South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut

by
Trey Parker
Matt Stone
&
Pam Brady

Eighth Draft
January 21, 1999

Originally presented to the fans by the guys at Beef Cake, this transcription has corrected the various spelling errors except for Sheila Broflovski's name. Her last name is meant to be mispelled, as no one spelling can be said to be the right one. It has also been formatted to comply with my writing style.

Posted in South Park Studios by: Zigmanx001 @ 04-19-2001 10:05

I accualy sent that to Elvis. What happend is I won it on ebay from someone, and it came in a binder, like 200 pages of text. Later I found the same copy on the computer so I sent it to Elvis and he posted it. It is real. It was dated sometime in Jaunary 1999.

-Al LeVine
www.mybush.org

Intro:	[FADE IN: Very happy Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in. PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky to a small quaint town nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South Park. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE — DAY Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as they walk by. It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off from, the opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast.' A little eight year old boy walks happily down the street. He is STAN MARSH, a noble-looking boy with piercing blue eyes and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song]
Stan:	I'm going to the movies to see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movie. Everything's gonna be alright! Forget all my troubles, put my own life on hold, Let a studio tell me how I should view the world Where everything works out, I love it that way. I'm going to the movies, the movies today! [merrily walks up to a crappy-looking house]
	[INT. BEDROOM — MORNING We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes off. BRRRRRTTT!!!]
Radio Announcer:	Good morning, South Park! It's five-thirty a..m on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses and water the cows!! [From the back we see the blond-haired kid sit up from his bed. He stretches and then walks over to his closet. We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his closet and pulls out an orange coat. The kid puts the coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face.]
Mother:	[O.S.] KENNY! YO'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!! [This boy's name is KENNY, and under his orange coat we have no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and hazel eyes.]
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm!
	[INT. KENNY'S HOUSE — KITCHEN Kenny walks through his small, dirty house and into the kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER, and OLDER BROTHER are sitting at the humble table]
Kenny's Mother:	Sit down. You can share some of your brother's waffle. [The doorbell rings. Kenny walks over to the door.]
	[INT. KENNY'S HOUSE — DAY Kenny opens the door to find Stan]
Stan:	Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is out. You wanna come?! [shows him a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the new Terrance and Phillip movie, 'Asses of Fire.' Kenny's eyes light up.]
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm, rmph [walks away with Stan. His mother comes out after him]!
Kenny's Mother:	Kenny! Where're you going?
Kenny:	Mph mprh mprh rm!
Kenny's Mother:	What do you mean you don't want to go to church?
Kenny:	Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph. [he and Stan walk down the street]
Kenny's Mother:	Well fine, Go ahead and miss church!! And then, when you die and go to hell, you can ANSWER TO SATAN!! [Dramatic MUSIC STING. Kenny stops, thinks for a minute… and then walks off with Stan anyway.]
	[EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE — DAY Stan and Kenny now both happily march down the street to the happy beat. TOM, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his Rhinoplasty office.]
Tom:	Say, where are you boys going?
Stan:	We're going to the movies to see the brighter side of life! Where everyone is beautiful and have their hair combed just right!
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm rmph rm! Mph rm rmph rm! Mprh rm rmph rm rm rmph rm rmph rm rmph!
Tom:	Have fun, you rascals!
	[EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE — DAY Kenny and Stan knock at the door. A handsome eight year old Semite, KYLE, answers the door.]
Kyle:	Hey, dudes… Aren't you supposed to go to church, Kenny?
Stan:	Kyle, check it out. [Kenny holds up the newspaper clipping.]
Kyle:	OH MY GOD, DUDE!!! [slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then, Kyle's little brother, IKE, a two year old adopted Canadian boy bounces up next to him] No, Ike! You can't come with me!
Kyle's Mother:	[a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells] Kyle, you take your little brother out to play with you!
Kyle:	Aw, ma!!
Kyle's Mother:	Do as I say, Kyle! [closes the door]
Kyle:	Damn it!!
	[EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE — DAY Now the three boys, and little Ike, merrily strut down the street and sing in unison.]
Boys:	We're going to the movies to see the better side of life! Where something interesting happens every day and night!
Kyle:	In movies we can pretend that love is real and good always wins—
Stan:	We can even make believe marriages last! [a HOMELESS GUY is lying in the alley]
Homeless Guy:	Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar? [Stan walks by and throws a dollar at him. He suddenly jumps up] I'm going to the movies to see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movies. Everything's gonna be alright! Forget my troubles, put my own life on hold, Let a studio tell me how to view the world!
Kyle:	Let's go get fatass!
	[EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE — DAY This house looks just like all the others INT. THAT SAME HOUSE CLOSE UP on a bag that reads, 'CHEESY POOFS.' A hand reaches into the bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises them — BOOM UP to reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN, who chows down on the chips. Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television. The doorbell rings. Cartman doesn't move a muscle]
Announcer:	This program is brought to you by Snacky S'mores, the creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch. [the doorbell rings]
Cartman:	MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR! [CARTMAN'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque (except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.]
Cartman's Mother:	Look, Eric, it's your little friends.
Cartman:	What are you guys doing here?
Ike:	Baba turtre bad! [Kyle holds up the newspaper ad]
Cartman:	Ooh!
	[EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Now all four boys are merrily walking down the the street and singing.]
Boys:	We're going to the movies to see the better side of life
Cartman:	Maybe there'll be pirates! Or a whole city burnin'! Maybe we'll see a monster, or better yet, Una Thurman!
Boys:	We're going to the movies! Everything's gonna be okay! [the boys skip out of frame]
	[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE — DAY The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South Park buildings. The boys walk up to the geeky teenage TICKET GUY.]
Boys:	Going to the movies! The movies today!!!!!
Stan:	Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire, please?
Ticket Guy:	No. [Suddenly, all the happy music that had permeated the film comes to an ABRUPT HALT. The boys look confused.]
Kyle:	What'dya mean, "No"?
Ticket Guy:	Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire is rated R. You kids can't get in. [the boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence]
Cartman:	The hell we can't! My money is just as good as any white person's!
Ticket Guy:	You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
Kyle:	But why?
Ticket Guy:	Because this movie has naughty language, and it might make you kids start using bad words.
Cartman:	Listen, you son of a bitch: if you don't let us in to see this movie, I'm gonna kick you square in the nuts.
Ticket Guy:	Sorry, Charlie.
Kyle:	Damn it!!
Ticket Guy:	Next, please? [A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step aside.]
Stan:	This is terrible! This can't be happening!!
Kyle:	We HAVE to see this movie, dude!
Cartman:	Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.
Kyle:	Cartman! What are you talking about?! You LOVE Terrance and Phillip!
Cartman:	Yeah, but the animation's all crappy — it probably can't sustain itself over ninety minutes.
Ike:	Poo baba!
Stan:	Wait, I've got an idea!
	[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE — A LITTLE LATER The old Homeless Guy from the intro song walks up to the Ticket Guy with the boys.]
Homeless Guy:	Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire.
Ticket Guy:	You realize this movie is rated R? This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.
Homeless Guy:	Oh. [turning to boys] Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you.
Ticket Guy:	[whispering] Look, Homeless Guy: If you don't want to buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten bucks, and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of vodka, and not forget about how miserable your life is, and not stop the voices in your head, then be my guest!
Homeless Guy:	Five tickets, please. [the Ticket Guy suspiciously hands them over]
	[INT. MOVIE THEATRE — DAY The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink]
Ike:	Purpre mama!
Kyle:	Be quiet, Ike! The movie's starting!
	[ANGLE — MOVIE SCREEN A title reads 'Terrance and Phillip — Asses of Fire']
Boys:	Hooray!!! [on the screen we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome Canadian star with a great body]
Phillip:	Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Uranian gynecologist? [PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also Canadian, and equally handsome in a more rugged way.]
Terrance:	I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip rips a big fart. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.]
	[ANGLE — BOYS Laughing their asses off.]
Kyle:	That was sweet!
Stan:	Where do they come up with this stuff?!
Cartman:	How come Terrance and Phillip are so weird looking?
Kyle:	Cuz, dummy, they're Canandian, just like Ike?
Cartman:	Oh.
Ike:	Poo bada!
	[ANGLE — SCREEN]
Terrance:	You're such a pigfucker, Phillip!
Phillip:	What?! Why would you call me a pigfucker?!
Terrance:	Well, let's see… First of all, you fuck pigs.
Phillip:	[thinks] Oh yeah! [Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily]
	[ANGLE — BOYS]
Kyle:	Whoa, dude! Did they say what I think they said?
	[ANGLE — SCREEN Terrance pulls out a white envelope.]
Terrance:	Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! I just got a letter!
Phillip:	A letter from who, you shit-sucking cockmaster! [TRACK IN on the boys' wide-eyed faces as the dialogue from the film enters their innocent ears.]
Terrance:	It's from your mother.
Phillip:	My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it say?
Terrance:	It says, 'Dear Terrance, please don't ever tell my son that I licked your hairy balls.' [Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.]
Phillip:	Oh, you fucking ball whore! [Theh boys don't laugh, they just smile widely. They seem busy taking it all in.]
Cartman:	Wow… Ball whore…
Terrance:	Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater,—
Kyle:	[to himself] "Donkey-raping shiteater."
Ike:	"Doky maping she deeder!!! "
Terrance:	—you'd fuck your uncle!
Phillip:	YOU'D fuck your uncle!
Terrance:	Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!! You're an asslicking ballsucking uncle fucka!! You're an uncle fucka; yes, it's true! Nobody fucks uncles quite like you!
Phillip:	Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!!! You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka!!! You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn; You just fuck your uncle all day long!
Terrance & Phillip:	Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! You butt-licking bastard, uncle fucka!
Terrance:	You're an uncle fucka, I must say.
Phillip:	You fucked YOUR uncle yesterday!
Terrance & Phillip:	Uncle fucka! That's YOUUUUUUU!!!!! [the song ends and the boys erupt into applause.]
	[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE — DAY The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide smiles.]
Kyle:	Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman:	You bet your fucking ass it was!
Stan:	Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
Ticket Guy:	Hey, wait a minute… Where's your guardian?!
Stan:	Huh?
Ticket Guy:	I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?! [the boys think a second]
Cartman:	Suck my balls!
Kyle:	Yeah! [singing] Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!!
Ticket Guy:	Oh oh. I'm in trouble.
Boys:	[singing, fadingn off] You're an ass-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka!!
	[EXT. STARK'S POND — DAY All the children of South Park are gathered at the pond for ice-skating. The scenen is reminiscent of the skating scene from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Delicate snowflakes fall, children laugh and skate, and joyous music plays. The boys walk up to the pond]
Clyde:	Hey, where have you guys been all day?
Stan:	Oh, nowhere… We just went to go see the TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE! [All the kids gasp! Dramatic MUSIC STING.]
Bebe:	You saw it?
Clyde:	How'd you get in?! [Suddenly, all the kids are gathered around the boys. They're like celebrities.]
