| [The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his changing table in his room.]
|
| Sheila: | Hold still, Ike! We have to get you dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
|
| Gerald: | I don't kow. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna be late for Jew Scouts!
|
| [Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging from their hair.]
|
| Sheila: | Kyle!
|
| Kyle: | I'm coming, Ma! [the doorbell rings]
|
| Sheila: | Go get the door, Kyle!
|
| Kyle: | [to himself, angrily] "Get ready," "answer the door," Jesus Christ, make up your frickin' mind! [exits]
|
| [The living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens it]
|
| Kyle: | Oh! Hey, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: | (Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the meteor shower. Do you wanna come and see it with me?)
|
| Kyle: | I can't watch the meteor shower with you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.
|
| Kenny: | (What's that?)
|
| Kyle: | It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually we just sit around and make stuff. But tonight, because there's a meteor shower, we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure.
|
| Kenny: | (Oh, that's alright.)
|
| Kyle: | Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then it won't suck so hard.
|
| Kenny: | (Really?) [follows Kyle to the sofa, where Kyle's parents now wait]
|
| Kyle: | Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
|
| Sheila: | …Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a …special thing.
|
| Kyle: | …Oh. Kenny isn't special?
|
| Kenny: | (Aw.)
|
| Sheila: | No, no, you're very special, Kenny. It's just that… well, Jewbilee is… for Jewish kids. [Kyle and Kenny have blank stares]
|
| Gerald: | You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special group that borrows a little bit from all different Jewish denominations. From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews… But you have to believe the basic tenets of Judaism to be a Scout.
|
| Kyle: | Kenny'll believe whatever you want him to.
|
| Kenny: | (Yeah.)
|
| Sheila: | Kyle, eh, the problem is-
|
| Kyle: | Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has anywhere else to be tonight.
|
| Gerald: | Oh, all right. Just don't let any of the elders know that he isn't Jewish, okay?
|
| Kenny: | (Woohoo!)
|
| Sheila: | Come on, Ike! [he hops in] It's time to go to Squirts!
|
| Kenny: | (Squirts?)
|
| Sheila: | You have to be in Squirts if you're too young to be a Jew Scout.
|
| Kenny: | (Oh.)
|
| Sheila: | Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there. [everyone heads out the door]
|
| [In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or Tanakh]
|
| Sheila: | And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore him no children. She had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abraham, "Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing. I pray thee, go into my maid."
|
| Kenny: | (Uh huh.)
|
| Sheila: | Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then sent to kill. But that was just a little silly trick to see if Abraham would do it.
|
| Kenny: | (Uh huh!)
|
| Ike: | Eng jeck. [takes off his cap]
|
| Kyle: | No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his Squirt uniform!
|
| Sheila: | Ike, you behave!
|
| Ike: | Buwor? [takes off his cap again.]
|
| Kyle: | No, Ike!
|
| Ike: | Buh buh buh buh [the cap is back on, the bandana comes off]
|
| Kyle: | I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
|
| Gerald: | [turns to face the boys] Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts, and so was I. You have to go so someday you can be a big brave Jew Scout.
|
| Ike: | No-o [takes off the pigtails]
|
| Gerald: | Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
|
| Kyle: | What? You want me to lie?
|
| Gerald: | Yeah, lie.
|
| Kyle: | Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun-
|
| Sheila: | Oh my God, what is that?! [brakes hard and stop. A big brown bear is walking towards them.]
|
| Gerald: | Hey, it's a bear! [the bear turns left and walks into the woods]
|
| Kyle: | Wow, cool.
|
| Sheila: | This retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?
|
| [The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, "WELCOME TO JEWBILEE." They reach the Jew welcome station]
|
| Ranger: | Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find it okay?
|
| Gerald: | Yeah. [the boys leave the car] Actually, we saw a bear a few miles back.
|
| Kyle: | He was huge.
|
| Ranger: | Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago. Nothing to worry about, though. Your boys are safe with us.
|
| Sheila: | I'm sure they are.
|
| Gerald: | We'llbe back to pick you up after the meteor shower party, boys.
|
| Sheila: | Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be safe. And Kenny?
|
| Kenny: | (Uh huh?)
|
| Sheila: | Try and act Jewish. [drives away. Ike is properly dressed again]
|
| Kenny: | (How do you do that?)
|
| Squirt leader: | [arrives with his troop] Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over here! [motions to the place]
|
| Kyle: | [Ike hids behind him] Who are you?
|
| Squirt leader: | I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want to be the Squirt leader, but I don't have a choice; it's the only way I can earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend all night instructing Squirts.
|
| Kyle: | You have to go with him, Ike.
|
| Ike: | Buh buh buh buh.
|
| Kyle: | Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And I'll be right over there in the next building. [points to it.]
|
| Ike: | Boul ball.
|
| Squirt leader: | Come on! [drags Ike away. The Squirts leave as well, and the ranger returns]
|
| Ranger: | Name?
|
| Kyle: | Kyle Broflovski.
|
| Kenny: | (Kenny McCormick.)
|
| Ranger: | What?
|
| Kyle: | Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.
|
| Ranger: | [writes the names] Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The meeting is already starting.
|
| [The Cartman house, night. Cartman's room. Cartman plays off-camera while his plush lizard, Rumpertumskin, sits on the bed. Cartman does all the voices…]
|
| Rumpertumskin: | [as Loveless] Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President and Salma Hayek!
|
| Polly: | [as Salma Hayek, tied to a cross standing in for railroad tracks] Oh, save me! Who will save me?
|
| Cartman: | [in cowboy gear, and six-shooter] I will! James West, cowboy and rap star! [whips out Clyde from behind his back] Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've got to save Salma Hayek!
|
| Clyde Frog: | [as Artemus] If we save her, I am going to take off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!
|
| Cartman: | Are you okay, Salma Hayek?
|
| Polly: | Yes, but I need to get out of here and eat some tacos and burritos. Me gusta tacos mucho!
|
| Rumpertumskin: | You cannot stop me, James West!
|
| Cartman: | Look out, Artemus Clyde Frog! It's a giant metal spider! [tosses Clyde aside, aims at a plush spider hanging on the edge of his toy box and fires] Bang! Bangbang! [strafes and performs a cartwell] Yoyoyo, jiggity jiggy with it! Bang bang bang! [tosses a baseball at the spider and knocks it out of the box] We saved the day! The Wild Wild West, The Wild Wild Wild West. Uhyo wicky wicky scratch, Uh wicky wicky scratch… [the door opens]
|
| Liane: | [nicely dressed, looks in] Eric. [he turns around and drops his shades and the gun] The babysitter's here. Come on downstairs.
|
| Cartman: | [begging] But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild West.
|
| Liane: | I have to leave soon, Eric.
|
| Cartman: | But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still have to do our love scene with Salma Ha-yek.
|
| Liane: | Come down as soon as you're done. [exits and closes the door]
|
| Cartman: | 
[silence, then he begins to rap]
Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's
Age wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh
Cowboy from the Westside-
|
| [The kitchen. Liane fixes herself as Shelly looks on]
|
| Liane: | Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelley.
|
| Shelley: | Okay.
|
| Liane: | All those other babysitters won't come back.
|
| Shelley: | I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps every hour after that up to six hours, which enters into golden time.
|
| Liane: | Oh, that sounds fine. I'm going to a meteor shower party. The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's nookie time is 9 o'clock sharp. If his little woogums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here. And if he gets cranky, just play tummy-rub-rubs with him, and make sure he wipes good after he makes bears.
|
| Shelley: | Bears?
|
| Liane: | Oh! And don't mind the cat. She's just being loud because she's in heat.
|
| [The living room. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV now, and Kitty is near him]
|
| Kitty: | Meowrowr!
|
| Cartman: | No, Kitty! I don't have anything!
|
| Kitty: | [starts rubbing her ass against the sofa] Meow rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
|
| Cartman: | What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop it, Kitty!
|
| Kitty: | [looks at him with her ass up in the air] Rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
|
| Cartman: | No Kitty, that a bad God-damned kitty! [Kitty runs away]
|
| Liane: | [enters with Shelley] Okay, muffin. Mommy's leaving now. You do what the babysitter tells you, okay?
|
| Cartman: | [absently] Uh-huh.
|
| Liane: | Be good.
|
| Cartman: | [huffs] Right.
|
| Liane: | Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses! [kneels next to Cartman]
|
| Cartman: | Aw, Ma.
|
| Liane: | Eskimo kisses for Mom-my!
|
| Cartman: | [mad] Jesus Christ. [drops to the floor, and they rub noses]
|
| Liane: | Bye, kids. [gets up and leaves the house]
|
| Cartman: | [now approaches Shelley] Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch! I'm hungry! [she punches him into the wall, which leaves an impact site with paint fallen off] Ow!
|
| Shelley: | Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up stupid turd! Got it?!
|
| Cartman: | You can't hit me! Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV? [she punches him, sending him into the wall again]
|
| Shelley: | My boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you make us that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd-stick you are!
|
| Cartman: | You're not allowed to have people over!
|
| Shelley: | [takes the remote] Move! [points towards the kitchen, and Cartman eventually rises and goes there]
|
| [The kitchen. Cartman walks to the refrigerator]
|
| Cartman: | This is bullcrap! [strains to open the freezer, but fails] I can't reach the freezer!
|
| Shelley: | [from the living room] Figure it out, turd!
|
| Cartman: | [huffs] God damnit! [goes for a chair and props it up in front of the refrigerator. As he hops onto the chair, Kitty walks in still pining] Shut up, Kitty! [turns and sees the note on the freezer door, then grabs it and reads it] Any problems, contact Eric's Mommy at 303… Aha! [hops off the chair, moves it back to the table, and sits on it. He grabs a telephone] I'm gonna call mom and tell her that the babysitter is having her boyfriend come over! Then we'll see who's the turd! [he picks up the receiver, only to find a familiar voice on the line]
|
| Shelley: | …So I said, "you're a little turd!" and he w-
|
| Cartman: | [hangs up] Damnit! [waits for a moment, then picks up the receiver again. Kitty now pines on the stove]
|
| Shelley: | …But when you've seen one turd, you've seen them all. [hangs up, waits, then picks up again] …stupid turd! The one night-
|
| Cartman: | Ey! I need to use the phone!
|
| Shelley: | Oh. Hold on a second, Carrie. [enters the kitchen and pulls Cartman's underwear over his back and head, blinding him]
|
| Cartman: | Ey! Aaah! Uh-ow! Ah! [she leaves and he picks up the receiver again]
|
| Shelley: | I placed his underwear over his head.
|
| Cartman: | [hangs up and puts his underwear back in place. Kitty resumes meowing] I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!! [her meows are persistent] SHUT THE HELL UP, KITTY!! [Kitty dashes out of the kitchen]
|
| [The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sheila take Stan along with them.]
