"The Day That Changed The World"
a fanfic from Off-topic hmya at GTG"

Written by: Anthony10708, Butters256, CC2000, Cast No Shadow, Chaos the Dark One, Chrissaaay, Cinnamon Crush, Comrades Disband, Da Guy With Authorita, Goddamn, Loserkid, Minkie Boodle, Mookie Stinks, Mr. Durp, Orgazmo, Poinko, Shrym, SnowCalico, Taryn, Tom, Wackogirl

Expanded by Willie Westwood, September 25, 2000

One day a very brave man decided he wanted to invent something. This man was called Toast, for reasons unknown to anyone. However MOST people said it was to pick up chicks. Toast went into his garage with only a straw and a piece of gingerbread, and proceeded to work all night. Early the next moment he came forth from his garage, carrying a piece of gingerbread with a straw jammed into the middle. The neighborhood had a good laugh at his expense. Saddened, Toast realized he had no reason to continue living. So Toast hung himself in his bathroom, using a length of rope tied around the shower head.
"The end is near, thought Toast. Suddenly the rope he used to hang himself broke off. "Dammit!" Toast said as he...

The screen went black. Then it appears the 4 boys were watching TV.
"This sucks!" Stan said.
"I don't know, you guys, I thought it was pretty kewl." Cartman said.
Kyle started speaking, "Cartman, you are such a stupid buttfucker! That was the worst movie ever!"
"What about all those Olson twin movies?" Cartman asked.
"No," Kyle stated, "This still was worse."
Stan sighed. "Man, there's nothing to do today."
"Why don't we go spit over the end of the bridge at on-coming cars?" Cartman sugested.
"Well, that would work Fatass, but, being the dumbass you are, you've forgotten that this town sucks so much we don't even have a bridge!" Kyle screamed at Cartman.
"Hey you guys, I've got the perfect idea!" Kenny said, standing up. "We could go to tha Mall and spit from the second floor onto people walking by!"
"That's a great idea, dude!" Stan exclaimed.
"Let's go now." Cartman said.
Then Mrs. Cartman walks into the room. "Eric, time to get ready for school."
"But I don't want to go to school, Mom!" whined Cartman.
"But today is Monday, Eric" Mrs. Cartman stated.
Then, Cartman started whining in a loud, incoherent tone, "But Mom! I don't want to go to school!"
"Ok, ok, Eric. You may go to the mall if you like."
"Kick ass!" The four boys started walking out the door, when something caught Kyle by surprise. More like someone, actually. Fidel Castro grabbed his head and dragged him along the ground. Kyle's friends stood by and watched. after that they stared some more.
"Dude, that's pretty fucked up right here!" Stan said. Then they continued on their way to the mall. Along the way they met up with Butters and Timmy.
"TIMMMMAAAY!" greeted Timmy.
"Well, uh.. wuh-what're you fellas up to?" asked Butters.
"Well, we're trying to corner Fidel Castro at the Army-Navy Camping store here at the mall so we can get Kyle back before Cartman kills Ike." Turns out Ike had joined the four as they left Cartman's house and is now jumping all over Cartman.
"Leave me alone, you little-," yelled Cartman, glaring at Ike.
"HEY!" interrupted Kyle, from a window in the mall, "Thats my brother you fatass! Leave him alone, we have work to do!"
"Who the hell are 'we'?" Cartman shot back, "YOU're stuck in the mall with Fidel!"
The kids turned and walked down the street and stopped in front of the Army-Navy store. Fidel Castro suddenly emerged from the store, and stopped to talk to the boys. Butters took one look and ran off.
"Where is the little orange coat boy from?" he asked.
"Kennys a faggot. Hes from Cuba" said Cartman. Then he thought and asked, "How'd you get here from the mall? And what the hell did you do with Kyle?!" Fidel was about to answer before Cartman interrupted, "Don't answer the second question. We really don't care about Kyle."
"You're coming with me!" Castro said to Kenny. He grabbed Kenny by the hood and hauled him away.
"Dude, who's next?" asked Stan. "First he took Kyle, then Kenny. Dudes, I'm scared!" Just then, Kyle came out from the back of the store.
"Hey, dudes," Kyle said.
"Kyle-!" Stan stammered.
"AW, WEAK!" said Cartman.
"Dude, I heard what you said about Kenny. You said that faggots were from Iraq," Kyle exclaimed.
"I did not!" asserted Cartman.
"Yes, you did!" Kyle shot back. As they continued arguing, Fidel took Kenny on his plane back to Cuba.

