Most Notorious Episode - Cartman's Mom is (Still) a Dirty Slut

Cast:

Trey Parker
Matt Stone

Stan
Kyle
Kenny
Cartman
Liane Cartman
Chief Running Water
Ute Indians
Grampa
Mr. Mackey
Chef
Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat
1989/1991 Denver Broncos
Jimbo
Ned
Officer Barbrady
Dr. Alphonse Mephesto
Kevin, the monkey boy
Jesus
Priest Maxi
Principal Victoria
Mayor McDaniels
Halfy
Bob Saget
Sid Greenfield, Los Angeles director for America's Most Wanted
John Walsh, host
Boom Mike Operator and Cameraman
Director's Assistant
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Eric Roberts
Dr. Doctor and Nurse Goodly
Unplanned Parenthood counselor
Congressman O'Reilly
Bill Clinton


This two-parter was chosen by the fans over four other episodes in the months of May and June 2002, and aired on June 19, 2002. The two transcripts for the eps have been combined to reflect the two-part special. Enjoy! :) Trivia: the waterfall you see is in Snoqualmie, Washington. The SP writers had their latest retreat there.

[A shot of a waterfall. "Great Destinations" appears on the screen with a compass to the left. The camera zooms out as two men enter the scene and turn around. They are Trey Parker and Matt Stone.]
Trey:[to the left, wearing a red windbreaker] Welcome to Great Destinations. I'm Trey Parker.
Matt:[to the right, wearing a blue swimmer's cap and navy shirt] And I'm Matt Stone
Trey:And we're here to introduce to you... [turns to his left and sweeps his arm towards the waterfall] to the most notorious episode of South Park ever.
Matt:A two-parter where we reveal "Who is Cartman's father?"
Trey:Lots of crazy things went down after this episode aired. Why don't you take a look, and we'll meet you back here to tell you all about 'em. [smiling, they turn away from the camera and look at the waterfall. Fade out, and Part I begins]
[The bus stop. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan are waiting for the bus]
Stan:Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.
Kyle:Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong
Kenny:(Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed) [the three laugh]
Kyle:Yeah.
Stan:Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him. [the bus pulls up]
Ms. Crabtree:Come on, we're running late!
Stan:We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Ms. Crabtree:What did you say?!
Stan:I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Ms. Crabtree:Oh. Alright, then. [closes the door and drives away]
Kyle:Whoa, dude.
Stan:I always wondered if that would work.
[The boys approach Cartman's house. Kyle rings the bell.]
Liane Cartman:Hello, boys.
Kyle:Hi. We were wondering why fatass [mitt to mouth] I mean-Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.
Liane Cartman:Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
Stan:In the backyard?
[In the backyard. A classical piece plays as the camera looks at the picnic table left over from Cartman's birthday. Cartman is at table surrounded by four dolls: he is hosting a tea party. Think Mr. Hat, then the Mad Hatter…]
Cartman:Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?
Polly:Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.
Cartman:You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants. [The boys pop up over some bushes and look at Cartman from a distance] Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
Clyde:Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?
Cartman:Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
Polly:You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.
Cartman:Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you. [sips]
Stan:[behind the bushes with the others] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Kenny:(I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea)
Kyle:Come on! Let's go make fun of him!
Stan:No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.
Kyle:Really?
Peter:[back at table] We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
Cartman:Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.
Polly:Eric is the best!
Clyde:Hooray for Eric!
Peter:Eric kicks ass!
[At school, the Counselor's office. The boy who saw the counselor in December is back, but then, so is Kyle]
Kyle:Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
Mr. Mackey:Oh, well, there's a news flash!
Stan:Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.
Kyle:Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.
Mr. Mackey:Oooh okay-Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, mkay?
Kyle:Woo-whataya mean?
Mr. Mackey:Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?
Stan:No.
Mr. Mackey:Well-obviously something is bothering him. [looks left] Oh, of course! [walks over to a shelf] My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, mkay?
Stan:Is that legal?
Mr. Mackey:Oh, hell yes!
[Back at Cartman's Tea Party]
Cartman:My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.
Polly:Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true.
Peter:Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.
Cartman:That's niiice, Peter Panda.
[Stan and Kyle are back at the bushes with Mr. Mackey's camera]
Stan:Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.
Kyle:How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
Stan:I donnow, just keep rolling.
Cartman:More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin:Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman:Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Rumpertumskin:I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman:[not knowing how to take that, then] Eeeyy!