|
| Stan: | I don't want to go to this stupid party!
|
| Randy: | Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time.
|
| Stan: | No, you guys are gonna have a great time! Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels.
|
| Randy: | Well, your mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it.
|
| [The Mackey house. The Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there, one of them double-parked. The house is festooned with stars of various sizes, with two shooting stars among them. A banner reads, "METEOR SHOWER PARTY" while a sign on the door reads "WELCOME SKYWATCHERS." The Marshes reach the door and Randy rings the bell. Mr. Mackey answers.]
|
| Mackey: | Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already a wild party, hm.
|
| Randy: | Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We had nowhere else to put him.
|
| Mackey: | Oh, that's okay. I've got a special kids' room down in the basement.
|
| Stan: | Awww!
|
| Mackey: | [leads the family across the room] Be sure to help yourselves to the crab soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita? [clap clap] Juanita? [clap clap] We need some more finger snadwiches? [she scurries by]
|
| [The basement. Mr. Mackey leads the family down the steps]
|
| Stan: | I don wanna hang out in the kids' room. I won't know anybody
|
| Randy: | Well, it would be good for you to make new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny. Now I bet you'll have a great time.
|
| Mackey: | [opens a door] Here you go, it's right in here. [Stan enters and gasps. Before him are two classmates and a smaller kid]
|
| Randy: | We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan.
|
| Stan: | [soft but urgent, tugging at Randy's pants] Dad! You can't leave me here! These guys are total Melvins!
|
| Sharon: | You have fun, Stanley.
|
| Stan: | [soft but urgent, tugging at Sharon's dress] No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest kids at our school!
|
| Mackey: | We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts. [closes the door. Stan looks at it with hands in pockets, then he looks at the other kids. Pip, Swanson, and a first grader smile at him. Stan tries to open the door, but it's locked. He turns to face his peers.]
|
| Pip: | Cheerio, Stahan. I do say it's quite a nice surprise seeing you here.
|
| Stan: | Shut up, Pip.
|
| Swanson: | Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're here, 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we, why, than we was havin' before. Why, we wuh, we were havin' an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however.
|
| Stan: | Butters, is there any way out of here?
|
| Butters: | Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid party anyways. It's better down here in the kids' room. [motions to the little boy to his left] Uh, this here is Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in first grade, I think.
|
| Dougie: | I like math.
|
| Stan: | Oh my God.
|
| Pip: | We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
|
| Stan: | No.
|
| Pip: | I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams [Butters bows] We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too. Stan, would you be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar? [Stan just looks at them] And all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
|
| All three: | Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. [Stan tries opening the door again]
|
| [Jewbilee. On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings, naturally.]
|
| Kenny: | (What's that?) [about the CHAMBER OF ELDERS]
|
| Kyle: | This is where the elders meet. Nobody is allowed to go in there when they're having a meeting.
|
| [The chamber of elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other elders]
|
| Chief elder: | Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us, the elders, on this most holy of nights.)
|
| Eldres: | Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)
|
| Chief elder: | I want to welcome you all. Though we each come from a different sect of Judaism, on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu. (May all the power of Moses show the way) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.
|
| Elder 1: | [with buns on his head] Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.
|
| Elder 2: | [with mustache] Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.
|
| Elder 3: | Elder Garth, from the synagogue of Anti-Semites.
|
| Chief elder: | [cautiously] I don't believe I've heard of the Anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before.
|
| Elder Garth: | We're new.
|
| [Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere.]
|
| Squirt leader: | Okay, Squirts, the elders have given us a very important task tonight. We are all going to make macaroni pictures, like this one, [pulls out a picture of the Star of David made from macaroni] using dry macaroni, paper, and glue.
|
| Squirt 1: | How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
|
| Squirt leader: | [angrily] Because that's what Squirts do! Now, shut your pie-hole!
|
| Squirt 2: | What's your name?
|
| Ike: | Nor.
|
| Squirt 2: | How come your head is lookin' so… funny-looking?
|
| Ike: | Uh uh. [doffs the hat and pigtails and hops to the window. He sees Kyle and Kenny walk to Meshuggeneh Hall]
|
| [Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a lecture hall. The banner outside says, "Jew Scouts Meeting Hall"]
|
| Elder: | And that's how we'll be making tonight's craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you need is a bar of soap and a dull knife [displays them], and you can make nifty soap sculptures like these. Here's a giraffe. [displays it] And here's a cloud. [displays it] You can all pick up your bars of soap later on, as we will all be making soap sculptures tonight. [Kyle and Kenny enter and take their seats] Now, this year we are pleased to announce that Jewbilee has grown to over one hundred Jew Scouts from all around the country. All new inductees, raise your hands. [several of them raise their hands. None of them wear the Jew Scout cap yet.]
|
| Kyle: | That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand. [Kenny does so. The elder spots the new Scouts, but returns to an odd prospect]
|
| Elder: | Uuuuhh, yess, and what is your name, young man?
|
| Inductee: | Tiunuchi.
|
| Elder: | O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um. [places his index finger on his lower lip] Cuh, Could you run out and grab some- some of those candles for us? [Tiunuchi leaves, and the attendant locks the door immediately] There we go. Ahem. [Kyle notices the injustice that has just been done] Now, I would like all the new inductees to step forward, please. [the new Scouts leave their seats and come up]
|
| Kyle: | This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't screw it up. [Kenny moves forward]
|
| Elder: | Raise your left hand and repeat after me: I pleadge to be a Jew Scout.
|
| Inductees: | I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
|
| Elder: | My honor, wide and true.
|
| Inductees: | My honor, wide and true.
|
| Elder: | I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
|
| Inductees: | I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
|
| Elder: | Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
|
| Inductees: | Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
|
| Elder: | [brings forth a large bell] Lahit chaim.
|
| Inductee 1: | Lahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head and strikes it once to produce a long, loud peal, then raises it. The boy walks off]
|
| Elder: | Lahit chaim.
|
| Inductee 2: | Lahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, and raises it. The boy stumbles away crying]
|
| Elder: | Lahit chaim.
|
| Kenny: | (Lahit chaim.) [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, but Kenny ducks] (Ha, Hiheh haha.) [the elder lowers it again and strikes it several times to make sure.] (Hah, Oh my God!)
|
| [Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due]
|
| Squirt leader: | Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?
|
| Ishmael: | Apple.
|
| Squirt leader: | Good. Matthew?
|
| Matthew: | Cat.
|
| Squirt leader: | Joseph?
|
| Joseph: | Triangle.
|
| Squirt leader: | Okay. Ike?
|
| Ike: | Cokeshen.
|
| Squirt leader: | [gasps] …You don't make a macaroni picture of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp! [Growling and other noises are heard] What the Jeez? [outside, a bear is searching through trashcans. The leader goes to the window] Oh my God, it's that bear they've been talking about! [the bear looks back, then jumps and runs away, leaving the trashcans strewn about and trash everywhere. The leader walks out with the Squirts] Where did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear! We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll get my Chutzpah badge for sure!
|
| [The Cartman living room. Cartman watches TV]
|
| Announcer: | And now, back to the movie of the week, Aliens.
|
| Newt: | [to Ripley] They mostly come at night, mostly.
|
| Cartman: | [echoing Newt] They mostly come at night, mostly. [Shelley comes in and tosses Cartman off the sofa, then changes the channel to Friends. Cartman returns to the sofa] Ey, I was watching Aliens on TV!
|
| Shelley: | Well, I'm watching Friends, turd! [the doorbell rings] That's my boyfriend. Go answer the door while I make sure I don't have food in my braces. [Cartman answers the door and looks at a young man in baseball cap and leather jacket]
|
| Dude: | Hey there, is Shelley around?
|
| Cartman: | Who the hell are you?
|
| Dude: | I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't tell me where Shelley is!
|
| Shelley: | [appears at the door] Hey, Skyler.
|
| Cartman: | You know this guy?
|
| Shelley: | He's my boyfriend! [Cartman studies him]
|
| Cartman: | Christ, he's like 50 years old!
|
| Shelley: | He's 22! [Cartman studies him some more]
|
| Cartman: | Dude, that's not cool.
|
| Shelley: | You're a turd! You're the Turdman of Alcatraz!
|
| Skyler: | Ye Yeah-ha.
|
| Cartman: | Dude, when my mom finds out that my babysitters have their boyfriends over, she mostly gets really mad, mostly. [Skyler enters and pulls Cartman's underwear over Cartman's head. Shelley grins and Skyler drops him.] Yaaah. Eeyy! Ey, God damnit!
|
| Shelley: | Turd wedgie. Come in the kitchen, Skyler. There's refreshments [giggles and takes his hand. They walk to the kitchen. As they pass the sofa, Kitty is looking at TV]
|
| Announcer: | And now, back to Wild Animal World
|
| Host: | [a lion follows a lioness around] Here in the more arid regions of Africa, the gold-coat lions are in the throes of mating season. [Kitty watches intently as the lion overtakes the lioness. The lionness lays down] The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large swollen balls. [Kitty meows loudly with excitement as the lion does his stuff] The female lion relaxes her body and says "hello" to Mr. Winky. [Kitty continues meowing. The lioness rolls over on her back] The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm backside. [The lion moves away] Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished. Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right in. Looks like the male lion… is screwed. [lion and lioness relax as the sun sets. Kitty is almost beside herself, rubbing her ass against the rug]
|
| [The kitchen. Cartman cooked the pizza after all. Shelley and Skyler finish it]
|
| Skyler: | Mmmmm. [tries to kiss her]
|
| Shelley: | No, Skyler. Quit it.
|
| Skyler: | Come on, babe. How long have we known each other?
|
| Shelley: | Eight days tomorrow.
|
| Skyler: | And I still don't get any action.
|
| Shelley: | I don't know, Skyler. It's just kind of strange to me that you're 22 and all.
|
| Skyler: | But I'm still in high school. I told you: I'm a very immature 22-year old.
|
| Shelley: | Well, maybe just one kiss.
|
| Skyler: | Mmmmm [kisses her on the lips, but Cartman intrudes]
|
| Cartman: | Hey, what are you doing? [Skyler pulls back quick]
|
| Skyler: | Beat it, chubby!
|
| Shelley: | Go on, Astroturd!
|
| Skyler: | Mmmmm [a tongue-kiss]
|
| Cartman: | I'm gonna tell my mom on you.
|
| Shelley: | Turd Rock From the Sun!
|
| Cartman: | Ey! You ate all the pizza!
|
| Shelley: | We left you some crusts! [tosses some to him]
|
| Cartman: | That does it! I'm calling my mom right now, and bustin' your ass! [she snatches the note from him and sends him into the wall with one jab]
|
| Shelley: | Guess again, Richard the Turd!
|
| Cartman: | Give me that phone number!
|
| Skyler: | Come on, babe. Let's go to the living room. [they leave]
|
| Cartman: | [rises] I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick! [thinks for a moment] Maybe I'll just use my Wild Wild West techniques and get proof that Shelley had a boyfriend over.
|
| Kitty: | [walks in] Meow.
|
| Cartman: | God damnit, Kitty, you have to calm down! Here, I'll get you some catnip. [goes to the sink, opens the doors, and starts looking]
|
| Kitty: | Meow.
|
| Cartman: | Okay, okay, I'm finding the catnip. [pulls out a box of Playful Pussy Catnip and pours some onto the floor in fron of Kitty]
|
| Kitty: | Meowrowrowrowrowrowrowrowr. [still longing for consummation, she jumps all over the kitchen knocking things over]
|
| [The living room. Skyler strums on the guitar as Shelley listens]
|
| Skyler: | Red Rocket spills my icy soul.
