Cannibal! The Musical

Cast

George Noon
Black Cat
Noon's Father
Guard #2
Liane, the horse
Mills
Shannon Bell
Drummer
O.D. Loutzenheiser / The Cyclops
Israel Swan
Preston Nutter
Sheriff of Lake City
Tiny Tim / Baby Packer
The Dropout
Sheriff of Saguache
Alferd Packer
Judge Jerry
Indian Chief
Piano Player
Frank Miller
General Store Clerk
Frenchy Cabazon
Guard #1
James Humphries
Voice of Doom
Tomato Thrower
Thug in Bar #1
Polly Pry
Thug in Bar #2
Humphrey's Father
Junichi
Tomomi
Confused Guy
Dian Bachar
Stephen Blackpool
Stan Brackhage
Dan Brother
Duster
Brad Gordon
Ian Hardin
Dave Hardin
Edward Henwood
Jon Hegel
Andrew Kemler
Steve Jackson
Jessica James Kelly
M.K.
Marty Leeper
Juan Schwartz
Randy Parker
Masao Maki
Dirk Martin
Jason McHugh
Joe McHugh
Robert Muratore
Carter Smith
Mathew Stone
Aubrey Strafferd
Edith Swanson
Cole Taylor
Toddy Walters
Mark Welby
Don Yannacito
Junichi
Tomomi
Kevin Allen


The film you are about to see was originally
released in 1954. Upstaged by the overwhelming
popularity of "Oklahoma!", it's short-lived
theater run was cancelled, and "Alferd Packer:
The Musical" soon fell into obscurity.
The original negative, re-discovered just last year,
has been painstakingly restored using
state-of-the-art color enhancing and computer
reconstruction technology. The film's
violent scenes have been edited out for your
viewing pleasure.
Intro:[Music comes up behind the advisory above. Several seconds later, some barren woods in the dead of winter appear. The camera stumbles through them as if it's looking from somebody's perspective. The day is cloudy, but sunlight filters through. A bearded man is running from something or someone, but a bearded man wearing a black har appears behind, bites into his right shoulder]
Man 1:DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [a third man, wearing a red shirt, watching from behind a small tree. The black-hatted man ripes the arm out of his victim] DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Man 2:[a fourth man runs at him out of nowhere] Packerrr! [The black-hatted man, Packer, strikes him down with one swing of his victim's arm, then continues beating him with that arm] Jeepers!
Someone:For God's sake, turn back!
Man 3:[a fifth man comes up and tries to stop the beating, but Packer grabs him by the right arm and pulls him around to the from] Zowie! [Packer goes after his larynx. Packer's victim runs around in circles reeling from his missing right arm. Packer pulls out the laryns on the hfifth man and shakes around with his jaws clamped on it. He then goes after a sixth man wearing a duck hunter's hat, twists his head around so the neck snaps, and holds the head in a lock]
Man 4:[the man wearing the red shirt comes charging] Damn you Packer!
Packer!:Takety takety take! [grabs the man's lower jaw and pulls out down hard, then rips out the man's tongue slowly. His other victims are shown suffering. He raises the man's tongue high and lowers it slowly towards his mouth] AAAAAAHHH!!!
[A courthouse. A prosecutor is reenacting for the court what Packer was said to be doing that fateful day]
Prosecutor:...AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! [in a whispery voice] And then he cuts up the bodies.
Gentleman:Oh, gross! [a prim woman dressed in burgundy from head to toe is taking notes]
Prosecutor:And when he finally arrives, tired, [a shot of Packer, with wild eyes] beat, he says... "Oh, I don't know what happened to my companions. Th-they left me behind." And everybody believes him. They feel sorry for him. And they just let him go on to Saguache. Now, what would he have you believe? [drops voice to a near-whisper] That under... these... horrible conditions it was justified? [loudly] No, gentlemen of the jury, it is NEVER justified! To murder. [emphasis] Murder is wrong. [the judge works on a house of playing cards. The prosecutor goes to a low voice] So, I ask you to come back with a verdict... [loudly] to HANG this bastard for what he has done! [walks to the judge and taps the bench] The prosecution rests. [turns around and goes to his table. The courtroom erupts in applause, approving of the prosecutor's case.]
Packer:But that's not the way it happened...
[Opening credits, with paintings and musical selections from throughout the movie previewed here. The last painting is that of the sheriff's office, which transitions to a live shot in Lake City, Colorado, 1883. The sun is low in the sky. The prosecutor waits by the side of the building for someone]
Prosecutor:[sees that someone and steps out] Ms. Pry, hello.
Pry:[the woman in burgundy] Oh hello, Mr. Mills. [they meet at the office door]
Mills:Uh, are you busy?
Pry:I was gonna try and get an interview with Mr. Packer.
Mills:Now, how could you possibly want to spend your afternoon with a beast like that when you could spend it with a gentleman like myself, huh?
Pry:Believe me, I don't relish the thought of having to speak with him, or even be in the same room with him, but it's what I must do. I am a reporter.
Mills:[flattering] Yes, and a most beautiful one at that. Can we meet for dinner, then?
Pry:...Uh, when I'm done here, I'll be at the hotel.
Mills:[makes a mental note] Ah, at the hotel. [leaves]
Pry:If I can get him talking soon enough.
Mills:I'll give you a hint: If you wanna get him talking, ask him about Liane.
Pry:Liane?
Mills:Trust me. [turns around and struts off] At the hotel.
[Sheriff's office, inside. Ms. Pry opens the door and lets herself in]
Pry:Hello.
Packer:The sheriff's gone. [the quick reply startles her]
Pry:[studies Packer and his cell. Packer is working on a dollhouse, which seems pretty harmless] Good enough. [closes the door] I'm here to see you anyway. [walks up to the one cell in the office] My name is Polly Pry. I was wondering if I could uh, ask you a few questions about your... story.
Packer:[rises] My lawyer says I can't talk to reporters.
Pry:Oh. Yes, of course he did. That's very smart of him. But I'm not a reporter. You see, I'm just a... well, the truth is, I saw you, in the courtroom, and I thought to myself, "how... could this... handsome, intelligent man have ever done what they say he did?"
Packer:I didn't.
Pry:And then I thought about... how lonely you must be. In this dark, nasty cell all cooped up...
Packer:Hey, you really think so? This is the nicest place I've lived in in a long time.
Pry:...no one to talk to at all. And then I realized... how badly you must need someone to just... listen.
Packer:I do?
Pry:Uh huh. [the closer she gets, the more seductive the voice] And then I thought, maybe I should come down here and give you some company. [whispers] And maybe I would tell you some... secrets. And, you can tell me... secrets.
Packer:[whispers] Okay.
Pry:[whispers] So, what exactly happened during your trip to Breckenridge?
Packer:[whispers] I can't talk about that.
Pry:Okay. Let's talk about something else.
Packer:'K.
Pry:[walks away a bit, grabs a chair and brings it back to sit on] Oh, I know. Why don't you tell me about, uh... Liane?
Packer:[drops his dollhouse panels and lunges for the cell door] Do you know her?!
Pry:[whispers, startled] Yes. [normally] Yes. [chuckles] I know her well. I, I wanted to find out a little bit more about you too. Uh, was she, was she,... was she with you on your trip?
Packer:I don't know. My lawyer's supposed to come back any minute and he gets really angry-
Pry:Oh well, certainly your lawyer wouldn't mind you talking just a little bit about Liane. Especially to someone who's just a... simple... townsfolk.
Packer:No I... guess he wouldn't.
Pry:So... what was she like?
Packer:She was beautiful. She had... long, dark, shiny hair, and... And almond eyes. And... pointy ears, and, and, a fluffy tail. And she was fast, like this! [motions to one side quickly]
[Bingham Mine, Utah, 1873, day. Packer is riding across a clearing on his horse, which is what he was describing to Pry.]
Packer:Woohoo! Come on, girl! [he rides further along and slows down to sing]
The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green.
The suns's as warm as a baked potato.
I think I know precisely what I mean,
When I say it's a shpadoinkle day!

And as I ride with my girl
She's my best friend in the whole world.
We move along, set our goals high
With eyes full of hope as we aim for the-

Sky is blue, and all the leaves are green.
My heart's as full as a baked potato.
I think I know precisely what I mean,
When I say it's a shpadoinkle day!

