!" or "GUARDS!".

In the official script, the general calls himself "Butt-fucking Naked," because when he drinks the blood of his victims, he does it butt-fucking naked.

Two Mormon missionary rules are mentioned in the play, so I went out and got a complete list of rules (167 in all), then rearranged them to cut out redundancies and streamline them. See:

The Rules for the Mormon Missionary

  1. Learn and obey all missionary rules.
  2. Rules of conduct

  3. Keep your thoughts, words, and actions in harmony with the gospel message.
  4. Read only books, magazines, and other material authorized by the Church.
  5. Don't debate or argue.
  6. Center your mind on your mission.
  7. Study for 2 hours every morning.
  8. Write in your journal regularly.
  9. Follow the "Missionary Gospel Study Program" (31157) for your personal study.
  10. Regularly study the Missionary Guide and the Discussions.
  11. Attend
    1. Sunday priesthood or Relief Society meetings, Sunday School, and sacrament meeting.
    2. The general session of Stake Conference.
    3. General conference broadcasts if available.
    4. No other church meetings unless you have a special assignment or are bringing an investigator. (someone interested in joining)
  12. Arise at 6:30 on preparation day and study for 2 hours from the approved books.
  13. Take care of your physical preparation for the week on preparation day: wash your clothes, clean your apartment, wash your car, get your haircut, and shop for groceries.
  14. Plan safe, wholesome, and uplifting activities for preparation day.
  15. Do not go on road trips.
  16. Do not leave your assigned area without permission:
    District leaders must approve travel outside your area within the district.
    Zone leaders must approve travel outside your district within the zone.
    The mission president must approve travel outside the zone.
  17. Rules of Housing

  18. Your mission president must approve your housing.
  19. Do not live with single or divorced people of the opposite sex.
  20. Do not live where the spouse is frequently absent.
  21. Your living unit must have a private bath and entrance.
  22. Rules of Health and Hygiene

  23. Dress conservatively.
    1. Elders: white shirts, conservative ties, and business suits.
    2. Sisters: conservative colors and skirts that cover your knees. No floor-length skirts or dresses.
  24. Cut your hair regularly.
  25. Keep your hair clean and neatly combed at all times in the approved style.
  26. Be neat and clean.
  27. Bathe frequently.
  28. Use deodorant.
  29. Polish your shoes.
  30. Iron your shirt and business suit.
  31. Turn off your lights at 10:30 P.M., sleep from 10:30 to 6:30, and arise at 6:30 A.M. (This is Rule 23 in the play)
  32. You may occasionally fast for a special reason, but generally the monthly fast is sufficient.
  33. Do not fast longer than 24 hours at a time.
  34. Do not ask friends, relatives, and members to join in special fasts for investigators.
  35. Maintain your health.
  36. Eat a healthy diet.
  37. Exercise regularly, and follow the approved exercise program.
  38. Keep your body, clothes, dishes, linens, towels and housing unit clean.
  39. Dispose of your garbage properly and promptly.
  40. Follow the safety rules for all of your stuff.
  41. Seek medical care if you are in an accident or become sick.
  42. Be immunized.
  43. Rules of Correspondence

  44. Only write letters to family members and friends at home.
  45. Write
    1. to your parents every week on preparation day,
    2. less frequently to your siblings, friends, and acquaintances,
    3. and not with any friends or acquaintances that are within or close to your mission boundaries, except as a part of official mission business.
  46. Do not telephone parents, relatives, friends, or girlfriends (or boyfriends, or significant others)
  47. Contact your mission president in case of an emergency.
  48. Take problems and questions to your mission president.
  49. Do not write to the President of the Church or to other General Authorities. Letters from missionaries to General Authorities are referred back to the mission president.
  50. Rules of Companionship

  51. Never be alone. Stay with your companion during all activities.
  52. Be loyal to your companion. (This is Rule 72 in the play)
  53. Always address your companion as Elder or Sister.
  54. Every day, pray, study, and plan your work with your companion.
  55. Take time at least once a week for companionship inventory.
  56. Seek to be one in spirit and purpose and help each other succeed.
  57. Sleep in the same bedroom as your companion, but not in the same bed. (This is the only rule concerning same-sex relations)
  58. Do not arise before or retire after your companion.
  59. Frequently study with your companion the Missionary Guide section on companions.
  60. Ask your mission president for help if your companion is "having difficulties" or isn't obeying the rules.
  61. Rules of Relations with the Opposite Sex