[Cartman's house, later that night. Cartman and his mom are dining when Kitty comes by.]
Kitty:Meow.
Cartman:No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!
Kitty:Meow.
Cartman:No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!
Kitty:Hhhhhcck!
Mrs. Cartman:How is your beefy roast, snookums?
Cartman:Mom? Can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman:Sure, hon.
Cartman:You know how my friend Stan, has… a dad?
Mrs. Cartman:Uh huuuh.
Cartman:And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman:Yyeess?? [they look at each other for a long time] Well, what's your question, hon?
Cartman:God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman:Oooooohh.
Cartman:I want to know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman:Ooohh, hhmmm [finger to lips]. Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are… attracted to each other [Kitty is still looking at Cartman], they want to be… close to each other.
Cartman:Uh huuh.
Mrs. Cartman:And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha. [Cartman and his mom look at each other, Kitty looks at them both.]
Cartman:So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?
Mrs. Cartman:Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance. [A flashback sequence begins where a barn appears with a banner…]
12th ANNUAL DRUNKEN BARN DANCE
[Cows are standing around while music and light emanate from inside the barn]
Mrs. Cartman:I was young and naive then… [she is seen downing a very tall flask of beer]
Man:Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
Ms. Cartman:Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he. [the band ends its tune] I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! [she stands next to Barbrady]
Trainee Barbrady:I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!
Ms. Cartman:[breathlessly] Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
Trainee Barbrady:[takes a cookie and bites into it] Mm, that's a good cookie! [the band resumes playing]
Jimbo:Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance! [a duck falls from the ceiling and everybody takes their bottles of beer and toast the occasion. They drop their empty bottles, and Ned ends up falling where he stands.]
Mrs. Cartman:And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name… was Chief Running Water. [The crowd separates to reveal a handsome Indian entering the dance. A song begins: "There you are, like a throbbing star. I want you to make love to me." Ms. Cartman and the Chief focus in on each other, then walk to each other, then bump into each other. Ms. Cartman falls, then gets up, vomits, and starts dancing with the Chief.] I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.
Cartman:So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?
Mrs. Cartman:Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.
Cartman:[weighs the story, then] That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
Mrs. Cartman:I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.
Cartman:Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Naive American.
Kitty:Meow.
Cartman:No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!
[Stan's house. Grampa, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching TV.]
Annoncer:Coming this Sunday, [music begins to play] a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip. [the title screen appears] In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
Terrance:Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.
Phillip:Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance. [farts. They both laugh]
Annoncer:[music starts up again] See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.
Stan:Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!
Kyle:Yeah, dude. It looks riveting. [Grampa starts flipping channels]
Stan:Come on Grampa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
Grampa:No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
Stan:Aaawww.
Kyle:[at the same time] Hunh?
Annoncer:And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!
Bob Saget:Hey, I just flew into the studio. [flaps his right arm like he actually flew in] Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh. [Grampa laughs, but no one in the studio audience is] Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts. [only he and Grampa laugh] Knock knock. [the audience stays silent] Bob [---] Bob Saget [chuckles to himself. As if on cue, the audience breaks into laughter and some members fall over. Grampa falls over, too, and laughs his ass off for a minute or so]
Stan:This guy sucks! [the bell rings and he goes to answer it]
Kyle:Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
Stan:[opens the door] Cartman? What the hell are you doing dresed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
Cartman:[Indian music plays] Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people. [He's dressed in Indian clothes (including tassles), with a headband holding three feathers, and an eagle necklace, not a bear one.]
Stan:What?? [Kyle and Kenny reach the door, look at Cartman, and crack up]
Cartman:Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut! [the boys are quiet] Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.
Stan:What are you talking about, Cartman?!
Cartman:My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
Stan:Go ahead, dude. [Cartman turns left and leaves to get the bike. The other three return to the sofa to watch TV]
Kyle:Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
