The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Santa

Also known as "Spirit of Christmas"

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Jesus
Santa
Brian Boitano
Cameo: Wendy (girl on Santa's lap)

Originally transcribed by Paul Swanson (pswanson@uiuc.edu)


South
Park
[Music. Scene: Snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right]
Kids:We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
Stan:Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle:What?
Stan:Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle:Yeah, I think so.
Stan:[voice rising] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!
Kyle: What?
Stan:You're sposed to sing Hanukkah songs!
Kyle:Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of clay, [Stan starts to smile]
Dreidel dreidel dreidel--
Stan: That's a stupid song.
Cartman:Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle:Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman:Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle:Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Cartman:Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' sonofabitch! [Jesus floats down from the sky.]
Kyle:What the-? [Kenny mumbles and zips up his hood]
Jesus:Behold my glory.
Stan:Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman:What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus:I come seeking...retribution.
Stan[gasps] He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle:Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me.
Jesus:Nay, fear not. I love All My Children.
Kyle:Whew.
Jesus:Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right.
Stan:Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude.
Jesus:I must find a place called "The Mall".
Kyle:Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan:Yeah! It's over this way. [Kyle and Kenny exit. Stan starts to walk.]
Cartman:[at Kyle] Eugh! Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker.
Stan: Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus. [moves in front of Cartman and leaves.]
Cartman: Eh, fuck you. [Pauses awhile, then exits]
[South Park main street. Music: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.]
Stan:Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus:[points] Him!
VISIT SANTA!
Santa:Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus.
Jesus:You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!
Santa:I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus:Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa:Christmas is for giving!
Jesus:I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
Santa:This time we finish it. [stands, flipping a small girl off his lap] There can be only one! [cocks his head to the right]
Stan:Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
[Jesus and Santa begin fighting. Jesus pins Santa, but Santa throws Jesus off]
Kids:Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus!
[Jesus and Santa fight some more, Mortal Kombat style.]
Jesus:Chung kwang do! [a fireball baloons between his hands, then sails towards Santa]
Santa:Wha...? [he moves aside. The fireball hits Santa's post and the post falls over, killing three kids.]
Santa:Yoktuki! [throws two blue items, but...]
Jesus:Whoa! [turns right so that they miss him. One of them heads straight for Kenny]
Kenny:[in a muffled voice] (Oh, no!) [His head screams as it heads toward a statue and knocks it over, killing three more.]
Kyle:Oh my god! They killed Kenny! [the body falls over]
Santa:Come on, you son of a bitch!
Jesus:Come on! Come on!
Santa:Come on!
Jesus:[turns to look at the boys] Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa:[turns to look at the boys] No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him.
Jesus:God is watching you, boys. You know who to help.
Santa:Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus:I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan:I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman:I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle:Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman:Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew.
Kyle:You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go god DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK.
Cartman:Oh yeah? Well, at least I'm not a p---! [Arguments ensue.]
Kyle:Shut up!
[Jesus and Santa continue to wrestle while the kids cheer them on and snipe at each other]
Santa:[to Jesus] Buttfuckin...
Kyle:I'm not the buttfucker, Cartman, YOU'RE the buttfucker...
Santa:[to Jesus] FUCK YOU!
Stan:Wait, wait, wait just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman:Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do? [Brian Boitano skates into view amid a fanfare.]
Brian:Did someone say my name?
Cartman:Brian Boitano!
Kyle:What incredible irony!
Cartman:Yeah, it's Brian Boitano!
Brian:What's going on, kids?
Stan:Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?
Brian:Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bye-eee!
Kyle:[softly, after Brian says 'season'] Yeah. [Brian skates away.]
Santa:C'mon, lumberboy!
Jesus:You fuckin' pussy!
Santa:C'mere!
Jesus:C'mere! Come on!
Stan:Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy.
Kyle:Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist!
Santa:You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus.
Jesus:No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle.
Santa:Thank you boys.
Jesus:Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie.
Santa:oooo!
Stan:Whew. That sucked.
Kyle:Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
Stan:Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:
Cartman:Yeah, ham.
Stan:[angrily] No not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman:Fuck you!
Stan:...Christmas is about something much more important!
Kyle:What?
Stan:[voice softens] Presents.
Kyle:[softly] Ah.
Stan:Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle:Yeah.
Stan:Presents.
Kyle:Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan:Wow, really? Count me in.
Cartman:Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.
Kids:[leaving]

Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!

[Sign: "El Fin". Animals feed on Kenny's remains, then run off. Blackout.]