[slowing down]
When I say it's a-happy-go-moinkly-lucky-shpadoinkly day!
[rides up to a mine shaft on which hangs a sign: Bingham Canyon. Miners mill around]
A Miner:[takes off his hat and waves to Packer] Hey. Mornin' Alf!
Packer:[smiles back] Mornin' Swan! [dismounts] Find any gold yet?
Swan:Huh, not in this gosh-darned canyon. That's why a group of us are going to Breckenridge today.
Packer:Breckenridge? In Colorado Territory?
Swan:That's the place. Say! You oughtta come with us! The more the merrier!
Packer:Aw shucks. I've love to go back to Colorado Territory.
Swan:I didn't know you were from Colorado Territory.
Packer:Yeah, well, I worked in Georgetown for a while before I came here.
Swan:[pleased] Huh. [grabs the wheelbarrow handles]
Packer:Say uh... who's guiding you there?
Swan:Lucky Larry. He's from Denver.
Packer:Do you think I could just talk with Lucky Larry?
Swan:Sure! I'm going to meet a group of them now.
Packer:Swell. [they head away from the mine. They reach a group of miners listening to a Mormon sermon]
Bell:...Some have said that Breckenridge is a heaven upon this earth. Thank the Lord, who had it loaned to us as long as we trust in the Lord. And let's not forget the story from the Book of Mormon, where Brigham Young planted many corn rows. And the locusts came and they began to eat his crops. And then the Lord sent down a flock of seagulls, who began to eat the locusts fifteen at a time. [several men carry a burnt body in a gray tarp through the crowd. Small flames still lick through the corpse]
Swan:My goodness! What is that?!
A Miner:Oh, that's Lucky Larry. He was struck by lightning last night. ["And everyone did gorge themsevles and came back and continued to eat the locusts."]
Packer:Gosh, is he, is he gonna bo okay? [three miners, including Swan, look at him. "And now, soon you will lay deep in my heart. And you will be safe, as long as you trust in the Lord"] ...What?
Bell:Now, we can't let ourselves get discouraged. They say there's enough gold in Breckenridge to build walls out of! The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I think this is a test of our will. My fellow Mormons know what I'm talkin' about. Trials and tribulations: that's what life's all about. Now, are we gonna let this one little thing keep us keep us from fulfillin' our dreams??
Miners:Yes!
Bell:Oh, come on, now, we've gotta be strong, don't we??
Miners:No!
Bell:But I'm telling you, we can still make it!
Miller:[wearing a floppy hat] Our guide is dead.
Bell:Well, there's gotta be someone from around here who knows that territory a bit. [looks around] Anybody?
Swan:[turns to Packer] Say, didn't you say you were from Colorado Territory?
Packer:Well, I I just worked there for a little whi-
Swan:Hey, this guy's from Colorado Territory!
Bell:Wonderful! What's your name, sir?
Packer:I'm Alferd Packer. This is my horse, Liane. [Liane lets loose a nasty fart.]
Miners:Eeewwww.
Packer:Hi.
Bell:There, you see?
Miller:Don't be stupid. Let's just go back to mining here.
Miners:Yeah.
Bell:But there's no gold here. When's the last time anyone made a strike?
Noon:[short] I'll go. [grumbling is heard]
Noon's Dad:No! Come on, son, we'll head out in the Spring.
Noon:But Dad, if we wait until the Spring, all the gold will be gone. I need to go out now!
Noon's Dad:Noooo. It's too dangerous. Uhhh, what if you get lost, or run out of food?
Noon:Dad, I can't be a little boy forever. Don'tcha understand?
Noon's Dad:No! I don't understand. Aw, go ahead. Break your mother's heart. [leaves]
Noon:[takes up his ax and hoists it on his shoulder] I'm in!
Bell:There, you see? Don't you all feel a little bit ashamed? This nice, young, brave-
Miller:Stupid!
Bell:Go on and laugh. That's fine.
Humphrey's Dad:[talking to one of his two sons] Son, why don't you go? [all three wear duck-hunter caps]
Humphrey:Huh?
Humphrey's Dad:You've always said you wanted to get out of Utah.
Humphrey:No I didn't!
Humphrey's Dad:Yes you did. I distinctly remember you saying you wanted to get out of Utah and go East.
Humphrey:No I didn't!!
Humphrey's Dad:Son, don't argue with me. If you go to Breckenridge now, you can stake a claim, and me and your brother can come out in the Spring. [The son is about to say something]
Bell:[background] Come on now, who's with me??
Humphrey's Dad:Son, don't argue with me. [to Bell] He's in. [the brother just laughs]
Bell:Wonderful! That makes five.
Miller:[sarcasticly] Good luck. [picks up his ax] You'll need it.
Miner:That's all. [the group disperses. Bell walks down and the short miner approaches him]
Noon:Say, when do we leave?
Swan:[arrives with Packer] The sooner the better, I'd say. [Humphrey approaches]
Bell:Well, let's ask our new guide. Mr. Packer?
Packer:I guess I'm ready whenever you guys are.
Bell:Well then, let's get packin'! [Humphrey scratches his ass]
Packer:What?? [Miller just looks at these guys, thinking them idiots, then goes back to picking for gold]
Bell: It's a long long way for us to go,
But if we don't try, we'll never know.
Stay optimistic, set our goals high.
There's nothin' we can't do if we aim for the-
Group: Sky is blue, and all the leaves are green!
The air's as pure as a baked potato!
We think we know exactly what we mean
When we say it's a shpadoinkle day!
When we say it's a shpadoinkle day!
Miller:Hey! [Packer looks over at him] How long is it goin' to take?
Packer:Oh. Not, not more than like, three weeks at the most.
Miller:[thinks it over] All right, let's go.
[Packer narrates the story for Pry. A map appears showing the Utah-Colorado border. A red line appears, stretching from the lower Salt Lake to Provo, Utah.]
Packer:And so Liane and I headed east, with the miners, thinking it would be a nice, happy trip. But then, four weeks later, we were just outside of Provo.
Miller:Three weeks my ass, Packer!
Packer:That's when I got my first bad feeling.
[The Utah desert, outside Provo, day. the miners walk through a barren, rocky place.]
Noon:Geez! Sure is a lot of walkin'. I swear, my legs are killin' me. How much further to Provo.
Packer:We, we gotta be really close now.
Bell:And then from Provo, how far is it to Breackenridge?
Packer:See, I always have Liane with me when I go out, so I don't know how long it's gonna take us on foot.
Humphrey:Gosh, I wish I had a horse. How much did you pay for yours, Packer?
Packer:I didn't. She's been mine since I was little.
Swan:Well, she certainly is a shpadoinkle horse.
Packer:Oh, hello. [a stranger appears before the group] Uh, could you tell us how much further it is to Provo?
Swan:We have to get some supplies for our big trip near the Rocky Mountains. [Packer giggles]
Ralph:You'll never come back again! It's got a curse on you!
Humphrey:Provo?
Ralph:[thrusts a pointing finger at the group] The Rocky Mountains. I gotta warn ya! You're doomed! Doomed! Doomed! [lowers the finger] You're doomed! [walks away] Doomed. [the man walks around the group. The miners follow his walk with their eyes] Turn back, while you still can. You're doomed. You're all doomed.
Packer, Swan:Thank you. [Swan waves good-bye. The group moves off]
[Provo, day. The miners have reached Provo and are now going to shop at the general store]
Someone:The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green. My heart's as pure nn...
Swan:[greeting a woman leaving the store] Howdy! [a black cat standing around turns and hops off the porch. Trey kisses Liane]
Someone:Here kitty kitty kitty. Here kitty.
[the general store, inside]
Bell:Howdy?
Clerk:Howdy?
Noon:Howdy?
Clerk:Howdy?
Swan:[takes off his hat] Howdy do?
Clerk:Howdy?
Miller:Howdy?
Clerk:Howdy do?
Humphrey:Howdy?
Clerk:Howdy?
Packer:Howdy do?
Clerk:Howdy?
Packet:Hey, they've got maps of Colorado Territory.
Miller:[by the cash register] Jesus, now he need a fucking map!
Bell:Miller, if you don't wanna go, then don't go. But if you can't get along with the others, I'm gonna have to put you in time-out.
Miller:In what?
Bell:Anyone who can't get along with the others has to sit twenty feet away by themselves, for an hour.
Swan:That's a good idea. Gives you a chance to cool down when things get steamed up.
Bell:Exactly. [Miller just turns around slowly] You've gotta be kidding me. [walks away]
Humphrey:[replaces Packer by the cash register, looks inside a candy bowl] You guys! They have fudge here!
Noon:What about blankets? Shouldn't we got more?
Bell:That's a good idea. Let's just do this as quickly as possible. I think we're already running a little behind schedule.
Miller:[checking produce] What schedule?
Swan:[off screen] Do we have a schedule, Mr. Packer? [Humphrey stands next to Packer. Packer notices something outside. Three rough-looking men are checking Liane out. Packer's jaw drops as his face appears under the sun through the window. He runs out of the store] Mr. Packer?
[Outside the general store. Packer composes himself, puts on his hat, and approaches the men. One of the men is stroking Liane's face]
Cabazon:Is this your horse?
Packer:[dumbstruck] Eyup.
Cabazon:Purty. [Packer looks at the other two men, who are rather imposing]
Packer:[grabs the first man's hand and shakes it] I'm Alferd Packer.
Cabazon:Franchy Cabazon
Packer:Oh, you're you're French.
Cabazon:...No. [they release hands]
Packer:Oh.
Cabazon:We're just uh, stopping through your quaint little town here on the way to Colorado Territory.
Packer:[crosses his arms] Oh uh, I'm not from here. In fact, I'm, I'm leading a... party to... Colorado Territory myself.
Nutter:[with handlebar mustache] Whereabouts.
Packer:Breckenridge
Nutter:Is that near Saguache?
Packer:Saguache is... [Humphrey strolls out of the general store and walks up behind Packer] Yeah, yeah, it's near Saguache. [the others follow carrying supplies, and Packer notices]
Cabazon:Say, you dudes wanna trade some furs for the trip? [digs around through his satchel and pulls out a few pelts] We got rabbits and beavers. [the pelts are still bloody]
Swan:Ogh, how horrible!
Humphrey:Well where's you guys get all those little dead animals?
Loutzenheizer:We're trappers, stupid.
Packer:Poor little bunny rabbits.
Cabazon:[puts the pelts back in the satchel] Figured you were all trappers too. [looks at Liane, then back at Packer] She's an Arabian, ain't she?
Packer:Yeah.
Cabazon:[sniffs] Arabian's a trapper horse. [Packer squints at Cabazon, Cabazon raises his eyebrows, Liane just stands there]
Loutzenheizer:You ain't trappers
Miller:No, we're miners.
Nutter:You're diggers!
Loutzenheizer:A trapper horse ain't supposed to be with no digger.
Humphrey:[sarcastic] Nice hat. [the miner looks up at his hat, which still has the skunk eyes on it]
Cabazon:[chuckles] Oh boy, a bunch of diggers traipsin' through the Rockies in the middle of winter. [laughs] That's rich.
Nutter:I'll say.
Cabazon:Don't you boys know how scary the mountains are? [beat] Whatcha gonna do if you run into some Injuns? [beat] Or the Cyclops?
Humphrey:There's no Cyclops in the Rocky Mountains, is there you guys?
Bell:We're not afraid of anything. We have Jesus on our side.
Cabazon:Oh well, if you're not scared or anything... [ducks to one side, then jumps at Packer] Boo!
Packer:Aaaah! [loses his balance and ends up on his back. The trappers leave Liane and head for the general store]
Cabazon:Have a nice trip, boys. [the trappers have the word "TRAPPERS" sewn onto the backs of their coats]
Bell:[dismissive] Good-bye.
Swan:So, who's cookin' dinner tonight?
Humphrey:I'll cook! I'm a great cook.
Miller:Humphrey, everyone knows you're a chronic liar.
Humphrey:... But I can! I'm a super cook!
[A campfire. Humphrey cooks up some mess in a small pot, then looks around]
Miller:You sonofabitch, Humphrey.
Humphrey:Oh, come on! You haven't even tried it yet. [hands Miller some mess in a dish. Miller tastes it and chews it around a bit]
Miller:You sonofabitch, Humphrey.
Humphrey:Hmph.
Swan:Mmmm! This stuff is great! [next to him, Bell reads "Homer's Odyssey"] Can I- Can I have more of that yellow stuff?
Packer:[grooming Liane] Hey, do you guys think it's true, that... she's a trapper horse?
Bell:Oh, a horse is a horse.
Humphrey:Of course.
Packer:Of course, but... I don't think Arabians even are trapper horses. Are they?
Swan:All that matters, Mr. Packer, is that you're good to that horse. Trappers never are.
Bell:He's right.
Miller:God, you guys make me sick. What is this, a feel-good convention?
Bell:Now listen, we've got a long journey ahead of us, and it's important that we all get along. Now, you're huring people's feelings. You're gonna have to find a more constructive way to express your anger.
Miller:Okay. Well fuck you! How's that for constructive?
Bell:That's great. Now go to time-out, mister.
Swan:We warned you.
Miller:[looks at Swan and Bell long and hard, then leaves] God, you guys are weird! [squats on a boulder near Humphrey]
Bell:Uuuuunh! Twenty feet away! [Miller rises and moves further away, then sits] Turn around. You know the rules [Miller turns away from the group]
Noon:[fiddles with a cup] Man, I just can't wait to Breckenridge to see all those pretty women.
Swan:It's really all you care about, isn't it?
Noon:[thinks for a while] Well you know, I mean, I've been... hikin' around mining like my dad for ages. I mean, it's like, the only people we ever see are guys. I think the only time I've ever actually seen women is in Salt Lake City. You know, I mean, the women there are just so...
Humphrey:Mormon.
Noon:I mean, I'm nineteen now. [feeling the hormones rage] You know, I mean, I just wanna get in there and see what it feels like to, you know.
Packer:What?
Bell:Well young man, if there's half as much gold in those hills as people say, you'll be rich. And you won't have any problem finding ahhh... huh, that.
Packer:[smiles] What? [the smile leaves. He really doesn't know...] What?
Noon:I know that there's more to life than women. [taps his cheek] I just can't seem to figure out what else there is. I don't need it every night. Every morning would be just fine. A little sex, that's all I'm askin' for. [sings] That's all I'm askin' for.
Bell, Swan:That's all he's askin' for.
Noon:[dancing]
Something I can test. A gal would suit me best.
I got a thing to use; I know what to use it for.
A girl I can love and kiss and hold and fu-
'm.
That's all I'm askin' for.
Bell:[standing on a rock]
Now, I don't wanna be rich for the sake of women
I wanna be rich for the sake of o-ur Lord

[crosses himself]
Enough to build a church where everyone can come.
Enough for the Lord, that's all I'm askin' for.