Demons from Hell seek the chosen one!
|
| Shelley: | You're such an amazing poet, Skyler.
|
| Skyler: | [putting the guitar aside] Isn't this guitar awesome? It's the best of its kind, and not a scratch on it. [reaches over to kiss Shelley]
|
| Shelley: | [holding him off] Skyler, not here.
|
| Skyler: | I can't help it. I see your pretty lips and I want to kiss them. [draws her close]
|
| Shelley: | [giggles] Really?
|
| Skyler: | I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish my guitar.
|
| Shelley: | Wow!
|
| Skyler: | When I make it to the big time, I'm gonna take you shopping, and buy you lots of badass stuff.
|
| Shelley: | O Skyler, I love you. [their lips lock]
|
| Skyler: | Mmmmm. [A flash bulb goes off and Shelley stands up on the sofa]
|
| Shelley: | What the-?
|
| Cartman: | [with Polaroid camera in hand and a fresh picture] Aha, charade you are! Looks like you're the turd now!
|
| Shelley: | [lunges after Cartman] Give me that picture!
|
| Cartman: | Aaaaa! [runs away, and she gives chase. He runs up the stairs, but she catches up and grabs him by the foot halfway up the stairs. He kicks her off, then hurries to his room, closing the door on her as she reaches him] Yes!
|
| Shelley: | Open this door, Turdledove!
|
| Cartman: | I think not! I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!
|
| Shelley: | Your mom doesn't get home for three more hours! That's plenty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you. [Cartman is shocked at the possibility]
|
| [The Mackey house, living room. The party is well under way. Mr. Garrison walks up to Mr. Mackey]
|
| Garrison: | [quite drunk] Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass. [his right hand jerks to the right, pulling him] No! Mr. Hat, you get back here! [walks away. The Marshes and the Broflovskis stand in front of the punch bowl]
|
| Mackey: | Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? It packs quite a whallop.
|
| Sharon: | Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.
|
| Mackey: | [offers the drink] Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers only come once in a great while. [Sharon takes it]
|
| Randy: | One little drink isn't going to hurt anything, honey. Come on, live a little.
|
| Sharon: | Well, it is kind of a special night. I guess I could… experiment. [she takes a sip]
|
| Randy: | Yeah, experiment.
|
| [The basement. Pip, Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams and Ducklers. Stan sits on the floor with his back to them, arms wrapping his knees]
|
| All three: | [dancing] Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
|
| Pip: | [all turn 'round] Wickersham tally-ho ugh. [all fall on their backs. Pip gets up] Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley?
|
| Stan: | [looks back] Yes.
|
| Dougie: | What are you? A sourpuss?
|
| Butters: | Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan. It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never been to England, but uh I'll bet the people there are really nice. [Pip walks off] Are people nice in England, Pip? I bet they are, huh? [annoyed, Stan covers his ears] They got those thick noses and all.
|
| Pip: | [looks in a box] Hey, look at this!
|
| Butters: | Uh what is it? Is it something neat? Uh I wonder what it could be. [he and Dougie reach the box and look in]
|
| Pip: | [leafing around] It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.
|
| Dougie: | [pulls out a padded bra and checks it out] Neato.
|
| Butters: | Hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we could play Charlie's Angels.
|
| Stan: | [incredulous] Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.
|
| Pip: | [hopping] Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
|
| Butters: | No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought of it.
|
| Pip: | [twirls with joy] Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's get dressed. [walks over to Stan] Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?
|
| Stan: | Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes, and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels! You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins, and leave me alone!
|
| Pip: | Well. [turns and walks away] Alrighty then.
|
| [The backyard. A hot tub sits just behind the house. Mr. Mackey leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to it]
|
| Mackey: | Here it is. I just had the hot tub put in last week.
|
| Gerald: | Wow, neat!
|
| Sheila: | It looks quite inviting.
|
| Mackey: | Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub.
|
| Sharon: | Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.
|
| Randy: | Hell, we should get in.
|
| Gerald: | Yeah.
|
| Mackey: | Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party, isn't it? Mkahy?
|
| Sharon: | Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing to wear.
|
| Mackey: | Hm huheh, that's okay. [giggles]
|
| Sheila: | No hot tob for me!
|
| Gerald: | Well, screw you guys! [disrobes and jumps in]
|
| Randy: | I'm getting in for a while, too. [disrobes and jumps in] Geronimo!
|
| Sharon: |  Oh, look at our boys, Sheila. [Randy and Gerald splash each other] It's just like they're in college again.
|
| [The basement. The Angels are dressed and ready for action, but…]
|
| Pip: | Okay, Angels, what's our mission this week?
|
| Butters: | Well, I don't know what our mission is. Do you know what our mission is, little first-grade kid?
|
| Dougie: | How should I know?
|
| Pip: | Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but we don't have a mission.
|
| Butters: | Hey, that's because we need Bosley. Uh Bosley always told the Angels what their mission was. Remember Bosley? Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to be Bosley. [strokes his chin. All three look around, but the silence alerts Stan]
|
| Stan: | [looks back displeased] What?
|
| Pip: | Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind terribly being Bosley for us?
|
| Stan: | [grudgingly] What do I have to do?
|
| Butters: | Uh you just got- you just gotta tell us what our mission is, that's all. That's all Bosley does. Just give a mission, and us Angels will accomplish it.
|
| Stan: | Alright, alright. Here's your mission. In ten minutes this room is gonna fill up with water and drown everybody. You have to find me a way out of this room, fast.
|
| Pip: | Oh, that's a splendid mission!
|
| Butters: | Well, what are we waitin' for? We've gotta find a way out of this room, by golly, or else we're gonna get drowned. Come on, Angels! [they go in different directions, but Dougie pauses]
|
| Dougie: | Which Angel am I again?
|
| [The hot tub. Gerald and Randy relax in its bubbling warmth]
|
| Randy: | Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out without the kids, huh?
|
| Gerald: | Yeah, I know what yuu mean.
|
| Randy: | I love havin' a family and all. I just… miss being able to party. Drinking and socializing, and experimenting with all kinds of different things.
|
| Gerald: | Well, that's what being young is all about. Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over. But tonight is the exception; that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar. [brushes it under his nose and sniffs it] Only 'cause I've never smoked before. [picks up a lighter and lights the cigar, then sets the lighter back]
|
| Randy: | Good idea.
|
| Gerald: | What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?
|
| Randy: | Hohn. [raises his elbows to the rim] Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me.
|
| Gerald: | Yeah! …Was that your leg?
|
| Randy: | Huh? Oh, you mean, this?
|
| Gerald: | Yeah.
|
| Randy: | Yeah. That, that was me.
|
| [The basement. Pip rushes up to Stan]
|
| Pip: | Bosley! Bosley!
|
| Stan: | [in no mood for role-playing] What, Pip?
|
| Pip: | Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan. Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.
|
| Stan: | What the hell do you want?!
|
| Pip: | Well, we've completed our mission. Jim found a way upstairs.
|
| Stan: | He did? [rises and walks to the way]
|
| Dougie: | Air shaft.
|
| Butters: | Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this old ventilation duct. And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere, and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause now we won't drown.
|
| Pip: | So Bosley, what's our next mission?
|
| Stan: | We're going upstairs.
|
| Butters: | Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin' upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we want to go upstairs for?
|
| Stan: | Because, you stupid Melvins, they have rad food and desserts upstairs! [crawls into the duct]
|
| [The hot tub]
|
| Randy: | Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there? She looks hot.
|
| Gerald: | She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin' that home.
|
| Randy: | O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would love that.
|
| Gerald: | I wish. That's the one thing I've always thought of experimenting with. A threesome
|
| Randy: | [eager to know] With two girls or two guys?
|
| Gerald: | Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean …with another guy, you know, that'd be… [ends up staring at Randy]
|
| Randy: | You, you never have a homosexual fantasy? Not that I have.
|
| Gerald: | You haven't?
|
| Randy: | No, I mean… Well, they say everybody has at some point, don't they?
|
| Gerald: | Well, I never really wanted to experiment with anything too crazy. You know… maybe just… I don't know… masturbate in front of another guy.
|
| Randy: | Yeah well, that, that's not really …gay, is it?
|
| Gerald: | NO, no, uh I don't think so.
|
| Randy: | …Well it is a night for experimenting.
|
| Gerald: | Sure is. [both of them wait for the other to make the first move, then…]
|
| Randy: | Okay, I'll start. [begins]
|
| [The Cartman house, upstairs.]
|
| Shelley: | [banging on Cartman's door] Give me that picture, turd!
|
| Cartman: | You're never gonna get this picture! Not until my mom comes home and I can prove you had a boyfriend over heuh!
|
| Shelley: | [in the hallway] I'm gonna bust this door down! [starts baning on the door again. Kitty is meowing]
|
| Cartman: | [sees his toy frog on the bed and walks over] What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog? [dons his cowboy hat]
|
| Clyde: | [with his Wild Wild West shades on] We've got to get that picture to your mom so that she will come home and save us.
|
| Cartman: | Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde Frog. [doffs his hat and sees Kitty on his dresser rubbing her ass on the wall. He walks over] Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty. I am putting this picture of the babysitter and her boyfriend on your collar. [the banging subsides] You have to take this picture to Mommy, Kitty, so that she can come home and save me. [walks to the window and sets Kitty on the sill] Now run, Kitty. Take this picture to Mommy, and lead her back here. When you return, be sure to bring Mom in through the back door. Hurry, Kitty! You're my only hope! [Kitty jumps from the window to the garage roof, then from the roof to the trashcan, then to the ground] That's it! That's it, Mr. Kitty! [Kitty ends up at the front door]
|
| Kitty: | Meow. Meow. [the door opens and Shelley takes him in]
|
| Cartman: | Oh! God damnit!