A week later, Kenny wandered back into town. No one noticed him at first, but the rats began to follow him. He continued walking until a girl called his name.
"Hey, Kenny!" greeted Wendy. She was in full protesting gear and a couple of picket signs that said "Save the dolphins". She sniffed and then grimaced, "Eewww, where have you been??"
Kenny explains, in muffled tones, "Well, I was going to the Mall with the guys when Fidel Castro came out of the Army-Navy store and hauled me away. I found myself in a plane with him going to Cuba. All of a sudden, it crashed. I fell in the water and found an inner tube to float in, and landed on a beach in Texas. From there I walked back here."
As Kenny talked, Cartman took notice and rushed over to her. Stan saw this and quickly followed.
"Looks like the tree-huggin' hippie needs to..."
"Dude, shut up!" Stan interrupted.
"Ohh-ho-ho, looks like-" The town grew bright around them as an awful sound approached. "THERES A GIANT METEOR HEADING THIS WAY!!
All the kids ran off screaming. The meteor landed on Kenny. Stan exclaimed, "OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!"
Then Britney Spears arrived in town and her implants promptly burst. Stan and Kyle spun around and gawked.
"Oh my God! Britney Spears' implants burst from the altitude!" said Stan.
"You bastards!" said Kyle.
Butters walks up to the boys and said "Well...he-hey there, fellas. That was one huge meteor that came down, huh?"
"Yeah dude," Stan said "it killed Kenny!"
"It killed Kenny?!" Butters exclaimed.
"Yeah! It-," Cartmen started. The meteor began to move. "What the f-?"
Kenny, his arm stretching from under the crater, moaned "You guyes, I think I'm still alive."
Just then a CBS executive comes out of hiding and surprises the boys.
"SURPRISE! This whole thing was all part of our new network show, SURVIVOR! We've been filming the whole thing on national TV! Anyway, we've counted the votes from our website and i'm sorry to say you're being let go, Stan. The public has spoken."
Stan begins to protest, "There's no way! That meteor was REAL! There's no way you guys could have staged that!"
The executive said, "That's where you're wrong, little boy! We knew the meteor was going to land here! The rest was a matter of logistics" Suddenly, the screen goes blank.

A picture fades in. Toast is shown seated on a sofa holding his gingerbread/straw hybrid and the broken-off noose end of a rope around his neck. "Damnit!" said Toast, "This always happens to me! Oh, well. I'd swear 'Terrance and Phillip' is getting weirder by the second." He walked out of his house, still being laughed at by the neighborhood until he came to his girlfriend, English Muffin's house. She opened the door wearing a scuba suit and and a necktie, took one look at Toast and exclaimed,
"My you have a nice wallet. Can I, uh...look at it?"
"uhh...ok." Toast said. English Muffin took all the money out of his wallet and ran away. "Damn!" he said. "Looks like I'm gonna hafta-"