That's all I'm askin' for.

Swan, Packer:That's all he's askin' for.
Humphrey: It's not a lot to ask. I'm sure we'll get it fast.
A friend of mine was minin' and he made a lot of cash

He made a gazillion dollars! How is that?!
That's all I'm askin' for.
Miller:He did not make a gazillion dollars!
Humphrey:You wanna ask him? I'll tell you where he lives!
Miners:That's all he's askin' for.
Humphrey:That's all I'm askin' for.
Swan: We're tired of being sick. We're sick of being poor.
We've had a little luck.
Now we want a little more!
Swan, Bell, Noon, Humphrey:[dancing in place]
Enough so we never do anything any-more
That's all we're askin' for!
Swan:[sees Mr. Miller minding his own business] Hey, what about you, Mr. Miller? What are you askin' for?
Miller:[looks up and back] No, no. I don't sing.
Bell:Oh, come on. If you can talk, you can sing.
Miller:I just wanna make enough so I can open up a shop of my own and, go on with my family trade.
Bell:Well there, that's great! What is it you do?
Miller:I'm a butcher.
Noon:You're a butcher?
Bell:Yeah.
Packer:[begins slowly]
I've never had much in the way of family
My horse is the only pal I've ever known
I'd like to build a ranch in the Rocky Mountain air

[quickening] A home for us, that's all I'm askin' for.
Miners:[five of them advance towards the camera all abreast]
That's all we're askin' for. That's all we're askin' for.
We're tired of being sick. We're sick of being poor.
We've had a little luck, now we want a little more.
Noon:A girl I can love!
Bell:A church!
Packer:A ranch!
Miller:[flatly] A store.
Miners:That's all we as-kin'... That's all we as-kin'...
That's all we askin' for!
[They collapse in laughter]
Noon:Shpadoinkle! [the laughter dies down]
Packer:You know, the thing I think I want more than anything, is just to go south to Saguache, and find those trappers and walk up to 'em and go "Hah! We made it!" [they hear a black cat nearby and they look. The voice of doom returns: "You're doomed! You're all doomed!"] Heh. Heh. Yeah. [the cat walks off]
[Morning in the canyons. A rooster is heard]
Packer:Liane!! [a bunch of animals are heard in reply: dogs, cows, chickens. Noon comes down from the rocks as the other miners stir] Liane!!
Humphrey:[sleepily] Morning, Mom. [the animals again respond]
Packer:I don't know where she could have gone. [Bell is the second to rise]
Noon:You had her tied up, didn't ya?
Packer:No, I... never do. Liane!!
Humphrey:[groggy] Hey it's my house.
Bell:What's goin' on here? [Miller and Swan join them]
Noon:Packer's horse left.
Miller:What?? Our food was on that horse!
Humphrey:Come on, you guys! I'm tired!
Packer:She'll be back. She probably just went on ahead to find some water or... something. [the others relax] Liane!! [the animals again respond] Here, girl!!
Bell:[rolls up his sleeping bag] Hey, come on, Packer. We should get goin'
Packer:Well no, I can't go now. I've gotta find her.
Miller:[exasperated, he turns and marches towards Packer] Whoa whoa whoa, look, asshole! You said you'd take us to Breckenridge! You're not gonna leave us here to find it oursevles!
Packer:Well I'm not gonna leave here without her!
Miller:[pulls out a small pistol and aims it at Packer] Well I say y'are
Bell:[intervenes, lowering Miller's pistol] We've gotta keep moving, Packer, specially now that we've lost all our food. [turns and looks at Miller] We have to get to the next town as soon as possible. [Miller thinks for a moment, then turn and leaves with a heavy sigh. Noon packs up his stuff, but looks at the ground around him]
Noon:Hey Packer. Looks like her trails lead off that way. Maybe she's in front of us.
Packer:[reluctantly goes off to pack his stuff] Okay...
[Packer narrates the story for Pry. The map reappears. A new red line stretches from Provo, Utah to the banks of the Green River]
Packer:Liane's tracks headed east. And so I kept following them. The men didn't care, as long as we were still aiming for Breckenridge. And then something happened that... changed everything.
[The men make their way east]
Packer:Here, girl!
Humphrey:How far to Colorado Territory?
Packer:I dunno. We must be pretty close. Liane!! [tries to whistle, but he blows a raspberry] Here, girl! ...[softly] Man, she's lost.
Miller:She's not lost! She just took off!
Packer:No, she didn't just take off. We're friends, and friends just don't take off!
Humphrey:[watching his step] Watch out for that bear trap
Bell:What? [SNAP!] HAAAAAAAAAAH!! [Packer turns and rushes back to him] UUUUUUUH! Shpadoinkle! [Miller and Noon are trying to pry the trap open]
Humphrey:[tries to help] Hey, you guys are doin' it wrong!
Bell:[in pain] ...Get it off...ohhh...
Humphrey:You do it like this. [proceeds to open the trap]
Bell:...Get it off, please... [Humphrey loses his grip, and the trap snaps back onto Bell's right leg] HAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Humphrey:[opens the trap again] Whooops! Okay. [loses his grip again, and the trap snaps back onto Bell's leg]
Bell:HAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Packer:[pushes Humphrey off and tries his luck] Here, here. Let, let me try. [slowly opens the trap. Humphrey turns his back on Bell, disappointed at himself]
Bell:Ohohh, my leg! Oh, get it off! [removes his foot from the open trap] Oh, God!
Packer:Whoa, I did it. [rises and checks up] You okay?
Bell:Who the heck put a trap here?!
Miller:It's not that bad, is it?
Bell:I don't know. Let me [kicks Humphrey's ass] SEE!
Humphrey:Owww.
Bell:Yeah, it's fine.
Humphrey:Hey look you guys! The Green River!
[The Green River. The camera slowly pans down the river, showing a fast, wide river. On the river bank, Bell soaks his wounds as Swan looks on.]
Bell:Boy, I'm not havin' much luck on this trip, am I?
Swan:Weeell, look on the bright side: At least you didn't get your head caught in that thing. [the other miners arrive at the river bank with the remaining supplies]
Noon:How the hell are we supposed to cross this?
Packer:[somewhat confused] W-wait, there's supposed to be a bridge. We must be... [looks to his left] too far north. Or... [looks to his right] too far south.
Miller:Some guide!
Humphrey:Oookay. We, we could take our wheelbarrow, build it into a little boat, and then we ride it across, and then build it back into a wheelbarrow again!
Noon:Talk about wasting time. Don't be such a horse's ass. [Packer hangs his head, despondent] Sorry, Packer. How deep do you think it is? [Packer picks up a rock and tosses it in. Water splashes up and falls away. Everyone waits for a few seconds for any further activity, but none is coming]
Miller:Well what the hell was that supposed to prove?!
Packer:Wull, s-s.. what... I don't know.
Bell:[rising from the river bank] Well, let's just see what we can carry. [the miners take off their coats and prepare to load up]
Noon:[to Swan] Do you really think we can make it?
Swan:Sure. As long as we all go at once. That way, if one of us trips and starts shooting downstream, we'lll all be there to catch him.
Noon:Downstream?
Miller:Nobody's goin' downstream. [a long shot from across the river for a few seconds]
Humphrey:This is gonna suck.
Swan:Okay. On three. One. Two! [heads for the river and eagerly enters] Three! [the other miners follow him in. The wheelbarrow is left behind. The miners are immediately up to their knees in water, but as they approach the middle of the river, the water approaches their waists] Okay everybody, go in a straight line and we'll be fine. [the water overtakes them and they go down some rapids] What the hell is that?! [the map reappears, and the red line goes down some seventy-five miles, stopping short of the confluence with the Colorado. The miners land on the opposite bank and drag themselves out]
Miller:It's cold.
Noon:I can't feel my balls.
Packer:Wait, I... I think we lost Humphrey.
Miller:Good!
Bell:Hey Packer, are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge?
Packer:No, just the Colorado.
Bell:Oh.
Noon:You guys, I can't feel muh balls!
Swan:Well, we'd better set up camp quick and get out of these clothes, or else we're gonna get hypothermia or somethin' awful.
Bell:He's right. We've gotta get some body heat going. [they notice Humphrey and watch him float down the river]
Humphrey:[oblivious] Okay you guys, follow me. I think I see a way out. All right, just stick with me now, I've been down this river before. [a shot of the east bank of the river] All right, it gets a little rough up here, but stick with me...
[Nighttime, camp. The men are under sheets around a doused campfire, naked, two to a bed. To the left are Swan and Packer. To the right are Bell and Humphrey. At the far end of the campfire are Noon and Miller.]
Noon:Yeah. I'm startin' to feel there again. [laughs with relief] Whew. That scared the shit out of me.
Humphrey:Gosh. I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip.
Noon:Just do what I'm doin'. Just pretend like you're layin' next to a nice, soft woman.
Miller:What?!
Noon:Just imagining ol' Mr. Miller here is a nice, tall blonde-
Miller:Aw, Goddamnit! [bolts out of his bed and runs off naked] I want a different partner!
Bell:You know, I think we should all take a minute and thank the Lord for gettin' us across that river.
Humphrey:Carrots and peas and carrots and peas and water chestnuts. Amen.
Bell:[at the same time] Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Amen
Humphrey:Huh... I can't go on... I'm so hungry... Oh wait! I have some fudge! [digs around for it. Noon reclines a bit, scoops up some water in his cup, and looks over at Packer, who looks rather sad]
Noon:Say Packer... You really miss Liane, dontcha?
Packer:[sits up] Boy, I'll say. I just... can't believe she'd just take off like that.
Swan:[reclines] Don't worry, Mr. Packer. There's plenty of horses in the world. You'll find another one.
Packer:Wouldn't want another one. [Humphrey finds his fudge and munches on a piece]
She will never know what she meant to me.
[Swan drops back to bed and listens]
Whenever I was with her, I was always as gentle as I could be
Now, I don't know why, but she's gone away...
And I'll just have to stand on my own two legs...