|
| [The living room. Shelley takes the picture and the door bell rings]
|
| Shelley: | Who is that?!
|
| Skyler: | Oh, I invited the guys in the band over, so that we can practice. [moves to answer the door]
|
| Shelley: | Skyler, your band can't practice here.
|
| Skyler: | Hey, do you want me to make it or not?! Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe! [opens the door and the bandmates come in] 'Sup Mark? [carrying drums] 'Sup up. Jonesy? [carrying other droms]
|
| Shelley: | Just keep the volume down! I have to go deal with Turdboy. [walks away]
|
| [Cartman's room. Shelley knocks on the door]
|
| Cartman: | Hey! Who was that?! Who came to the door?!
|
| Shelley: | [faking concern] Hey Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
|
| Cartman: | [wary] You just want me to open the door!
|
| Shelley: | We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body! We'll be right back.
|
| Cartman: | What?? Ih is she okay?
|
| Shelley: | Not really. She's dead.
|
| Cartman: | Huh?! [quickly opens the door]
|
| Shelley: | [enters] Haha! That was a turd trick. Your mom isn't really dead!
|
| Cartman: | Aha! I knew it was a turd trick, and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty is on his way right now to my mom's party with the picture!
|
| Shelley: | HAha! I knew you sent the cat, and that's why I went outside and got him!
|
| Cartman: | Haaha! I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote a letter to the press! To be opened in the case of my demise! Should anything happen to me, that letter will go out, and you will never find it!
|
| Shelley: | [walks to a dresser] You mean this one? [hold out the letter she finds]
|
| Cartman: | O-kay! Let's see heuh. Haha! Um… Aw, damnit! [he turns away defeated, and she gives him another wedgie over the head] AAAAH! [she pulls him downstairs by his underpants and enters the living room. Cartman groans at every step he hits]
|
| [living room. Shelley drags Cartman past the band and hurls him onto the coatrack]
|
| Skyler: | Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley. [points at her and winks. She sits on the sofa, happy] 1, 2, 1 2 3 4
When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
[she dances in place on the sofa]
|
| Cartman: | Aw, man, you guys suck.
|
| Skyler: |
Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
|
| Cartman: | You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
|
| Skyler: | Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley Shelley
|
| [Outside. Kitty is at Cartman's window once again. The band is heard in the background]
|
| Kitty: | Mewo, meow, meow, meow, meow.
|
| A cat: | [from a red house nearby] Meow. [Kitty looks to see where the meow coming from] Meow.
|
| Kitty: | [urgently] Meow?
|
| A cat: | Meow. [Kitty looks to make sure there's no one around, then jumps onto a car parked on the driveway and runs away. A red van is parked on the street]
|
| [Living room. Skyler's band continues playing]
|
| Skyler: | Bridge!
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of
Shelley Shelley!
|
| Cartman: | [rocks back and forth on his hook, hands to ears] Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
|
| Skyler: | Ey, shut up, tubby!
|
| Cartman: | Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are not supposed to be in heuh! [Shelley walks to the coatrack] You get out now and respect my authoritah! [she pulls Cartman down a bit so the coatrack can act like a slingshot. She lets go and Cartman hits the ceiling] Ow! [lands on his feet as Shelley turns to walk away. She stops to watch the band, and he picks her pocket to get his mom's note.]
|
| [Night. Kitty wanders the streets of South Park]
|
| Kitty: | Meow?
|
| A cat: | Meow.
|
| Kitty: | Meow?
|
| A cat: | Meow. [Kitty is near the source, but keeps looking]
|
| Kitty: | Meow? [enters a small passageway between two buildings]
|
| A cat: | Meow.
|
| Kitty: | Meow?
|
| A cat: | Meow. Meow. Meow. [an obese orange cat on his back rolls over and inches over to Kitty. Kitty looks at the camera]
|
| [Cartman's house, living room. The band finishes up]
|
| Skyler: | Yah, dude, that was hot. This guitar rocks, man! It rocks! What do you think, Shelley?
|
| Shelley: | Honestly? I think you guys need some work.
|
| Mark: | Oh, really?!
|
| Shelley: | I just think your sound is kind of… last week.
|
| Jonesy: | Oh, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!
|
| Shelley: | Well, I do have a song I wrote.
|
| Skyler: | O-kay, why don't you sing it for us?
|
| Shelley: | Nnno, Skyler, I'm embarassed!
|
| Skyler: | Hey man, don't be shy.
|
| Shelley: | Uhwwell, okay. [hops off the sofa] I'll try. But I'm not promising anything. [Skyler moves to the keyboard as Shelley hands out her music and takes the mic] 1 2 3 4
So much pain in the world today.
Too many turds are headin' my way.
But we can press our turds together.
Passing by turds whenever.
|
| Skyler: | Don't you know? Isn't…
|
| Shelley: | Life so full of happiness?
Feel free to mark my words.
But me and you, will my love do
in a world that's full of turds? TURDS!
llama judgin finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!
|
| [Cartman's room. He's taken the phone upstairs with him, extension and all, and he's called Liane]
|
| Cartman: | Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend over!
|
| Liane: | No no no no, that's impossible, hon. I told her: no visitors.
|
| Cartman: | Well, there's a whole crappy band here! ["TURDS! Llama judgin' finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!"] Can you hear them? Here. Can you hear them? [directs the receiver towards the music]
|
| Liane: | This party is very loud, boopy-kins. You'll have to speak up.
|
| Cartman: | ["TURDS! Llama judgin' finger-lovin'…"] Damnit! Her boyfriend's here! Don't you believe me?!
|
| Liane: | Not really, hon. [Mr. Mackey appears behind her] Mom has to go now! I'll be home in about an hour! [Cartman just looks at the receiver] Oh! Oh, Mr. Mackey!
|
| Mr. Mackey: | Mhm, mkay? [upset, Cartman hangs up]
|
| Cartman: | I'll never be able to prove that son of a bitch was here! [looks at his Mr. Microphone-type radio] My Speak and Record bear. Of course.
|
| [Downstairs, Shelley continues her song]
|
| Shelley: | In a world that's full of turds. TURDS!
| Mark: | [tiring of the song] Dude, this is gay!
| | Skyler: | Shut up! [Shelley stares at Mark]
| | Mark: | You shut up! Your girlfriend is not joining our band!
| | Jonesy: | Yeah, dude. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? She's like, 12.
| | Skyler: | You guys, get out! Don't question my love! My love is as pure as morning snow! Get out, I said! [his mates take their instruments and leave]
| | [The Mackey house. some activity is going on out on the street. Someone is looking at the house through night-vision scopes and taking snapshots. One of those shots is of Liane talking to her son over the phone. Five ATF agents are now seen looking at the house from across the street]
| | ATF lead: | This must be the place. They've got all kinds of crazy stuff going on in there.
| | ATF agent: | [talks into a communicator] Code 7. We believe we have found the compound. Request immediate backup. [the ATF lead looks at the house again]
| | Barbrady: | [immediate indeed, appears in the lead's sights] Okay, so just what is going on here, people?
| | ATF lead: | Get down! [pulls him into position along with the others]
| | Barbrady: | What?
| | ATF lead: | It's just like we told you, officer! There's a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts. [resumes viewing, but is interrupted]
| | Barbrady: | Are you sure?
| | ATF lead: | Of course we're sure! [points out the initials on his cap] We're the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's our job to know what these fanatics do!
| | Barbrady: | So what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?
| | ATF lead: | Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! Even if it means we have to kill each and every one of them.
| | [Out front, later. ATF trucks and tanks roll in and more agents arrive]
| | ATF lead: | What's the situation?
| | ATF agent: | [coming in from reconnaissance] Apparently, we've got at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts.
| | ATF lead: | Any luck talking to somebody in the house?
| | ATF agent: | We've tried calling, but there's no answer. I think we're gonna have to move in, sir.
| | ATF lead: | Alright. Johnson!
| | Johnson: | [a marksman, runs up] Sir!
| | ATF lead: | I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
| | Johnson: | Yes, sir! [makes his way to the front door while stopping at various points for better views. He rings the doorbell with his elbow, but doesn't wait for an answer]
| | [The Mackey house, living room. Johnson now looks around the living room, but no one seems to be alarmed at his presence. Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view]
| | Mr. Mackey: | Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay? [Johnson, surprised, lowers his guard] Would you like a meteor mai tai?
| | Johnson: | Heeey, I love mai tais! [closes the door]
| | [The living room, at the ventilation duct. Stan leads the others out]
| | Pip: | We did it! Great job, Angels!
| | Butters: | So what's our mission now, huh Bosley? Uh wha what do you want us to do now, I wonder?
| | Stan: | [mischief flashing across his face] Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set.
| | Pip: | What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
| | Stan: | I don't care, just hurry! [the Angels walk away]
| | Butters: | Well, hooray!
| | [The deck. Gerald and Randy have left the hot tub and are getting dressed. Things get awkward]
| | Gerald: | [buttoning his jacket] So uh. Well. That was certainly… interesting.
| | Randy: | [tying his shoes] …Yeah.
| | Gerald: | Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do you?
| | Randy: | No no. …Wuh what's there to regret, right? I mean…, all we did was watch each other …masturbate. That's that's not gay or anything. We said so, right?
| | Gerald: | Thuh that's right. Ir's just harmless experimenting.
| | Randy: | Well, let's get back into the party and see what everyone is doing. [turns to go in]
| | Gerald: | Hey. [Randy looks] Nothing changes between us, right? I mean, we're still friends.
| | Randy: | Um… Yeah yeah sure sure. [goes inside]
| | [Outside, the ATF agents are armed and ready to fire. The lead agent reviews the situation inside with his scopes]
| | ATF lead: | Damnit, where is Johnson?!
| | ATF agent: | No communication, sir. It doesn't look good for him.
| | ATF lead: | Those bastards!
| | [Inside. Johnson is dancing away. A couple is about to leave the party]
| | Man: | Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so much.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Well, are you sure you have to leave so early?
| | Woman: | We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again.
| | Mr. Mackey: | Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay? [waves them off and closes the door]
| | [Outside, The couple walks a few steps before two spotlights stop them in their tracks]
| | ATF lead: | [On a bullhorn] Hold it right there! Whatever it is you are intending to do, do not do it! [the man shrugs] Your freaky religious cult will not succeed in its plan!
| | Man: | What?
| | ATF lead: | Do not move, or we will be forced to shoot- [ratatatatatatat. The cuple dies and the lead lowers the bullhorn] God damnit, who was that?! [most of the agents raise their hands] Did you see them move?!
| | Agent 1: | …I did.
| | Agent 2: | Yah.
| | Agent 3: | Yeah, they moved alright.