Stan:Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!
Bob Saget:Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000. [chuckles]
Grampa:Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
Kyle:Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video. [They realize that they do, then look at the videotape, and smile]
UTE NATIVE AMERICAN RESERVATION
Chief Running Water:…And Bear cried to Eagle-
Indian 1:Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.
Chief Running Water:What kid?
Indian 1:He claims to be your kid.
Cartman:[squeezing into the campfire circle] Hiya, Dad!
Chief Running Water:Who the hell are you?
Cartman:I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Chief Running Water:Your mother??
Cartman:Liane Cartman.
Chief Running Water:Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second. [suddenly serious] Look, kid, I'm not your father.
Cartman:But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
Chief Running Water:Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'
Cartman:Whatooya mean?
Chief Running Water:She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
Cartman:Huh??
Chief Running Water:Your mom's a slut [a Ute on either side of him nods agreement]
Cartman:Eeyy!!
Chief Running Water:Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you. [he flashes back to the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance] We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot. ["There you are…"] I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.
Ms. Cartman:Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
Chief Running Water:Whoa, Helloooh!! [They start kissing. A man vomits and passes out]
Ms. Cartman:[interrupting the action] Wait. Wait. [She looks towards the entrance, and the Chief rolls back] Who is that? [some funk plays as Chef makes his entrance and waves hello to everyone. She looks at Chef. "There you are like a throbbing star-" Now these two focus in on each other] Chief… could you excuse me for a minute?
Chief Running Water:Huh?? [Ms. Cartman gets up and leaves] You gotta be kidding me.
Ms. Cartman:[approaching Chef] Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. [flirts with him gently]
Chef:Nawh. I'm new in town.
Ms. Cartman:Wehell, what's a nice, handsome, black [looks at his crotch. He follows her gaze] man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?
Chef:I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
Ms. Cartman:Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to… put your tongue in my mouth?
Chef:Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?
Ms. Cartman:Ahah, I'm plastered! [tongues come out and they start kissing]
Cartman:[alone with the Chief] His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??
Chief Running Water:He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
Cartman:Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
[Back in town, the following day. Kenny is trying to start a go-cart]
Stan:Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.
Kyle:Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?
Stan:Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
Kyle:If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.
Stan:[with the right hand cupped to the side of his mouth] Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
Cartman:[with rap beats playing now] 'S up, homies? [he's dressed in a red jogging suit and white sneakers. He has a large clock hanging off his necklace and sports a high flat-top. On his right hand are some brass knuckles with the work 'PIE' grafted to them.]
Stan:Cartman?!
Cartman:I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle:You live on the Eastside, Cartman!
Stan:Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
Cartman:[aloofly] Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian. [Stan and Kyle just look at him] You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad. [start to moonwalk away to the sound of scratchin']
Stan:Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000.
[Kenny finally gets the go-cart going, but is yanked behind it. It won't let him go, and a variation on Mission Impossible begins to play]
Kenny:(Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
Stan, Kyle:Hold on, Kenny!
Kenny:(Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'- [hits a bump on the road] AARGH [the go-cart returns and goes into the snow] Goddamn, why- [goes into a tight grove of trees, then exits] Oh this freakin'- [hits a boulder] AARGH [the go-cart lands upside down on some tracks. Kenny gets up and dusts himself off.] Phew. [The guys look at him and he waves to them] Well, I'm fine, guys! [they smile and wave back.] Now if I can- [a train strike him and the go-cart, obliterating both]
Stan:Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
Kyle:You bastards!
[Chef's house. Cartman arrives]
Chef:Hello?
Cartman:Yo, Pops!
Chef:[studying…] Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?
Cartman:You know, jus'… layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?
Chef:Get in here! [drags him in]
Cartman:Westsa-eed-eh.
Chef:[now in the living room with Cartman] Take that wig off! [does it himself] What's gotten into you?!
Cartman:You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Chef:What?! Noh! Uh, did I?
Cartman:He said you kissed her with your tongue.
Chef:Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.
Cartman:[dejected] Huho. So you're not my dad?
Chef:Of course not. Here. You children sit down, [props him up on a stool] and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad.