Your eyes, your smile... made my little life worthwhile.
There was nothing I couldn't do...
When I was on top of you...

[walks alongside Liane, leading her and sharing a joke with her which involves blowing some air out of his cheeks]
I'd pull her hair, she'd know to stop
And when she looked behind her, I'd always be there

[a shot of his boots. Nuggets of horse shit fall on them. Packer looks at Liane lovingly disappointed]
And now I don't know why, but she, she's gone
And all I can do is try to carry on...

Your eyes, your smile...

[brings out a bouquet of flowers for Liane, but she just munches on them. He just strokes her and smiles]
made my little life worthwhile.
The sky was a lot more blue...
When I was on top of you...

[a shot of little Alferd riding the little mare Liane, then leading her forward]
When I was on top of you...
Humphrey:Fudge, Packer? [Packer looks at Humphrey in a funny way]
[The Sheriff's office, cell. Packer continues with his story]
Packer:She was the only thing I ever had. The only thing that made me feel... important, the only thing that made me feel ...wanted. That night, I swore I'd get those men to Breckenridge as fast as I possibly could.
Pry:So... that was the last time you ever saw her.
Packer:No. I saw her again all right.
Pry:[firmly] Trappers took her.
Packer:I don't know if anybody took her. But then a few weeks later, we crossed over into Colorado Territory.
[Colorado Territory. The men make their way east, leaving water trails behind them as they walk.]
Humphrey:[his voice rising to mocking falsetto] "Are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge?" "Oh no, just the Colorado." "The biggest fucking river I've ever seen in my entire life, thank you very much," he said, dripping with water!!
Packer:It didn't used to be that big.
Bell:Well, I suppose we should all get into our bags again-
Miller:No! No, no, eh, let's just keep walking. At least until the sun goes down. It ain't that cold. [the miners approach a cliff and gaze upon the Grand Canyon before them] Oh, this is good, Packer. Reeeal good. You're just a regular Christopher Columbus, aren'tcha?
Packer:[takes in the view] Well we made it. This is Colorado Territory. [scenic shots of the Grand Canyon]
Noon:It looks like we're gonna make it after all.
Packer:Come on! [they walk away from the cliff] We can just walk around it. It can't be that big. [the miners make their way down into the canyon]
Swan:Hey look, you guys. Snow. [runs over to a small pile of snow protected from the sun by a small bluff. Packer's face flashes concern]
Bell:What is it, Packer?
Packer:[points with his hat, which drops some more water] Up over that ridge. [the other miners look over and see two Indians on horseback looking at them. The Indians look quite Japanese]
Miller:[Utes] Utes.
Packer:No, I think they're Indians
Noon:Why are they wearin' saddles?
Bell:Utes are Indians.
Swan:Hey, you guys wanna build a snowman or somethin'?
Bell:Shut up, Swan! [normally] Come on, let's get down. [the other miners join him on the ground and cover their heads]
Packer:Do you think they see us?
Bell:I don't know... [after a long period of silence, Bell ventures to remove his hat and look up]
Indian #1:Kimi wa nani mono da? ["Who are you people?" Bell rises, Packer rises more slowly, warily. The other miners then rise]
Bell:Morning!
Packer:Morning. [the Indians don't respond, but stare back stonefaced]
Bell:Ohhh shit.
Indian #2:Kitanai minari o shiage te! ["Your clothes are completely dirty."]
Bell:What is that? Ute?
Packer:I don't know.
Indian #2:Momotaro shitteiru na? ["Do you know Momotaro?" They laugh. The miners laugh to play along]
Noon:What the hell kind of language is that?
Packer:I don't know. Just keep laughing. [the miners laugh again]
Humphrey:[steps forward] Wait. You guys, let me talk to 'em. I know how to speak Indian.
Bell:[doubting] We're gonna die.
Humphrey:Wipwah wipwah suro no happo.
Indian #2:Nani itte no. ["What on earth?"]
Humphrey:Hm. [turns to the other miners and performs some "Indian" signs] He says, "Welcome to the land of blue light."
Indian #2:Omae wa sakana to ishoo ni o-nemu nishi chi aru, zo! ["You'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?!"]
Humphrey:I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom.
Millier:Humphrey, you are so full of shit!
Packer:Ask them if they've seen a brown horse with a freckled nose.
Bell:He doesn't know what they're saying! [a snowball strikes him, and he looks at Swan]
Swan:Hahahahahahaha! I gotcha! [the Indians laugh. Miller puts his right hand over his holster on the left side, cradles it, then draws his pistol and charges at the Indians]
Indian #1:Iie! [kicks the gun out of Miller's hand: "No!"] Nan da! ["Is that all?" Humphrey finds himself facing a long sword]
Indian #2:Sugu kotchi koi!! Hayaku! Hayaku! ["Come here immediately!! Quickly! Quickly!" The first Indian dismounts]
Indian #1:Soo. [picks up Miller's pistol and aims it at Humphrey] Ta ki yaroo! Koi gagatai kirai zo! ["So, another spirit guy! You disgusting carp!"]
Humphrey:Uh you guys? I I think they want us to follow 'em.
Indian #1:Ke. Kono ikaga. Sugoi bakana eiga tana. ["Ha! How about that?! Another awful, stupid movie!"]
Packer:What should we do?
Noon:Maybe they just want Humphrey.
Indian #1:KOTCHI KOI!! ["COME HERE!!"]
Bell:I guess we don't have much choice. [the miners grab their belongings and follow the Indians. Swan leaves his snow pile, picks up his supplies, and joins the others]
[Delta, Colorado. The miners walk through a lush green meadow. They pass some shirtless Indians who look like the first two braves the miners encountered, but the braves who led them here have parted]
Noon:We're in a lot of trouble here, aren't we?
Bell:Now, just stay calm. Let me do the talking. [glances back at Humphrey] Humnphrey... don't say anything. [to their right are Indians doing morning exercises]
Miller:This is the weirdest Indian tribe I've ever seen. [an Indian brave and squaw run up and beckon them forward]
Chief:A ya ya! Yoku kita na! Kimi ga kono eiga no shujinkoo nan daro ["Hi hi hi! Welcome! I reckon you're the heros of this movie?"]
Humphrey:He says-
Chief:[speaking slowly throughout the scene] Who are you, assholes?
Humphrey:Oh, he speaks English.
Indian #1:[approaches the chief] Gaijin da to omou iyoo, Sachoo-san. ["I thnk these strangers are weird, Chief"]
Chief:[nods acknowledgment] Mmmm.
Bell:We are from Utah!
Chief, Indian #1:[look at each other] Iuta? [they look back at the miners confused. Bell realizes this and leafs around for something.]
Bell:[produces the Book of Mormon and taps it for the Indians] U-tah!
Chief:Aaaaaaash! Iuta. Haa. [nods excitedly]
Bell:Could you tell me what tribe this is?
Chief:[strokes his chin] Hmmmmm... We are... Indians! [smiles. The brave smiles with him]
Bell:...Yes, I see that, but... What Indians?
Chief:You don't think we are... [moves his fingers over his face as if he were face-painting] Indians? [grins]
Bell:No, no, no, I just um...
Chief:We have... Teepees. [shows off his teepee proudly]
Bell:Right. I see, but...
Chief:[shows Bell the camp] Look at aaaaall these teepees ...we have. Because... we are... [looks at the brave, who smiles, then faces the miners] Indians!
Packer:Yeah, they have teepees. [a squaw walks out of the tent and walks up to the chief]
Squaw:Doko iku no? ["Where are they going?"]
Chief:Where is your... destineshon?
Packer:Brec-kenridge
Bell:It's a small town east of here.
Chief:I knoowww. There are... [holds his hands over an invisible pole] lots of gold, desu na? ["right?"]
Swan:Yeah, that's the place.
Chief:I'm afraid there is terrible storm in the mountains. [the squaw begins to blush and flirt. Noon flirts back, beckoning her] So, if you like, you may wait here with us and other... assholes... for storm to caaalm dooown. [places his hands on an invisible roiling sea, trying to calm it down]
Packer:What other assholes?
Chief:[holds up ten fingers] Ten days ago, a group of ass-holes like yourselves came through here. I told them they should wait for the storm to end.
Bell:Well where are they?
Chief:Ishoo ni itte kure. ["They'll need clothes for the night."]
Indian #1:Hai. ["Okay."]
Chief:Junichi will take you to them. But don't take too long, because dinner in one hour.
Bell:Thank you... Chief. [motions the other miners to follow the brave, and they move. Noon stops by the squaw]
Noon:[turns around] Yeah, yeah. [he lingers there for a long time] Yeah, yup yup yup yup yup yup. Yeah. [finally looks at the squaw] I like your feather. [softly] Yeah, yup yup yup yup yup. [another pause, then he turns and walks away. The squaw looks away for a moment, then looks to watch him leave]
Miller:Hey, screw this man, if they're not keepin' us here, let's just ask for some food and be on our way.
Humphrey:Yeah, we wanna get to Breckenridge before all the gold's worked out, remember?
Bell:I don't know. I really think we oughtta wait that storm out.
Noon:Yeah. Me too.
Swan:Indians know what they're talking about when it comes to weather.
Cabazon:Well, lookie who's here! [he and the other two trappers are the other assholes the Chief mentioned earlier.]
Packer:Aw, crap.
Cabazon:So, you boys were lucky enough to run into the Nihonjin too, eh? Good thing! You diggers would have died for sure in that storm! [notices something amiss] Say, what happened to your horse, Packer?
Humphrey:She ran away. [Packer smacks him lightly] What?
Cabazon:She... [laughs, then jabs his friends to make them laugh too] Boy, that's a stitch!
Nutter:Hoho, I'll say!
Packer:[testily] What's so funny?
Cabazon:Come on, Packer! It was only a matter of time. A trapper horse can't spend her whole life with no boring, dumb, cheezmo miner! [the trappers turn their back on the miners]
Packer:Well it's... better than just leaving traps where people can step in 'em and stuff!
Noon:Yeah and... killin' all those little furry animals all the time.
Loutzenheizer:[turns and looks back] Aww, don't hurt the little animals.
Humphrey:[retort] Niiice hat!!
Packer:Well I'd rather be a miner than a trapper any day!
Cabazon:[returns] You guys don't even know what it MEANS to be a miner!
Nutter:Yeah! Tell 'em, French!
Cabazon:[starts off slowly, in Fm]
I can catch a helpless animal,
Skin it with my bare hands.
I wake up muddy, and I go to bed bloody
'Cause I'm a trappin man!

[swings into fast beat, bounding to a tree]
I can brave the nastiest weather.
Trappers:Weather!
Cabazon:Even if it's eighty below
Trappers:Below!
Cabazon: My pa was an elephant, but that's irrelevant
My mom was an eskimo.
[the miners watch as Cabazon jumps into his friends' arms]
I eat rabbits' heads for breakfast.
Trappers:Breakfast!
Cabazon:With beaver butt on the side
Trappers:The side!
Cabazon: My mind's magnificent, my body no different.
I'm full of trapper pride!