| | [Jewbilee, The Chamber of Elders]
| | Chief Elder: | Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu. Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight, for the meteor shower, we will pray to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)
| | Elder Garth: | [losing patience] Oh, enough already? What has Moses ever done for us?
| | Chief elder: | All sects of Judaism follow the words of Moses.
| | Elder Garth: | Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is a sign of the New Time, heh. We should use it to pray to Haman and enter into a new millennium faith, and ih-
| | Chief elder: | Enough, elder! You will not speak the name of Haman here!
| | Elder Garth: | All you ever do is worship Moses, but it says in the Book of Centuries that Haman will one day lead the Jews.
| | Elder Harris: | We pray to Moses here, elder.
| | Elder Garth: | If you guys love Moses so much, why don't you marry him?!
| | Chief elder: | We accept all denominations of Judaism here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue of anti-Semites is too strange! Get out and do not return: you are no longer welcome here!
| | Elder Garth: | Fine! [goes to the door and turns] Jewbilee is the time of Haman! You will all see how wrong you are, very soon! When Haman returns from the Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and smotes Moses and all his followers into pillars of dust that would cry for their petty lives but can't, having recently been turned into dust and all, you will see! You will see thie very night! [walks out and closes the door.]
| | Chief elder: | Hello!
| | [The Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit. Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.]
| | Kyle: | Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the circle.
| | Kenny: | (What the heck are we doing?)
| | Kyle: | This is where we all stand in a circle and pray to Moses for guidance during Jewbilee.
| | Kenny: | (Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)
| | Kyle: | It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my faith and you shouldn't make fun of it!
| | Chief elder: | Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower will start soon. Let's pray to Moses for guidance. [spreads his arms out. All the Scouts close their eyes save Kenny, who looks around first, then closes them.] Moses, great leader, on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we ask for your tutelage.
| | The Scouts: | May the teachings of Moses fill our ears and our hearts respectively.
| | All: | [the elder first, then the Scouts join him one by one] O.
| | Elder Garth: | [behind a nearby tree] Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna teach them anything! [softens to pray] Do not fear, Haman. This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic Jews will once again rule the Earth.
| | [The Squirts and their leader march through the woods]
| | Squirt leader: | We are Squirts, we are Squirts. We're so kosher that it hurts.
When we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts.
[gasps. The brown bear is in front of him approaching a pile of crap] There he is, Squirts. [the bear turns up its snout, but sniffs again] Okay, Squirts. Remember the plan: immobilize and attack. Matthew, yuyou immobilize the bear with the net, then Echo team, run up and attack it with your Squirt knives. [the bear sniffs some more] Don't get too close now, just close enough to throw the net on the stupid bear. [Matthew goes forward with the net. The leader and the other Squirts hide behind some bushes and watch. The leader then barks] NOW! [the bear turns to see Matthew and growls, and Matthew throws the net on himself]
| | Matthew: | Oh, funt. [the bear takes the net and carries Matthew away] No!
| | Squirt leader: | Oh, no! [the bear disappears] Oh, God! [comes out of the bush with the Squirts] Oh, the bear took a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
| | [Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses]
| | All: | [long note] O. [the Scouts are now holding hands as they chant]
| | Kenny: | [notices some rumbling] (What's happening now?)
| | Kyle: | [looks at him] Sh. Shut up, Kenny. [rejoins the rest in chanting, the fire builds, and an inverted obelisk rises out of the fire. A face appears on it]
| | Kenny: | (WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!)
| | Kyle: | [stops long enough to say] That's Moses, stupid! [rejoins the rest in chanting]
| | Chief elder: | Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers, want to thank you a lot for coming.
| | Moses: | The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all debts be forgiven and all slaves freed. Mwaaaaaaaaaah!
| | All: |  Aaaaaaaaaah!
| | Chief elder: | Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice and be pleased. [the Scouts approach Moses one by one, offer their sculptures, and drop them off before him]
| | Kyle: | [steps up and offers his] It's a duck. [Kenny steps up, but he's just starting on his sculpture]
| | [Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries]
| | Elder Garth: | And it was foretold that the spirit of Moses would finally rest when his spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a conch shell of blind faith. Conch shell, like this one, hnee. [produces one from his robes]
| | [The Campfire.]
| | Chief elder: | Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings of macaroni pictures. They should be here any second. [walks up to Elder Harris] Where the hell are the Squirts? [Elder Harris shrugs] We need those macaroni pictures for Moses right now!
| | [South Park, an alley passageway. Kitty and the fat orange cat face each other]
| | Kitty: | Rowr! [quickly shows her ass to the orange cat, waiting for his move. The orange cat pounces on her and smothers her] (Rowrowrowrowr!) [she squeezes her way out from under him]
| | Oragne cat: | Rowr!
| | Kitty: | Rowr. [this time, she rolls on her back. He jumps on her and smothers her again] Hrowr!
| | Oragne cat: | Geuugh. [Kitty makes her way out again]
| | Kitty: | [angrily] Meowr! [the obese cat simply collapeses and sleeps] Meowuh! [seeing that the cat won't move, she leaves] Oh meah!
| | [Cartman's room. He begins recording]
| | Cartman: | [softly] Testing, testing, 1 2. [stops and rewinds, then plays the tape. The recording worked] Sweet. [Shelley enters and Cartman hides his radio]
| | Shelley: | We're going outside to watch a meteor shower! I'm locking you in your room 'til we get back in, turd!
| | Cartman: | Okay. See you in a while.
| | Shelley: | Wha-?
| | Cartman: | Will you tell me what they look like? The meteor shower. They mostly come every few years, mostly.
| | Shelley: | What the hell is wrong with you?! How come you're not yelling and whining?!
| | Cartman: | Well, I just, I kind of like having you around.
| | Shelley: | What?! No you don't!
| | Cartman: | No. Um seriously. See, I never had a brother or a sister. I think people that have a brother or a sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but you know there's always somebody there, somebody that's family. [Shelley's face softens] I wonder if, well, maybe sometimes, I could pretend like you're my big sister. And you could kind of, watch over me. You know, like, we could watch a meteor shower together sometime. Heh, and I could pretend I'm somebody's brother, if only for a day.
| | Shelley: | …Oh, all right, get your turd coat. You can come see the meteor shower with us.
| | Cartman: | Yuh, you mean it?
| | Shelley: | But don't bug me and Skyler! Come on!
| | Cartman: | Hooray! [Shelley exits, Cartman speaks softly] Yes. I'm gonna have your and your boyfriend's voices on my Speak and Record bear, and then you'll mostly never babysit me again! Mostly.
| | [Jewbilee, the woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear. He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED RAT grains onto the bait]
| | Squirt leader: | Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes rat poison. [reviews his work] Well now, that'll be enough to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the tray! [the Squirts start heaving] Chutzpah badge, here I come. [the bear shows up and growls] Yikes! [runs for the bushes and reaches the Squirts] Okay, here he comes. Easy now. Easy, Squirts. [the bear comes closer, sniffing] Okay, Squirt, lower the tray. [the Squirt begins to lower it] That's it. That's it, you God-damned stupid bearface! [the bear rears up and pounces on the tray, jerking the rope.]
| | Squirt: | Aaah! [the leader gasps. The Squirt is pulled into the air and lands in the tray] Ah! [the bear carries him off] AAAAH!
| | Squirt leader: | Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!
| | Ike: | Mommy.
| | Squirt leader: | [steps out of the bush with the Squirts] You think you can stop me from getting my Chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?! Think again!
| | [The Campfire. The Scouts now sing "Kumbaya," a spiritual]
| | All: | Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. O Lord, Kumbaya.
| | Chief elder: | Great and honorable Moses, what do you desire from us, your children?
| | Moses: | I desire… [the elders and the Scouts await anxiously] I desire… mamaroni pictures.
| | Chief elder: | Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures are coming right away. Uh, anything else you want from us, O great leader of the people?
| | Moses: | I desire… popcorn necklaces.
| | Chief elder: | You heard him. Get to making popcorn necklaces right away! [the elders and Scouts scatter] All you need is some popcorn, and a needle and thread. [Kenny finishes his sculpture, which is of himself, as the last few Scouts leave. He then offers it and leaves it on the pile]
| | Moses: | Hold! [Kenny stops in his tracks as Kyle looks on. Kenny looks at Moses.] There is… an impurity.
| | Garth: | [still behind the tree] Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.
| | Chief elder: | [the Scouts gasp and Kenny droops] An impurity, Moses?
| | Moses: | This child here is not kosher.
| | Kenny: | (Uh oh.) [Garth looks, curious. Kyle rushes to Kenny's side, and the Scouts move in on them.] (Help me, Kyle! What are we gonna do?)
| | Kyle: | Don't worry. I know what to do.
| | Chief elder: | Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?! [the Scouts grow angry]
| | Kyle: | Elder, It's not my fault. He told me he was Jewish.
| | Kenny: | (What?!)
| | Chief elder: | A non-Jew has inflitrated Jew Scouts and looked upon the face of Moses! He must be dealt with!
| | Kenny: | (I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want. He's the one who tried to get me in here, and you know it.)
| | Chief elder: | You are banished from here. You must leave before the great eating of carrot cake.
| | Kenny: | (What?!)
| | Kyle: | He doesn't get cake??
| | Moses: | No cake for the impurity!
| | Chief elder: | Go now. You do not belong here. [points to the woods. Kenny comes out of the middle of the group and walks towards the woods. Kyle is sad for him. Kenny looks back, then faces forward and walks on]
| | Moses: | [spins around and around] Aaaaaaaah! [the others turn to see what's happening.]
| | Elder Garth: | [prostrated, with conch in hand] Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan shtud!
| | Chief elder:: | Elder, what are you doing?!
| | Elder Garth: | [now standing with hands outstretched] Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
| | Elder Harris: | He's reading from the Book of Haman!
| | Elder Garth: | Enter the conch shell, Moses! [thrusts the shell forward]
| | Moses: | [spins and shrinks to fit in the shell] Eo! Eh! Diu! [disappears into the shell]
| | Elder Garth: | And there you shall stay, trapped for all eternity!
| | Chief elder: | Elder, what have you done?
| | Elder Garth: | I told you, the meteor shower is the time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee now!
| | Elder: | [from Orientation] Release Moses, now!
| | Elder Garth: | [pulls out a gun] I don't think so! [all gasp]
| | Scout: | When do we get to eat carrot cake?
| | Elder Garth: | Now. All of you into that building, or I shoot you where you stand!
| | Chief Elder: | Elder, you cannot mean-.
| | Elder Garth: | Move! [drives them towards the building. Kenny peeks out from behind a tree. Garth follows the last of the Scouts to the door, closes it, and padlocks it. He descends the steps and heads for the campfire as the others look on through the window, frightened]
Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!