Cartman:	Hey! Stop crowding us, you shitfaced cockmasters! [All the kids stop, wide-eyed. As if they've just heard the voice of God.]
Kids:	Wowwww…
Stan:	Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers.
Kids:	Ooooohhh!!!
Clyde:	[to another kid] We HAVE to see this movie, dude. [the other kids nod]
Cartman:	Hey, Stan. Tell 'em about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal wart. Stan? Stan? [But Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating gracefully, is little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER. The heavens part, a CHOIR OF ANGELS sings, as Wendy skates around and around, performing a series of impossible triple Lutzses, Salchows, and what-have-you-nots. All the animals of the forest — deer, birds, bunnies — all stop to admire her. Stan's smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what he's looking at.]
Stan:	Thank my lucky stars. Here before me now Is everything I'd ever hoped for. Knew it in a word, saw it in a glance The only thing I think I'd die for…
Kyle:	Aw, God damn it, he's singing that fucking song again!
	[ANGLE — WENDY Spinning and soaring in slow-mo. Effortlessly covering every inch of the pond with her ballet maneuvers. Stan is slack-jawed.]
Stan:	I can't stop now. My heart's awake. I pray her arms my arms to take So this is why I'm ali- [Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant Hamill-camel, landing right in front of Stan and spraying ice on his face and abruptly ending his song.]
Wendy:	Hi, Stan! [he vomits profusely all over himself] Ew! Gross! [Just then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan's face. His name is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight year old boy, with golden hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He speaks with a rich English accent.]
Gregory:	Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.
Stan:	[looks at Gregory] Who are you, kid?!
Gregory:	My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy's counter-cousin for some time.
Wendy:	Want to skate with us?
Gregory:	We've been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past. [skates away]
Stan:	[looks stunned, and finally tries to get Wendy's attention] We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Wendy:	[sadly] That's nice, Stan. [skates after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected]
Kyle:	Whoa, dude. Who's your girlfriend's new guy?
Stan:	She's not my girlfriend, dude! [the schoolkids are all still gathered around Cartman]
Cartman:	Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me? I said, "Who wants to touch me?!"
Small Boy :	[steps forward and tentatively touches Cartman's arm] Oooooh.
	[EXT. SOUTH PARK — TOWN — MORNING Establishng shot of the little town of South Park, which consists of four buildings. The sun rises in the background. It's a brand new day. EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY — DAY The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two mountain peaks. INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY — DAY The kids of South Park are all in their seats.]
Kids:	Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!! You're a shitsucking cocksucking uncle fucka!! [the door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down. CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to be speaking]
Mr. Hat:	Okay, children, let's take our seats. [as the voice continues we PULL BAACK to reveal that the puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality] We have a lot to learn, and precious little time. [Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt, except, of course, for Wendy.]
Mr. Garrison:	Why is eveyone wearing T-shirts of Sigfried and Roy?
Kyle:	It's not Sigfried and Roy, Mr. Garrison, it's Terrance and Phillip.
Kids:	TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!! [Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan sulks]
Mr. Garrison:	Well, anyway… Today, children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the environment.
Mr. Hat:	That's right, Mr. Garrison. The environment is what surrounds us. It is what we live and breathe.
Cartman:	I hate the environment!
Kyle:	Dude, how can you hate the environment?
Cartman:	'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and fragile and stuff. I fucking hate it. [the kids all GASP!]
Mr. Garrison:	Eric! Did you just say the F-word??
Cartman:	…Fragile?
Kyle:	No, he's talkin' about "fuck," dude. You can't say "fuck" in front of Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison:	Kyle!
Cartman:	Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison:	Eric!
Stan:	Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison:	Stanley!
Kenny:	Mph.
Mr. Garrison:	Kenny!
Cartman:	That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip can say something, I should be able to say it too!
Bebe:	Wow, Cartman's cool!
Clyde:	He's like Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman:	[gloats proudly] Fuckin' A right.
Mr. Garrison:	How would you like to go to the principal's office?
Cartman:	How would you like to gargle rat jiz?
Mr. Garrison:	[in shock] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Cartman:	I said - [takes out a megaphone, hits the switch, and puts it to his mouth. It feeds back horribly] HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?! [Garrison is floored]
Kyle:	Oh, dude, we are fucked now.
	[INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE — DAY The boys are seated in front of the principal's desk]
Stan:	Now remember, don't tell anyone we saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Kyle:	Yeah, let's swear we won't tell! [Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA, a frizzy haired woman of about forty.]
Principal Victoria:	I am VERY disappointed in you boys! You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I've already called in your parents, but first I want you to THINK about what you've done!
Cartman:	Principal Victoria, can I ask a question?
Principal Victoria:	What?
Cartman:	What's the big fucking deal?
Stan:	Yeah.
Principal Victoria:	AGH!! I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities!
Stan:	Nowhere.
Kyle:	I've heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before…
Stan:	Yeah!
Principal Victoria:	Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said, [reading] "Eat penguin shit, you cum-sucking ass-spelunker" in school! [The boys all laugh. But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother, Kyle's mother, Cartman's mother, and Kenn's mother]
Stan:	Oh oh…
Principal Victoria:	Thank you all for coming on such short notice. As you can see, your boys are all being disciplined.
Stan's Mother:	This just isn't like you, Stanley!
Kyle's Mother:	What did my son say Principal Victoria? Did he say the S-word?
Principal Victoria:	No, it was worse than that…
Kyle's Mother:	[gasping] The F-word?
Principal Victoria:	No, worse. Here's a short list of the things they've been saying. [The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their eyes bulge.]
Stan's Mother:	Oh dear God…
Kyle's Mother:	What is 'fisting?'
Cartman's Mother:	That's when the fist is inserted into the anus or vagina for sexual plessure. [the two moms stare at Ms. Cartman.] What?
Kyle's Mother:	[to Kyle] Young man, you will tell Principal Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all these horrible phrases!
Kyle:	I can't, dude. We all took a sacred oath and swore ourselves to secrecy!
Cartman:	It was the Terrance and Phillip movie!
Stan:	Dude!
Cartman:	What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here.
Kyle's Mother:	Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt! Not again!
Principal Victoria:	What is "Terrance and Phillip?"
Kyle's Mother:	Terrance and Phillip are two VERY untalented, unfunny actors from Canada. Their TV show is filled with toilet humor and bad language and is just complete garbage. Now it appears they have a movie and I'm positive it's not suitable for children!
Principal Victoria:	Well, it looks like I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents. Ihave to put a stop to this before MORE children see 'Terrance and Phillip.'
Cartman:	Everybody's already fucking seen it.
Cartman's Mother:	Eric!
Cartman:	I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
Kyle's Mother:	Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and let us adults speak.[the boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother slams the door behind them] We must take action on this immediately.
Principal Victoria:	Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give detention to those boys.
Kyle's Mother:	Forgive me for saying so, Principal Victoria, but your methods are so… shall we say… soft? As head of the PTA I am exercising my right under Article 42 of the PTA code. [a look of shock comes over the principal's face.]
Principal Victoria:	Article 42! You don't mean-?!
Kyle's Mother:	Yes, Principal Victoria. The PTA is impeaching you.
Principal Victoria:	But I-
Kyle's Mother:	You are officially relieved of your duties as principal of this school! Get out of that chair! The PTA is in charge now! [sits herself down at Principal Victoria's desk]
	[INT. CAFETERIA — DAY The other schoolkids are in line for lunch. Just then, Kyle's mother's voice comes blaring through the P.A.]
Kyle's Mother:	Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN SCHOOL. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home IMMEDIATELY. [the kids look down. They're all wearing Terrance and Phillip shirts.]
Kids:	Hooray!!! [the kids cheer and run out the door, leaving the cafeteria absolutely empty… except for Wendy.]
Wendy:	Hello? [her voice echoes throughout the entire building.]
	[INT. TELEVISION SET a dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk]
News Anchor:	All over America, kids are flocking to the R-rated film, 'Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire.' Here with a special report is a quadriplegic midget in a bikini.
	[INT. SPELLING BEE — DAY A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the camera with a microphone.]
Q. Midget w/Bikini:	Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. [a TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee contestant.]
Teacher:	Alright, this is for the silver medal: spell "forensics."
Kid:	Oh, fuck that! Why should I fucking have to spell "forensics"? [all the kids cheer ] Here you go. S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S, "FORENSICS."
	[CUT TO: EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY — DAY A Happy Birthday party is going on in some kid's backyard. A clown is entertaining everyone]
Clown:	Hey, kids, how would you like to see some magic tricks?!
Kids:	FUCK YOU!!
Clown:	[looks startled] Huh?
Child:	Yeah, and fuck your stupid litle red nose.
Child 2:	Yeah, and fuck your yellow hair. Andn fuck your gay pants.
	[PAN OVER to again find the midget reporter. He now has a graphic of a record chart next to him]
Q. Midget w/Bikini:	And the devastating impact of the Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and Phillip's new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka" which has climbed the charts with a bullet —
	[We see a clip from the video "Uncle Fucka." The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed like Mase and Puffy in that video they did in Vegas. They wear shiny bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of a camera.]
Terrance & Phillip:	[singing] Shut your fucking face! Uncle fucka!!
	[INT. NEWSROOM — DAY The news anchor shakes his head in disgust]
News Anchor:	Thanks, Midget. Shocking report. The controversy surrounding the Terrance and Phillip movie began in the small mountain town of South Park, Colorado, where the local PTA banned the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Brofloski [a screen appears with Kyle's mother, looking very pissed. The TITLE below her reads, 'Outraged Mother.'] Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing this film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or is it Canada?
Kyle's Mother:	Canada!
News Anchor:	Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the Canadian Minister of Movies. [A split screen appears: Kyle's mother on one side, and a goofy looking Canadian slides into the other] Thank you, Minister, for joining us.
Canadian Minister of Movies:	Thanks for having me, buddy.
News Anchor:	Minister, parents all over America are concerned about your country's entertainment. Your thoughts?
Canadian Minister of Movies:	Well, the film is R-rated, and it's not intended for children—
Kyle's Mother:	Oh, but OF COURSE children are going to see it!!
Canadian Minister of Movies:	Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? …The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage-
Kyle's Mother:	YOU JUST DON'T CARE!
Canadian Minister of Movies:	Can I finish? Hello? Can I-can I finish? …The United States has graphic images of violence on television all the time. What is that one show? COPS? And car crashes caught on tape? We can't believe that a movie with some foul language and fart jokes would piss you off so much.
Kyle's Mother:	BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!
Canadian Minister of Movies:	Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? …Uh …Okay, I'm finished.
News Anchor:	But Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams a few decades ago.
Canadian Minister of Movies:	[thinks] What?
Kyle's Mother:	The Canadians are just mad that we mothers here in South Park have the chutzpah to stand up to them! Like it or not, Mr. Canadian Minister, OUR children are now safe from your Canadian smut!
	[INT. MOVIE THEATRE — DAY The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching the Terrance and Phillip movie.]