[new scene, in Abm: pops up]
Yoho!
Nutter:[pops into view] Yoho!
Loutzenheizer:[steps out from behind a teepee in the background] Yoho!
Cabazon:Rip their fur, cut their skin with my knife. Yoho!
Nutter:Yoho!
Loutzenheizer:Yoho!
Cabazon:One thing's for sure, there's nothin' like the trappin' life!

[back to Fm, begins to dance]
I'm badder than the baddest sailor.
Trappers:Sailor!
Cabazon:I make love to women ten feet tall.
Trappers:Good Lord!
Cabazon: I got a chest of wonder and balls of thunder
I can break right through a wall!
[walks through a low wall of unmortared bricks, and the bricks fall away]
I love the sound of metal-
Trappers:Metal!
Cabazon:-snapping on an animal's head!
Trappers:Ka chink!
Cabazon: Sometimes they scamper, sometimes they whimper,
But they always end up dead!
Nutter:[softly, fondling some purple leaves]
I've always wanted to be somebody
Who didn't get pushed around
Now that I'm a trapper
I'm the meanest guy around.
Cabazon:[interjects] Second meanest! [walks up to a tanning pole full of pelts]
The blood of a fresh-killed rodent
Is as sweet as brandy wine

[strains some blood from a moist pelt]
And the brain of an antelope tastes like cantaloupe
[picks up an orange brain and tosses is to Loutzenheizer, who bites into it eagerly]
What a yummy life!

Yoho!

Nutter:Yoho!
Loutzenheizer:Yoho!
Cabazon:Rip their fur, cut their eyes out with my knife. Yoho!
Nutter:Yoho!
Loutzenheizer:Yoho!
Noon:[thoroughly annoyed] Oh, stop!
Humphrey:That's sick
Cabazon:I agree. [shoves Nutter] Nutter, you were singing in the wrong key!
Nutter:No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheizer! I was singing in E flat minor
Cabazon:The song's in F sharp major!
Bell:I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative minor of F sharp.
Cabazon:No it isn't! The relative minor is three half tones DOWN from the major, not UP!
Noon:No, it's three down, like A is the relative minor of C major. [Packer walks off in the background]
Loutzenheizer:But isn't A sharp in C major?
Bell:Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?
Cabazon:A sharp is tonic to C major! It's the 6!
Humphrey:No it isn't!
Swan:Well, it'd be like a raised thirteenth if anything.
Cabazon:[shakes his head] Oh well, you guys are just a bunch of loser diggers anyhow. [behind him, Packer looks around the small camp]
Humphrey:Oh, see? You know we're right.
Packer:I knew it! [the trappers turn to see Packer holding a large sack] This is Liane's food bag! [drops the bag] You dirty so-and-so, where is she?!
Cabazon:[feigning ignorance] I don't know what you're talkin' about. We found it on the way up here.
Packer:You're a liar!
Cabazon:Are you calling me a liar?
Packer:Yes.
Nutter:You'd be smart to get out of here, buddy!
Packer:Look, Frenchy, you know where she is, and I'd really like to- [Punch! Cabazon sends him reeling into the other rminers. Packer knocks Bell down] Ow, that smarts! Oh!
Cabazon:Nobody, but NOBODY, calls Frenchy Cabazon a liar!
Swan:Hey hey hey now, do you need to go to time-out? [Cabazon knocks him out]
Cabazon:Anyone else? Huh, huh? [barks at the miners, who jump back a bit] Now GET OUT of my personal space! [the miners walk off, unsure where to go]
[The Sheriff's office, cell. Packer continues with his story]
Packer:And so we stayed with the Indians, and I watched the trappers' every move. [the door opens and the sheriff walks in]
Sheriff:[in a Scottish accent] Oh. Got him goin' on about the horse again, did ya? Come on. It's time to go back to the courthouse.
[The Courthouse, moments later. Packer is already inside, waiting for the proceedings. An old woman tosses a tomato at him, but he doesn't move af first. Then he looks back]
Packer:Ow. [tries to figure out who hit him. The gavel sounds]
Judge:The defendant will rise. [Packer rises] Alferd Packer, a jory of twelve honest citizens have sat in judgement on your case, and have found you... guilty. [the courtroom buzzes with quiet chatter about the verdict] Alferd Packer, the judgment of this court is that you be removed from hence to the jail of Hinsdale County, and then be taken to a place of execution prepared for this purpose, within the limits of the town of Lake City, and then and there be hung by the neck until you are dead, dead, dead. [Packer is aghast at this. The judge smiles] And may God have mercy on your soul. [lowers the gavel once more, closing the proceedings. The audience cheers, Packer droops into his chair. Two bailiffs come and escort him out. Audience members heckle him and the judge dances in his chair happily. Polly Pry just takes it all in, looks around, writes some notes]
[An outhouse, or water closet, outside. Polly Pry waits for someone to exit the outhouse. The prosecutor runs up to her.]
Mills:Hey, we won!
Pry:[sees him] Yes. You certainly did. [The sheriff and a bailiff haul Packer back to jail. Packer notices Mills and Pry, and stalls]
Mills:[takes Pry's left hand and caresses it] So I suppose it won't be hard for a winning prosecuting attorney to get a date for dinner? [the bailiff pulls Packer on]
Pry:No. [pulls her hand away] I don't suppose it will. [leaves the outhouse. Under her breath she says] Asshole.
[The Courthouse, twilight. The sunset reflects off a window and into the camera. Inside, Pry sits on a stairwell with her notes and composing her article]
Pry:[reviewing, voice over] "It was then that Packer's horse, his only friend, ran away. Did his loss lead to his murdering and eating his" [whispers] unsuspectiong companions "unsuspecting companions. What could have caused his madness?" [rests her head on her left hand] "I can't imagine him being so violent. He seems so... harmless." Why should I care? [begins to sing]
What is this magic I feel?
Seems no matter where I am, it finds me.
Puts the memories of hope inside me,
Makes me warm once more.
[looks down at a bad mug shot of Parker and runs her finger over it]
He's just a quiet man,
But his eyes can see right through me.
Is it only that I feel pity?
Could it be something more?
[rises and holds her papers to her chest]
Safe as an island far off to sea.
I'd almost forgotten this side of me.