| | Kyle: | Dude, what the hell is going on?!
| | Chief elder: | If he summons Haman, we will all be destroyed.
| | Kenny: | (Oh no!)
| | [The woods. The Squirts still march]
| | Squirt leader: | We are Jew Squirts, we know Jewish
Stick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smiley
dur dur dur dur dur-
Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him! [the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]
| | Squirt: | Ah! Aaaah! [the bear rushes away]
| | Squirt leader: | [not missing a beat] Remember, this is only a bear. All we have to do is stick together, and we can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches! [turns and counts his troop] Where's Zigmo?
| | Ike: | Noh.
| | Squirt leader: | God-damnit! You stupid God-damned son of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt! Do you hear me?!
| | [The Cartman backyard. Skyler and Shelley sit on a bench, Cartman stands off to the side in front of them]
| | Cartman: | [recording] Yes, yes, what a beautiful night! It is Saturday the 12th at 10:45, and my mother is away at a party right now.
| | Shelley: | Shut up, turd!
| | Cartman: | That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter, Shelley Marsh, who is twelve.
| | Shelley: | What are you doing?
| | Cartman: | I'm just thinking out loud. [walks over to the bench and sits with his back to Skyler] Do you have anything to say, Skyler, Shelley's boyfriend who is sitting right heuh?
| | Shelley: | Go away, turd!
| | Cartman: | I'm sorry. Did you say something, Skyler? [Skyler simply bumps him off the bench] Agh!
| | [South Park. Kitty walks around looking for some action]
| | Kitty: | Meow [a bunch of other cats answer her call. They are all sitting by some steps. She walks over, sticks her ass in the air, and the other cats jump her]
| | [The Mackey house, inside, several men gather around Jimbo and Randy.]
| | Jimbo: | Well, I tell you what: we may not have Elway this year, but Brister won every game he started in last year.
| | Burly man: | Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart of the team. Who's the leader now?
| | Blond man: | I think the Jets are gonna be the team to beat this year in the AFC.
| | Randy: | Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?
| | Jimbo: | …What??
| | Randy: | Well I just… I have this buddy, uh, he, sat and watched another guy …play with himself.
| | Burly man: | Well… Let's go kick his ass!
| | Other men: | Yeah!
| | Jimbo: | Where is he?!
| | Randy: | Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.
| | Burly man: | Aw! [the men disperse]
| | Gerald: | [walks up] Hey, Randy. What are you doing? [pats him on the back]
| | Randy: | [subdued] Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some chips.
| | Gerald: | Can I come with you?
| | Randy: | [softly] Okay. [rolls his eyes]
| | [Mackey's bedroom. Butters leads Stan inside]
| | Butters: | Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell, it was my idea. [Pip and Dougie are already inside, waiting] Uh I got to thinkin', "Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?" and then I remembered that lots of grownups have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So, so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and er and sure enough, here it was.
| | Stan: | Rad! [hops on the bed and starts switching channels]
| | Pip: | Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and a TV set. So what's our next mission?
| | Stan: | There are no more missions. I have everything I want. [four shows and a commercial pass by as he channel-surfs.]
| | Butters: | Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat are we supposed to do? We're Angels. Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
| | Stan: | [annoyed] Just… play something else! God!
| | Pip: | Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.
| | [Breaking news]
| | Reporter: | Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts.
| | Stan: | Whoa, cool!
| | Dougie: | I wanna be a reporter someday.
| | Reporter: | Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house. [footage of it is shown] According to the ATF, the couple refused to cooperate, then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everyone. The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple, and now a standoff has ensued.
| | Pip: | Oh, looks like that cult is about to be blown into tiny bits.
| | Reporter: | The ATF commander tells us that he has reason to believe there may be children inside and that they are the primary concern of all. There are choppers here along with several tanks. [choppers and tanks are heard coming in] The commander is very concerned about what the mood is inside.
| | Stan: | [as the reporter speaks] Wait a minute [hops off the bed and walks towards the window. He looks out] Oh my God! [runs back to the others] Dude! That's this house. They think our parents are the religious cult!
| | Dougie: | Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
| | Reporter: | We just received a photo from the recon team of the action inside the house [Stan looking out the window just moments before] showing eveidence that there are indeed innocent children trapped inside. Those sick cult fanatic bastards!
| | Stan:: | Dude!
| | Butters: | Hey, uhour parents aren't religious fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them that they're makin' an awful mistake, don't we?
| | Pip: | Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we have a new mission.
| | [The living room. Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing, oblivious to the commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his hands to his eyes, his mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him]
| | Gerald: | [sits] Randy, you're making me feel unimportant. Talk. Talk, damn you.
| | Randy: | I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot tub.
| | Gerald: | So, so now we can't be friends?
| | Randy: | I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know, I… I just feel so strange. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like people here know. You know? Like, even though nobody could know, 'cause we said we'd never tell anybody.
| | Gerald: | We said we'd never tell anybody?
| | Randy: | [now cross] Well, of course we wouldn't.
| | Gerald: | Oh, uh I didn't realize that. [looks away ashamed]
| | Randy: | [sensing betrayal] Yuh… You didn't …tell anybody, did you?
| | Gerald: | Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.
| | Randy: | [hushed] What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
| | Gerald: | You didn't say not to tell anyone.
| | Randy: | [hushed] Well, of course! I thought it would be implied! When you masturbate with another guy in a hot tub, you assume that nobody is gonna tell anybody! [looks around in desperation to make sure no one else is listening]
| | Gerald: | Listen to you. You're yelling at me; you've never yelled at me before.
| | Randy: | AAAW!! [jumps up and hurries away]
| | Stan: | [rushes out with the others in tow] Hey you guys! We've got a big problem! [sees everyone quite drunk. A naked man dances by with a lampshade on his head] The ATF is outside and they think you're all a religious cult. You've gotta go talk to them. [the adults didn't hear him]
| | Butters: | Huh how come they're actin' that way, Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin' and fallin' down and such?
| | Stan: | [sees his mom waddle by] Mom, go look outside.
| | Sharon: | [drunk, with mai tai in hand] Mommy's little boopie-kins [falls down and out]
| | Butters: | Uh let me handle this, Stan. [walks forward] Uh now l-listen up and listne good, everyone! Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin' and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh if you don't get outside right now, and tell those army guys you're not religious fantastics, there's, why there's gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell ya! [The adults laugh and his face drops]
| | Stan: | Come on, we're gonna have to go tell 'em ourselves. [walks to the door. The others follow]
| |  [Outside. The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door closes. The spotlights come on and the commander takes up the bullhorn]
| | ATF lead: | Lay down your weapons!
| | Stan: | We don't have any weapons.
| | ATF lead: | Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully, and we will not shoot them. [ratatatat]
| | Butters: | Whoa!
| | Stan: | Get back inside! [opens the door and the boys hurry in]
| | ATF lead: | I don't think they're gonna come out. Use the Ganz technique.
| | Barbardy: | What's the Ganz techique?
| | ATF lead: | This is what we did in Waco. [two monster speakers are moved into place on either side of the front of the house. A technician readies the large CD player] Play really bad music really loud until it drives them nuts and makes them want to come out. [the technician presses a button and a garbled song plays] Nobody can stand this much Cher. This is her new album. If this doesn't drive them out, nothing will.
| | [Living room, the stereo. Mr. Mackey turns on the very same song and starts dancing to it]
| | Garrison: | That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What is that?
| | Mackey: | Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
| | Garrison: | Well, hell, turn it up.
| | [Living room, away from the stereo. Randy is walking around. Two men talk in the foreground]
| | Goateed man: | Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I I heard that he's gay.
| | Other man: | Oh, is he?
| | Randy: | [runs up] Who?!
| | Goateed man: | Huh?
| | Randy: | Who who did you hear is, is gay?!
| | Goateed man: | Ricky Martin, the singer.
| | Randy: | Oh. [the two men walk away as Gerald approaches]
| | Gerald: | Hey, Randy, what's up?
| | Randy: | [tenses up] What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
| | Gerald: | Huh?
| | Randy: | Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with your wife right now?
| | Gerald: | Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to you.
| | Randy: | There's nothing to talk about.
| | Gerald: | You're having regrets, aren't you?
| | Randy: | No, I-… I don't know.
| | Gerald: | Hey. Talk to me.
| | Randy: | No!
| | Gerald: | I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.
| | Randy: | Will you stop it?! I don't… I just…
| | Gerald: | Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need to talk about it, but I sure do.
| | Randy: | Aaww! [rushes away] Sharon? [finds her at a table and genuflects] Sharon, cuh can we go?
| | Sharon: | [swaying] Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even started yet.
| | Randy: | [his voice grows urgent] Uh I know, but I want to make love to you right now. I have to make love to you right now.
| | Sharon: | Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party. Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!
| | Randy: | Ogh, I already did.
| | Stan: | [rushes up with the other boys] Dad! Dad, they shot at us.
| | Randy: | Not now, Stanley. [gets up and walks away. Stan watches him go, then turns to Sharon]
| | Stan: | Mom!
| | Sharon: | Whoopee! [gets up, and the bowl of chips drops to the ground. She faints on the table. Stan looks around, not sure how he can rouse the adults to action, drunk as they are.]
| | Butters: | [panicking] Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh uh they shot at us! They really shot at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and all our families.
| | Stan: | [slaps Butters across the face with a backhand and grabs him by the collar] Get ahold of yourself, man! [lets go]
| | Butters: | How come you slapped my face, Stan, huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do that, anyways?
| | Stan: | Come on. We have to find out what's happening. [leads the other boys to the bedroom]
| | [Mackey's bedroom. The boys enter and check out the news again.]
| | Reporter: | I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the commander of the ATF. Commander, what is the latest?
| | Ganz: | We have not had any cooperation with the cult inside the house. They are refusing to come out, and apparently they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor shower starts, which should be any moment now.
| | Dougie: | See how reporters get to wear those cool jackets? That's why I wanna be a reporter.
| | Reporter: | So what are your plans, commander?
| | Ganz: | Right now, our plan is to burn the house down. If we set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out.
| | Butters: | Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do, huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-
| | Stan: | Sh!
| | Reporter: | Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous, commander.
| | Ganz: | It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.
| | Stan: | We have to let them know that this isn't a cult party.
| | Pip: | But we can't. They'll just shoot at us again.
| | Butters: | Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife uh… Oh, hold on.
| | Stan: | Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission. And this time, it's for real. [walks off]
| | [Outside. The reporter continues]
| | Reporter: | For hours now, the ATF has tried to communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house. The meteor shower is expected to begin at any moment, and so time is running out.
| | [Inside, the party continues.]