When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man,
Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut…he acts like he does, in order to get some action, heheh
The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's right
And they caress and touch each other, until the part of the man grows

Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hot
And the man says "I love you" and the woman says "hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom"
So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you wait…[pause]…and you wait, and you wait, and you waaaaiit
And you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom

Finally she comes back, and she says, "Baby, I'm gettin' hot!"
And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of…

Cartman:What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!
Chef:Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember. [Back at the Drunken Barn Dance. Chef is kissing Ms. Cartman on the hay stack]
Ms. CartmanWhoa, Chef! [he pulls away a bit] You're so strong!
Jimbo:Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos! [The barn door opens and the Broncos pour in. Most of them are "hutt-hutting"]
Bronco 1:Are we late for the party?
Bronco 2:What the hell town is this?
Ms. Cartman[getting in the mood: "There you are, like a shining star. I want-"] Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!
Chef:Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!
Ms. CartmanWoooh! Whooppee!! [throws her arms out in ecstacy] Unhh! [a hand appears from under the hay. Chef grabs it and pulls the rest of the body up]
Chef:Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
Mr. Garrison:You're drunk, Mr. Hat! [Mr. Garrison is rather pleased that he did quite a bit without getting caught. Ms. Cartman now looks at Mr. Garrison. "There you are-"]
Chef:Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!
Ms. CartmanCome on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a manage o'three?
Chef:Yeah! When two women are involved. [moves away]
Mr. Garrison:Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman. [moves quickly on top of her and starts kissing her]
Chef:And that's… who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!
Cartman:No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!
[Stan's house that afternoon. He, Kyle, and Grampa are once again looking at TV]
Announcer:And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
Bob Saget:Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.
Cartman:Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend. [the audience is watching]
Polly:I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all. [the audience starts to laugh]
Cartman:Realy? You don't think so?
Clyde:Naw, you're not fat.
Cartman:[grabs a teacup] Gee, that's kewl. [The audience is laughing harder. Stan and Kyle are laughing with the audience, and Stan's parents appear]
Carol:Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.
Stan:Huh? [looks up at them] Oh yeah.
Randy:Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?
Stan:How 'bout some ice cream?
Kyle:Yeah, with butterscotch. [Stan nods agreement]
Carol:You bet, you poor dears.
Bob Saget:Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is [drumroll crescendo] Little Boy's Tea Party
Kyle:Woohoo!
Stan:Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!
Kyle:We're gonna win $10,000! [Grampa doesn't look pleased…]
Stan:Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! [Kyle dances gleefully]
[The Bar. Mr. McCormick and Mr. Garrison are at the bar]
Mr. Garrison:Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat:Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison:Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem! [to the barkeep] Another Cosmo, please.
Cartman:[throwing the bar doors open] All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!
Mr. Garrison:What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
Cartman:It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!
Mr. Garrison:[gasps] Oh.
Jimbo:Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison:I am not gay!
Cartman:Then you did sleep with my mon?
Mr. Garrison:No!
Jimbo:He's gay!!
Mr. Garrison:Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?! [Everything stops and gasps are heard] Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman? [two men at a table look around and get shocked. Principa Victoria and the Mayor are seen next]
Principa Victoria:Oooooh.
Mayor:[at the same time] Hmmm. [Jesus and the Priest look shocked as well. No one moves]
Grizzled man:I haven't.
Mr. Garrison:…You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!
Halfy:Oh. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison:So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know. [Cartman slumps and Jimbo takes pity on him]
Jimbo:[approaching him] Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean. [a dirge plays as Cartman heads out of the bar. Jimbo and Mr. Garrison look on, as do Jesus and the Priest]
Mephesto:Wait, wait. [Cartman stops.] I know a way to find out. [He is at the bar with his little friend]
Cartman:[turns around] How?
Mephesto:At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
Cartman:Really? You can? [the dirge turns hopeful]
Mephesto:Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but…
Cartman:How much?
Mephesto:Three thousand should cover it.
Cartman:I don't have $3000.
Mephesto:Oh. Never mind.
[The bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle are waiting]
Stan:Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.
Kyle:I'm gonna a Walkman with my half.
Cartman:[depressed] Hi guys.
Stan:How's it going, Cartman?
Cartman:Oh, fine. How are you guys?
Kyle:[looks at Stan; both are worried] Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?
Cartman:Ohh. Nothing. It's just… nothing.
Stan:Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman:Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but… to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and… I don't have $3000.
Stan:Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
Cartman:Well, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh… [Stan and Kyle look at each other again, seeing who'll make a move first] Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while.
Kyle:Uuuh, Cartman. Wwe know how you can get $3000.
Cartman:[suddenly bright] You do?
Stan:Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and… if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.
Cartman:You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!
Stan:Uh, yyeah.
[Cartman's house that night. The boys are on the sofa]
Announcer:And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
Cartman:What kind of video did you guys make?
Stan:Uuh, you'll see.
Bob Saget:Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have norrowed it down to only three videos-first it's… "Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."
Falsetto:Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. [picks up a hat and walks towards a man on a chair] Hahaha. [leaps up behind the man and drops the hat in place] Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, [jumps off, and the man turns to see the camera] hehehahahuh. [the audience laughs. One woman with red curly hair is particularly tickled by the video]
Bob Saget:And now our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea Party." [Cartman reacts to what he sees on screen, which is a video of his tea party two days before]
Cartman:Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
Polly:Oh, thank you, Eric. [the audience starts to laugh. Cartman is shocked, and Kyle, seeing Cartman's reaction, is afraid]
Bob Saget:Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh.
Stan:We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money! [Cartman's anger is beginning to build]
Cartman:I… am… so… pissed… off… right… now.