[someone comes down the stairs from the second floor]
What is this magic I feel?
Thought this mushy stuff was below me
[the man stops behind her on the other side of the stairs and looks around, confused. He tries to figure out who she's singing to]
Could it be he is the one to show me
What compassion is for?
[the man leans in for a better grasp. She notices him, he backs off and walks down the stairs]
Safe as an island far off to sea.
I'd almost forgotten this side of me.
Perhaps I'm not the cold bitch I pretended to be.
I'd almost forgotten this side of me.
[Shuffles her papers and sighs. She rests her eyes on her materials and looks closely at a map of the Ute Indian Reservation, then at the massacre site at the south end of the reservation]
[The Sheriff's office, morning. The sheriff shows Polly Pry in. Packer sits on the cell floor working on his dollhouse once again. He glances up at her and goes back to his work, she approaches him]
Pry:Hi, Mr. Packer. How are you doing?
Packer:[touchy] How am I doing? Have you ever been sitting around waiting to die?
Pry:[barks back] Yes, I have, as a matter of fact!
Packer:When?!
Pry:Well all right, Uh never. Really.
Packer:Didn't think so.
Pry:Now, you left the Indian camp January. How long before you realized-?
Packer:Oh, no no no no. What's the point? I, I told you what I told you because I thought you cared! I didn't realize you were the prosecuting attorney's girl.
Pry:[gasps] I am NOT his girl! I just met the man last week!
Packer:Great guy...
Pry:Are you jealous?
Packer:Why the hell would I be jealous? I'm gonna die tomorrow!
Pry:Hm. He says I shouldn't believe a word you say. He said you went mad at that bar in Saguache.
Packer:Oh. That's the biggest joke ever! You wanna know what happened? Okay, we were at the Indian camp. [the green trees of the previous trail scenes give way to snowcapped hills] It was the morning after another... big snow, and it was also the first time I noticed Bell getting edgy.
[The Ute Indian camp, day. Junichi leads the miners in morning exercises - martial arts]
Chief:Your skill is improving, Paka-san.
Packer:Uh, thanks Chief. Hey, uh, when do you think I'll be able to use this stuff against like, two big guys and one short but tough one?
Chief:You mean ...those ...crazy trappers?
Packer:...Yeah.
Chief:Ohhhh. Remember, this practice we do [a quick series of punches] is not for becoming bully, Okay? Wakarimashita ka. ["Understand?"]
Packer:Okay.
Chief:Besides, we have nothing to worry about. Those crazy trappers left his morning.
Packer:Oh really? Good. [suddenly panicked] They WHAT???
Chief:Yeah. They decided to go ahead. Although I... told them not to. [shakes his head in disapproval] Those crazy trappers.
Packer:You're kidding! [The Chief shakes his head and mouths "Nooo."] You're not kidding! [bolts]
Noon:[nearby] Yeah, I may look ...tough and mean-spirited, but... I'm really a sensitive... artist.
Squaw:[ahh, so he found his girl again] That's very interesting.
Noon:I paint. And I sculpt, with my hands.
Squaw:That's very interesting too.
Noon:[realizing this may be the only English she knows] You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
Squaw:That's very interesting. [Noon has nothing more to say. Bell walks up with some firewood. Packer rusn across the meadow to these two miners]
Packer:You guys! [stumbles] Shpadoinkle. [Noon and Bell look up] We have to go! I mean, we should be going.
Noon:What??
Packer:The trappers left this morning.
Noon:So?
Packer:So? ...So... Maybe they saw a break in the weather. [Bell looks around and doesn't notice any breaks]
Noon:Well I'm not goin' anywhere!
Packer:Come, come on you guys. Have you forgotten your dreams? We wanted to get to Breckenridge before all the gold was gone, remember?
Noon:No way! [turns to Bell] No way!
Bell:Well now, let's think about this. If the trappers saw a break in the storm, that could mean something. This could be the last chance we get to get out of here for months.
Noon:It's the middle of the winter. You heard the chief. He said to stay here. Remember? He said clearly-
Bell:Nownow, calm down, calm down, okay? I mean, Breckenridge can't be that far, right?
Packer:Yeah.
Bell:Besides, if you quit acting like a SEX-STARVED LITTLE MR. PERVERT, we'd be able to get out of here.
Squaw:[laughs] Okay.
Ball:[plants his hand on Noon's left arm] Let's get goin'. [Noon stays where he is for a moment, then rises and leaves reluctantly. They all go back to the chief]
Chief:Whaaat? You're leaving? You're crazy too.
Bell:Well, that gold can't wait for us any longer.
Chief:I give you... enough food for the trip. Okay?
Bell:Thanks, Chief. [the miners turn and leave] Good-bye
Humphrey:See ya, Chief!
Swan:Shpadoinkle!
Chief:Oh! Watch out the ...Cyclops!
[The map is shown again, and the red line moves from the Indian reservation east to somewhere along the Colorado River, upstream. Packer narrates to Pry]
Packer:I may be slow sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I knew the trappers had kidnapped Liane, [a shot of the Colorado. The miners walk along the rocky river bank] and that she was waiting for me to save her. I thought I could catch up to them on their way to Saguache, but ...then I got us kinda lost.
[The map is shown again, and the red line moves from the Indian reservation east to somewhere along the Colorado River, upstream.]
Bell:This doesn't look right, Packer!
Packer:The chief said to follow the river east; we're following the river east.
Bell:Yeah, but he didn't say anything about this! [the camera pulls out to a view of the forbidding mountainous landscape]
Noon:I can't go on anymore! I'm staving!
Miller:Don't be such a wimp. [Bell stops and left up his right pant leg. The wounds around his ankle have acted up. The other miners look back at Bell]
Humphrey:Ewww!
Bell:This trip can't get any worse for me. [the miners turn and move forward, except for Swan, who is left breathless by the view]
Swan:This canyon is sooo beautiful! [turns around and follows the others]
[The map reappears and the red line follows the river bank... to a tributary and on to a small lake, and into the mountains to the west. Packer narrates to Pry]
Packer:And so we kept heading for Breckenridge, but we still couldn't find any food, and it wasn't long before we were deep in the Rocky Mountains
[The Rocky Mountains, covered in two feet of snow]
Bell:We've gotta be really close now!
Noon:I can't go on... [Humphrey stumbles and falls] I need food! I, I can't! I... I...
Humphrey:Me neither! I'm starving! [a lamb walks out from behind a tree into a clearing and bleats]
Swan:Look.
Humphrey:A sheep!
Swan:Yes! [At this, Noon goes to undo his pants. Packer notices and stops him]
Packer:Nononono, to eat!
Noon:I know! I gotta take a piss! [goes on his way]
Packer:Oh.
Miller:Come on! [gets into position] Here little lamb chop! Come'ere, boy! [squats in order to get the lamb. Miller has his arm outstretched and his gun ready to fire. The other miners stand behind them]
Bell:Well what are you waiting for? Shoot it.
Miller:Well... [suddenly loses heart and offers the gun to Bell] You shoot it.
Bell:[pushes Miller's arm away] You're supposed to be the butcher!
Miller:Well... well I know, but... [offers the gun back to Bell]
Bell:[very quietly] Give me this fucking gun... [takes it and aims it at the land. The lamb turns around]
Packer:I don't think I can watch this.
Bell:So look the other way. [Packer does just that and walks into a tall mountain man. It's the Cyclops, with white and yellow beard and a missing left eye whose swollen socket squirts out pus.]
Packer:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Humphrey:[rises from the ground] What?! He hasn't even done it yet! [the other miners turn and look. The lamb bleat as well]
Miners:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Cyclops:Are you lookin' at my eye?! [pus gushes out of the socket]
Miners:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Cyclops:Are you lookin' at my eye?! [pus gushes out of the socket]
Miners:[blocking the pus to keep it out of their faces] No, no, no, no.
Cyclops:A Union Army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the Union Army? [A Southerner, apparently]
Miller:[catching on] Shucks no.
Bell:Shuckie-dang darn.
Cyclops:So you're the boys that been killin' all mah sheepies with those traps. [more pus gushes out]
Noon:[drawn out drawl] No, we just now gots here.
Cyclops:[warming to the miners] Where are you from?
Humphrey:Nashville.
Cyclops:Well damn, it's good to see some Southern boys. It's been a long tahm. Well, I wish I was in the land of cotton Old times there are not forgotten Look away! Look away! Look away!... [waits for the miners to finish the line, but none of them have a clue]
Humphrey:[volunteers] ...You stupid Yank. [Noon looks back in disbelief]
Cyclops:You ain't Southern boys! [advances on them]
Miners:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [the lamb bleats and moves around. The miners rush out of the area]
Miller:You asshole Humphrey!
[Another part of the Rocky Mountains]
Packer:[narrating] As the days went by, the snow just got deeper and deeper. And then I realized that... maybe the men were losing some hope.
Humphrey:Excuse me. Ah, I've been doing some thinking, um, just kinda lookin' at our situation here. And I've come to the conclusion that we're completely FUCKED! Has anybody else made this discovery?
Packer:But I'm sure this is the right way.
Noon:I don't wanna die.
Swan:Yes.
Noon:Oh God.
Swan:The snow is deep in places...
Noon:I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die here.
Swan:[walks before the other miners]
Sometimes... the world is black, [hangs his coat on a low tree branch] and tears run from your eyes
And maybe we'll all get... really sick.
[hugs a small tree] And maybe we'll all die.

Soooooooooooooooooooo...

[rolls some snow into a large snowball]
Let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend.
We can name him Tom, we can name him George.

[holds the second snowball over the first one]
We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall.
Snowman!

[Noon looks at Swan like Swan has lost his mind. Swan puts the third snowball up and puts a face on it]
He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view!
If you build me a snowman, then I'll build one for you!

So, let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend.

[runs around giddily, then holds up a small snowball]
We can name him Bob, or we can name him Beowulf.
We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall.

Snowman!
[drops into the hole he pulled the snow out of]

Hey! [begins a tapdance. Noon looks at him in disbelief, and Swan taps faster]