| | Mackey: | Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again, hm huh hnmkay? [Harold is wearing a lampshade, but he's fully dressed. The camera moves to the crowd, then to the ground, where Dougie is standing with microphone in hand]
| | Dougie: | This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the meteor shower party. [Stan is filming, Butters is cueing] As youu can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us. [aside] Anything else?
| | Stan: | Tell them not to burn us down.
| | Dougie: | Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill Munroe, GFN news.
| | Pip: | Now what do we do?
| | Stan: | [removing the tape from the camera] Now we find a way to get this tape to the real reporters.
| | Dougie: | Hey, I'm a real reporter.
| | Stan: | You're right. You are, Dougie. You did an awesome job. [Dougie smiles]
| | [Outside, Ganz is back behind the firing line with the bullhorn]
| | Ganz: | Attention, cult people! Do not commit mass suicide! There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for instance. And backrobs. [turns off the bullhorn and listens for a moment] Alright, I'm through trying to reason with them. Send in the Negotiator! [a large truck hauls a large cannon in. The barrel of the cannon reads, "NEGOTIATOR"]
| | Reporter: | [approaches] Excuse me, but what proof do you have that those people inside are religious fanatics?
| | Ganz: | We know what we're doing. We did this all before in Waco.
| | Reporter: | Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco. You killed a bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves.
| | Ganz: | [holds out a beanie baby] Look. You see this? You see this?
| | Reporter: | Yes.
| | Ganz: | You see it? You see it? Go get it. [throws it away to his left] Go get it! [the reporter soon moves in the direction of the throw] Alright, let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass!
| | [Inside. Randy is scarfing down some nachos at the snack table, and Gerald approaches him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil eye, then moves to the mai tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers at him]
| | Gerald: | Having a good time?
| | Randy: | Yeah, swell! Could I just… have a few minutes alone?
| | Gerald: | I'm not gonna let you change on me, Randy. Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I won't let it change our friend-
| | Randy: | [irritated, interrupts] We did not share an intimate moment, okay?! That makes it sound gay! [walks away]
| | [Outside. The front door opens and six guests exit]
| | Guest: | Good night, everyone.
| | Ganz: | Look out! [ratatatatatatatatatat. Screams are heard as the guests are hit. The guests die on the spot] Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm. [on the bullhorn] People at the door! That was a warning! Go back inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender! [the Negotiator is aimed right at the front door]
| | [The boys are in Mr. Mackey's bedroom. From outside, the boys are seen looking out the window]
| | Stan: | Oh no, we're out of time! [hops down and moves away. He ties some rope around Butters' middle] Are you sure you can do this, Butters?
| | Butters: | Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?
| | Stan: | We're just gonna slide you down this rope, and then you've gotta get our exclusive video to that reporter down there. [hands him the video]
| | Butters: | Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.
| | Stan: | Can you hit a target, Pip?
| | Pip: | [with bow and plunger] I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire. [pulls back on the bow]
| | Stan: | Hit something nice and solid now. [Pip releases the plunger, with rope attached, and it lands on the left side of Barbrady's head. Barbrady moves just a bit, then sips his coffee]
| | Pip: | [pulls the rope taut] I think that's got it.
| | Stan: | Nice job, Pip.
| | Pip: | Did I do a nice job? Really?
| | Stan: | Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn. [he and Dougie help Butters onto the window sill and hook him up to the rope]
| | Butters: | Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh. I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think reconsiderin' is the thing to do right now. [Dougie pushes him off] Waaah! [slides down to Barbrady and bounces off the hook] Gooh. [runs to the reporter]
| | Stan: | He made it down. [Pip and Dougie grin]
| | [Outside.]
| | Ganz: | Alright, people, prepare to fire on my command! [the agents take aim]
| | Butters: | Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?
| | Reporter: | Huh?
| | Butters: | Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive video for you, sir. [hands it to the reporter, who inspects it]
| | [Inside, living room. Randy stands alone in the middle of the crowd, despondent]
| | Gerald: | [walks up] Honey?
| | Randy: | [hushed] God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody knows.
| | Gerald: | Everybody doesn't know. And why are you so ashamed of me?
| | Randy: | What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and talkative and-!
| | Gerald: | I just want to know it meant something to you.
| | Randy: | It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry! [the music stops] All we did was watch each other masturbate in the hot tub! [people turn and stare. One man gasps and Sharon lifts her head from the floor]
| | Man in briefs: | Aw, I was just in the hot tub. [a man next to him pulls away]
| | Randy: | Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it would be exciting, and maybe it was, but I can't deal with your accusing stares! [shots of various people looking at him] We watched each other jack off in the hot tub! There! We did it! I'm not proud of it, but there it is!
| | Mackey: | Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate; I've done it.
| | Ned: | Mmm-me too. [other men begin to answer]
| | Man 1: | Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.
| | Man 2: | Yep.
| | Man 3: | Yup.
| | Man 4: | Uh huh.
| | Man 5: | Me too.
| | Man 6: | Myeup, me too.
| | Man 7: | Yup.
| | Jimbo: | Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With Cameron here. [points to the burly man who spoke earlier]
| | Mackey: | [music resumes] Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more dip, please, Juanita? [she goes to do it, and conversation resumes among the guests]
| | Randy: | You mean it? I'm not gay?
| | Jimbo: | [walks up] Hwell… maybe a little. But we're all a little gay.
| | Randy: | Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!
| | Gerald: | So we're friends again?
| | Randy: | Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! I feel like I could take on the world! Everything's gonna be okay!
| | [Outside. The Negotiator is rolled into placed and aimed once more]
| | Ganz: | Alright everyone, fire!
| | Reporter: | [runs in front of the cannon and waves his arms] Hold on just a minute! This is Derek Samlls reporting. We have just received an exclusive video from inside the house [holds it up], proving that the people inside are not cultists after all.
| | Ganz: | [to an agent] Uh oh. [runs to address the agents and waves his arms] Uh uh attention everyone! This has only been a test. Good job, men, on this, uh, simulation.
| | Blond agent: | Simulation?
| | Ganz: | [to the blond] Sh. [to all] All is well. Do not shoot at [BOOM. The cannonball hits a house behind Mackey's, then bounces to crush another, then another, and yet another. Stan, Pip, and Dougie rush outside to join the reporter.]
| | Pip: | O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day! [Butters joins them]
| | Ganz: | Woops.
| | ATF agent: | Sir, this isn't gonna look good.
| | Ganz: | You're right. Quick, let's get out of here! [in the blink of an eye, every ATF agent and vehicle rushes away, leaving a clear road]
| | [Jewbilee, the Campire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.]
| | Elder Garth: | And the Ancient One looked upon Haman as the new leader of the people! [clouds roll in and the winds whip Elder Garth's hair around] And it was the night that stars flew around the sky! [the meteor shower goes by] Yes! Yess!!
| | Chief elder: | If he summons Haman, it will be the end of everything we hold dear.
| | Scout: | I wanna go home.
| | [The Cartman backyard. Meteors flash across the sky. Skyler tries to kiss Shelley. Cartman stands close to the house with his Speak and Record bear in full view]
| | Skyler: | Yeah! Come on! Give it up!
| | Shelley: | No.
| | Skyler: | Give it up, babe!
| | Shelley: | NO!
| | Skyler: | Come on, babih!
| | Shelley: | [pushes him off] No, Skyler, I'm not putting out for you!
| | Skyler: | Why the hell not?!
| | Shelley: | 'Cause I'm twelve! [Cartman moves up a bit]
| | Skyler: | You're not putting out for me?
| | Shelley: | No!
| | Skyler: | Well then, screw you, bitch! I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will!
| | Shelley: | What?? But I thought you liked me.
| | Skyler: | If you're not puttin' out, then I'm movin' on! There's plenty of chicks like you out there! [she looks forsaken, Cartman draws closer] Screw you, prude bitch! Me and my badass guitar are going home! Hasta!
| | Cartman: | Gotcha! [Skyler drives away in the red van]
| | [The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and tries to stop it]
| | Kenny: | (Stop!) [a red car speeds by. Kenny watches it leave, then hears more vehicles coming] (Officer Barbrady, I really need to talk to you!) [Barbrady and the ATF speed by as well] (Shit!)
| | [The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.]
| | Squirt leader: | That bear thinks he can outsmart me! Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get the- [gasp] Hold! Look over there! [a figure resembling a Squirt stands alone in a clearing in front of a cliff] It's one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe he's okay. [takes the Squirts over to the figure to make sure. They arrive, only to see a straw Squirt - straw dressed in a Squirt uniform. The Squirt leader looks at the straw Squirt long and hard before deciding] IT'S A TRAP!! [jumps out of the way as a net descends and traps the rest of the Squirts. The full net rises to a high branch; the bear comes to the edge of the cliff and carries it away] Damn! Damn damn damn! Okay, bear, that does it! You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You can have 'em! I give up! I don't need my Chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or any of this crap! Forget it!
| | [The campfire. The meteor shower continues]
| | Elder Garth: | Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule his people once again!
| | Chief elder: | No! [Kenny walks into the camp again]
| | Elder Garth: | We await your return, Haman! [Kenny stops to see Elder Garth at work] Your passage is safe from the enemies!
| | Kenny: | [the bear finds him and carries him off] (Ah!)
| | [The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door, but fails]
| | Chief Elder: | It's hopeless.
| | Elder: | Haman will be summoned and we will be forced to obey him, or die. [the Scouts are scared]
| | Elder Harris: | Uh I'm fine with obeying.
| | Elder: | Yeah, obeying should work out swell. [!]
| | Kyle: | Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about Kenny. Kenny will help us.
| | Elder 2: | How?
| | Kyle: | Kenny will find a way.
| | [The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.]
| | Kenny: | (Haaarrrrrh!) [the bear drops him off and leaves the cave] (Huh?)
| | Squirt: | Hey, welcome to the party. [Kenny studies the scene] See this li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.
| | Squirt 2: | Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over to play with him.
| | Bear cub: | Mrar.
| | Kenny: | (Aw.) [the momma bear comes and licks a Squirt's face, and the Squirt laughs] (Okay, you guys, we've gotta get back to the camp and …)
| | Squirt: | They are? Uh oh.
| | Kenny: | (Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're already God-damned late!)
| | Squirt: | Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
| | All: | Yeah! [everyone, including the cub, races out of the cave]
| | [The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone]
| | Squirt leader: | Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts! I lost all the Squirts! [no answer] Well, screw you too! I don't need your Chutzpah badge anyway! Hello? [in the building behind him, heads rise from under the window sill]
| | Elder Schwartz | [the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!
| | Shlomo: | [Squirt leader] What the Jeez? [turns and walkd towards the hostages] What are you guys doing in there?
| | Elder Schwartz | Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts jump up and down]
| | Schlomo: | What?!
| | Elder Schwartz: | [now points] Get the keys and unlock the door!