Terrance:	Well, Phillip, I hope you learned something from this whole experience.
Phillip:	I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dick-fart fuckface. [The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks bored.]
Terrance:	Say, Phillip, want to see the Northern Lights?
Phillip:	You bet, Terrance! [Terrance pulls out a match, lights it, then farts. The flame burns Terrance into a blackened mass] HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by lighting the fart! HA HA HA!!
Terrance:	[just a skull] I sure did, Phillip!! [the boys laugh hysterically]
Stan:	Did you see that, Wendy?
Wendy:	Yup.
	[EXT. THEATRE — DAY The boys walk out merrily]
Kyle:	Man, that movie gets better every time I see it!
Cartman:	Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny:	Mph rmpmh rm.
Cartman:	No way.
Stan:	Didn't you think it was funny, Wendy?
Wendy:	Stan… I think you and I need some time apart.
Stan:	WHAT?!
Cartman:	Oh shit.
Wendy:	It's just… It's obvious that we don't have a whole lot in common anymore. I need somebody who's… a little deeper.
Stan:	But Wendy, I can go-
Wendy:	[places her little gloved hand over Stan's mouth] No. Don't speak. You'll only make things more annoying. Goodbye, Stan. [And just like that, Wendy is gone. Stan looks almost ready to cry.]
Kyle:	Dude, anyone who doesn't think Terrance and Phillip is funny can fuck off anyways.
Stan:	[insincere] Yeah… [the boys walk off]
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm!!.
Cartman:	No you can't, Kenny!
Kenny:	Mph rm rmph!!.
Cartman:	Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a HUNDRED DOLLARS you can't light a fart on fire!
Kenny:	Mph rm! [he pulls out a book of matches, strikes a match, and holds it under his ass. After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame. Suddenly the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive] MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!! [runs around and finally falls to the ground, still burning]
Stan:	OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!
Kyle:	YOU BASTARD!!
Cartman:	Wow, I guess you CAN do that!
	[INT. HOSPITAL — LATER DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room, ER style.]
Nurse:	CBC chem kit, STAT!!
Doctor Gauche:	LOAD THAT IV WITH 70 CC'S OF SODIUM PENTATHOL!!
	[INT. OPERATING ROOM It's mid-operation]
Doctor Gauche:	Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum! [another nurse hands him a sucker tube. He immediately shoves it into Kenny's skull. It starts to slurp and burble.] Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus!
Nurse:	Right! [While Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny's lungs and torso, the nurse reaches into Kenny's mouth and pulls both his windpipe and esophagus out of his mouth, turning them inside out in the process. Off to the side, Stan, Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctors and nurses tangle themselves in knots with Kenny's innards.]
Doctor Gauche:	No! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!!
Nurse:	Watch his liver!!! [Kenny's liver POPS out of his torso and slides across the floor]
Assistant:	I'll get it!
Doctor Gauche:	We have precious little time left, people! We're going to lose him soon!! [suddenly, there is a long BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.]
Nurse:	Doctor, his heart's stopped!
Doctor Gauche:	Crack him. Let's get it out of there!!! [lifts Kenny's heart out of his body] We need to zap this, quick! [runs it over to the microwave oven and opens the door] Who's making a potato?
Doctor 2:	My bad, sir. I missed lunch.
Doctor Gauche:	Dammit! I'm NOT gonna lose this kid!!!!!!
	[INT. RECOVERY ROOM — LATER FADE UP from black. We're close on Kenny's face. His little eyes start to open. Dr. Gauche leans over him. Stan and Kyle are there.]
Doctor Gauche:	Kenny. Kenny, can you hear me?
Kenny:	[stirs, weakly] Mph rmph rm…
Doctor Gauche:	How are you feeling, son?
Kenny:	mph… rmph…
Doctor Gauche:	Great… Son, I have some bad news. We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about seven seconds to live.
Kenny:	Mrm?! [just then, Kenny's baked potato heart explodes, splattering gore all over the inside of the recovery room and on the outside of Dr. Gauche, Stan and Kyle]
Stan:	Oh my God! THEY killed Kenny!
Kyle:	You bastards!!
Doctor Gauche:	Dammit! It never gets any easier! Anybody got the score of that Broncos game?
	[INT. HOSPITAL — WAITING ROOM Kyle's mother is waiting with the rest of the parents. The nurse walks up to Kenny's parents with a sad expression]
Nurse:	I'm sorry…
Kenny's Mother:	[breaks down] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kenny's Dad:	You bastards!
Kyle's Mother:	I knew this would happen! Those bastard Canadians have now killed a child! Can't people see the damage that film is doing?!
Stan's Mother:	He was killed doing something he saw in the movie. It was Terance and Phillip… THEY killed Kenny!
Cartman's Mother:	You bastards!
Kyle's Mother:	This is it! The time for action is NOW!! [singing] Something must be done! This is like a spreading rash! They're pulling out our children's brains and filling them with trash! Can't you see what this is leading to? A world of smut and sex and poo! I believe the good fight has begun! Something must be done! [everyone gathers around Kyle's mother.]
Stan's Mother:	I agree! [singing] Something must be done! We must take action fast! My child used to say "please" and "thank you" Now he says "suck my ass!"
Cartman's Mother:	[singing] And my boy was the sweetest boy the world had ever known! Until those damn Canadians brought that filth into our home! I agree that there is now a battle to be won! We can't just stand here singing! Somethng must be done!
Kenny's Mother:	But what are we going to do against the media machine? It's so big and powerful!
Kyle's Mother:	Right! And we can use that same media machine to exploit OUR cause! We've got to let the whole world know what the Canadians did to our son!
Parents:	Yeah!!
Kyle's Mother:	COME ON! [the parents all head out the door]
	[INT. HOSPITAL — CONTINUOUS The doors to the hospital swing open, the parents march out into the street, singing in unison as they go.]
Parents:	[singing] Something must be done! Something's gotta give! This world has become a bitch in which we have no desire to live! [Cars come screeching to a halt as the parents sing in the middle of the road. People start honking their horns in frustration]
Kenny's Mother:	[singing] My son could have become a doctor or a lawyer, rich and true. Instead he burned up like a piggy on a bar-b-que.
Kyle's Mother:	[singing] We will fight for children's rights in memory of your son!
Parents:	[singing] We can't just stand here singing! Something must be done! [Cars are now smashing into each other and flying off the road to people's deaths, as the music number has taken over the intersection] We've pushed and pushed it to the edge, and now the time has come! Something's gotta change! It's time to buy a gun! We can't just stand here singing! No, we can't just stand here singing! No, we can't just stand here singing! Something must be done!!! [a few more cars careen off and explode into flames as if ending the song in a barrage of fireworks.]
	[INT. OPERATING ROOM The boys gather around Kenny's lifeless body.]
Cartman:	[dazed] I bet him he couldn't do it… I bet him a hundred dollars!
Kyle:	Come on Cartman. It's not your fault.
Cartman:	No, I know. I'm just fucking STOKED I don't have to pay him!
Kyle:	Oh. [the boys walk out, leaving Kenny's corpse behind. We can still hear the boys' voices as they exit.] I can't believe he's dead.
Cartman:	[o.s.] Yeah, I'm having total déjà vu right now. Like this has all happened before… [after they leave, PUSH IN to Kenny's dead body, which is left all alone on the operating table. The camera continues to ZOOM IN on Kenny's dead face… We pass into his thoughts… FLASH!!]
	[EXT. SPACE — Kenny's body is floating through a great void. A PEACEFUL SONG plays as he soars upwards to the heavens. * note — except for Kenny's little construction body this entire sequence should be doen in 3D CGI. Ahead of him Kenny can see a great white light. It appears warm and inviting. Now Kenny notices large beautiful breasts bobbing up and down in the heavens. He reaches out to touch them. Kenny blissfully floats upward toward the bright light and bobbing breasts. The music crescendos as Kenny gets almost close enough to the light to touch it. Just then, a huge electronic sign pops up: 'ACCESS DENIED.' Suddenly Kenny goes spiraling downward. The song changes to a MINISTRY type number as Kenny's surroundings start to become darker and more twisted. Kenny's hapless spirit enters a horrifying red tunnel filled with flames and heat.
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm! [burning souls SCREAM and CRY all around Kenny as his body plunges into what is now obviously the depths of hell. Kenny passes images of Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, hunger and diseae as he continues through the twisting tunnel. He then passes images of Jimy Stewart and Gandhi. All of whom are opportunely locked in hell for all eternity.]
	[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE — DAY The same ticket guy from before is at the ticket booth. The marquee still reads 'Terrance and Phillip' but a huge sticker has been placed over it that reads 'banned.' The boys stand underneath the marquee looking baffled.]
Stan:	How can they do this?
Kyle:	It isn't fair!
Cartman:	Well, Terrance and Phillip are on Conan O'Brien tonight; we could at least go watch that. [the boys hang their heads and walk away. The ticket guy suddenly hears a commotion. He sees a mob of angry mothers led by Kyle's mother]
Kyle's Mother:	THIS must be him, officer! This is the scum that sold R rated tickets to children!
Ticket Guy:	What?! Jesus Christ, I didn't mean to!
Officer Barbrady:	[slaps handcuffs on the freaked-out teen] You can explain downtown!
Ticket Guy:	[getting dragged away] Oh shit! Hey, it's not MY fault! You should arrest those pervert Canadians!
Kyle's Mother:	Oh we will, Mr. Scumbag… We will…
	[EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — NIGHT Establishing shot. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — NIGHT The boys are sitting on Cartman's couch watching TV. ANGLE — TELEVISION — THE CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW Conan comes backk from a commercial break. Sitting next to him is Ms. Brooke Shields]
Conan O'Brien:	Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip! [A few cheers as Terrance and Phillip walk out on stage. A few boos as well, and we see that the South Park mothers are in the audience holding 'Anti-Terrance and Phillip' signs. Terrance and Phillip walk out and sit next to Brooke Shields]
Phillip:	Hello, Conan!
Terrance:	Hello, Brooke Shields!
Conan O'Brien:	It's nice to have you you here in America.
Phillip:	Yeah, well, you being Canadian and all, we thought, 'What the hell?!'
Conan O'Brien:	So guys… I understand you have a comedy routine worked out for us.
Phillip:	We sure do, Conan. And here it is. Excuse me, Terrance.
Terrance:	Yes, Philip? [Phillip rips a fart that launches Terrance backwards and into the band]
Phillip:	Gotcha! [Terrance and Phillip laugh. Nobody in the audience laughs.]
	[ANGLE — BOYS They laught merrily. RESUME — THE CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW]
Terrance:	[returning to the sofa] Good one, Phillip! Cheers.
Phillip:	Cheers, Terrance. [Terrance extricates himself from the band. Conan is growing nervous. He looks out into the audience… Kyle's mother is sitting there, looking angry. Conan makes eye contact with her and then nods his head. Kyle's mother nods back.]
Conan O'Brien:	[nervous] So, guys, I need to ask you a serious question…
Phillip:	I just farted Terrance back into the stone age. [They both laugh hard.]