[adds more buttons and clothes to the snow man: buttons on the trunk, arms, then the scarf, pipe and hat]
He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view!
If you build me a snowman, --
Miller:This fucker's gone completely nuts!
Swan:-- Then I'll build one for you!
[adds the finishing touches]
Snowmaaan!
Snowmaaan!
Snowmaaan!
[puts his own hat on it. Miller pushes through the group and approaches the snowman. He smashes it to bits with several swings from his ax. Swan looks on benevolently, smiling. Miller walks back to the other miners, and they all leave]
[Night time. The moon peeks through the clouds. On the ground the miners sit around the campfire having walked through another storm and trying to keep warm. They're busy removing their footwear]
Packer:[narrating] The days were bad, but the nights were worse. All we did was try to keep from freezing. We were all frostbitten and on our last legs when the butcher suggested that we... eat our shoes.
Humphrey:Well I'm not eatin' my fuckin' shoes!
Packer:[narrating] He said the salt and the leather would only hold us over for the night. We didn't care. It was one more night to stay alive. [a shot of some boots roasting on an open fire... Some time later, Miller sniffs his next meal, then takes a bite.]
Miller:We're just prolonging the inevitable. We're dying. As in dead? As in no more nothing.
Bell:[looking over his own boot meal] The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Miller:[looks at Bell] You realize how stupid that sounds right now, don't you?
Bell:[glances at Miller] Yes I do.
Swan:You know, pretty soon this whole trip will be behnd us and, we can look back on it with fond memories. [Miller shakes his head slowly]
Bell:What fond memories?!
Swan:You have to stay optimistic. This is nothing that a little positive thinking can't help us get through.
Miller:How the hell can you say that?! You're frostbitten worse than the rest of us!
Swan:Well you never realize what a good time you're having until after it's over.
Bell:Swan, why don't you take a Goddamn minute to look around-?
Packer:Come on, you guys. You're just wasting valuable energy.
Miller, Bell:[pointing to Bell] Well then tell him to shut up!
Packer:Swan, shut up.
Swan:[laughs and ribs Packer gently] Heh, you! [Noon pulls out a shoelace from his mouth, having sucked the salt out of it. Humphrey pulls on his hat and it comes off like a cork. As the hat comes off, a loud pop echoes through the valley. A massive amount of curly hair graces Humphrey's head and Noon looks at it in awe.]
Humphrey:What?!
[Morning. The miners stagger through a valley gasping and moaning]
Bell:Okay Packer! What now?! I can't keep goin' on like this forever!
Noon:Me neither. We haven't eaten in a week.
Bell:What are we gonna do, Packer?!
Swan:[brightly] I know what we should do.
Noon:What??
Swan:Let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend.
Miller:Shut the fuck up, Swan!
Swan:We can name him Shannon! Shannon Wilson Bell
Miller:[insistent] Swan, shut the fuck up!
Swan:We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall- [Bell simply takes his gun and shoots Swan in the head. the other miners look, then approach the body. Bell stays behind holding the gun]
Noon:[looks up and straight at Bell] He's dead!
Humphrey:Oh, well no kidding, he's dead! Half his brains are lyin' in the snow. [Bell looks at the gun, throws it down, and walks into the woods]
[Dusk. The miners sit at a new campfire looking at Swan's corpse. Bell is not with the group]
Packer:He, he looks so happy. [a shot of Swan's smiling face, with the large bullet hoe over his left eye]
Noon:It's like he's gonna sing a song... [they half-expect him to come back to life, but nothing happens. They turn and face the fire] Hey Packer, if we make it out of this, we're gonna turn Bell in, aren't we? [Bell looks on from the shadows]
Packer:I don't know. We'll just figure all that out when we get there.
Noon:IF we get there! [Bell looks away] Hell, we should've gone to California or somethin'
Miller:Well, haven't you ever heard of the Donner party?
Humphrey:Yeah, the Donner party. They got stuck in the California mountains.
Packer:They had to eat each other to stay alive. [the miners think about that for a moment, then turn their heads slowly towards Swan's corpse. They gaze at it for a while, the Snowman song wafting through their heads. They turn back towards the fire]
Humphrey:Well heck yeah! Why not?!
Bell:[pipes in] Wait a minute, Humphrey, you wouldn't even eat your shoes!
Humphrey:Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes.
Miller:But what do we eat?
Humphrey:Well you're the butcher.
Miller:Well, yeah, but... I dunno, uh. I-
Humphrey:[thrusts the butcher knife at Miller] So, butch! [Miller rises and walks over to Swan's corpse. He crouches down and starts cutting it apart.] Wait! You're cuttin' into his butt!
Miller:Well what kind of piece do you want?
Humphrey:Well not butt! [Miller sighs and goes back to dismembering the corpse. The othe rminers simply watch.]
[Later. Some of Swan's flesh has been cooked. Noon takes his first bite. The other miners follow suit. Humphrey bites into Swan's left arm. Packer notices and throws up]
Humphrey:Gross, Packer! [Packer loses his appetite. Noon looks at Bell, then turns back]
Noon:What about him? [Bell whips his head around]
Bell:I don't want any!
Miller:[softly] Fine. You're in time-out anyway. [Packer lies down and settles in to sleep. Humphrey takes a bite out of Swan's right foot]
Humphrey:[notices something on his left leg] Aw, look, you got it on my pants! [Packer simply drifts off to sleep/]
[Dream sequence. Packer walks into view on stage wearing his coat, scarf and hat, black shirt and pink tights. He sees Liane munching on purple flowers. Excited, he takes off his coat, drops it on the floor, and dances around. He swoops down and pulls up a bouquet of flowers. He throws it up in the air and dances amid the falling blossoms. He performs the splits, then struggles to get up. He finally stands and dances towards the camera. Cabazon steps in front of him and faces him directly. Packer moves back a bit. Cabazon does as well, and begins to dance. Packer marvels at Cabazon's agility. Cabazon takes out his knife, strokes it, and jabs Packer with it. Packer falls to the ground, hurt. Cabazon moves in for the kill-]
Packer:IKE!
[Morning. Packer's yell awakens the other miners, who begin to stir]
Packer:Sorry.
Humphrey:[sits up] Is there anymore Swan left? I want breakfast. [the wind begins to blow and the mountain fogs up]
[A few hours later, under a bright, cloudy sky]
Packer:You know, I think, I think we're really close now.
Noon:[drops his box] You know, I have lost count of how many times you've said that! I mean, how long have we been out here?! Three weeks?
Humphrey:More
Noon:I mean, how far can Breckenridge be?!
Bell:Jesus Christ, don't you idiots get it?! It's that stupid horse! That's why we're out here freezing and starving to death, because of his Goddamned horse!
Humphrey:What?
Bell:We're nowhere near Breckenridge! We're way too far south! [to Packer] Don't you remember what's south of Breckenridge? Saguache!
Noon:That's where the trappers were goin'.
Packer:You asked me to take you to Breckenridge; that's what I'm tryin' to do!
Bell:THEN WHY ARE WE SO FAR SOUTH?!
Humphrey:You guys, I just thought of something, too. [Packer looks at Miller]
Miller:What?
Humphrey:Okay, now remember when Swan was building that snowman?
Miners:[murmuring] Yeah
Humphrey:How the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?
Noon:You just now thought of that?
Humphrey:It's pretty fuckin' weird, isn't it? [Bell lunges at him and takes him down.]
Bell:Goddamnit, you fuckin' moron! [throws punches at him]
Noon:You know, Packer, because of you I am never gonna get laid!
Packer:[narrating] Bell's infected leg had finally gotten so bad that he was losing his shpadoinkle. [Humphrey manages to escape, and Bell goes after him into the distance]
Noon:I'll never get to do it doggy-style. [begins to cry] Never...
Packer:[narrating] Everybody was, including me. I kept thinking about Liane with that dirty trapper. I knew she'd never let anyone ride her but me, so, all could think about was her poor little, broken heart waiting for me to come home. And then I vowed to myself that no matter what, I wouldn't let that happen. [Miller taps Noon on the shoulder. Noon turns around and buries his head on Miller's chest] That no matter what, I was gonna make it. I knew the first step was to ...get the men's spirits back up like Swan would have done. [Humphrey returns with Bell fast on his heels. Bell knocks him over again. Miller and Noon break the embrace. Miller leafs through his inner coat pocket and pulls out some small scissors]
Miller:Here you go. [hands them to Packer, who lowers Swans head and effects, then rises]
Humphrey:[to Bell] Dude, be cool!
Packer:Okay. [turns around and fiddles with the scissors]
Bell:...Get off!
Noon:...I'll never get a blow job...
Humphrey:Come on, dude, be cool!
Packer:[turns around. His moustache is gone] You guys, look. Abe Lincoln. [Bell stops beatung up on Humphrey and looks]
Humphrey:Abe Lincoln?! [lunges at Packer and takes him down. Miller just shakes his head]
[Morning, a new day. The sun is out. The miners sit at another campfire. All of them are beat up, haggard, and quite tired]
Miller:[slowly, taking his time] You know, it's funny. When we started out on this trip, all I wanted was to be rich. But now, just some food, some warnth. That's all I'm askin' for.
Miners:[barely able to sing]
That's all we're askin' for. That's all we're askin' for.
Forget our piece of pie, we just don't wanna die.
We've had some rotten luck. We can't take it anymore.
We don't care if we're forever poor.
That's all___ we're as___
kin'___ for. [the men collapse on the floor]
Humphrey:So... cold. [pause] Can't move... Can't feel... Can't make complete sentences... We have to eat smoething
Miller:[lifts his head up.]Mmmaybe we should sacrifice somebody.
Noon:He's right. If one of us dies, the others can live..
Humphrey:[pointing] It should be Bell. He killed Swan. It's only fair.
Noon:I agree. [Humphrey, Noon, and Miller move towards Bell]
Bell:You should kill him! [motions to Packer] He's the one that got us into this. [Humphrey, Noon, and Miller move towards Packer hungrily]
Packer:Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Uh... we're almost up over this last ridge. We can probably see a long ways from there.
Bell:We can't do it, Packer. We can't even stand up.
Packer:[rises and moves off] I'll go. You guys just watch the fire. [turns and walks a few feet, then looks back] And nobody eat anybody! [turns and moves, looks back, then walks away]
[The map reappears. The red line circles back to the small tributary. He crosses it, and he walks by the south side of the small lake, then down into Nex Mexico, then back to the small lake. He returns to camp after a few days, in the morning]
Packer:Okay you guys. I was wrong about the ridge. But- [stops in his tracks and looks around. Noon's body lies face down, a large bag over it. Miller lies on his back, blood staining his hair. Humphrey lying on his back with his lower left leg missing and an ax next to the stump] What are you guys doing? [no answer. Bell appears behind Packer hauling some firewood]
Bell:Yeah, they were gonna kill me. After you left, they attacked me. So I had to defend myself. [walks to the fire and drops the would beside it] Well, looks like it's survival of the strongest, eh Packer? Maybe it's for the best. I mean, now we have enough meat to last us for weeks. Hell, we may even make it till summer! Ha, yessir! The Lord works in mysterious ways. [Packer is speechless] We can... we could say we lost these boys. Bury the bodies and... no one will ever know! I can... open my church and you can build your ranch.
Packer:I don't kow, I, I think we should probably just go tell somebody, you know? I mean, I mean, if it was in self-defense, they won't care-
Bell:Don't be stupid, man! [rises and approaches Packer, looking at hm eye-to-eye] Nobody'll believe this. Don't forget, you ate Swan too. If anybody finds out about ANY of this, they'll hang us BOTH!
Packer:Why? You killed them.
Bell:That's NOT HOW I REMEMBER IT!! And I'm not about to let some ignorant POKE RUIN MY CHANCE AT BECOMING A PRIEST!! [taps Packer on the lapels and drops down to the fire again]
Packer:You know what, Bell? I think you've really lost it. And, and I, I don't think you killed in, in self-defense either! I think you just ...killed them! And I'm telling! [Bell reaches for a knife jammed into Miller's crotch, Packer reaches for a knife stack on a branch behind him]
Bell:You're not telling anybody anything EVER AGAIN! [Packer just chops at Bell with the butcher knife, and the knife stays on Bell's face. Bell staggers away] Children... [falls forward face first. Packer turns away and drops to his knees. Bell rises up a few second later screaming. Packer fumbles around and finds a pistol, then takes it and shoots Bell with it. Bell drops back on his knees, his back arching. Packer slowly walks up and tentatively pokes Bell with the butcher knife's handle a couple of times. Nothing happens. Packer goes to poke once more... Bell suddenly sits up] AAAAHH!!
Packer:AAAAHH! [takes the knife and jams it into Bell's left eye. Bell falls back to the ground. Packer moves away and turns around, and sings] Why do I- [senses something behind him]
Bell:AAAAHH! [stands ready to hug Packer. Packer ducks out of the way]
Packer:AAAAHH! [moves towards the fire and the supplies and throws whatever he finds at Bell]
Bell:[speaks incoherently for a while, then] I'll get you Packer- [Packer finds a large pickax and swings it into Bell's chest. Bell staggers back but takes a long time in falling down. One final convulsion and Bell falls silent. The pickax has pinned Bell to the tree at his back. Packer approaches gingerly. He makes like he's running away, but Bell doesn't move. Packer tiptoes a bit, but Bell doesn't move. Packer draws closer, slowly, then relaxes and turns away. He jerks his head around and checks for a reaction. Nothing. He decides to walk off]
[The Sheriff's office.]
Packer:The snow storms didn't let up, so... I stayed in that camp for weeks, living off the bodies of the others. I knew right then no one would believe what happened. I made my way to an Indian agency and... and they just fixed me up and sent me to the next town. I told everyone that I didn't know where the others were, that I'd lost them. But,... then...
[Saguache, Colorado, 1874. Packer exits a barber shop. A man appears on the wooden sidewalk behnd him, apparently waiting for him]
Man:Alferd Packer? [Packer turns around and looks. The man approaches] I'm the sheriff of Saguache. Some people are uh... gettin' mighty suspicious of ya.
Packer:Me?
Sheriff:[rests his left arm on a pillar] Well... the rest of your party hasn't shown up yet.
Packer:Well, yeah.
Sheriff:Well... I'm gonna put together a search party, and I'd like you to come along, show us where you last saw 'em.
Packer:I can't. See, I have to get back to Utah and try to find my-
Sheriff:Back to Utah?? What if those people are still up there strugglin' for their lives?
Packer:Okay, I'll, I'll go
Sheriff:All right. Meet me in my office at sunrise. You know what they say about sunrise... [looks at Packer for a long time, then leaves. Packer turns and walks off as well. He passes a statue of an Indian chief and reaches a saloon when he sees a horse and rider stationed at a hitching post. The horse strikes him as familiar.]
Packer:Liane! [raises his head to see who the rider is]
Cabazon:Heheh, don't you look sharp. [Nutter stands to his right, Loutzenheizer to his left] Whatcha doin' here in Saguache? I thought you were headin' to Breckenridge.
Packer:This is my horse.
Cabazon:Heheh, she just followed me here.
Packer:[displaced] She's letting you ride her. [walks to the saloon entrance and motions to Liane] Come'ere, girl. [Cabazon laughs, then taps his friends to do the same.]
Cabazon:Tell you what. Give you eight dollars for her.
Packer:[wistfully] Keep your money. [turns around and walks into the saloon]
Packer:[narrating] At that moment I realized Liane hadn't been stolen. She'd left me. [Cabazonn turns Liane around and rides off with Nutter and Loutzenheizer following] For him.
[The saloon, night. A piano player plays tunes from the movie. Packer is at the bar with a drink. The trappers approaches him]
Cabazon:So, they tell me you lost the rest of your party. Kinda misplaced them, didja? Now you're just kinda hangin' back, havin' a little drinkie-poo, huh?
Packer:I'm not havin' a drinkie-poo. Leave me alone.
Cabazon:Not only did I get here two months ahead of you, Packer, but I came back with everyone I started with. [the miners laugh at him and walk away. Packer could not let this humiliation go unanswered]
Packer:[challenging, rises from his stool] Tell me something, Frenchy? [Cabazon turns around] How does it feel to be riding my horse?
Cabazon:Come off it, Packer. Everyone in this town has ridden your horse! [Packer punches him on the right cheek] You're gonna pay for that, digger. [Cabazon prepares to return the blow, but the sheriff staggers in drunk, with half a bottle of liquor in his hand]
Sheriff:Packer! [realizes he's pointing at the wrong person and adjusts his aim] Packer! You lied to me. They found the bodies up on Slumgullion Pass. They were eaten. I'm taking you downtown! Cannibal! [Packer feels a tap on his shoulder. He looks up to find Cyclops looking down at him]
Cyclops:You little bastard! Now you must die! [pushes Packer into a bar patron] Goddamn cannibal Yankee! [grabs him and tosses him through the air]
Packer:Whoa mama! [Another patron picks him up, dusts him off, and throws three punches at him: right, left, right. A third patron turns him around and delivers three of his own: right, left, and a punch directly on the nose. Packer staggers backwards, and Nutter catches him] Okay, wait wait- [Nutter punches him in the stomach once] Ow! Okay. [twice] Oh! That's gonna hurt. [three times] Ooof. [Packer staggers backwards into the piano. The pianist rises and gives him two knee thrusts, then tosses him back into the crowd] Now wait you guys. I can explain every- [a whore knocks him out with a bottle of liquor] Ohhh... [everyone crowds in on him and tries to hit him at least once]
Cabazon:NOW WAIT!! [everyone stops and backs off. Cabazon takes off his outer coat] He's mine! [Packer rises] Now I'm gonna show you a good trapper beatin'. [throws four punches at him: right, left, right, right. Packer lands on the piano, striking a C chord. He raises his head and looks back. On the piano's fašade. a picture of the Chief appears.]
Chief's Image:"Remember what you learned, Paka-san. Don't be such a wimp." [Packer rises with determination as the image disappears]
Packer:[faces off against Cabazon again] Dirty so-and-so horsey-snatching little- [kicks him, and Cabazon goes through a table]
Cyclops:Jinkies. [Cabazon gathers himself and slowly rises. He then draws his large knife and approaches Packer. Packer kicks the knife away and it catches against a support. Packer kicks Cabazon in the groin, throws quick punches at it, gives it a head-butt, delivers more punches, a kick, and a few more punches. Cabazon looks dazed and falls forward. The sheriff steps forward.]
Packer:[quickly retrieves Cabazon's body and holds it up] Okay, okay. Nobody, nobody move, or else... [grabs Cabazon's head so the neck is exposed] I'll eat this guy right in front of you!
Cabazon:[his voice strained] He's serious man! Don't move!
Sheriff:[drunk] He is a cannibal! [Packer drops Cabazon and runs outside]
Cabazon:[recovering] Well don't just stand there! Go get him!
Sheriff:Let's get him! [everyone in the bar runs out and gives chase. Packer runs. but is stopped by Liane's presence. He looks at her for a moment. She slowly turns away, so Packer runs off. The saloon crowd sees him and gives chase again]
[Lake City Sheriff's office. Packer is almost finished with his dollhouse, and also with telling his story]
Packer:And I ran and I ran and I ran just as, just as fast as I possibly could.
Pry:But... You made it to Wyoming, right?
Packer:Yeah, but... I would have been better off just letting those people catch me and kill me.
Pry:Why?
Packer:You ever been to Wyoming? [A shot of desolate Wyoming, the wind blowing, no one around. Packer braves the wind: "Heh-hello??"]
Pry:Oh God, it sounds horrible!
Packer:It was. I managed to hide out there for a while but they caught up with me, brought me back, and now I don't know what's gonna happen.
Pry:You'll be fine, I promise. And I'll be with you the whole time. You'll see, Alferd. There won't be a hanging day.
Packer:[softly, hearfelt] You have made me feel better... You know, I think maybe there is hope.
[Hanging Day, the Lake City Courthouse, porch. The sheriff watches as Mr. Mills, the prosecutor, holds court before a large crowd]
Mills:I know that today will be a day that goes down in history as a day in which justice was truly served! Now, let's hang the bastard!
Crowd:Yeah!
[The Sheriff's office, nearby. A guard comes in to take Packer to the gallows]
Guard:[juggling a chain in his hands] Come on, Packer. It's time for the show.
Packer:Wait. Did you see that lady that's been around here?
Guard:Polly Pry? She went back to Denver.
Packer:Denver?
Guard:Yeah. She worked for the Denver Post. Didn't you know that? [chuckles] Douchebag. [Packer stares off into space]
[The street. The sheriff struts in front of a lawyer's office. Mills struts behind him. A lovely woman sits on the edge of the office's porch]
Sheriff:Hang the bastard, hang him high. Hoist his body to the sky.
It's as nice as a day can be.
Mills:[grabs a pole and swings down to the woman, enticing her] Won't you come to the hanging with me? [The sheriff goes into his office and comes out with Packer, escorted by two guards. The crowd erupts in approval]
Crowd:[exuberantly follows the sheriff, guards, and Packer. The people begin singing and dancing]
Hang the bastard, hang him high. Hoist his body to the sky.
It's as nice as a day can be. Won't you come to the hanging with me?
Hang the bastard, hang him well. Send his sorry soul to hell
When his neck bones snap, we'll know that the cannibal won't be killing anymore
Man In Barrel:[pops out] His face will turn red, then purple, then blue! [a woman secures the noose. The trappers sit on a roof nearby]
Nutter:We'll watch from up here to get a good view.
Cabazon:[falsetto, still feeling the effects of bruised balls]
And when his eye bug out we'll know it's the end of him and the end of the show!
Crowd:So, hang the bastard, hang him with cheer. We'll make some hot dogs and drink a few beers
And when his tongue rolls out we'll know it's the end of the show and we all can go home.
Drunks:[including the man in the barrel]
But not till we hang the bastard, hang him here. The most exciting thing this town has seen in years
When his body stops jerking we'll know
Women:[around a waiting casket] It's the end of him.
Drunks:It's the end of him.
Women:It's the end of him
Crowd:[Packer is now at the gallows and the noose goes around his neck]
And the end of the show!
Drunk:Cowbell solo! [a man in a tree begins banging his cowbell]
Crowd:[Three women prepare to jump into the air and join the crowd in the dance]
Sooooo, Hang the bastard, hang him high. Kiss his guilty butt good-bye!
It's as nice as a day can be. Won't you come to the hanging with me?
Green Puppet:[in a puppet stage box] His vains will pop out all over his head!
Red Puppet:[in the same box] We'll tickle his armpits to make sure he's dead!
And when his tongue rolls out we'll know it's the end of him and we all can go home.
[some kids applaud the puppets]
Crowd:[slowly] But___ not___ till___ we___
Hang the bastard, hang him high. Hoist his body to the sky.
[a shot of the trappers lifting their legs chorus-line style]
And when his body stops jerking we'll know
[The people jerk around like they're being hanged, then sustain the last word]
Nutter:[breaks the spell] it's the end of him
Mills:It's the end of him
Sheriff:It's the end of him
Crowd:And the end of the show!

