The Guest Stars of
"Team America"

by Wild Willie Westwood

Team America

Spottswoode

He's the creator of Team America, its coach and mentor. He exudes a James Bond quality and is seldom seen without a martini in hand. He rolls on his executive chair from one end of the base to the other. He scouts Gary out and recruits him into Team America. He gives the team its missions, but doesn't reveal who's behind the missions. When Michael Moore blows himself up in Team Base, Spottswoode flies across the rec room and is knocked out for a while. Gary finds him battered and bruised and suspiciou about Gary's return. He won't accept Gary back until Gary demonstrates his dedication to the team. Spottswoode reassures the team that Gary is dedicated and won't quit on them again.

Gary Johnston

Gary Johnston is an all-American actor who graduated from Iowa University Summa Cum Laude with a double major in theater and world languages. He's been at the top of every acting class since he was a child. Top. Gun. Actor. Still, he feels guilty about his older brother dying, and he blames his acting for that. The guilt strikes him again when he learns of the terrorist attack on the Panama Canal, which causes him to abandon Team America until he has a chance to clear his head and return to Mr. Rushmore. He finds it destroyed and wanders inside to see if anyone is alive. Spottswoode almost kills him, mistaking him for a trespasser, but allows him to return after asking him to perform a sexual favor. Gary then goes on his mission to rescue the other team members, but they don't trust him now. Spottswoode calls them up reassuring them that Gary is dedicated to the outfit now. Gary strikes up a relationship with Lisa and wins her over, rescuing her after he sees her in Kim Jong Il's box..

Lisa

Lisa specializes in how the terrorists think, being an expert psychologist. She begins with Carson, but loses him to a terrorist sniper. She meets Gary along with the other team members and is attracted to him. When he tries to get close, she holds him off until he promises not to die on her. They soon make love and become a couple. Kim Jong Il takes her hostage and has her sit with him in his box seat for the world peace conference. Gary and the others work together to set her free and kill off Kim Jong Il.

Joe

Joe is an all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska. He's a natural-born leader. Still, he couldn't get Sarah to notice him. Once Sarah saw that Gary liked Lisa, though, Joe finally got his chance to be with her.

Sarah

Sarah is the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant in San Francisco, but she seems to be clairvoyant only about the obvious. She liked Gary and found herself competing with Lisa for his affection. She saw Joe as a brother and didn't know Joe liked her until he learned that she liked Gary. When Gary chooses Lisa, Sarah moves on to Joe and sees him in a new light.

Chris

Chris is the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer. He's a bit rude to new members, and he's rude to Gary because actors did bad things to him when he was younger. He squares off against a terrorist in the beginning and defeats him in hand-to-hand combat.

Carson

Carson was Lisa's lover at the beginning of the movie. He was about to propose to her when a terrorist sniper rose from a fountain behind him and shot him in the back a few times. His dying words to her were to live on without him and find a new man.

The Limo Driver/Bartender

The limo driver doesn't have a single word in the movie, but he drives the team members around in the limo-plane when required to do so. He also mixes drinks at the bar in Team Base. He drives Gary and Spottswoode to Mt. Rushmore at the beginning of the movie and mixes drinks after Team America successfully completes its first mission with Gary on board.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

He is the dopey computer who picks up communications between terrorists without their knowledge. He's the most sophisticated computer in the world, and as is seen during the movie, quite indestructible. And you'll notice he has a face. :)

The Web of Terrorism

Arab Terrorists in France

Kim Jong Il, Chechen Terrorist Leader

The terrorists at the top row were in France ready to blue up Paris. Jean-François and his mom saw them, so they opened fire on everybody. Team America swooped in and got them, but destroyed a few landmarks along the way and lsot one of their own men. The Chechen leader gets around. He first appears in North Korea to talk with Kim Jong Il, then is seen in Egypt talking to his men before Team America finds them. They take Gary along so he doesn't get killed, and the chase is on. Team America doesn't recognize him for a while, but that just gives Team America time to destroy more landmarks and kill a few more terrorists. Kim Jong Il is a big player in the terrorism business, but Spottswoode doesn't catch on for a long time. Kim is ruthless, killing his translator in cold blood and getting rid of Hans Blix. Still, he can turn on the charm and get the Film Actors Guild to speak at his peace conference, wherein he will kill all the world leaders and become emperor, perhaps. Team America appears in time to stop him from carrying out his plan and in time to save Lisa.

Film Actors Guild

Alec Baldwin, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Janeane Garofalo

Danny Glover, Ethan Hawke, Helen Hunt, Samuel Jackson

Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Liv Tyler

Here are twelve members of the Film Actors Guild (FAG). Alec Baldwin is the leader for FAG at the moment, so he gives the keynote speech at the world conference Kim Jong Il set up. He is also Gary's hero, but he takes a dim view of Gary. Alec loses composure when Gary's speech turns out much better than his own. Matt Damon can only say his own name. Danny Glover, Ethan Hawke, Helen Hunt, Samuel Jackson, Sean Penn, and Tim Robbins were in the climactic battle in Kim Jong Il's palace. Sean Penn and Danny Glover lured Joe and Sarah into a room and had panthers attack them. Sarah turned the tables with her psychic power and the panthers went after Penn and Glover, killing them. Susan Sarandon got herself tied up so that Team America could untie her and she could kill them, but Gary saw through that and he and Chris killed her off.

Others

Jean-François and his mom, Bashir Rebels, Panamanian Merchants and Truck Driver

Hans Blix, Peter Jennings, Michael Moore, Old Bar Patron

Jean-François and his mom are the first to run into the terrorists. Jean-François inadvertently runs into one while walking along eating his ice cream. He tells his mother and points them out to her. The Bashir rebels are interested in fighting terrorists. Hans Blix pays Kim Jong Il a visit, but Kim has a nasty surprise waiting for him. Blix is torn apart by sharks. The merchant and driver make passing comment, with the driver quite alarmed at the massive wave of water mowing down all who stand in its way. Peter Jennings reports on what FAG has to say about Team America's exploits against the terrorists, and on Kim's plan to hold a world peace conference in North Korea. Michael Moore rails against Team America, then goes inside Team Base to blow it and himself up. The Old Bar Patron shares his wisdom with Gary. Gary remembers the old man when he speaks at the peace conference.