Brooke Shields:	[waits a beat, then belts out a fake laugh] I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
Terrance:	Nobody cares, Brooke Shields!
Conan O'Brien:	Terrance and Phillip… Who's idea was it to have a person lighting a fart on fire in your movie? Who is reponsible for that? [Terrance and Phillip exchange glances]
Terrance:	Phillip, I think our friend Conan has been workng too hard.
Conan O'Brien:	Say it! It was YOUR idea to have a person light a fart on fire in your movie!
Terrance & Phillip:	[together] It was our idea to have a person light a fart on fire in our movie.
	[ANGLE ON THE AUDIENCE Kyle's mother is among them, listening to all this.]
Kyle's Mother:	[into her lapel] That's it! Move, move, move!
	[ANGLE ON TERRANCE AND PHILLIP A battalion of Army guys appear, seize Terrance and Phillip, and arrest everyone in their group.]
Kyle's Mother:	Terrance and Phillip, you are under arrest for working in Americ without the proper documents! WE GOT YOU!
	[ANGLE — BOYS]
Kyle:	Dude, what the hell is going on?
	[RESUME — THE CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW]
Terrance:	Phillip, we've been tricked and ambushed by the Conan O'Brien show!!
Phillip:	[points] This little scrotum-sucker willfully deceived us! [pointing to Conan] You are a bad man!
Terrance:	And you call yourself a Canadian! [to Phillip] I told you we should have done Leno! [Conan O'Brien looks away, ashamed]
Kyle's Mother:	Don't listen to them, Mr. O'Brien. They're master manipulators. You did a good job.
Terrance:	You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. You… you laughed!
Conan O'Brien:	[grabs his head] What have I done? [grabs a gun and blows his head off, dousing Brooke Shields with blood.]
Brooke Shields:	AGAHGAHGGH!!!! Mondays at eight! AAAGHGH!!!! [Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.]
Kyle's Mother:	[cradles Conan's lifeless body] You see what your filth has caused!
Terrance:	US?! This is your mess, outraged mother!!
	[INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — NIGHT The boys are sitting on the couch in absolute shock.]
Stan:	Dude, our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip!
Kyle:	Our moms suck!
Cartman:	This could mean… Nomore Terrance and Phillip — EVER!
	[EXT. UNITED NATIONS — DAY Establishing shot. INT. UNITED NATIONS — GENERAL ASSEMBLY ROOM Lots of foreigners with their silly foriegn outfits sit at their stupid microphones with their ridiculous translation headsets — in the general assembly hall. Theh Canadian ambssador stands before them]
Canadian Ambassador:	As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. [a murmur goes through the crowd] We demand their release IMMEDIATELY!! As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip! Without them, we are doomed to recession! [The United Nations head bangs his gavel. Now Kyle's mother stands up. She is with a group of mothers all wearing M.A.C. T-shirts]
Kyle's Mother:	If I may? [everyone looks at her.] As president and founder of M.A.C., I would like to state-
United Nations head:	Excuse me, M.A.C.?
Kyle's Mother:	Yes, Mothers Against Canada.
United Nations head:	Kay.
Kyle's Mother:	I would like to state that Canada must learn to stop infiltrating our country with its graphic art! [cheers from the Americans]
Canadian Ambassador:	Last time I checked, America was a free country.
Kyle's Mother:	Look at this! [pulls Kenny's mother up by the head] This woman's child was KILLED by your country's humor! Look how upset she is! [Kenny's mom looks fine]
Canadian Ambassador:	We will continue to sell Terrance and Phillip videos to anyone retarded enough to buy it!!
Kyle's Mother:	Then you leave me no choice… I call for an EMBARGO on ALL Canadian Imports!!! [more cheers from the Americans. The Canadians look worried]
	[INT. SUPERMARKET — DAY The boys are in the checkout line at Bob's supermarket.]
Cartman:	What the hell do you mean I can't et Cheesy Poofs?
Bob:	Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian export. We can't carry them anymore.
Kyle:	Who the hell made up THAT law?!
Cartman:	You can't do this!! Have you ever HAD Cheesy Poofs? They're a taste sensation with a delightful cheddar crunch.
Bob:	There's nothing I can do. I can still sell you Cheese-o's.
Cartman:	FUCK Cheese-os and FUCK you! [storms out. The boys follow him.]
	[INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — DAY The boys walk into Cartman's house. Cartman slams the door behind him. The boys all walk toward the living room.]
Cartman:	Comem on, you guys… We have to THINK!
Stan:	About what?
Cartman:	About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This whole thing has gone too far!
Kyle:	I don't really think you need Cheesy Poofs, tubby- [The boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the living room and see that all four mothers are waiting for them, silently. Everyone just sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle's mother's face looks almost evil.]
Kyle's Mother:	Boys, we have to have a difficult discussion.
Kyle:	We already know what you did. We saw it on television.
Stan:	Yeah. How could you arrest Terrance and Phillip?
Stan's Mother:	Stanley, you're too young to understand what's good for you. That's why we mothers have taken charge.
Kyle:	But they fucking didn't do anything wrong!
Cartman:	Yeah! And what rim job expert went and outlawed Cheesy Poofs?!
Kyle's Mother:	What was that word, young man?!
Cartman's Mother:	Oh. he said rim job. It's when someone licks your ass for-
Kyle's Mother:	Ii know what it is!
Cartman:	[to his mother] Lick someone's ass?!
Kyle's Mother:	The Terrance and Phillip movie has obviously done irreparable damage to their brains. We have to put them in rehab right away.
Kyle:	What's that?
Kyle's Mother:	You boys need help. There are rehab centers that specialize in treating people with chronic addictions to bad language.
Stan's Mother:	There are?
Kyle's Mother:	[thinks for a second] Well, no, I guess not… But we will establish the first of its kind right here in South Park. All the children in town will have to attend and receive treatment from the school counselor, Mr. Mackey! Ooh, I just love when I get these sorts of ideas!
Cartman:	Why? So you can fuck up our life some more?
Cartman's Mother:	Eric! Don't talk to Ms. Brovlofski that way!
Cartman:	But Mom! I'm not fucking addicted to fucking bad language! I don't have a fucking problem!
	[INT. HELL — DAY Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy single shaft of light seems to follow him wherever he goes]
Kenny:	Mphrmo? [No answer… No nothing… Kenny continues on. Flames shoot up randomly from the ground, scaring the shit out of him.] MPHR!! MMLY MMT! [Suddenly, Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and louder. Kenny starts to run faster and faster. Now the clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins around. He is face to face with SATAN! Satan looks down at Kenny and shoots flames out his nose. Kenny's eyes bulge open] MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!!
Satan:	Fallen one… We have such sights to show you! [Kenny shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across the room like a serpent. In a millisecond he is right up in Kenny's face.] I am Satan. I am your God now.
Kenny:	MPH RM!!! [tries to run away, but Satan again changes form, flies across the room, and cuts Kenny off]
Satan:	Come with me. I will show you what delightful pain awaits. [two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to lead him away]
Kenny:	MMMMMPHPHP!!!! [just then SADDAM HUSSEIN shows up next to Satan]
Saddam Hussein:	Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcomem to hell, kid! Relax! Take a load off!!
Satan::	You remember… Saddam Hussein, don't you?!
Kenny:	MMMPPH!!!
	[EXT. REHAB CENTER — DAY Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building. INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle. There are anti-drug signs on the wall: "Crack is Whack," "Get High on Pottery," and "I Go From Zero to Bitch in .9 Seconds." MR.MACKEY, the wiry school counselor, leads the group. There's a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables behind them.]
Mr. Mackey:	M'kay, it's come to my attention that you boys have a potty-mouth problem, m'kay. Now, the sooner you recognize your problem, m'kay, the sooner we can get you back to your third grade homeroom where you belong.
Kyle:	But they're just words, Mr. Mackey. Our parents are over-reacting.
Bebe:	Yeah. Wendy's here, and she doesn't even like Terrance and Phillip. [Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her, but she doesn't even acknowledge him.]
Cartman:	[violently shaking in his seat] Ugh… You guys, seriously… I'm having Cheesy Poof withdrawal…
Mr. Mackey:	M'kay, kids from all over the state have been brought here because you all have the same problem. Uh, you man… let's start with you. [points at Gregory, the little British bastard from the lake.]
Gregory:	My name is Gregory… And I have a potty mouth.
Cartman:	You've got a stupid accent, too.
Mr. Mackey:	Eric, that is not appropriate.
Cartman:	What? Fuck French people. Fuck 'em in the ear.
Mr. Mackey:	M'kay, you see children? This is exactly what I'm talking about. We have to change the way you think.
Gregory:	How are you gonna do that?
Mr. Mackey:	[crosses over to a piano. He plays chords while speaking] There are times when you get suckered in By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, m'kay, But it's when you do these things too much [singing] That you've got to clear your head and must get back in touch… [plays the piano and sings] You can do it. It's all up to you, m'kay? With a method, there's nothing you can't do, today. You don't have to spend your life addicted to crack, Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for cash. As long as you follow this simple plan I'm fully convinced that it's easy, m'kay… [The kids are extremely disinterested, Mackey walks over to a chalkboard.] Step one: Think about fun Think about all that you'll miss addicted to this. Step two: Think it all through. Think, "How's this gonna change my life? What am I gonna miss?" Step three: Go and hug a tree. Hug anything that gets in your way. And step four: Just don't do it anymore — it's easy, m'kay! [gets the children in a circle holding hands.] Come on kids, sing along!
Kids:	[extremely half-assed] You can do it. It's all up to you, m'kay? With a method, there's nothing you can't do, today. We don't have to spend our lives addicted to crack, Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for cash.
Mr. Mackey:	As long as you follow my simple plan I'm fully convinced that it's easy, m'kay… [everyone starts dancing in a circle]
Kids:	Step one: Think about fun Think about all that you'll miss addicted to this. Step two: Think it all through. Think, "How's this gonna change my life? What am I gonna miss?" Step three: Go and hug a tree. Hug anything that gets in your way. And step four: Just don't do it anymore — it's easy, m'kay!
Mr. Mackey:	It's easy, m'kay?! [everyone falls down laughing]
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — LOUNGE Kyle's mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey rolling around on the floor laughing on a asecurity monitor]
Kyle's Mother:	What the hell do they think this is?! Summer camp?!
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER Kyle's mother walks in with a scowling look, interrupting the kids and Mr. Mackey, who are still laughing merrily. The other mothers are behind her.]
Kyle's Mother:	Mr. Mackey, what is going on?!
Mr. Mackey:	[stands up looking scared] Uh, we're just starting our program…
Kyle's Mother:	This is NOT a place for fun and games! This is rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!! We at MAC have a trial to go to! [the mothers walk away]
Mr. Mackey:	M'kay.
Cartman:	God damn it, your mom is a bitck, Kyle. [Kyle hangs his head]
	[EXT. SUPREME COURT — DAY A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All around him are protesters with signs that say "CANADA NO!" and "CAN'TADA!" Still others hold signs with Kenny on them.]