Kyle:[trying some encouragement] They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win! [Stan smiles, Kyle throws his arms up] We're gonna win!
Bob Saget:And finally our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit By A Train."
Falsetto:Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. [Stan and Kyle are shocked, Cartman is angrier] Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started. [the go-cart starts and pulls Kenny along 'round a corner, back again, into some tree, and finally onto the railroad tracks] Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train. [the train demolishes him] Ooooh, I sure did. [Stan and Kyle are agape, and the audience roars with laughter]
Stan:Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
Kyle:You bastards!
Bob Saget:Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh. [The audience continues laughing] And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit By A Train," [Stan is stunned, Kyle is cross] Nnnnhnnnhnnnh. [the audience laughs harder]
Stan:Dude. We lost.
Kyle:Dammit!
Cartman:[slowly, deliberately] I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously. [getting more livid with every word]
Bob Saget:Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
Grampa:I won! I won! [So that's why they were at Cartman's]
Stan:[his eyes grow large] Grampa!! [they go back to normal]
Bob Saget:Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time. [chuckles as the show ends]
Kyle:Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test.
Cartman:[very livid now] Kill… you… guys! Kill you guys!!
[Return to Great Destinations, showing the waterfall again. Trey and Matt return and face the camera.]
Trey:And so we decided to wait four weeks to reveal who was Cartman's father. [Matt looks and nods] But, then we realized that four weeks later was April 1st. [pause]
Matt:April Fools' Day! [Trey grins and nods] So we decided to do an April Fools' joke on our audience [Trey nods] and not reveal who Cartman's father is, but instead do an entire episode starring our two favorite stick-figured farting Canadian characters Terrance and Phillip. [scenes from "Not Without My Anus" play out]
Trey:We made the audience wait four weeks to find out who Cartman's father was, [begins to chuckle while talking] and then we just played a whole Terrance and Phillip episode instead.
Matt:They fart!
Trey:They fart.
Matt:[lets out a] Heh.
Trey:Well, the audience responded in mass numbers. [cut to an answering machine / phone]
Caller 1:[male, message 08, front angle] ...fuck you guys think you're doin' over there at Comedy Central?! I mean, eh you know what? People are waiting four fuckin' weeks to see who the fuck Cartman's father is, and you guys fuckin' show Terrance and Phillip?!
Caller 2:[female, message 25, 45-degree angle] ...and I personally will never watch your stupid show again!
Caller 3:[female, message 58, close-up] That wasn't funny, that was stupid. [return to the waterfall. Looks of trepidation appear on Matt and Trey's faces]
Matt:...Uhh. [pause, then looks at Trey] Ugh. Audiences like jokes, but they don't like jokes on them.
Trey:Yeah, we'll never do that again. [pause. Matt looks over again, then quickly faces the camera. Both men brighten instantly]
Matt:And so, a few weeks later we did another episode, where we actually, finally revealed "Who is Cartman's father?"
Trey:So let's take a look at that show now, here on Great Destinations. [music plays as they face the waterfall once more. Part II begins]
[South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Thunder and lightning abound.]
Mephesto:All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father… to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef [blinks up], Jimbo [a bit shocked], Mr. Garrison [eyebrows up], Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski [surprised], myself, my friend Kevin [looks up at him], or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.
Stan:Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!
Mephesto:The test results are in this envelope. [Cartman is hopeful] Shall I… open it?
Mr. Garrison:[impatiently] Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!
Mephesto:Erhum ehrum uh [gasps] The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
Announcer:[an organ plays] Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water? [looks askance] Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto? [looks around] Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo:Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison:You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Announcer:Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo:[agahst] Daaagh!
Announcer:Or is Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady:Huh?! Where?!
Announcer:Or could it be Ned?
Ned:Could be.
Announcer:Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle:[pissed] Dad, how could you?!
Announcer:Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?
Cartman:Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.
Stan:[Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices] Oooh- hey, Kenny.
Mephesto:Gentlemen, the father is… [the lights go out]
Mr. Garrison:Hey, what the hell's going on?
Jimbo:It's a power outage!
[BANG BANG, then a body is heard falling. The lights go back on and the men settle down]
Chef:Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gun shot!
Officer Barbrady:Oh my God, look! [Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his ass-headed cane next to him]
Kenny:(Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)
Kyle:You bastards!
Mr. Garrison:Mephesto's been shot. [everyone gathers round Mephesto]
Chef:Is he …dead?
Jimbo:[with Ned by a broken window] Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!
Mr. Garrison:Then who was it?
Announcer 1:Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman:Ey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer 1:Or was it Ms. Broflovski?
Chef:[listening to Mephesto's chest] Waait! [getting up] He's still breathin'-he's not dead.
Cartman:[grabbing Mephesto's shirt] Goddammit! Who's my father?
Chef:[about to lift Mephesto] We have to get him to the hospital.
Cartman:You've got to be kidding me!
Chef:Come on, children! [carries Mephesto out the door. Cartman follows]
Cartman:Eeeehh!
Gerald Broflovski:Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this. [Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away]
Jimbo:There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.
Mr. Garrison:Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.
Announcer 1:Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
[Chef is driving up a hill with the kids and Mephesto on the first night of this episode]
Cartman:Is he awake yet?
Kyle:[checking] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
Chef:Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle:What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef:I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to… [mad at himself] Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?
Stan:Could you pull over so I can get out?
Chef:What??? We have to get to the hospital.
Stan:I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it-I can't stand hospitals!
Chef:Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?
Kyle:Man, it's really starting to snow. [outside view of snow falling as Chef drives by] I hope they don't close the roads.
Cartman:They can't. Mephesto can't die.
Kyle:Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.
Cartman:No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, Come Sail Away, by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.
Kyle:Really?
Cartman:Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.
Kyle:[looks at Stan, who looks back. He starts] I'm sailing away.
Cartman:No! Don't!
Kyle:Set an open course for the virgin sea…
Cartman:[tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong] Eh. [two short gasps follow, then he races through…]