  62. Never be alone with anyone of the opposite sex.
  63. Never associate inappropriately with anyone of the opposite sex. (should be "of either sex" now)
  64. Do not flirt, date, or communicate via phone or letter with anyone of the opposite sex living within or near mission boundaries.
  65. Do not visit a single or divorced person of the opposite sex unless accompanied by a couple or another adult member of your sex.
  66. Rules Against Sports and Entertainment

  67. Do not participate in or sponsor athletic teams.
  68. Do not engage in
    1. contact sports
    2. water sports
    3. winter sports
    4. motorcycling
    5. horseback riding
    6. mountain climbing
  69. Do not embark on a private boat or in a private airplane
  70. Do not handle firearms or explosives
  71. Do not swim
  72. Do not play basketball on a full court, in leagues, or in tournaments. A half court is permitted.
  73. Do not
    1. watch television.
    2. view unauthorized videocassettes. (updated to DVDs and Blu-rays, I'm sure)
    3. listen to the radio.
    4. listen to unauthorized audiocassettes or CD’s.
    5. participate in musical groups. (no missionaries can participate in a play)

    Rules of Proselytization

  74. Proselytize for 10 hours between 9:30 A.M. and 9:30 P.M.
  75. Proselytize as much as possible on weekends and holidays, because this is when you'll find people home.
  76. End your preparation day at 6:00 P.M. and proselytize from 6:00 P.M. to 9:30 P.M.
  77. Wear your missionary uniform in public on preparation day while not engaged in recreational activities.
  78. Try to teach single investigators in a member’s home or have missionaries of the same sex teach them.
  79. Always follow the above rules, even if the situation seems harmless.
  80. Use the commitment pattern to get referrals from members.
  81. Keep your dinner visits with members brief during the customary dinner hour in the area.
  82. Remember to say thank you to those who feed you.
  83. Visit members and nonmembers only at appropriate times.
  84. Do not counsel or give medical treatment.
  85. Do not stay in the homes of people when they are on vacation.
  86. Rules of Dealing with Native Cultures

  87. Obey all mission rules.
  88. Obey the laws of the land.
  89. Respect the cultures, customs, traditions, and property of the people whom you are trying to convert to your own customs and culture.
  90. Respect the beliefs, practices, and sites of other religions.
  91. Do not get involved in politics or in commercial activities
  92. Do not say or write anything bad about the political and cultural circumstances where you serve.
  93. Do not give any information about the area.
  94. Do not become involved in adoption proceedings.
  95. Do not suggest or encourage emigration.
  96. Be courteous.
  97. Provide community service that is approved by your mission president for no more than 4 hours a week, and not during the evening, weekend or holidays — those are peek proselytizing times
  98. Rules of Finance

  99. Spend your money only on things relating to your mission. Do not waste it on souvenirs or unnecessary items.
  100. Budget your money carefully.
  101. Keep a record of what you spend.
  102. Do not spend more than your companion.
  103. Do not loan or borrow money.
  104. Pay your bills before leaving an area.
  105. Pay cash for all resale literature and supplies ordered from the mission office.
  106. Be a frugal photographer.
  107. Do not accumulate excess baggage.
  108. Obey custom laws and regulations.
  109. Pay fast offerings each fast Sunday to the bishop or branch president where you serve.
  110. Pay tithing on outside sources of income (i.e. interest) to your home bishop or branch president.
  111. Evaluate your funds a few months before the end of your mission. If you have more than you need, ask that less be sent so that you can return home without excess money.
  112. Rules of the Road

  113. Do not drive without a license.
  114. Do not drive the cars of members or nonmembers. Drive only Church-owned vehicles.
  115. Do not give rides to members or investigators in Church-owned cars.
  116. Use cars only on approved mission business and only within the assigned geographical area.
  117. Be conscious of safety at all times.
  118. Drive defensively.
  119. Wear your seat belt.
  120. Pray for the Lord’s protection while driving.
  121. If your companion is driving, assist him or her.
  122. Do not tamper with the vehicle’s odometer.
  123. Know bicycle safety rules.
  124. Use extreme caution on your bicycle.
  125. Do not ride your bicycle after dark, in heavy traffic, or in adverse weather conditions.
  126. Rules of Tramsferral

  127. Keep a reserve fund of $50 to $100 at all times for transfers.
  128. When transferred, go directly to your new area and find your new companion without delay.
  129. Have a maximum of two suitcases and a briefcase.