News Reporter:	Tom, I'm standing in front of the U.S. Supreme Court where the most important trial of the - day - is beginning. Thousands of people have shown up from all over the country to show their outrage and disgust at Canada. Joining me now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor little boy who was killed by the Canadians. [Kenny's mother steps into frame. She is wearing a shirt with Kenny's picture on it. Written on the T-shirt is 'Have you seen my son? No, you haven't. He's dead.'] Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the Canadians.
Kenny's Mother:	Yes, yes I do, Tom.
News Reporter:	Did you ever think you would see the day when thousands of people were wearing your son Kenny on T-shirts.
Kenny's Mother:	No I didn't. But if any of you wold like one, they're $14.95, available in blue or white.
News Reporter:	[thinks for a second, turns back to the camera] Well, we can only imagine the intenese, vehement trial that is going on inside.
	[INT. SUPREME COURT — DAY Terrance and Phillip are on the stand.]
Johnny Cochran:	Terrance and Phillip… You knowingly, with malice of forethought, were trying to destroy American culture. Yes or no? [Terrance rips a fart] YES OR NO?!
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch, huddled around a television. They laugh merrily.]
Stan:	Shh! Mr. Mackey's gonna hear us.
	[INT. SUPREME COURT — DAY]
Terrance:	The Americans are just showing their TRUE COLORS as smelly bastards.
Phillip:	Fight the power!
Terrance:	The young boy that died lit himself on fire. It was unfortunate, but how can they blame US?
Phillip:	Don't believe the hype!! [Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily]
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids all shout agreement.]
Kids:	[ad lib] Yeah! Woo hoo!
	[BACK TO COURTHOUSE. Terrance and Phillip continue laughing]
Terrance:	You cannot oppress us! We will continue to pursue our art! We know there are Americans out there who will help us!
Kyle's Mother:	[stands up from the prosecutor's table] Your 'ART' is shallow and immature! We Americans do NOT allow that for our children!!
Phillip:	Please. You teach your children that America is the land of the free. But it's all bullshit. You're one of the most conservative countries in the world!
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The children all listen, wide-eyed. INT. SUPREME COURT — DAY]
Terrance:	The problem is you don't allow your children to think for themselves. You try to raise them in a protective bubble, and then, when they finally get old enough, they realize they've been lied to, and they resent you or it.
Phillip:	Yeah. God, no wonder your country is so fucked up.
Kyle's Mother:	THAT IS ENOUGH!!
Terrance:	WAKE UP AMERICA! YOUR government censors YOU from the world.
Kyle's Mother:	NO THEY DON'T
Phillip:	YES THEY DO, AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! IN MARCH OF LAST YEAR, THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT— [BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. Suddenly, the screen goes blank. A sign that says 'PLEASE STAND BY' comes on.]
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The children all watch, wide-eyed.]
Kyle:	What happened?
Wendy:	The station CONVENIENTLY went blank.
	[INT. CANADIAN PRESS CONFERENCE — DAY The Canadian Prime Minister stands directly in front of the camera, looking right at us.]
Canadian Prime Minister:	ATTENTION AMERICA!! You have taken our national treasure Terrance and Phillip. We, in turn, have taken yours… The Smothers Brothers! [steps out of the way to reveal the Smothers Brothers tied up in chairs behind him.] I'll let you catch your breath… Now, release Terrance and Phillip, or else we will EXECUTE your beloved Smothers Brothers!!
Tommy Smothers:	Please listen to them!!
Dick Smothers:	They're not fucking around!!
Canadian Prime Minister:	We're not fucking around! This is not aboot deals. This is aboot dignity. This is aboot freedon… This is aboot respect. RETURN Terrance and Phillip NOW!!! [Another Canadian leans in and whispers in the Prime Minister's ear] Oh yeah… and FUCK YOU, AMERICA! [raises his middle finger, but it's all blurred and digitized]
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER]
Mr. Mackey:	Okay, kids, for today's rehabilitation activity, we're going to watch the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Stan:	What?!
Kyle:	Sweet!
Mr. Mackey:	Now, this is an EDITED version of the movie, which was put out by the MPAA. That's the Motion Picture Association of America.
Wendy:	Isn't that censorship?
Mr. Mackey:	No, the MPAA is NOT a censorship group.
Wendy:	Why not?
Mr. Mackey:	Uh… Because they sa so… M'kay. Now, I want you to watch this movie, with all the immature profanity taken out, and notice how much better a movie it becomes… [puts the tape in and hits 'play.' The TITLES come up 'Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire.' Except that 'Asses' has been blurred out and replaced with 'bunz.']
Kids:	HOORAY!!! [The movie begins. Phillip walks in. But it isn't Phillip's voice: somebody has dubbed him over.]
Dubbed Phillip:	Hey Terrance, I feel like I'm going to pas gas near your head.
Dubbed Terrance:	I would rather you didn't, Phillip.
Dubbed Phillip:	Oh? Is that so? [farts on Terrance]
Dubbed Terrance:	Oh, you are such a maroon!
Dubbed Phillip:	You would know, dummy. [the boys look confused]
Dubbed Terrance:	You are pigeon-like in your intelligence. [The pseudo-Terrance and Phillip laugh. Terrance throws a match on Phillip and Phillip burns to death. A TITLE comes up - THE END. And the credits roll]
Cartman:	WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
Kyle:	Dude, they cut out 92 minutes. [the lights in the theater come up.]
Mr. Mackey:	So you see, the point and the theme of the film is kept intact. And of course, the MPAA didn't cut out any of the graphic violence. What did you think?
Cartman:	Oh man, I'm gonna need a cherry pie to get the taste of ass out of my mouth from that piece of shit movie.
Mr. Mackey:	Eric, you're not watching your mouth!
Cartman:	You get me Cheesy Poofs with the delightful cheddar crunch, and I'll watch my fucking mouth!
Mr. Mackey:	Eric!!!! You need to be rehabilitated. Help me to help you!
Cartman:	Help yourself, prickfuck!
Mr. Mackey:	I am not a prickfuck, m'kay? You little asshole! [slaps his hand over his mouth and looks around, scared.]
Cartman:	Ha, ha, you stupid asshole prickfuck.
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SEPARATE ROOM Mr. Mackey is in a private office with the members of M.A.C.]
Kyle's Mother:	How is the children's progress?
Mr. Mackey:	Very encouraging. Most of the children have been weaned from their naughty mouths.
Kyle's Mother:	What do you mean MOST? Why not ALL?
Mr. Mackey:	[nervous] Well, some of the children just don't respond to 12-step programs.
Kyle's Mother:	Then we'll have to resort to Plan B and call the V-chip organization. [dramatic MUSIC STING.]
Mr. Mackey:	[looks afraid] Mrs. Brovlofski, the V-chip hasn't been fully tested yet. It could be dangerous.
Kyle's Mother:	[evil] I don't care if it's dangerous! Desperate times call for desperate measures, Mr. Mackey. Perhaps I need to remind you of your situation.
Mr. Mackey:	[nervous] Alright, I'll make the call…
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are again glued to the TV watching the trial of Terrance and Phillip. INT. SUPREME COURT — DAY Back in the courthouse, the jury walks in and sits down.]
Judge:	Madam foreman, have you reached a verdict?
Foreman:	We have, Your Honor.
Judge:	How find you, the jury?
Foreman:	We, the jury, find the defendants… Terrance and Phillip… GUILTY of being complete bastards. [The crowd goes wild. The mothers of M.A.C. stand and cheer.]
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids sit in shock]
Kyle:	Oh no!
	[INT. COURTROOM — DAY]
Terrance:	Oh oh, Phillip. You know what this means?
Phillip:	We'll be farting bread and water for a few years.
Judge:	[bangs her gavel] Terrance and Phillip, for crimes against the great nation of America you are hereby sentenced to death. [HUGE MUSIC STING]
Terrance:	DEATH?! You gotta be shittin' me!
Phillip:	Aghgh! [passes out]
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids can't believe what they're seeing. Everyone is silent. Finally, Kyle perks up.]
Kyle:	Dude, let's help Terrance and Phillip!!
Stan:	How do we do that? [Kyle thinks for a moment.]
Wendy:	You raise awareness by distributing buttons, stickers, and leaflets.
Cartman:	That'd be sweet! We could try to bring back Cheesy Poofs!
Kyle:	Yeah, let's make Free Terrance and Phillip buttons!
Wendy:	You guys don't even care. All you care about is seeing Terrance and Phillip fart on each other more. [the boys sit there and think]
Stan::	Yeah.
Wendy:	This is about freedom of speech, Stan, about censorship.
Gregory:	[the handsome English kid, chimes in] Yea, what's next? Barcodes on our forearms? This country is the most fascist of all! [Wendy looks at him deeply. He smiles at her.]
Stan:	What the hell are you talking about, kid?
Wendy:	You don't get it, Stan… You just don't get it. [walks away]
Stan::	What? What don't I get? [to Kyle] What don't I get?
Kyle:	I don't know, dude.
Stan:	That British dickhole is what's taking Wendy away from me!
Kyle:	I thought she wasn't your girlfriend, dude.
Stan:	She's NOT! But if she WAS it would be THAT little asshole who's fucking it up for me!
	[INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are all sitting in rows, wearing very crude 'Free Terrance and Phillip' buttons.]
Mr. Mackey:	M'kay, children, you've all made terrific progress, and are hereby done with the eight-step progam. [The kids all AD LIB relief.]
Cartman:	Thank God. That sucked ass/
Mr. Mackey:	Uh, except for you, Eric. I'm afraid you need to work more on not saying the F word and the N word.
Cartman:	The N word?
Mr. Mackey:	[reading] Norwegian ass raper.
Cartman:	Oh yeah.
Mr. Mackey:	The rest of you are graduated. You can go home today. [the kids cheer]
Cartman:	I don't graduate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!
Mr. Mackey:	[just then notices the little buttons on everybody's shirts] Free Terrance and Phillip? Oh no… M'kay.
Kyle:	[proudly] We're protesting!
Stan:	Yeah!
Mr. Mackey:	Well, boys, it might interest you to know that your FRIENDS the Canadians have just bombed the U.S.
Stan:	They did?!
Mr. Mackey:	Yes. At six this morning they bombed the heck out of Cleveland.
Kyle:	Oh. That doesn't count.
Wendy:	They only bombed Cleveland because we're going to execute two of their citizens!!
Mr. Mackey:	Wendy, m'kay, if you want to start getting political, I'll throw your skinny little ass back into rehab. M'kay?
Cartman:	HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT GRADUATE ME?! DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE?!
Mr. Mackey:	No, Eric… I'm afraid it's phase two for you… [dramatic MUSIC sting.]
	[INT. HELL — DAY. Kenny is chained up in a torture chamber in Hell. Demons and ghouls surround him.]
Satan:	Prepare thyself for unending pain! Unparalleled misery!! [Kenny starts to cry.]