For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me

On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore
And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on

Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay

A gathering of angels appeared above our heads
They sang to us this song of hope
And this is what they said

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

HELL'S PASS
HOSPITAL
35 MI
I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads

[heavy panting. Chef keeps driving]

Kyle:Whoa, dude!
[City Hall, first night. Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Carol, and Jimbo are assembled before the Mayor]
Jimbo:What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!
Sheila:We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.
Carol:Uh. Where are our children? [they look around]
Mayor:Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?
Officer Barbrady:Hmmm. That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that, with thinking.
Greenfield:[rushing in with cameraman amd boom mike operator] Mayor! Mayor!
Mayor:[aside to an aide] The press is here.
Greenfield:My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted
Mayor:[amazed] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.
Greenfield:We're desperate for stories. [boom mike operator thumps him] Ah and this one is so compelling.
Mayor:[aroused] Really??
Greenfield:Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.
Officer Barbrady:Hey, I thought of something. [close-up] Uh… oh, wait, that's subtraction.
Mayor:Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?
Jimbo:Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi-
Mayor:Shh.
Greenfield:We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.
Mayor:Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Greenfield:Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.
Cameraman:It is?
Mayor:[thoughtfully] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay! [gung-ho]
Greenfield:Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1:Who will the director cast first? Will it be… Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady, Chef?
Unplanned
Parenthood
CLINIC
[It is snowing on this first day.]
Liane:I want to have… an abortion.
Receptionist:Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs.…
Liane:Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.
Receptionist:Yes, Ms. Cartman-if you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?
Liane:About - eight years ago.
Receptionist:[processing] …I sseee, so the fetus is…
Liane:Eight years old.
Receptionist:Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.
Liane:Really?!
Receptionist:Yes- this is what we would refer to as the - "fortieth trimester"
Liane:But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
Receptionist:Wuh… But we prefer to abort babies a little- …earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester.
Liane:Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.
Receptionist:Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman-if you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman.
Liane:[rises from the chair] Well, that's exactly what I intend to do! Good day! [exits]
HELLS PASS HOSPITAL
[The second night]
Chef:[reaches the hospital and gets out quickly] Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in]
Stan:[stops] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman pass him]
Kyle:Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.
Cartman:Yeah, stop being a wuss!
[Operating room. A patient lies on the table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter]
Chef:Doctor!
Dr. Doctor:One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat! [she reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her mouth]
Kyle:Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!
Dr. Doctor:We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son. [she spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end]
Chef:Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!
Dr. Doctor:I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan:[pained] Oh man. [grabs his stomach] I'm gonna be sick.
Dr. Doctor:There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of. [squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side]
Stan:Oogh.
Nurse:[scraping sounds are now heard] Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone.
Stan:Ooooogh.
Dr. Doctor:[still driving the syringe] Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside. [blood bursts from the injection site] Oops. He's hemorrhaging. [a burst lands next to Stan]
Stan:[wide-eyed] Aaah!
Dr. Doctor:[plop] Ooo! His head fell off.
Stan:I'm gettin' out of here!
Kyle:Stan!
Dr. Doctor:Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.
[The second day. America's Most Wanted temporary set]
STAGE AAUDITIONS TODAY!
[Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the auditorium]
Mephesto tryout:And the father of Eric Cartman is… Bam. Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot! [drops the cane]
Greenfield:Oh. Thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [the actor departs] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Misteruhh Garrison.
Assistant:Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!
Garrison 1:Boy. I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 1:[just a sock with two purple disks for eyes] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield:Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!
Mr. Garrison:I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat:You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield:Thank you! Next!
Mr. Garrison:[shocked] What?
Greenfield: Next! [Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor enters]
Garrison 2:[an actor with a deep voice] I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 2:[a fist with a face drawn on it] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield:Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs! [Mr. Garrison stands dumbstruck]
[Same day. Liane is in bed with her congressman]
Liane:…And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.
O'Reilly:Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.
Liane:But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.
O'Reilly:No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff.
Liane:Oh, dear.
+
EMERGENCY
[The third night. Back at the hospital.]
Dr. Doctor:[Mephesto is on the operating table, sedated] Well, this is about all I can do for him.
Cartman:Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
Dr. Doctor:Sorry, son, it might be a while.
Cartman:[bounding onto Mephesto and slapping him around] Wake up, you sonofabitch!
Chef:Whoa!
Dr. Doctor:[as he lowers Cartman to te ground] Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.
Cartman:I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?
Kyle:Hey. Cartman.
Cartman:What?
Kyle:I'm sailing ay…
Cartman:-way. Set an open course for the virgin sea.
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me

On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard…

Stan:Okay okay, let's get outta here now! […We'll search for tomorrow on every shore…]
Kyle:[looking out at the snow storm] I don't know if that's gonna be too easy. […And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on.]
Dr. Doctor:My God, that's a hell of a storm. [I look to the sea. Reflections-]
Stan:[-in the waves spark my memory…] Oh, weak. [Kenny looks up towards the window.]
Cartman:…Some happy, some sad. I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We lived happily forever, so the-