"Change the goddamn channel. Maaaaahmm, where's the remote control?" Cartman screamed. He looked around "MAAAAAAAAHM... the remote control's being such a dil-"
"It's in my room, Eric," his mom said. Just then the doorbell rings. It was English Muffin.
"How the hell did you get here?" Screamed Cartman. "You're on TV!"
"Don't ask questions. Just hide meee!" shouted English Muffin as she ran to the bathroom. Just the Mr. Kitty walked in the room and started eating the chicken pot pie that Cartman left on the coffee table.
"Dammit, Mr. Kitty! Quit eating mah pot peh!"
"Excuse me," English Muffin began, "I just stole my boyfriend's wallet, can I hide in here?"
"I don't know? Did you bring peh?"
"Why the hell would I bring pie?!" English Muffin screamed.
"If you don't have peh, then you can't stay here!"
Ms. Cartman came into the room. "Eric, I made you some-"
"Toast?!" Toast cheerfully said as he entered the living room.
"TOAST?!" screamed the others.
"No, I made more Pot Pie." Cartman's mom said. She then looked around the room. "Now who are these friends of yours Eric?"
"I swear, Mom, I don't know either one."
Toast glared angrily at English Muffin. "You think you escape so easily do you?" Toast snickered.
"What the hell is going on here?" Cartman thought.
"Prepare to face the wrath of my gingstrawbread! HIRYU SHOUTEN HA!" Toast yelled as he held it over his head in one hand.
Just then, a bright flash came from Cartman's ass as milk starting spewing out his nose. "AH! GODDAMNIT! I thought Kyle had the bad kidney!"
"Did somebody take a picture?" asked Toast.
Just then Kenny came flying through the window! When the group (Cartman, Mrs. Cartman, Toast, and English Muffin) looked out the window, they saw Shelly.
"Don't look at my head gear again, turd!" Shelly yelled.
"What the hell?! I was walking down the street and you just threw me in Cartman's house through his window!" Kenny said
"Just don't look at my head gear again or I'll see to it that I miss the window next time!"
"Whatever, damn bitch." mumbled Kenny. Then he looked at Toast and English Muffin and said, "What the fuck?!"
The room brightened and everyone looked out the window. Another gigantic, flaming meteor hurled down from the sky.
"Oh my God, it's coming right for us!, " said Jimbo, who had by now arrived at the Cartman house. He repeatedly shot the meteor, which was ineffective.
"Mmmm...it's coming right for us!" Ned said as he threw a granade. The meteor exploded, and a giant piece of it came crashing down on Britney Spears. Justin Timberlake watches the whole thing and sat there crying like a little girl. Bits of flaming silicone come flying and hit Kenny, setting him aflame. He started to run around and died.
"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" said Stan.
"You bastards" said Kyle.
Just then Justin walked up to them and said "I need about tree-fiddy" and the boys noticed that he's actually the Loch Ness Monster. They then said, "Holy crap, we better go see Janet Reno, she'll know what to do." But when they got to her office they found Bill Gates under her desk looking for the little man-in-the-boat. He looked, and he looked, but he never could find it. He then cried out in anguish...
"They've split my boat in half, goddamnit."
In the next room Terrance cried, "Oh, the humanity!!!!" and Phillip farted. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Terrance and Philip laughed. "You've been eating the liquid beans again haven't you?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

A few months later, the boys are looking at a show on TV. After it ends, Cartman turns off the TV.
"That's the first time there has ever been a rerun." Stan said.
"Yeah, and what's weird is it's about some guy named Toast who comes to visit our town, and we are in it." Kyle said "Oh well, let's just-"