Saddam Hussein:	[comes out from behind Satan holding a martini] Hey, relax, Satan. Don't get all worked up. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer again.
Kenny:	Mrph mprph!!
Saddam Hussein:	What? What do you mean you don't belong here? Relax, guy, hell is for children.
Kenny:	Mrph mprhm mm rmph!
Saddam Hussein:	A deal? You wanna make a deal with the devil? Well sure, deals are mounds o' fun.
Satan:	Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?!
Saddam Hussein:	Hey, relax, guy. Let's see what the kid wants.
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm!
Saddam Hussein:	Oh, so you want out of hell, huh?
Satan:	Well of COURSE he wants out of hell! The whole POINT of hell is that you don't WANT to be here!
Saddam Hussein:	Okay, kid, I have a deal for you! If you want out of hell, all you have to do is collect 10 proofs of purchase from 'Snacky S'mores.' They're rich, chocolately, and really hit the spot. Bring me ten proofs of purchase and we'll grant you ANY WISH YOU WANT.
Kenny:	Mrph?
Saddam Hussein:	I wouldn't bullshit you, kid! Snacky S'mores are now available in stores everywhere! No biggie! [walks over to Kenny and releases his chains] Well, what are you waiting for, pal? Get to it! [Kenny runs out and away.] HA HA HAHA!! What a dumbass!!
Satan:	I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
Saddam Hussein:	Hey relax, guy. It's just a cruel joke. Rich, chocolatey Snacky S'mores are only available up on earth. He'll never get 'em, see?
Satan:	Sometimes I think you don't have any respect for me.
Saddam Hussein:	Hey, come here, guy. [pulls Satan around and plants a big wet kiss on him] Who's my creampuff?
Satan:	I am.
	[INT. PTA MEETING — DAY. A large crowd of parents has gathered for a PTA meeting. Kenny's mother is at a table selling dead Kenny Tshirts. She has a shitload of money all around her. Another MOTHER walks up, hands Kenny's mom money, and gets a shirt.]
Mother:	Is that a new pearl bracelet, Mrs. McKormick?
Kenny's Mother:	Wh yes. Yes it is.
Kyle's Mother:	As our next official order of business here at M.A.C., we will test the new V-chip. As most of you know, the V-chip was created to lock children out of watching certain shows on television. And now the N.I.H. has created a new, exciting product that they can tell us about. Here is the Surgeon General, Dr. Pangloss. [DR. PANGLOSS, a lab technician in white takes the podium]
Dr. Pangloss:	Thank you, parents. [One person claps. Pangloss hits a button and the slide projector starts showing pictures of the device] The machinery of the new 'V-chip' is very simple, and similar to that of the V-chip. The chip is placed under the subject's skin, where it emits a small but painful shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered. [the parents are fascinated]
Randy:	Now wait a minute. Are you telling us that this chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
Dr. Pangloss:	It's just like a lie detector. Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [the parents AD LIB 'Ooohs' and 'Ahhhhs'] We are very excited to see the results of this test. [calling] Patient 453, would you step out here, please? [Cartman steps out wearing a hospital robe] Patient 453 here has been fitted with the new V-chip…
Cartman:	My head hurts.
Dr. Pangloss:	[to Cartman] Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say, "Doggy."
Cartman:	Doggy.
Dr. Pangloss:	Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana."
Cartman:	Montana.
Dr. Pangloss:	Good! Now, "Pillow."
Cartman:	Pillow.
Dr. Pangloss:	Alright, now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker." [Cartman looks offstage to his mother.]
Cartman's Mother:	Go ahead. It's alright, Eric.
Cartman:	[smiles] Horse-fuck- [BZZZZZAAAAT!!!!] AGAAHGAHGAH!!!!! [falls to the floor in pain. All the parents ooh and ahh and applaud] OW!! That HURT, GOD DAMM- [BASAAATTT!!] OW!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!! YOU SONS OF BITCHE— [BASAAATTT!!]
Dr. Pangloss:	Success!! Our device works perfectly! We will begin mass production immediately!
Kyle's Mother:	And so we have successfully removed the Canadian smut from all of our children's brains. We have made changes at school to ensure that our kids are NEVER AGAIN exposed to smut!!!!!!! It's OVER! [the crowd goes wild.]
	[EXT. SCHOOL — DAY. School is now Naziesque. A military drum echoes in the distance. INT. CLASSROOM — SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY — DAY Stan and Kyle are sitting in their desks waiting for school to begin. Wendy walks by on her way to her desk.]
Stan:	Hi Wendy.
Wendy:	[not even looking] Hi Stan. [walks on by]
Kyle:	Wow, dude, Wendy could really give a rat's ass bout you.
Stan:	[eyes still on Wendy] I bet she would if my name was GREGORY!!
Kyle:	Good thing she was never your girlfriend… Dude, here comes Cartman. [Cartman walks in and gingerly sits down] Hay, Cartman, did they put the V-chip in your head or your ass?
Stan:	What's the difference? [Stan and Kyle laugh.]
Cartman:	Very funny, dickhead- [BZZAAT! The V-chip shocks Cartman.] OW! FUCK- [BZZZAAAT!!] AY! [thrown to the floor in a shivering heap.]
Kyle:	Whoa! What the hell was that?!
Stan:	Dude! It's the V-chip! It shocks him every time he cusses! [Stan and Kyle look at each other.]
Kyle:	Hey, Cartman.
Cartman:	What?
Kyle:	You know, me and Stan were just talking about what a fat fucking hunk o' fat fuck you are.
Cartman:	Oh yeah?! Well, you're a monkey-shit- [BZAAAT!] SHIT- [BZZZAAAT!!] [BZZAAAT!! The cycle continues as Stan and Kyle laugh merrily watching Cartman flopping around on the floor.]
Kyle:	This is sweet!
Stan:	Totally!
Mr. Garrison:	[stands before his class] Okay, children, let's try with a few new math problems. What is five times two? [the kids all just sit there] Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Clyde:	Twelve?
Mr. Garrison:	Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy… [just then, the doors burst open and in walk a couple of Nazi-looking American officers. They walk over to the children and start pulling off their 'Free Terrance and Phillip' pins.]
Stan:	Hey, what are you doing?
Soldier:	You can't wear these in school. It's against school policy, thank you. [Another soldier rips off Kyle's pin and replaces it with a yellow star.]
Kyle:	What's that for?
Soldier 2:	You get a star for doing well in school. [just as quickly, the soldiers make their way out the door.]
Wendy:	NAZIS!!
Stan:	What's the matter, Wendy?
Wendy:	Nothing, Stan. You wouldn't understand.
Stan:	[to Kyle] God damn it, why does she keep saying that?
	[INT. CAFETERIA — DAY The boys are in line. Nazi-ish soldiers usher them through.]
Stan:	I'm so sick of these soldiers.
Kyle:	Yeah, they suck.
Cartman:	I know, always saying, "Do this, do that." They think they're so cooool. [to the soldier] Acht lieben kraft auch spiler! [BZZZT!] OW!!! [the soldier glares at him. The boys walk into the kitchen, where they are greeted by their big, happy, black school CHEF!]
Chef:	Hello there, children!!
Stan:	Hey, Chef.
Chef:	How would you like some Salisbury steak with buttered noodles?
Kyle:	We can't. We're on a hunger strike.
Chef:	A hunger strike? For what?
Stan:	To free Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman:	But you guys… it's Salisbury steak.
Stan:	Chef, do you know anything about women?
Chef:	Ha! Is the Pope Catholic?
Kyle:	I don't know.
Chef:	Children, I know ALL there is to know about women.
Stan:	What's the secret to making a woman happy?
Chef:	[dishing out food] Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
Stan:	Huh?
Chef:	Oops, I guess you haven't gotten that far in your anatomy class, huh?
Stan:	No, what does that mean, "find the clitoris"?
Cartman:	Is that like finding Jesus or something?
Chef:	Uh… Nothing. Forget I said anything. Now move along, children! You're holding up the line!
Principal Victoria:	[o.s.] ATTENTION ALL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS AND STAFF! REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!
Stan:	Whoa, I wonder what's going on, dude.
	[INT. GYMNASIUM — DAY All the elementary students are gathered in front of a large television monitor. Mr. Garrison and his class walk in and look confused. The boys walk up to Chef.]
Principal Victoria:	Please take your seats, everyone!!!!
Kyle:	What's going on, Chef?
Chef:	Something big, children. [The television goes from that Emergency Broadcast signal to a scene of a news anchor sitting at his desk]
News Anchor:	[very serious] This is a State of Emergency. We go now to the White House for a VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT from the President of the United States.
	[INT. OVAL OFFICE — DAY The President is sittine in a chair by the fireplace.]
President Clinton:	Ladies and gentlemen… At 5 a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy… sort of… the U.S. has declared war on Canada.
	[ANGLE — KIDS They all stare in silence. Mr. Garrison takes a deep breath.]
Chef:	Oh, no…
Mr. Mackey:	I don't believe it.
Cartman:	Hoply crap- [BZZZT!] OW!! Hey, crap isn't a swear word! What the fuck?! [ZZZZZZTTT] AGAGAGH!!!
President Clinton:	All Canadians are to leave the country immediately, or be subject to military camps. All Canadian products are to be thrown out.
Principal Victoria:	How can they do this?
Mr. Garrison:	I never thought there would be war again in my lifetime…
	[INT. WHITE HOUSE — DAY Everyone watches the television in stunned silence.]
Stan:	Chef, what does it mean that we're at war?
Chef:	It's… It's not good, children.
Principal Victoria:	What do we do? Do we go on as normal or…?
Mr. Garrison:	I don't know, Principal Victoria… I don't know…
President Clinton:	And now, I would like to bring up the woman who led, and is still leading, the way in this glorious stand-
Kyle:	[pointing to TV] HOLY SHIT DUDE!! [his mom appears on the TV dressed in military garb.]
President Clinton:	Mrs. Sheila Brovlofski.
Chef:	Isn't that your mother, Kyle? [Kyle can't believe it, On the television, Kyle's mother walks up to the podium. She is dressed to the hilt. She hugs the President and the First Lady and then takes a deep breath.]
Kyle's Mother:	My fellow Americans, I have led this fight in the War aganst Profanity. I have founded Mothers Against Canada. Our neighbor to the North has abused us for the last time!
President Clinton:	As Commander in Chief, I have ordered our Army to set up defensive positions along the US-Canada border in anticipation of an attack.
Kyle's Mother:	What about air strikes?
President Clinton:	Huh?
Kyle's Mother:	We have to have air strikes on their military and entertainment centers. It's the only way to ensure that their smut can't reach American soil!
President Clinton:	Oh, uh… I don't know if air strikes are necessary.