[The third day. Back at the studio, auditions have ended]
Greenfield:[looking at the storm] God I hate mountains. [moving to the center of the studio] This better not push back our shooting schedule! [Actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone] Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it. [sees a new actor and turns to his assistant] Who's that?
Assistant:Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to ge him to play the part of the little monkey guy.
Greenfield:Whoa. Talk about "all washed-up", huh? Great to have you, Eric! [he stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile] Here we go, aaand action.
Mephesto actor:I want to announce who the father is.
Greenfield:Bang!!
Mephesto actor:Oh. I've been shot! [falls over]
Barbrady actor:Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef actor:My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
Mephesto actor:[as Chef actor speaks] Whoaw!
Barbrady actor:You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.
Chef actor:Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Barbrady actor:Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.
Barbrady:Whoa, this is a good movie!
[Same day, back at the hospital]
Cartman:Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee.
  • [the boys are in the emergency room with a bunch of patients bleeding, getting nauseous, etc.]
  • Stan:Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?
    [the doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the nurse]
    KEEP
    CLEAR
    Blonde:[bleeding from a gash on the neck] Doctor, I can't focus!
    Dr. Doctor:We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly. [she tosses the stethoscope around for a better hold]
    Chef:Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
    Dr. Doctor:Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked. [everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts] Mmetaphorically speaking, that is.
    Cartman:What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
    Dr. Doctor:He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out. [Bzht. Everything goes black] Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?
    [The fourth night. Show time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars]
    Voice-over:Tonight, on America's Most Wanted! A shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your hose, John Walsh.
    John Walsh:Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [his picture appears] was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructued this heinous crime [the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen] in hopes that your calls could help solve the case.
    RE-ENACTMENT
    Mephesto actor:[Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane] I've been shot!
    Garrison actor:[catches him] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!
    Mr. Hat actor (!):Right away, Mr. Garrison.
    Eric Roberts (as Kevin!):No, No! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?
    Greenfield:What the-? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvving lines again!
    Chef actor:I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?
    Eric Roberts:This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want-
    Greenfield:God-dammit! [outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt] What the hell is this?!
    Cameraman:We've lost the feed to L.A.
    John Walsh:Uuuhm. We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
    Announcer 1:Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?
    Greenfield:Somebody go see why we lost the hookup! [the doors fly open and snow is swept in]
    JImbo:Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!
    [The fourth day, back at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the backup generator has come online and everyone is running around]
    Nurse Goodly:Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine.
    Dr. Doctor:[opening the operating room doors wide] Nurse, I could use some help in here!
    Nurse Goodly:Coming! [finds Cartman in her way]
    Cartman:[haltng her] Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
    Nurse Goodly:Yes. For now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.
    Dr. Doctor:Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here! [she looks at him and glares] Oh. Sorry.
    [Same day. Liane at the Governor's mansion, in bed with him]
    Liane:Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one.
    Governor:[smoking] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm. [edges closer to her]
    Liane:I mean, whar right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh- Oh, I just don't know…
    [back at the hospital]
    Dr. Doctor:Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an- and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
    Chef:What do you want me to do?
    Dr. Doctor:Do you know anything about surgery?
    Chef:I used to watch Quincy.
    Dr. Doctor:What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives.
    Stan:No way, dude!
    [America's Most Wanted studio, in the dark, the fifth night]
    Jimbo:[opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him] Well [opens his right eye], we're not going anywhere for a loong time.
    Greenfield:We're snowed in?
    Mayor:Yes. We're trapped!
    Garrison:[snuggling up to Greenfield] Like sailors on a submarine.
    Mayor:My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.
    Assistant:Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast.
    Barbrady:Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [rubs his belly]
    Jimbo:I hope you all realize what we might be facing here. [all are attentive] Our only option might be to… eat each other to stay alive. [Gasps are heard all around]
    Greenfield:Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?
    Jimbo:That's a lot of lead, Mr. Director. I don't eat pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
    Mayor:Buut, how do we decide "who"?
    Jimbo:Well, we draw straws.
    Greenfield:Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?
    Jimbo:Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
    Greenfield:Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
    Announcer 1:Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it- Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar-
    [Same night, the hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the other end.]
    Dr. Doctor:Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. [Stan raises his brows] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. [he withdraws] Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?
    Stan:No.
    Dr. Doctor:Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart.
    Stan:[queasily] Oh boy. [the doctor slices the flesh vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and Stan removes his mask] Bluuch! [the vomit goes right into the open incision]
    Kyle:Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
    Cartman:Weak.
    Dr. Doctor:Suction! [Kenny places the suction cup over the incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup]
    Cartman:Hey, who's screwing with the lights?
    Announcer 1:Who is screwing with the lights? Is it- Barbrady? or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
    Cartman:[to Kenny] This is really starting to piss me off!
    [America's Most Wanted studio, nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws]
    Jimbo:Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing. [draws] Whew.
    Garrison:[draws] Whew.
    Barbrady:[sees that his straw is short and throws it away, behind himself] Wooo!
    Jimbo:Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
    Barbrady:The short what?
    Jimbo:Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
    Barbrady:That's not how I played it!
    Garrison:Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
    [back at the hospital]
    Dr. Doctor:I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital.
    Chef:So how do we get to it?