The scene dissovles to Cartman sleeping in bed. His mom tries to get him up. "Wake up. Wake up, Eric. You're dreaming."
"Oh, mom," said Cartman, "I just had this totally tits dream! I gotta call the guys and tell them about it."
"Eric, what did I tell you about saying 'tits'?" Ignoring her, he picks up the phone and calls Stan.
Before Cartman has a chance to speak, Stan says, "Dude! You've got to put Terrance and Philip on!"
Cartman walks over to the TV and puts it on, but instead he sees the Playboy chanel. Not knowing what to do he slowly takes a box of Cheesy Poofs and continues watching. Stan and Kyle come in.
"Hey, Cartman, were gon...Dude!" Stan pukes. Kyle starts laughing.
"Hey, look, it's Cartman's Mom!" Kyle said.
"WHAT?!" No it isn't!" Cartman said.
"Yes it is!"
Ms. Cartman comes into the room.
"Eric, I made y...oh my God."
"Mom!"
"Eric, stop watching that or I'll have to get you circumcised. Shelia tells me it makes your fireman look bigger!"
"I know that, mother!" Cartman, yelled, "No fucking way! we've already been through this. You are NOT cutting off my fireman! You leave my weewee alone!"
Suddenly, Fidel Castro bursts through the window with a flourish, grabs Mrs. Cartman, pins her to the table, takes his clothes off and says "…I'm terribly sorry, this is completely inappropriate." He then puts his clothes back on and leaves through the broken window, very disappointed with himself. Just then, the doorbell rings and Mrs. Cartman finally answers it. Upon opening the door, Britney Spears steps into the house, and spots Fidel Castro climbing out of the window.
"Dude! It's Britney Spears!" says Kyle. "And her boobs are taped up!"
"Kickass!" Cartman responds.
"Are you looking at my boobs?!" glares Britney, "ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY BOOBS?!"
Cartman and Kyle both cower and yell, "NO!"
Britney Spears turns and flies out the window, jumping on top of Fidel, and the pair fuck like nasty pigs for the next half hour, while the boys look on in awe. Stan repeatedly pukes. All of a sudden, Britney's tits open up and out pops a terrifying evil silicone-based lifeform, which bites Fidel Castro's head off, and then proceeds to die at the hands of Brian Boitano, who ice skates into the house to save the kids. But then little Christina Aguilera monsters come out from behind the sofa and crawl up his ass. Just when the kids think it's all over, Cartman's mom grabs her dildo which she was keeping in her pocket, and with an almighty THWACK!!, hits the monsters right on the head. The impact sends them flying into Kenny, making him land in the toilet, which shatters on impact.
Stan exclaimed, "Oh my God! She killed Kenny!"
Kyle chimed, "You.. bitch??"
Meanwhile, Brian Boitano starts leaving, when the rest of the young female pop stars that haven't died yet, which are Jessica Simpson and Mandy Moore, jump through the already broken window, just in time to get impaled thru their eyeballs by Fidel Castro's dildo saving the whole world from horrible skanky bubblegum pop! All the guys in the world now flock to the most attractive and sexy girl in the world known as Taryn. Toast is among many of her admirers.
Suddenly Taryn wakes up to the horrible truth that she is actually ugly and unreasonable to look at, causing her to decide to hang herself in her shower, but Tweek comes in and tells the underpants gnomes to kill evereyone except butters and the underpants gnomes do it, thus allowing tweek to come in and saves the day.