Kyle's Mother:	Not necessary?! Mr. President, may I remind you that our country's heart and soul are at stake, and our children's minds are the battlefield! The bastard Canadians want to fight us, because we won't tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want… THEN WAR THEY SHALL HAVE!!! [A huge eruption of cheers from the crowd in front of Kyle's mother. She is obviously floored by it. She can't help but smile. She actually holds her head up higher, and then raises her arms up in two peace signs, as the cheers get louder. The President forces a smile and actually applauds with the rest of the crowd. Back in the gymnasium, Kyle looks thoroughly embarrassed.]
Chef:	Damn, you're mom's a bitch, Kyle.
Cartman:	Amen to that.
	[INT. HELL — DAY Kenny is sadly walking around hell. He walks up to another one of hell's prisoners.]
Kenny:	Mph rmph rm rmph rm?
George Burns:	Snacky S'mores? Why the hell would I have proofs of purchase from Snacky S'mores? Beat it, kid. [Kenny moves along. He hears some voices coming from a door. He oepns the door and peeps inside-]
Saddam:	Hey, relax, guy!
Satan:	Oh, there's nothing on. [Kenny cracks the door open and looks in]
	[INT. SATAN'S BEDROOM — KENNY'S POV Satan and Saddam are lying in bed.]
Saddam Hussein:	You just get cranky when you're tired, that's all. I told you that you shouldn't have tried to carry that futon all by yourself.
Satan:	I'm not cranky. And that futon was not too big to carry myself- [just then, he hears a reporter on CNN]
TV:	In war news, countries from Europe and Asia are joining sides in the Canadian-American War-
Saddam Hussein:	Listen, butterbuns, let's make love and forget about the whole thing
Satan:	SHHH!!!!
TV:	…The death count is already on its way to 10 million with no signs of slowing down. What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III- [Kenny's eyes bulge. He wants to see more, but Satan clicks off the television and sits up in bed.]
Satan:	It has come to be… The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophecy is upon us!
Saddam Hussein:	Oh, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank!
Satan:	No, I'm being serious. Those Canadian entertainers are to be killed. It is the seventh sign. [walks over to a large pedestal which holds an ancient tome. He turns the pages as he talks.] Behold, the signs of my reign on earth are all falling into place! The fall of an empire- [points to an ancient-looking picture of the death of Caesar] -the coming of a comet- [points to a picture of a comet passing by Earth.] Jerry Springer's movie doing more than ten million box office [a picture of Jerry Springer holding a bunch of money] …And now… [points to an ancient drawing on the wall. It looks like Terrance and Phillip being stabbed in the head.] The seventh sign! When the blood of these Canadians touches American soil… it will be our time to rise!!!!! [DRAMATIC music]
Saddam Hussein:	Yeah! YEAH!!! Man, I'm getting so HOT!!!
Satan:	Do you always think about sex? I'm talking about some very important stuff here!
Saddam Hussein:	Listen, buttercup, let's make love and forget about the whole thing.
Satan:	Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Saddam Hussein:	[thinks for a second] I love you. [Satan sits with his arms crossed and a frown] You know I do.
Satan:	I know.
Saddam Hussein:	So whaddaya say we shut off that light and get close, huh? [Satan reaches over and turns off the light. Everything goes pitch black. The light goes off of Kenny's face as well. A beat. Then a small moan from Satan] Yeah, you like that, don't you, bitch?
	[EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE — DAY Stan and Kyle are walking down South Park Avenue. Stan is reading out of a huge book.
Kyle:	Does it say what the clitoris is?
Stan:	All it says is that it's above the vulva… But where the hell is the vulva?
Kyle:	Isn't that in Arizona or something? [Stan and Kyle walk into the middle of town. where a HUGE bonfire of Terrance and Phillip videos and posters, and Canadian items like syrup and hockey sticks, are burning away. The soldiers throw Stan's book ]
Stan:	What is this?
Cartman:	They're burning all the Canadian stuff 'cause of the war.
Stan:	That book wasn't Canadian! [Clyde, one of the kids from school, throws his Terrance and Phillip dolls into the burning mass.]
Kyle:	[stops him on his way back] Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Clyde:	'Course not! We're at war! My daddy says I HATE Canadians now! [more kids line up to burn their Terrance and Phillp stuff. Several random mothers from M.A.C. are standing in front of the bonfire with anti-Canadian signs and T-shirts. The boys' parents aren't around, but another MAC mother is leading the charge.]
MAC Mother:	THAT'S IT! BURN EVERYTHING CANADIAN!!! MAKE OUR COUNTRY DECENT AGAIN FOR OUR CHILDREN!!! [a townsperson throws Alanis Morissette albums into the fire. Another person runs up and throws in a bag of Cheesy Poofs.]
Cartman:	NOOOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH, WHY GOD, WHY?! [falls to his knees and cries as the Cheesy Poofs burn away] This is all 'cause of your mom, Kyle. She's such a bitch- [BBBAZZTT!!] AGH!! I mean - she's such a… meanie.
Kyle:	And she's getting worse…
Stan:	Dude… Isn't that your brother? [Kyle looks to where a group of big, mean FIFTH GRADERS have encircled Ike.]
Fifth Grader:	Who don't you go back to your own country, CANADIAN?!
Fifth Grader 2:	Yeah! Go eat some potatoes and ride donkeys!
Ike:	Eee todo ba! [Kyle's eyes grow wider]
Kyle:	[dashes over] Hey! Leave him alone!
Fifth Grader:	It's just a smelly Canadian. They're like rats.
Kyle:	He's my brother!
Fifth Grader:	You don't look Canadian.
Kyle:	He's adopted! [picks his brother up and tries to protect him]
Fifth Grader:	Well, you better get his beady eyed Canadian ass out of America before my daddy finds him!! [the boys watch in horror as the fifth graders run over and throw more Canadian items into the fire.]
Kyle:	It's only a matter of time before my mom has HIM burned too!
Stan:	What has the world come to? This is horrible. We're locked up, burning books, hating other people-
Cartman:	No Cheesy Poofs.
Stan:	-No Cheesy Poofs… What the hell is happening? [DRAMATIC MUSIC begins]
Kyle:	I don't know. But it has gone far enough! I'm sick of it! [singing] Something must be done! Change has got to come around! They're taking all our laughter and burning ti to the ground! Can't you see what this is leading to? A world of chains and ties and glue! We have to fight before they've taken every one! Something must be done!
Stan:	I agree! The only way to save our future is to unite and fight! [singing] Something must be done! We must take action fast! My parents have gotten so strict, they forgot they were children in the past.
Cartman:	[singing] And my mom has become so bu-sy that she's raising heck and ignoring me I agree that there is now a battle to be won! Something must be done!
Stan:	But what are we going to do agains the entire army?
Kyle:	We've gotta get the word out. We'll get on my dad's computer and use the Internet! Come on you guys!
Boys:	[proudly head down the street] Something must be done! Something's gotta give! This world has become a bitch [Cartman gets shocked] in which we have no desire to live! We've pushed and pushed it to the edge, and now the time has come! Something's gotta change! Something must be done! Something must be done!!!
	[INT. KYLE'S HOUSE — KYLE'S DAD'S OFFICE Kyle is at the keyboard of his dad's computer. Stan and Cartman are waiting in the background.]
Kyle:	Okay… I just need to find a few private message boards…
Stan:	Wait! Before we put a message out, do a search on the word "clitoris."
Kyle:	Okay… [types in the word and hits return] "Found: eight million pages with the word, 'clitoris!'"
Stan:	Wow!
Kyle:	I'll just try the first one. [clicks the mouse. They wait for the screen to load…] Dude! It's a lady giving a blow job to a horse! [Stan and Cartman rush over]
Stan:	Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman:	Very funny.
Kyle:	Hey… It IS Cartman's mom!! [Cartman looks at the screen]
Cartman:	Oh, son of a bitch! [ZZAP!!] AAGHGH!! I mean, son of a biscuit!
Stan:	Maybe THAT'S who your father is, Cartman!
Ike:	[bounces in happily] Ber dada.
Kyle:	Get out of here, Ike! You're too young for this stuff!
Ike:	Papa mama simi. [bounces out]
Cartman:	Come on, just get to the message board!
Kyle:	I'm trying. I can't find a Canadian server… I've got to break into the mainframe… [furiously hits a bunch of keys] Damn it! They've got an access code. I'll try to re-route the encryptions… [furiously hits a bunch more keys]
Stan:	Dude, do you know what you're doing?
Kyle:	No, dude, all you have to do is hit the keys really fast and say a bunch of stupid shit and it works. [just then the screen pops up: "ACCESS GRANTED"] Bingo. Okay, here we go… [types] "Want to help Terrance & Phillip? Meet us for a meeting at Gladdy's barn tomorrow night…
Cartman:	Tell 'em we'll have pie and punch.
Kyle:	We're not gonna have pie and punch!
Cartman:	More people will come if they think we have pie and punch!
Kyle:	"…pie and punch… This is top secret. The password is…" [the boys all think…]
Stan:	[dramatically] "La Resistance." [Triumphant MUSIC cue]
	[INT. KYLE'S ATTIC The door to the attic pops open. Kyle shoves Ike up into the attic]
Kyle:	You stay up here in the attic, Ike. Don't make any noises or nothing, okay?
Ike:	Uhh…
Kyle:	Goodnight, Ike, we're all going to bed. [The door closes, and it is dark. Ike blinks. He looks out a small window onto the street below. A few armed soldiers walk by. Ike pulls out a little plastic harmonica and sadly starts to play.]
	[INT. PENTAGON — NIGHT Tons of MILITARY PERSONNEL are running to and fro. Giant computer screens show Canada's latest attacks.]
Secretary of Defense:	Sir! The Canadians have destroyed Des Moines!!
President:	How can you tell? [everyone laughs merrily]
Secretary of Defense:	Good one, sir!
Pentagon Guy:	[suddenly runs up to the President holding some papers] Sir, we're tracking a signal crossing into Canadian computers! It looks like we may have a resistance morement starting… [the President grabs the papers and dashes over to Kyle's mother, who is standing there looking smug, with her arms behind her back and her chest out. She has a few military badges on her.]
President:	[showing her the papers] Ma'am, we're tracking a resistance… It's probably Canadian spies!!
Kyle's Mother:	Well, find out where that signal is coming from! Then hunt them down like dogs! Any and all Canadian influence must be stopped at all cost!
President:	Yes ma'am! [starts to run off.]
Kyle's Mother:	And Bill?
President:	Yes?
Kyle's Mother:	I'm needing lunch.
President:	Right away, ma'am!
	[EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — NIGHT Establishing.]
Radio Announcer:	[v.o.] And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to fight the Canadian forces…
	[INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — NIGHT Cartman's mother is tucking him into bed.]
Radio Announcer:	[v.o.] What is quickly being referred to as 'The Great Canadian-American War' has already reached a death toll of two million.
Cartman's Mother:	Good night, honey.
Cartman:	Mom… When is the war gonna be over.
Cartman's Mother:	I don't know, honey. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh?
Cartman:	Oh, I don't care. I was just asking 'cause all my favorite TV shows have been replaced by news, and it's pissing me off.
Cartman's Mother:	Oh.