    Dr. Doctor:We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist- of Kenny. [stunned. The doctor pats his head] Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct [points it out to him on the map] Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here [points to it] where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climh to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here [points to an area between the holding area and the generator]. Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
    Cartman:Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
    Dr. Doctor:Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
    Kenny:(Huh?)
    [the studio]
    Garrison:I… can't… go on… eh. So… hungry…
    Mayor:We're all going to die in this horrible place [covers her eyes]
    Jimbo:We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
    Greenfield:How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
    Jimbo:There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown squatting on the floor]
    Mayor:[thoughtfully] Yes, uh-of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
    Garrison:[madly] Eat Eric Roberts! [the rest of the group goes mad and prepares to do him in]
    Eric RobertsNo! No, please!
    [Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed, and bees hover around the corpse]
    Mayor:Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep eating] We're cannibals [someone burps] God save us.
    Jimbo:God wants you to live, Mayor. Thanks! [presumably, to God]
    Assistant[Coolly] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.
    Greenfield:[miffed] Aaww.
    Garrison:This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it.
    Jimbo:What time is it, Barbrady?
    Barbrady:It's almost midnight.
    Garrison:Oh! I can't… go on. [drops to his side]
    Jimbo:We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again.
    Greenfield:What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
    [the hospital. Kenny has made it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He turns on his communicator]
    Dr. Doctor:Team B? Come in, Team B.
    Kenny:(This is Team B.)
    Dr. Doctor:Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it. So you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
    Kenny:(Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)
    Dr. Doctor:Oh. Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B. You should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left.
    Kenny:(Yup! I see it in the drift)
    Dr. Doctor:Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
    Cartman:What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?
    [Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts its shadow on both of them]
    [The studio. Ned, Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs]
    Mayor:My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
    Jimbo:It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those. Or who.
    Announcer 1:Who built the pyramids? Was it- the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
    [The generator. Kenny has opened the door and is ready for new orders.]
    Kenny:(Okay, I've reached the generator)
    Dr. Doctor:Roger, Team B. [to the rest of Team A] He's reached the backup generator. [to Kenny] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
    Kenny:(Roger.)
    Dr. Doctor:Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?
    Kenny:(Negative.)
    Dr. Doctor:Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.
    Kyle:D'you have any wire here?
    Dr. Doctor:There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!
    Kenny:(I'll stick 'em together)
    Dr. Doctor:No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.
    Kyle:No, he'll die!!
    Cartman:Go, Kenny!
    Dr. Doctor:Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
    Kenny:(Good-bbyyyyee-ugh.)
    Stan:Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
    Kyle:You bastard! [the lights stabilize]
    Chef:The power! [Kenny's sacrificial act has worked!]
    Dr. Doctor:Quickly! Get the scanner running again! [the scanner is brought in] We've got a chance now!
    [The fifth day, the White House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed with him now.]
    Clinton:Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.
    Liane:[relieved and joyful] Oh, thank you, thank you.
    Clinton:We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her eyes widen]
    Liane:[pulls back] Terminated?
    Clinton:Why yes, that's what an abortion is.
    Liane:Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?
    Clinton:Adoption?
    Liane:Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.
    Clinton:Well, that's- pretty different.
    Liane:Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President. [quickly leaves the bed]
    [The fifth day. Colorado sunrise]
    Dr. Doctor:Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.
    Mephesto:[just now coming to] Where… where am I?
    Chef:You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Noww, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but-
    Mephesto:Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.
    Chef:Ooohhh.
    Dr. Doctor:Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.
    Chef:He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
    [Outside, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.]
    Stan:He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.
    Kyle:He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.
    Cartman:Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop. [Kenny is shown iced over, and the boys simply stare]
    Stan:[to Kyle] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?
    Kyle:I don't know. Let's find out.
    ["Ave Maria" begins to play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Garrison follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then…]
    Garrison:Ohh. It's over! We're free!
    Barbrady:Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
    Jimbo:Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.
    Mayor:But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
    Ned:Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.
    Singer:[A la Aaron Neville] Ave Maria… [the camera pulls back, and back…]
    Garrison:Well I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag-does anybody else want some?
    [the hospital. Mephesto is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos]
    Mephesto:I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life-
    Cartman:Just tell us already!
    Mephesto:Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is… Say, did anbody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing-
    Cartman:[boiling] Dammit!! Tell me who my father is already!!
    Mephesto:Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is… Mrs. Cartman. [all gasp]
    Chef:What???
    Liane:[back with her cookies] Yes, it's true.
    Garrison:Noo, that doesn't make sense!
    Mephesto:Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [she looks guilty]
    Garrison:Uh-meaning what?
    Mephesto:Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
    Liane:It's true.
    Chef:You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!
    Mephesto:No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis. [Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is shocked] The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.
    Cartman:Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.
    Stan:Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!
    Liane:I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. [Eric and Stan look up at her] I just thought, mmaybe it would be a little shocking to you.
    Cartman:Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!
    Mephesto:Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
    Cartman:No no, wait a minute! If… if she's my dad, then… who's my mom?!
    Announcer 1:Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it- Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
    Cartman:Ooohhh, forget it!! [Stan moves off]
    [End of Cartman's Mom is (Still) a Dirty Slut]