| | Schlomo: | [doesn't understand what Schwartz is saying, but gives his own news] I lost the Squirts! [Elder Garth appears behind him]
| | Elder Schwartz: | Look out!
| | Schlomo: | Huh? [turns to face Garth]
| | Elder Garth: | Don't move!
| | Schlomo: | [backs up quick] Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??
| | Elder Garth: | It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!
| | Schlomo: | You can't wake Haman. What would Moses say?
| | Elder Garth: | Moses is trapped for all eternity in the conch of blind faith!
| | Schlomo: | [sees the shell and dives for it] Oh, no you don't! [grabs it, but Farth shoots him. The bullet grazes Schlomo's right shoulder, which he then covers with his left hand, dropping the shell] OOWW!!
| | Elder Garth: | Enough of this waste of time! [turns and goes back to the campfire. Once there, he reaches for the Book of Haman] Haman! The Great Summoning is done! Upon these words let your spirit come! Einich! Hos!
| | Elder Schwartz: | It is lost.
| | Elder Garth: | Zayak. Kareem! [Kenny comes up behind him]
| | Kenny: | (Woohoo!) [takes off with the book]
| | Elder Garth: | Hey, give that back! [chases Kenny into the woods. The Squirts line up before the window where the hostages await]
| | Elder Schwartz: | It's the Squirts.
| | Kyle: | Go, Ike!
| | Elder Schwartz: | Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are up there.
| | Elder Harris: | They'll never reach.
| | Squirt: | Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation. [the Squirts hurry and climb up one on top of another to form a human pillar]
| | [The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny]
| | Elder Garth: | Give me that book! [knocks Kenny down]
| | Kenny: | (Ow!) [gives up the book, and Garth kicks him]
| | Elder Garth: | Haman will deal with you! [kicks him again]
| | Kenny: | (Ow!)
| | [The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out. Elder Harris moves out into the open]
| | Elder Harris: | Oh, no. It's too late!
| | Elder Garth: | Ramek shtud! [lightning strikes the ground. Nearby, the bear returns and gets the conch shell. She moves away, only to take it to Kenny, who receives it. The bear growls and leaves. Meteors continue to shower down as a black cloud with a pair of red eyes appears among the gathering clouds]
| | Kyle: | What is that?
| | Elder Schwartz: | It is Haman.
| | Elder Garth: | Yes! Yes! [Kenny tries to break the conch shell open on a rock, then against the tree, but it doesn't break.]
| | Haman: | Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned me!
| | Elder Garth: | [now prostrate before Haman] Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!
| | Kyle: | Look! [Kenny comes into the clearing and throws the shell against the snow several times.]
| | Kenny: | (It's okay, I'll use my head!) [faces the shell and throws his head back]
| | Kyle: | Kenny! Noooooo!
| | Kenny: | (Heeeeeyah! Ugh!) [the headbutt opened the shell alright, but Kenny falls back on his side as Moses comes out of the broken shell]
| | Haman: | Moses! Nooo!
| | Elder Garth: | Nooo! Eheh. Nooo! [Moses rises into the sky, absorbs Haman, and reclaims his place above the campfire. Elder Garth turns to face him again] Moses. Uh I, I apologize for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh you see, I was just uh-
| | Moses: | Die! [lightning comes out of both his eyes and nukes Garth until Garth explodes]
| | Elder Garth: | No! Aaaaaah! Ooww! [poof]
| | All: | [gathering] Hooray!
| | Kyle: | Kenny! [runs to Kenny, who now lies in a pool of blood. The others follow]
| | Elder Harris: | That blow to his head must have killed him.
| | Elder Carn: | He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
| | Kyle: | You know, I think we all learned something today. It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatists. And being a separatist sucks ass.
| | Elder Harris: | We've learned a lot from you and your great friend, Kenny.
| | Moses: | [joins them next to Kenny] Every year we shall gather here in this special place and bring Kenny tidings of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
| | Elder Harris: | Yes.
| | Moses: | And those little shaker things where… you put beans inside of paper plates that are glued together.
| | Elder Harris: | Paper-plate bean shakers.
| | Moses: | And let us put patterns of glue on the outside of those paper plates so we can then pour glitter on them so they can look nice and sparkly.
| | Elder Schwartz: | You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!
| | [The Cartman living room. Shelley sits on the sofa crying, her face buried in her hands. Cartman comes dancing in]
| | Cartman: | Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
Oh wicky wicky Wild West!
Shelley, guess who's busted! [Shelley continues crying] Hey! I said, guess who's busted! [Shelley doesn't seem to realize he's there] Eh, you're not gonna trick me, I've got the goods on you!
| | Shelley: | [between tears] I don't care. [cries some more, then pours out her emotions] He acted like he really liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before. [now Cartman softens] I can't believe I trusted him. I'm so stupid.
| | Cartman: | Well, Shelley, he's 22. What, what were you doing with him anyway?
| | Shelley: | Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly.
| | Cartman: | You're not ugly.
| | Shelley: | You don't think so?
| | Cartman: | Well, you're pretty ugly, but, you don't have to be dating 22-year olds. I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year old girls?
| | Shelley: | You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish I could get him back! I just don't know how.
| | Cartman: | Weh-hull, I could ask Artemus Clyde Frog. He would know.
| | Shelley: | Huh?
| | Cartman: | If you want, I could help you.
| | Shelley: | Really? You would do that?
| | Cartman: | Just let me get my cowboy hat.
| | [Outside. Kitty returns to the house, opens the front door, and enters]
| | Kitty: | Mreow? Mreow? Mreow! [the other cats come in and make themselves at home. Kitty turns on the stereo and music blares from the speakers. More cats come]
| | [Skyler's pad. He sits on his sofa strumming his guitar. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up, opens it, and looks down. Clyde is there]
| | Skyler: | What the hell is this?!
| | Polly: | Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek. Is anybody there? [she lies next to the bear, which is playing the voices]
| | Skyler: | Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot. [goes into the woods to find her]
| | Cartman: | [dressed as James West, reaches the open door] Okay, it's clear. [Stands watch as Shelley makes her way inside]
| | [The woods.]
| | Polly: | Over here! Please, come quick! [Skyler moves towards the voice]
| | [Skyler's pad. Cartman stands watch as Shelley gets to work]
| | Cartman: | We don't have much time!
| | Shelley: | This won't take me long!
| | [The Cartman house. The front door remains wide open as music blares from inside. Cats are all over the living room. Kitty bring a box of Playful Pussy catnip from outside and pours out the catnip. The other cats rush towards it and divide amongst themselves. One cat makes lines of it so he can snort it, another snacks on a slice of pizza. Others sip from beer bottles. Some cats come towards Kitty and she shows her ass again.]
| | [Skyler's pad. Cartman grows impatient]
| | Cartman: | Hurry up in there!
| | Shelley: | I'm almost done.
| | [The woods. Skyler is looking…]
| | Skyler: | Hello-o? Hello-o, Mrs. Hayek?
| | Polly: | Over here! Please help me! I am lost and I have no clothes!
| | Skyler: | [to himelf] No clothes, right.
| | [Skyler's pad. Shelley finishes up]
| | [The woods. The search continues…]
| | Polly: | I'm over here! Please help me! I will reward you greatly!
| | Skyler: | Right here, Miss Hayek!
| | Polly: | Oh, please help me!
| | Skyler: | What the? [sees the Speak and Record bear and Polly Prissy Pants on the ground]
| | Polly: | Please help me! I will give you tacos!
| | Skyler: | Dude, somebody tricked me! I'll make you pay for making me come out here, God damnit! [rushes home and enters] Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night! [gasps loudly. His guitar is in pieces and buried in kitty litter. Shards of wood are arranged to read "King Turd" in front of the neck of the guitar] My guitar! NOOOOO!
| | [The Mackey house, outside. Derek stands outside with Stan and the Melvins]
| | Derek: | Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys.
| | Dougie: | Wow, you mean that?
| | Derek: | Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams. [walks away with the tape]
| | Butters: | Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!
| | Pip: | There. Angels, I must say I think we did a smashing job.
| | Butters: | Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya.
| | Stan: | But you know, I learned something today. I used to call you guys Melvins. But you're just kids, like me. We separate you in school because you talk different and you study too hard, but we've proven tonight that we can all get along.
| | Butters: | Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?
| | Kyle: | [shows up] Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would not believe the night I had.
| | Stan: | You?! You think you had a bad night?! I had to hang out all night with these friggin' Melvins!
| | Kyle: | Hoh, dude, weak.
| | Stan: | Super weak.
| | Kyle: | Come on. I'll tell you all about what happened to me. [goes inside with Stan and Ike, leaving the Melvins outside sad.]
| | [The Cartman house. Shelley and Cartman return home]
| | Cartman: | That was sooo cool! I wish we could've seen his face!
| | Shelley: | [faces him at the door] Thanks for all your help, Eric. You know, as far as turds go, you're okay. [opens the door, and they both are shocked at what they see]
| | Cartman: | Oh my God! [the orgy is well under way]
| | Shelley: | They're having a cat orgy!
| | Cartman: | You are all very bad kitties! That is a bad, bad kitty!
| | Shelley: | Your mom's gonna get home soon. We're gonna get busted!
| | Cartman: | [gets the catnip and holds it up high] Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on. [points the way out, then goes towrads the door. The cats follow] That's it. Come on, come on. [opens the door, only to find Skyler waiting for him] Uh oh.
| | Skyler: | You two ruined my career! I'm gonna get you! [Cartman throws the catnip at him and scores] Umph [the cats jump him] Ogh! Oh! Owey! Owwey! Duewy! Oh! [horror and then glee appear on the faces of Cartman and Shelley] Oh, you ate my penis off! Oh my God! Oohh mmy Ggoodd!
| | Shelley: | Come on! We've got to get the house clean before your mom gets home. [they go back inside and close the door] You know, Eric. It's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends.
| | Cartman: | Yeah. I think we get along okay.
| | Liane: | [enters] Hi, kids. I'm home.
| | Cartman: | Heh. [all are afraid. Two cats hide behind Kitty] Mom! Uh I can explain. It was all Shelley's fault! She didn't watch the cat!
| | Shelley: | No! It's Eric's fault. He let those cats in here.
| | Liane: | [holds on to the doorway] Oh, what a party that was! [walks towards the sofa] Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. [Crashes onto it and falls asleep]
| | Shelley: | Wow, she passed out.
| | Cartman: | Luckily for us, my mom is a total lush.
| | Shelley: | Well, let's clean up the house. Looks like everything turned out o-kay.
| | Cartman: | That's how it goes in the Wild Wild West. [raps once more]
Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's
Age wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh
Cowboy from the Westside-
| | [End of The Meteor Shower.]
| |