Cartman:	Mom…
Cartman's Mother:	[looks in] Yes, hon?
Cartman:	If you went down on a horse… You'd tell me, right?
Cartman's Mother:	Sure, hon. Good night! [switches off the light and leaves. Cartman lies there, lit only by soft blue moonlight, and thinks. He hears a SCRAPING noise and looks a little scared, but then tries to close his eyes to sleep.] Go away, scary noise. [again the SCRAPING. Cartman pops open his eyes to see - KENNY! He is transparent and floating above Cartman's bed. Cartman is horrified, too much so to even scream. Kenny puts his hand to his mouth to try and speak, but he makes no sound. Finally, Cartman lets out a piercing cry. Cartman's mother comes rushing in, just as the image of Kenny disappears.]
Cartman's Mother:	Eric?! Eric, what is it?!
Cartman:	I saw him!! I saw Kenny!! [Cartman's mother looks around and sees nothing. Finally she just cradles Cartman's fat head in her arms.]
Cartman's Mother:	Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much…
Cartman:	I bet him he couldn't set himself on fire, and now he's all pissed off!! [BZZTZT!] AGH! I can't say "Pissed off?!" [BAZZTZT!!] AGH!!
	[INT> HELL — DAY (MOVED) Kenny is again snooping around. He quietly creaks Satan's door open and walks in. Satan is in his room looking at a map of Earth.]
Satan:	The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, all hell shall rise!! [Kenny looks scared. Satan coninues evil and scary] Are you afraid, little one? Afraid for the souls of your pitiful friends that-
Saddam Hussein:	[suddenly walks in carrying some bags] Hey, Satan, I got some great new home furnishings today! [Satan rolls his eyes and sighs. His attempt to be evil to Kenny is squashed again.] Boy, buddy Rich, it was a bitch to get something to match with that bathroom tile! [Saddam looks at Kenny] Oh, hey kid. Find those proofs of purchase yet? No?! Gee, what a surprise! Well, keep lookin'! [a beat]
Satan:	[folds his arms and looks at the floor, pissed] Do you wanna know what I did today?
Saddam Hussein:	[lets out a sigh] What did you do today, Satan?
Satan:	You don't care.
Saddam Hussein:	Hey fella! Relax! This whole Armageddon thing has got you all stressed out. Let's make love.
Satan:	Do you remember when you first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up… We would just lie in bed and TALK.
Saddam Hussein:	That's because I wanted to fuck you, dumbass! Now, how's aboot you get those pants down?!
Satan:	Don't call me dumb!
Saddam Hussein:	I mean cute dumb. Now bend over! [as this conversation happens, Kenny's eyes dart back and forth as if watching a tennis match.]
Satan:	How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddam Hussein:	[sighs] Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I gonna pretend you are? Helen Reddy? [a beat] Come on, kid. Help me with these shower curtaiins. [Saddam and Kenny walk out, leaving Satan all alone with sad music playing]
Satan:	[Gently] Sometimes I think When I look up, real high That there's a whole world up there, And, just maybe, it could be mine. But then I sink, Because it's here I'm supposed to stay. But I don't even know how or why It's suposed to be that way? [walks to his veranda] Up there, there is so much room, Where babies burp and flowers bloom. Everyone dreams; I can dream, too. Up there, up Where the skies are ocean-blue, I could be safe and live without a care… up There. [walks over to a bright blue globe and spins it slowly] They say I don't belong, That my place is down below. Because of my beliefs I'm supposed To stay where evil is sown. But what is evil, anyway? Is there reason to the rhyme? Without evil there could be no good, so it must be Good to be evil sometimes. Up there, there is so much room, Where babies burp and flowers bloom. Everyone dreams; I can dream, too. Up there, up Where the skies are ocean-blue, I could be safe and live without a care… up There! [PULL BACK, big crane shot rising above Satan.]
	[EXT. SMALL ABANDONED BUILDING — NIGHT A dim light is all that is visible from inside the small building INT. LA RESISTANCE — NIGHT Stan and Kyle are painting a sign on the wall: 'La Resistance.' Cartman comes running in. He looks scared.]
Kyle:	You're late, Cartman!
Cartman:	I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle:	Your behind?
Cartman:	I have to say "behind." I get shocked if I say, "ass-" [BBZZAATT] Ow!!!
Kyle:	Did you bring the pie and punch?
Cartman:	No you guys… Something happened… You guys wanna hear something creepy? [looking over each shoulder] I don't think Kenny is dead.
Stan:	What?
Cartman:	I saw him last night.
Kyle:	I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day.
Cartman:	YOU DO?
Kyle:	Sure, dude. On the face of every child. On the smile of every baby… [he and Stan laugh]
Cartman:	Hey! I'm telling you, this WAS Kenny! I think he's haunting me. [KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! The boys all look scared.]
Kyle:	Somebody's here… [the boys walk over to the door and open the slidng panel in front of their eyes.] Who is it?
Voice:	Uhh… I'm here for La Resistance.
Kyle:	What's the password?
Voice:	Uhh… I don't know.
Kyle:	Guess.
Voice:	Uh… "Bacon."
Kyle:	Okay. [opens the door. The golden-haired young boy from rehab stands there looking handsome and angelic]
Gregory:	Viva la Resistance!
Stan:	Oh, no, it's that kid.
Gregory:	This is the place— [Another kid walks up next to him. It's Wendy. Stan's eyes grow wide.]
Stan:	Wendy?
Wendy:	Stan?! YOU started La Resistance?
Gregory:	Well, apparently you have a bigger heart than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway; there are many others coming. [takes Wendy's hand and pushes his way in.]
	[INT. LA RESISTANCE — LATER Now the room is filled with a bunch of scared-looking RESISTANCE FOLLOWERS, all of whom are under the age of twelve. The room is lit only by candlelight, and the large 'VIVA LA RESISTANCE' hangs on the wall. Stan and Kyle look nervous.]
Stan:	Everyone be seated, please. [the kids all sit down]
Kyle:	Wow! A lot of people showed up.
Stan:	Yeah, so what do we say?
Kyle:	I thought you had something planned.
Stan:	Me?! [looks out over the faces. Gergory checks his watch.] 'Kay, uh… Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, and we think that sucks ass!! [the kids don't respond. Stan shoots a nervous look at Wendy, who is sitting next to Gregory.] Uhh… So we think we should prank call a bunch of policemen! We can have pizzas sent to them that they didn't order! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!! [Again, no response. Gregory rolls his eyes.] Uhh…
Gregory:	[stands up] May I?
Stan:	What?
Gregory:	[takes Stan's place at the front of the group] Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at a Canadian internment camp two kilometers outside of town. They are to be executed tomorrow, during a star-studded USO show for the troops. [pulls a big map out of nowhere and rolls it out. Stan and Kyle can't believe it.] Me must sneak into the camp through this duct, freeing Terrance and Phillip inside… The war is escalating, and the American forces are preparing for a large-scale attack on Canada. That means the time is now…
Kyle:	Wow, dude! Wendy's new guy is smart. [Stan shoots Kyle a dirty look.]
Gregory:	This is a dangerous mission, so I'll go myself. [Wendy smiles at him]
Stan:	No! [everyone looks at him] WE'RE going. WE started La Resistance to save Terrance and Phillip! We're going!
Gregory:	This will be very dangerous… Are you sure?
Cartman:	Fuck that! [BZZT] AGAGH!!
Stan:	We're going… Let's run through the plan!!
	[INT. SOUTH PARK — AMERICAN ARMY HEADQUARTERS A huge hall is filled with hundred of soldiers in different balltalions. We see our regulars: Mr. Garrison with a uniformed Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Jimbo and Ned, Bo, Pip, Stan'ss Gandfather, Jesus, Officer Barbady…
Jimbo:	Oh, I'm so glad there's a war again. I was gettin' worried I'd never see another one!
Ned:	I know what you mean.
Jimbo:	And they're giving all us troops a big USO show tomorrow with celebrities and executions! [PAN OVER to Mr. Garrison.]
Mr. Garrison:	You look great in your new uniform, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat:	You do too, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison:	Boy, I can't wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some poontang. [Chef sits down in a seat behind Garrison near the back. GENERAL PLYMKIN, a gruff old army type with bug eyes, steps up to a podium and addresses the troops.]
General Plymkin:	PAY ATTENTION! [the crowd settles down] It's no secret that the evil Canadian Federation has scored major victories all over the United States. We have brought you heere because you are America's best, and last, hope. [another general leans over to Plymkin and whispers in his ear.] Oh… Apparently you're not the best, you're simply the last. Anyway, let's strategize… Map! [a large, holographic 3-D map of South Park springs up in front of him. He walks around it pointing things out with a laser pointer.] Our sources have told us that the Canadians might try to attack tomorrow's USO show and stop us from executing Terrance and Phillip. [points to a spot on the 3-D map] Now, each battalion has a specific code name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands. [Chef is in Battalion 5 and dutifully raises his hand. Then he looks around and notices that everyone else in his secton is also African-American] You will be the all-important first defense wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield."
Chef:	Hey, wait a minute…
General:	Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit, men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14? [a bunch of white guys raise their hands] Right. You are "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." You will follow Battalion 5 here-. [points to a spot on the 3-D map] -and try not to get killed, for God's sake. Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?
Chef:	Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General:	I don't listen to hip-hop. [Chef scowls] If you somehow live, we will regroup on this hill outside— [Suddenly, the 3-D hologram starts to flicker and fizzle] Now what's wrong with this thing? [messes with the controls] Fucking Windows '98! [pulls the plug and stands there with the cord in his hand] GET GATES IN HERE!!! [BILL GATES walks in, escorted by two MILITARY GUARDS] YOU TOLD US WINDOWS '98 WOULD BE FASTER, AND MORE EFFICIENT, WITH BETTER ACCESS TO THE INTERNET!!!
Bill Gates:	It is faster, over five million— [Plymkin pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head. Gates falls to the floor, dead.]
General:	Alright, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare thyselves for battle!
	[INT. LA RESISTANCE — NIGHT In the dead of night, the kids are all in a circle discussing the plan]
Gregory:	…after you clear this zone here, rendezvous behind this ridge where Terrance and Phillip should be held.
Kyle:	Gotcha!
Gregory:	You are indeed brave, but you will need help from someone who's done this sort of thing before. MOLE! [Suddenly, a bump in the ground starts to move forward, leaving a trail behind it. (like Bugs Bunny before he pops out). The bump comes to a stop at the children's feet and out pops THE MOLE. He is a very biiter little nine year old French kid with a THNK French accent.]
Voice:	Oui?
Gregory:	Thank you for coming, Mole.
The Mole:	So… We must free more Canadian prizoners?
Kyle:	Yeah, I guess.
The Mole:	America… She is a beetch that sheets on her own children. [Stan and Kyle look at each other confused.]
Gregory:	This is the Mole. He will accompany you to the prizon where Terrance and Phillip are. He is an expert in covert operations and a lifelong fighter for freedom.
The Mole:	Freedom… It's like cow's urine poured down