| ANNOUNCER: | And now, here are this year's recipiants of zero Emmy awards… The boys from South Park. | |
| [A side stage. The boys, in tuxedoes, enter and stand before a giant Emmy atop a glass stand] | ||
| CARTMAN: | Thank you. Let us now remember those stars who we have lost over the past year.
Kenny McCormick, 1991-1999 [pulled into the fish tank by Stan's spooy fish] Kenny McCormick, 1991-1999 [crushed by Mir] Kenny McCormick, 1991-1999 [run over by a train] Kenny McCormick, 1991-1999 [Ozzy Osbourne bites his head off] Charlie Sheen, 1965-1999 Kenny McCormick, 1991-1999 [slides down a flag pole, impaled] GOD, Creation-1999 [a view of the sky] | |
| TREY PARKER: | [sings this tune off camera during the homage] I remember you Though you passed on. But no matter how many awards you'll win Or how popular you become, Still you die. But I remember you. | |
| STAN: | This year, the- [he and the other boys look at Kenny] Dude! | |
| KYLE: | I don't think we should be standing next to you, Kenny. [he, Stan, and Cartman back away from Kenny.] | |
| [End of homage. The Emmy falls on Kenny, and he dies.] |
| [The boys are sitting somewhere watching TV. Cartman is talking to someone on the phone] | |
| Cartman: | Hey, are you watching this crap on TV? [listens] No, the American Comedy Awards. I can't believe they did this crap to us again! Not one nomination! [listens] WHAT?! They don't think we're funny?! I'll show them funny! [The TV's reception starts to fail. Cartman looks at Kenny] Hey, Kenny fix that antenna right there! [Kenny climbs onto the TV and starts moving the antenna around. He gets electrocuted and falls over. His eyes pop out of their sockets. The reception now comes in clear] |
| Kyle: | Oh my God, the American Comedy Awards killed Kenny! |
| Cartman: | Ok, hold it right there Kenny! [studies what just hapened] Now THAT'S FUNNY. [laughs] |
| [End of clip.] |
|
CableACE Award Winner (11/14/1997) Animated Programming Special or Series: South ParkComedy Central |
| [A stage. Sela Ward is speaking] | |
| Sela Ward: | Here are Stan, Kyle, Cartman [cheers and applause rise up from the audience] and the most eloquent of them all, Kenny. [looks off to her left. Cut to a construction-paper stage. Stan and Cartman enter from screen left, Kyle and Kenny from screen right. They line up abreast behind a little podium] |
| Stan: | Whoa, dude! Sela Ward is hot! |
| Kyle: | Yeah! |
| Kenny: | (Yeah, I'd pinch her to get in trouble) [the others laugh] |
| Stan:: | Yeah. I would, too. |
| Kyle: | Tonight, we are here to present the award for Best Talk Show Series |
| Cartman: | Ey! Wait a minute! |
| Kyle: | What?! |
| Cartman: | This doesn't look anything like last night's Cable Ace Awards! Everything's all fancy! |
| Stan: | That's because we were on last night, Cartman, when they did the non-teleivsed awards for little, unimportant shows like ours. |
| Cartman: | What do you mean?! Why were we on last night?! |
| Stan: | Dude, it was the same as tonight, except that we had general-admission seating, and had to pack our own dinners. |
| Kyle: | Yeah. And instead of an actual award, people received a $5 gift certificate at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. |
| Cartman: | That sucks! Who's in charge here?! |
| Stan: | Anyway, the nominees for Best Talk Show series are- |
| Cartman: | No! Everybody, just… hold on a minute! |
| Stan: | Will you shut your fat mouth for five seconds, Cartman, so we can do this?! |
| Cartman: | No way! |
| Kyle: | Shut up, Cartman! |
| Stan: | Anyway, the Best Talk Show nominees are… |
| Kyle: | [displays a picture of the first nominee] Charles Grodin, CNBC. |
| Cartman: | [displays a picture of the second nominee] Inside the Actors Studio, Bravo Cable Network. |
| Stan: | [displays a picture of the third nominee] Internight, MSNBC. |
| Cartman: | [displays a picture of the fourth nominee] Larry King Live, CNN. |
| Kyle: | [displays a picture of the fifth nominee] And Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, on Comedy-ee Cen-tral. |
| Cartman: | Mmeh! |
| Stan: | And the winner is… |
| Kyle: | Now, remember: there are no losers at the Cable Ace Awards, only people who are less likely to have another season. |
| Stan: | Yeah. [the audience laughs] And the winner is… |
| Kenny: | [opens an envelope] (Inside the Actors Studio, Bravo Cable Network.) |
| Stan: | Oohhhh, huh, [he and Kyle start clapping] heh-heh-heh-hehh. [Cartman starts clapping] |
| Kyle: | Congratulations. |
| Cartman: | Yes. Very nice, very nice. |
| Stan: | [steps forward] Oh. He said the winner is Inside the Actors Studio, Bravo Cable Network. |
| [End of presentation.] |