The End, for good-
"-ness sake! Can't you do anything right?!" Kyle said, interrupting.
"Um, dude, this has nothing to do with the story." Stan told him.
"I know, but somethings really fucked up here! Where's Toast?"
"I ate him and he tasted liek crap!" said Cartman.
"This whole day has made no sense at all! What the fuck is going on here?!" said Stan.
Well no one knew so they all went for a walk down South Park street. They run into Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat, who, for reasons unknown to them, has a gingerbread man in his mouth, head-first, with the legs still dangling.
"Gimme that gingerbread man! Where did you find that? He's miiiiiine!", Cartman whines, as he starts yanking at the little dangly legs.
"Children, do you know how to file a police report?", Mr. Garrison asks. "No", replies Stan, matter-of-factly. "Good", says Mr. Garrison, "Because I have a very important secret to tell you", he whispers. Suddenly, he expires.
"Oh my God, They killed Mr. Garrison!"
There was a short pause.
"So?" Kyle said.
"Yeah, you're right, who cares?" Stan said, then they started MASTURBATING!!!! Then God's son Santa Claus entered. He was crucified in Japan and very unjolly. He reached into his sack and whipped out his circumcision tools.
"If you play with your dick, than I shall cut it off! HAHAHAHAHA!" an evil Santa said.
"AHHHHH" Stan and Kyle ran away.
"Dude, where the hell is Cartman?" Stan asked.
"Last time I saw him, he was eating toast."
"TOAST?!" the boys screamed.
"Oh well" said Kyle. "Lets go to the playground."
Stan and Kyle went to the playground and saw Wendy there playing with her friends. A bunch of hearts starting floating around Stan. Wendy says hi and he barfs.
Then Wendy said "How come at night when you put the barrel of the gun in your mouth it makes you cry?"
To which Stan replies by barfing again, right in her face. "Don't ask me again! You know the thought of that just makes me barf."
"Ew, gross. Barf is gross" blurts wendy
Suddenly, Cartman reappears looking very shocked and says, "You guys, you guys, I just saw Phil Collins masturbating into Bebe's face! Come quickly!"
The boys run over, and see Phil Collins doing just that, stark naked, with his Oscar stuck up his rectum.
Stan says "DUDE!, what the fuck is going on around here?!" To which Kenny, who has mysteriously appeared next to them ála 'Cartmans mom is still a dirty slut', replies (on those muffled tones only his friends, and yours truly, understand), "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Wendy turns away cuz she can't look at her friend being abused. Stan tries to comfort her, but he barfs on her a few more times.
Kyle says "You guys - we NEED to put a stop to Phil Collins! Now!" Everyone agrees. Cartman says he has a plan, but then, Evil Santa came running up to Phil Collins, chopped his dick off, and laughed.
"AW, CRAP! So much for my plan!" lamented Cartman.
"NOOOOO!!" Phil Collins screamed! Wendy, Bebe, and the other girls cheered and quickly moved away.
"Look Satan," Stan started. "er, I mean, Santa.
"Wait a minute," Kyle said, "if you switch around the letters of Santa. You get Satan."
There was a short pause.
"Umm, so?" Stan asked.
"This is just someone with a mask," Kyle explained, "and that someone is none other than," Kyle pulls the mask off, "Jesus! …Wait a minute. Jesus is Satan??"
Stan cried, "Oh my God! Jesus chopped Phil Collin's dick off!"
Kyle cried, "You... bastard!"
Cartman rejoiced, "Yay! Jesus rules!"
Kenny pulls the Oscar out of Phil Collin's ass hole, but is killed by a blast of foul gas. He throws the Oscar into the air, and Stan catches it.
Stan says, "Cool! Let's get this back to it's rightful owners! We have to find Matt and Trey! They deserve this!"
Kyle admonishes, "Dude, I think you'd better wash and sterilize that thing first. We don't want them exposed to any Collins residue."
Stan says, "My bad, you're right. Let's go to my house. You coming, guys?" Cartman and Kenny follow.

Meanwhile in the office of scarey looking big people Vinnie and Richie sat looking upon all the happy jolly games, Vinnie squinting his eyes thoughtfully and twiddling his thumbs whilst Richie chewed tobacco and spat it out into a bucket, making a PING! sound, Vinnie turned to Richie and said soberly, through his orange soda stained teeth, "I gotta take a shit." Suddenly, through the door bursts Toast! The shock is to much for Vinnie, who, as he needed to go but didn't get the chance, shits himself.
"What the fuck is this? Who are you?" blurts Richie while holding his nose to keep out the stench of Vinnies shit.
Toast replies, "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I am mr happy toasty woasty and i've come to put pretty pink happy thoughts ito your filthy minds," said Toast. Then, smelling vinnie's shit, he added, "Christ, Vinnie, what did you have for breakfast?!"
A low buzz is heard outside, like a sqaudron of planes approaching the town. All look outside to see a squadron of Japanese kamikaze pilots approaching the town, strafing everything in their way. Looks like Mssrs. Hirohito and Ose made good on their threat of bombing Pearl Harbor, but now, with renewed confidence in Japanese power they've bombed all the cities in a stright line from San Francisco to Denver. The damn Japs drop a hydrogen bomb and everyone dies, mostly.
The End, mostly…
…"Its the end of the world as we know it," sang a shell-shocked Vinnie as he watched the Japs fly away.
You see, Vinnie's next door neighbour was called "Jap" and he had a pet fly. Vinnie found it very intresting to watch it-

"Kyle...Kyle!...KYLE!!" nudged Stan
"Huh, what?" asked Kyle.
"Dude, what is wrong with you? You're hallucinating!" said Stan.
"Sorry, I was imagining some weird office where some fly dropped a nuke and killed everyone."
So, the world hasn't ended - Kyle was just daydreaming.
And so was I.