Hooray!

Sheriff:Alferd Packer, do you have any last words?
Packer:Yes I do.
Crowd:Awwww!
Sheriff:Right. Make it snappy.
Packer:Probably the most important thing is that when things... get really bad, and the world looks its darkest, you just have to thrwo up your hands and say "well, all right!" 'Cause it's probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse.
Sheriff:Jolly good speech! Now, let's get on with the hanging!
Crowd:Hooray!!
Sheriff:[dramatically] Release the floor! [a drummer begins a drumroll, the guard grabs the lever]
Packer:Shpadoinkle!
Pry:WAIT!! [everyone turns to see Pry riding into town with a document in her hand] WAIT!! [the crowd makes way for her] Move it! [stops her horse and dismounts, then rushes up to the gallows. She shows her document to the Sheriff] Wait! This... is a stay of execution ordered by the Governor! [makes her way arount the gallows to the steps and runs up]
Sheriff:What?! Why?! [the people begin to chatter. Polly Pry turns to address them]
Pry:The events that this man is being hung for took place before Colorado was made into a state. This was all Ute Indian Reservation. Packer cannot legally be tried under state law.
Crowd:AWWWW!!
Mills:I'm afraid you're out of line, Miss Pry!
Pry:No, Mr. Mills, it's youuu who's out of line, since you knew about this the entire trial!
Crowd:Ooooooo!
A woman:Asshole!
Mills:Polly, why are you doing this?
Pry:Because I've learned something, about helping people instead of manipulating them.
Packer:Does this mean I'm not gonna die today?
Pry:Yes. [happily] Yes, Alferd, it does.
Packer:Well why did you go to all this trouble?
Pry:Do you wanna know why? [Cabazon rises from his perch and walks off]
Packer:Yes.
Pry:Your eyes, your smile, make my little life worthwhile
There's nowhere I'd rather be, if you were on top of-
[Cabazon charges up the steps, and removes the executioner]
Cabazon:[falsetto] What the hell do you think you're doing here, lady?! These people came to see some good violence, and by golly, they're gonna get some!
Crowd:YEAH!!
Cabazon:Die, cheezmo! [pulls the lever and Packer drops through the open floor. A pair of feet run up the stairs in front of Packer and a sword chops through the noose. The Chief has cut Packer down. Cabazon faces him] Hey, you can't do that, Jerky!
Chief:You're a bad, bad person! YAAA!! [swings his sword, and Cabazon's head drops to the ground in front of the crowd. The people gasp, but soon accept this as violence enough. They cheer, then disperse amid chatter. Packer lifts himself out of the hole]
Packer:Chief! How did you get here?
Chief:[points to something on the ground below] Oh, your friend told me you needed help.
Packer:[follows the pointer and looks in amazement] Liane?
Pry:[glances over] I found her for ya, Alferd.
Packer:[slaps his thighs] Here girl! [Liane turns her back on him and farts]
Pry:I'll go get her. [turns to leave]
Packer:[stops her] No. I don't need her anymore. Hey Chief, you want a horse?
Chief:You don't want the horse?
Packer:No. I think I know what I want now. [reaches out and takes Polly's hands in his. The Chief draws his sword and leaves the gallows] Someone who really cares about me.
Pry:[thrilled] There's an appeal case to work on, Alferd. I have to go back to Denver, but I'll be back up here tomorrow. [a horse's neigh is heard, then a chop]
Packer:Gosh, how can I ever repay you?
Pry:[gushing] You already have, Packer. You already have!
Tiny Tim:God bless us, everyone.
Pry:The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green.
Packer:My heart's as full as a baked potato.
Packer, Pry:I'm sure you know exactly what I mean
[A shot of Cabazon's head. Someone walks by and looks at it]
When I say it's a shpadoinkle day!
[Packer and Pry finally kiss, passionately]
Crowd:When we say it's a shpadoin___kle___ day______!
DUE TO THE CONTINUED
EFFORTS OF POLLY PRY,
ALFERD PACKER WAS
EVENTUALLY RELEASED
FROM PRISON IN 1901
[Packer and Pry gaze into each other's eyes, and a third person joins them]
Bell:AAAAAAAAAA!!
Packer, Pry:AAAAAAAAAA!!
[Fade out to a painting. The End.]